Being at the funeral today, seeing Anne's children and grandchildren wipe tears from their eyes and console one another was really emotional for me. To be honest, I wasn't really expecting it. I wanted to go to the funeral because of how kind Anne always was to me and how much I'm going to miss seeing her every week. When I saw her family crying, I started crying myself and had a hard time stopping.
Memories popped up for me, and I was thinking about the last time I visited my grandmother at the end of her illness. She was home on hospice being cared for around the clock by my aunts.
The last time I saw her was three days before she passed, which was the last day that she was conscious or spoke.
I had brought Kate with me, who was a couple days away from turning one. I held Kate in my arms as I stood next to my Grandma's hospital bed. One thing that I have held in my heart all these years is the way my Grandma reached out to Kate, looked up into her eyes, and touched her feet as she said, "I love you. I love you." over and over again. The tone of her voice as she said, "I love you", was one of anxiousness and insistence and only directed at Kate.
I have always felt that in that moment, my Grandma was trying to impart the years of love she wished she could have given to her littlest great grandchild in the very short time she had left. Grandma was trying with all she had to instill this memory of her love in a child who was too young to remember her.
Love it what life's really all about.
At the end of my life, what do I really want my family to remember about me? I want them to remember that I loved them well in my very imperfect ways.
Like most moms...dare I say every mom...at this time of year, I'm so tired. There's just so much jam packed into December. I love all the traditions and trying to make everyone feel special...but the amount of mom work it takes to plan, organize, and execute said traditions takes a LOT of energy. I've tried really hard this year to listen to my internal emotional levels and actually adjust my expectations and my to do list accordingly. I think I've succeeded for the most part. I'm honestly surprised at just how tired I am.
Today I left one of my Christmas lists unfinished. I nixed one of the desserts I had planned to make because I just wasn't feeling it. And I'm really ok with that. I would rather keep peace in my heart and have extra time with my family and enjoy making the multiple pies and one cheesecake I did make then to push myself past my limit and end up cranky and completely wiped out.
Reflecting on today's funeral and the memories with my Grandma reminded me to focus on the love I was trying to put into the tasks I wanted to accomplish and not just get wrapped up in checking them off my list. The timing was especially important as we enter into the festivities of Christmas week, which for me starts tomorrow with a family party we are hosting for my Dad's side of the family. My house will not be perfect...the floors never got washed and there are several Martha Stewart touches that I won't have time to complete...but I'm choosing to focus on making memories with my family rather than on the items that didn't get crossed off my list.
In the end, it's only love that matters anyway....
Wishing all of you a very joy filled (imperfect) Christmas! <3
John 3:16..."For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life."