Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Borrowed Moments

The great number of changes on our horizon has started to push me 'over the edge'.  I find myself extremely emotional all.the.time!  Little things make me kids videos, commercials, but mostly my own thoughts and memories.

It's not really a surprise.  With a junior college graduation, a high school graduation, and an 8th grade graduation all happening in the next few weeks, there's a lot of emotions to process.  Add into the mix another son who will be a senior in the fall and my youngest son starting pre-school and I might as well get used to this weepy, emotional person that will be around for a while!

It's funny how different children trigger different emotions.  With our oldest, it's been an emotionally draining couple of months trying to get all the information together so he could make a decision about which school he would transfer to in the fall.  He hasn't handled the waiting/figuring out the direction of his life stuff well.  His emotions have taken a toll on both Jay and on me.  Mike has been much better since the college decision has been made...which has made him much easier to live with!  While I'm sure there will be tears when we bring him to college in the Fall, we are also ready for him to move onto the next step in his life and (hopefully!) do some maturing when he's on his own!

Our second oldest is going to live at home and commute to our local university.  It is a great choice for him because of the merit scholarship he received!  Andrew and I are pretty close.  He has always been independent kind of kid.  Even as a toddler he wasn't much of a snuggler.  He likes his space, and his quiet...which is a tough thing to find in our house!

It's really hitting me with our 3rd son, Jon, starting his senior year in the Fall.  The boys are obviously close in age...all born in February.  Mike and Andrew are 24 months apart to the day, and Jon is 12 months, 3 weeks and 3 days younger than Andrew.  They were all so close in age growing up that they were termed "the boys" collectively!

Since Jon was the youngest of 'the boys' and also the most cuddly and the most attached to me when he was little...and the first baby I nursed successfully!....his growing up is hitting me hardest of all.  I'm not ready for him to leave the nest.  When he talks about colleges or career choices I am supportive but inside my heart is aching because I'm not ready for the separation, yet.

What happened to all of these little boys that needed me?  There were endless days of beanie babies and farm animals and legos....

Yet, those endless days turned into years and now those little boys have transformed into men over 6 feet tall that need to shave!

And they are going to leave me....

And I need to be happy for them because this is the way it's supposed to be.  The line from My Big Fat Greek Wedding Comes to mind lately, "We gave you life so you could live it."

Children are gifts.  Some days, between the laundry and the cooking and the dishes and the squabbles and the chaos, it's easy for me to forget that.  Those seemingly endless days of childhood fun did fly by and now I wish that I had soaked in more of those moments.

Because I now know how fast it goes, I appreciate my time with Luke and Kate even more.  Every once in a while(like once a week:), the sleepless nights and the endless laundry and dishes and the neediness of toddlers and a baby overwhelm me.  The majority of the time, though, I am able to put aside my own to-do list for the sweet requests of, "Play with me, Mommy." and "Let's snuggle, Mommy." because I know that I will blink and this time will be gone.

I find myself crying for the missed opportunities to show love and  patience and understanding.  I wish that I had spent more time "just being" with the older boys and not just trying to orchestrate the ways to get through the busy days.  I wish that we hadn't gone through so much emotionally with losing a child and having another child diagnosed with Autism....although mostly I wish that I had reached out for the emotional help I needed to deal with my grief and depression that plagued me for several years.  There was too much time wasted just trying to "survive" and not really living.

Those are the moments I continue to give to God and ask Him to make up the difference of what my children received and what they really needed.

Change is hard!  Letting go is hard!

Even though my children will always be my children no matter how tall or old they get, I am living on borrowed moments for the time they are truly "mine".

Today I will be linking up with Shell for Things You Can't Say...because that's the kind of feelings I'm having!