Monday, September 17, 2012

A Not So Great Sunday Moment

I have to say that yesterday had its not so stellar moments.  Ellie needed some clothes for the fall.  Shopping for her can be tough because her size does not match her age so trying to find clothes that fit well and are appropriate is a challenge.  It stresses me out...and generally I like shopping.

Jay wanted to come with me for the ride so we took Sarah, Ellie, Peter, Luke and Kate and headed to the mall.  My plan was to hit one store that I thought would work for Ellie, get what we need, and then get home for the Patriots' game kickoff at 1.

So, Jay was trying to be helpful and wanted to take Peter, Luke and Kate with him to get one item at the grocery store and then a snack for the boys to keep them from getting antsy.  He dropped me and the girls off at the mall.  I thought I was taking the baby but he wanted to give me time with the older girls.  It was a super generous gesture.  Unfortunately, because I was feeling stressed out already, not having the baby with me made me feel even more discombobulated.  There was no real reason to feel anxious...Jay is perfectly capable of entertaining Kate and she had just nursed before she left so she shouldn't have been hungry for a while.  Despite the truth of the situation, my anxiety went up a notch.

Off we went into the store.  I went to the section I thought would work for Ellen...and it was gone.  The store had changed and got rid of the kids plus section that has been there for years!  Ugh...really?  Up goes the stress level.

We head downstairs to the juniors section.  Sarah found a couple long sleeve tshirts that she needed but there was nothing appropriate for Ellen.  Ugh!!  Up goes the stress level.

I head to the register to pay for Sarah's shirts trying to figure out where to try next.  All of a sudden, I realize I don't have my phone!  OMG...I left it in the car!  How was Jay going to know where I was?  What if the baby needs me?  How was I going to know where he was?

I completely panicked!

I had to go all 80's and use a pay phone....I can't even remember the last time I used a pay phone.  As we walked to the pay phone, I am panicking and so not holding it together.  I call Jay and....he doesn't answer.  I leave a panicked message.  So I call Jon(who is at home), practically in tears, and tell him to text Jay and tell him I forgot my phone and to tell Jon where and when he will meet me.  I told Jon I would call him in 10 minutes to find out what he says.

The girls and I go into another store as I tried to put it together.  (I'm sure poor Sarah was completely embarrassed walking with her mom who is cracking like an egg in front of her.)  We actually found 2 pairs of jeans and a shirt.  Ellie tried them on and then I headed back out to call Jay again.  This time he answered and he was in the mall.  He walked to meet me.  While I waited for him, I found more clothes for Ellie in the juniors department of the same store...including 2 really cute skirts which is what we really needed.

Poor Jay.  He just couldn't understand how a shopping trip that he tried to make so stress free could have ended so poorly.

I wish I had a do over.

1.  I could have been such a better example to the girls.
2.  I should not have let my emotions jump off the deep end.  I would have gotten a hold of Jay eventually.  All the calls I made could have been made calmly.  Everyone was safe and ok.  There was no need for the panic.
3.  If I hadn't had to use the pay phone I probably wouldn't have gone into the store where we found the clothes for Ellie.  So God had already brought good out of a situation that wasn't even that bad to begin with.
4.  It took away from a potential bonding experience.  I did apologize to everyone, several times.  Unfortunately, even an apology doesn't make the memory of the situation go away.

 I guess what really bothers me the most is that I have spent years working on not being the overwhelmed, stressed out, can't handle a situation or my emotions, person that showed up at the mall yesterday.  It has been  many years since I reacted to a situation like that.  I thought that person was completely healed and gone...but obviously that isn't the case.

I did not listen to my emotional cues before I even left for the store.  I was not in a patient, calm mind set and I didn't have enough time to just shop.  Sundays are a day of rest for a reason.  Guilt that she didn't have the clothes that she needed and a full schedule this coming week made me try to squeeze in this trip to the mall instead of just enjoying the day.

Bad choice.

Guilt and control are definitely topics that I have already started bringing to prayer.....I do not want my character flaws affecting my family like yesterday.  I definitely have some work to do...on myself.

And, to top it all off, the Pats lost.  Felt like they lost twice.  With a failed 2 pt. conversion it looked like the game was over and we were mostly resigned to the loss.  Then, a fumble in field goal range brought hope to the situation.  Then the touchdown....which got taken away because of a holding penalty:/  Then, a field goal attempt from a kicker that was perfect all day as time expired and.....he MISSES?!?  Really?

Definitely didn't help:(