Wednesday, June 6, 2012

It's Really For Me

I tend to be a typical type A person whose current level of organization often leaves me frustrated.  My focus is where it should be...on my children and my husband, particularly my baby and my toddler.  That doesn't leave much time during the day to work on all the chores that HAVE to be done, like dishes and laundry.  Never mind all the organizational and deep cleaning projects that need to be done but keep getting put off because I just don't have the time, or energy, to tackle them.  

Sometimes I feel guilty for blogging.  It takes away time I could(should?) be spending on all the things I mentioned in the last paragraph.  But writing has been on my heart for quite a while.  

I have wanted to start writing for several years but never really knew where to start?....or what to write about?..or what I would do with what I wrote when I finished writing it?  I'm really good at creating stalemate situations for myself.  I talked myself out of something I felt like I should do for several years!!! 

It wasn't until I read The Happiness Project , and with the help of my friend, Anne-Marie, that I took the leap to start a blog.  There is SO much to learn.  I struggle with patience when I want to learn and be successful at something.  I have to frequently remind myself that this is going to take time and I will get to wherever this will lead me and learn tons along the way.  If this blog only serves to be a place of memories for my family then that's o.k.

But I really want so much more!

It's so hard to even admit that.  Wanting something for me.  Wanting to create something that will entertain and encourage and inspire other people.  Creating something that might one day be published.  Creating something that might help to support my family. 

It's terrifying to be blatantly honest in my posts and to share emotions that I have shared with very few people ever!  When I write while feeling those raw emotions, I'm sharing all of me.  That makes me feel SO vulnerable. The real, true me...uncensored, no filter for anyone who happens to click on my page to see.  In non-blogging life I am much more guarded and controlled....but I'm not always revealing myself as a complete person.  I might share pieces of myself but in a much more censored way.

I love learning from other people's life experiences and feeling a connection to where they are at in a particular area of their lives.  Sometimes I feel I have so much to share.  Marriage, having a large family, having lost a child, having had a child as a teenager, having babies, toddlers, grade schoolers and teens all at the same time, having a child with Special Needs, the everyday challenges of being a wife and mother...

All of these things make up who I am.

"Normal Chaos" is my's everyone's life to some degree.  The more people you add to the mix, the more chaotic it gets.  

People + activities + work +misc.(extended family, friends, disabilities, illness, etc, etc)= normal chaos.

When you have ten people in one house of very varying ages, and schoolwork, a career, sports, throw in some Autism and you get a really wild ride.  Around here, if we are at a level of normal chaos, we are doing pretty well!

Blogging about it all helps me to make my life more organized and feel even more meaningful.  Blogging gives me a place to share the day to day happenings that I might not take the time to write down otherwise, so it saves my memories for my family.  Blogging lets me share me: my life and who I am and how I really feel at any given moment and what I hope for and dream about.

I blog for me.

And that's o.k!

Linking up with Shell @ things I can't say & Learn as I blog@