My brain is all over the place today. Please consider this fair warning if there is not much coherence in this blog post!
I'm going to say it out loud...I have actually slept fairly well for 2 nights in a row! Luke only woke up once and Kate woke up twice. That's pretty good for our house!
Maybe it's the extra sleep that's making me feel all over the place!
Jay left with our 3 most helpful teenagers today for the March for Life in Washington, D.C. I have to say that I do not enjoy 'flying solo'. It's going to make for 3 very long days.
I find myself fighting some conflicting feelings. I am glad that the teens get to go away and participate in such a worthwhile cause. Jay went as the leader of the youth group....but also as Sarah's dad because there's no way in you know where that Sarah is going to D.C. without one of us!
I want to be supermom.
I want to be super supportive of Jay and my teens that are away by being excited for them. I had wanted to bake them chocolate chip cookies to bring with them and completely forgot. I did get them pretzels, peanut butter crackers, granola bars, water bottles, and some candy. I also helped them pack and went through the list(multiple times) to make sure they didn't forget anything important.
I want to be 'kind and patient' mommy to all the kids left behind. I'm making sloppy Joe's for dinner since Mike and Ellie like them(but Jay doesn't), so they are a treat when he (infrequently) goes away. I'm planning on letting Ellie pick out a movie one night...maybe make some chocolate chip cookies or some other treat of her choice...and just spend a lot of time focused on the kids to distract them from missing Jay too much.
Having the day off last weekend was really important. If I hadn't gotten re-charged, it would have been very hard to be left home with the more challenging half of our crew without feeling resentful. I know it's not the 'right' way to feel, but it would have been the reigning emotion.
Even with a recharged battery, part of me really struggles to be so generous as to let the person I depend on the most be gone for 3 entire days and 2 entire nights....especially with our sleep issues. With Jay gone, I am in charge of Kate, Luke and Peter for night duty. Hopefully, it goes well....but that's usually not how it happens.
Being a sleep deprived, burned out, emotional mess is not how I want to greet my travelers upon their return home either.
I feel guilty for not being more selfless. That pull to be negative is strong....and it feels like it takes a lot of energy to be positive for 3 days of being all mom, all the time, with no back up. It's kind of like my emotions are all kind of jumbled and I'm not really sure what to do with them.
God is definitely trying to teach me something...
I need to pray for the desire to persevere in creating a peaceful, loving atmosphere for the next couple of days.
Why?
I don't know...I should want to do it. And I do, sort of.
There's this small voice, whispering inside of me, "What about me? Am I important? Do I matter?"
So stupid....and it annoys me that I feel that way. Life isn't all about me! I know that and I want to be more selfless. Then I have feelings like this and I realize that I still have a long way to go!
I guess it's an opportunity to bring the feelings to prayer and figure out what my issue is!?!
