Sometimes living in the moment is just hard. The days that I am tired and grumpy and overwhelmed make me want to be by myself, not enjoying a moment with my kids...who seem like they are on a mission to annoy me constantly anyway. Ironically, it's also book club day and we are discussing a chapter titled, "Keep a Contented Heart"....and my heart is anything but feeling content. In fact, I don't even feel like putting in the (what feels like gargantuan) effort to even try to be positive.
Re-reading the chapter yesterday, I really identified with the desire to be kinder, less critical, and more positive. Here it was less than 24 hours later and that desire was G.O.N.E....nowhere to be seen!
It's amazing how being tired, dealing with some triggered unresolved hurt, and some difficult family news can throw me off so much. Isn't this very moment of challenge the golden opportunity to change and grow stronger? Do I want the healing and grace more than I want to be negative and critical? Why is it so much work to choose to be positive and life giving?
It's like being on a diet and wanting to eat the chocolate cake in the fridge.....a battle within yourself.
I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to respond. All I know is that the way I want to respond, and have responded in the past, isn't the right way. My "How, What, Where and When" questions to God regarding showing a right response to all that is unsettling me haven't received an answer yet.
So I am waiting...and trying to keep my mouth from opening up and causing harm. I want to be encouraging and kind and build people up.
Meanwhile, I will light my candle and pray for peace in my home...as well as the homes of my family and friends. "Lord, make me a channel of your peace...."
An appropriate prayer on the feast day of St. Francis of Assisi.