I've been struggling emotionally lately. While our life with such a big family is always a bit chaotic, lately it has just been extra overwhelming to me. There are reasons....Kate and Luke have had lots of bad nights lately, our schedules are extra crazy with 4 kids playing basketball and 1 running track right now, and it's winter....so there's less sunlight and, with 2 little ones, it's not easy to get out and there's nowhere to go.
I know that things haven't been right for a couple of weeks. I have had a lot more fear and anxiety for no real reason. I feel isolated. I feel like the needs of my family are overwhelming and that there's no way I can meet them all. I feel like keeping up with the house is like walking up a 'down' escalator. Then, I feel like all those things I haven't gotten to are mocking me and shout out my incompetence.
I was reading an article by Kate Wicker in Catholic Digest last night on Postpartum Depression. I was surprised at how many of the symptoms matched the way I was feeling.
I love my kids. I love being a wife and mom. I just feel so tired and blah lately. Everyone has so many needs that I don't get much...or any...me time. Sometimes I am guilty of 'Cinderella Syndrome'.....I feel like I can't take me time(aka..go to the ball) until my ridiculous to-do list is done. (I have yet to locate the fairy godmother or magical mice and birds to help!)
I know it's just a bump in the road. I actually have scheduled time to go out on Saturday and go shopping with a friend to buy some new shirts that I have been wanting to get for months! I will be going out completely kid free. These few hours away are incredibly long overdue.
Hopefully the time away will help to give me a better perspective.
After all, I have a really great life....I just need to clean my emotionally "dirty windows" to be able to see it better and appreciate it more.