Fear

Sometimes I feel almost paralyzed by fear.....fear of getting some terrible sickness, fear of those that I love getting a terrible sickness, fear that those I love will get into a tragic car accident, etc.  Seeing an accident or hearing about someone's sickness can set my imagination into a lightning speed creation of how I would feel if I was the one getting the diagnosis or one of my family members was the accident victim.  If I don't grab control of my imagination, I start to feel fear and grief well up inside me and it paralyzes me emotionally....makes me want to get everyone home and safe and then curl up in a fetal position under a blanket until the feelings go away and I feel safe again.

I have always had a fear-filled personality in some ways.  I think that might be another reason why, besides being a first born type A personality, I like to have control of things...it makes me feel safer in some ways.

Since we lived through the terrible experience of losing a child, the fear of experiencing that deep grief ever again is very strong.  I hold no illusions that I have any control over anything....and that scares the crap out of me.  At times, I have numbed out my emotions to try and protect myself from being hurt.  The problem with that, is that you can't just numb out the "bad" emotions....you end up numbing out joy and love and hope, too.

That's no way to live.

There are lots of phrases that come to mind..."Live in the moment", "Be grateful for today", "Today's worries are sufficient for the day", "Sometimes we just have to do things scared", "Fake it til you make it"....

The Word I choose to latch onto today is from 1John4:18...

"Perfect Love Casts Out Fear"

I'm a work in progress.  For sure.

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