Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Walking Through the Valley

I feel a little on edge today.  My emotions are a little raw.  They really shouldn't be.  If only emotions were like a vending machine.  Can you imagine that.  Standing in front of it...considering..."Hmm, I think I will be melancholy today."  Or, "I think I'd like a happy day."  "Darn, they are out of anger today!"  Wouldn't that be nice to control!

I started off yesterday with a really good attitude over the disappointment of my birthday not going the way it was planned.  By the time I got back from Jon's basketball game that night it was close to 8.  I was starting to get tired and the toddler was whiny, and the baby was clingy, and the house was messy, and I was behind on the laundry.  And it was my birthday:(  I knew I had to work today and I hate going to work feeling so behind in everything.

I was really fighting against sliding into a full blown pity party!

I felt guilty for even feeling that way.  I mean, really, I am so blessed.  Even though Jay was under the weather he was already feeling a little better.  So many people, including my brother-in-law, have to deal with chronic illness.  How selfish was I for feeling blue over just a day!  I felt pretty disappointed in myself .

This morning, Peter was feeling better so I brought him to his first day of camp.  The 1:1 aide that will be with Peter during his camp weeks is someone Peter has never met.  The aide seems very nice and Peter was happy to be at camp.  I tried to give his aide the lowdown on Peter...GFCF diet, needs a snack break to keep it together in the morning, liked all the camp activities last year, is obsessed with people's arms so be aware when he's around kids in bathing suits or tank tops.

As I was driving away, I felt a little sad and a little anxious.  Anxious because I hope it all goes well.  Sad because part of me wants the aide to like Peter.  I want Peter to be enjoyable.  Peter is a beautiful kid...but enjoyable is not the word that springs to mind when I think about spending time with him.

...more like exhausting.

Ironically, I want the aide to enjoy spending time with helping Peter to have fun at camp.  Yet, I'm sending Peter to camp because I don't enjoy spending weeks of free time with Peter.

The thought of spending the week at camp with Peter makes me feel exhausted and burned out...and that's just thinking about it!

I want to enjoy all my kids.  I want them to all feel loved and special.  That's tough to do with Peter.  It's difficult to get him to answer a simple question or respond to my greeting, never mind sharing something on a deeper level.  I keep trying, but it's hard when most of the things I say to Peter are met with silence.

Driving away from the camp, my heart was feeling heavy.  I turned on the radio hoping for a balm to make me feel better.  I ended up on K-Love.  The band playing was Third Day, one of Jay's favorites.  The song was "Mountain of God."

Even though the journey’s long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who’s gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I’ve been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

It made me feel a little better.  A little hug from God.  That I'm not alone in my every day struggles.  None of us are.