Wednesday, October 23, 2013

A Tug on My Heart

There's been a lot flying around in my head lately.  Most of the time, my head is a scary place to be...and today is no exception!  I often think too much, and talk too little, about the thoughts that bounce here, there and everywhere as I try to work out, work through, or just plain forget the 'thought of the moment'.  

Multitasking also pertains to thoughts, and sometimes that ability can be more of a curse than a blessing!

I've mentioned here or there that this is a big year for me. (And I don't mean "Big Year" as in bird the movie with Steve Martin.  Which I love btw!  It's a really good movie:)

I am in the midst of the last year that I will have the number '3' in the first spot of my age.  It is proving to be a difficult transition for me.  A few times a week, I have mild to not-so-mild waves of panic over the looming arrival of the big 4-0.  Facing a new decade has made me feel pensive about a lot of things in my life.  Not so much about where I've been....(although I'm still trying to figure out how the heck 39 years has gone by so fast!  I'm thinking it has to do with kids and babies and no sleep:).  My reflective moments are focused on where I'm going in the next decade.

All of a sudden, life that seemed as if it would go on forever just like it was....a.k.a, having babies, raising children, and trying to sneak in a date night, or a date day, every once in a great while so Jay and I actually get more than 5 minutes to talk to each other(!).....has now shifted and I realize that it is not as infinite as I thought!

One of the thoughts that I have been wrestling with has to do with the topic of being 'Purposeful'.  When I do reflect over the past 20 years and 364 days of our marriage, there are lots of times that I feel like Jay and I were just trying to survive the waves of life without drowning.  A small part of that was from doing things out of order.  That little rhyme about love, then marriage then the baby carriage is definitely the best alternative to starting life out on the right foot!

The love, then baby, then marriage, then college, then another baby,then grad school and another baby made for a slightly overwhelming start!  (That would be way to long to make into a catchy rhyme, too!)

There were lots of circumstances that happened to us that had nothing to do with choices we having a baby with a genetic disorder that only lived 16 days, going through severe depression, and having another child diagnosed with severe autism.  Those were all tsunamis that bowled us over and made us feel like were drowning.

Even though our lives are always a bit crazy.....('Normal Chaos' are actually the good moments in our house!)....we have lived mostly tsunami free for a while.  We have those teenager moments, and toddler moments, the sleep issues that have still not gone away, and, with Peter, our lives will always be 'special' in some ways.  God gives us the grace to make it all work! (On the days I remember to ask:)

Like I was starting to talk about before, in looking forward, I feel more of a pull to live a more "Purposeful" life.  That doesn't mean I want to change everything, or quit being a mom or a wife, or go back to school and work towards a big career.  Being a SAHM of a house full  of kids is what I've always wanted to be and I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to be home.

Jay and I have come a long way from being overwhelmed young adults.(most days!)  I think that for so many years we played 'catch up' that we still operate that way emotionally sometimes.  I don't want to do that anymore.  I want our financial life and our home and my health to reflect living in a purposeful way and not just surviving the week.  I want to actually have goals for our life for the next decade!  I want to consider how are family looks now, how it might look 10 years from now, and try to think and pray about ways we can change and adapt to get ready for all those possible changes.

This isn't about being in control of everything.....I continually learn that lesson that I am in control of nothing all.the.time!

It's about not letting the next 10 years whoosh on by being swept by the current of life....I want to do a little swimming and be as active a participant as I can be!

That's going to require a little bit of change that won't happen overnight!  It's definitely where I feel my heart being tugged, though.

'God adventures' can get a little messy at times, but they are always worth the ride!