Like most things that we think about around the first of the year, the word 'enough' faded away into the background. In the past few weeks, that word has been popping into my head again. Actually, it was jumping up and down in my head during our crazy whirlwind week-and-a half of graduation, graduation, and graduation! Trying to make each of my children's graduation days special, while still taking care of the other 5 kids needs, was more than challenging! It took all of my emotional energy...and then some...to pull it off.
I still haven't completely recovered.
At the end of last week I was driving around town doing those countless 'Mommy errands' and taxi driving that is part of our jobs. The van was getting low on gas but I was trying to hold out until Friday to fill up...you know, payday:)
Since our van is fairly new, it has a display that pops up when it is low on gas. It starts at 50 miles to empty and then continues until you feed it or you reach 0. (Thankfully, the latter has never happened to me!)
I felt like the tank was mimicking my own internal, emotional feelings. As I drove it on Thursday and Friday and Saturday, until I was down to 20 miles to empty and I finally stopped to get gas, I would notice the numbers on the tank being slowly drained and thought, "That's how I feel right now. 35 miles to empty...then 29 miles to empty..then 23 miles to empty."
But I just can't seem to figure out how to "fill up".
The obvious answer is prayer....and I have been. It's just one of those times that my prayers are answered with silence. I've been around this block before....and I can't say that I enjoy it. Everything just lacks...something. I just feel internally 'blah'.
It's like everything is oatmeal...without the sugar or the cinnamon or the raisins or the craisins. Just blah.
There's always a 'why' to how we feel. I just haven't been able to figure it out. I know that burnout is definitely a contributing factor...but it isn't the only one.
Again, I find myself turning to that word, "enough", just in a different way. What if I never have enough to fill me? What if I'm just sooooo needy that even God won't have enough to fill me?
Why do I have to be so needy, anyway?
While I know in my head the truth.......
"but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power[c] is made perfect in weakness.” So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." 2Corinthians12;9
....I'm waiting for the God's healing grace to touch my heart in its present messy state.
Until then, His Word on my heart will continue to be:
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God.