Monday, April 1, 2013

Spring Cleaning My Inner Closet

Welcome to the Octave of Easter!

Yesterday was a great day!  Easter ushers in feelings of hope and new beginnings for me.  The weather here finally(!) felt like Spring!  God gave us a beautiful 55 degree day that made the egg hunt at my mother-in-law's house even more fun!  The sunshine and getting to play outside was a big hit with all of the kids!

We got to visit with lots of family throughout the day.  It was nice to catch up with everyone.  The food was good...the desserts were even better!  :)

There was only one disturbing part of the day.  I was watching the Louisville/Duke game with Mike, Jon and my parents and one of the Louisville players had a horrific injury.  He broke his leg very's giving me a panic attack just thinking about it so I won't go into any more detail than that!   (It was so bad that CBS banned showing any further replays after the first couple of minutes when the injury occurred.  The injured players teammates circled together in prayer and they were in tears, as was their coach.)

It made me feel awful for quite a while afterwards.  It was so overwhelming that I just wanted to be safe at home.  We had been watching the game at my parents and I just packed up the kids, said out thank-you's and good-byes and went home.  (We had already been there for several hours and it was already 6 pm anyway....didn't want you to think I ran out on family!)

My reaction was obviously caused by more than just viewing the horrific break.  The "incident" triggered feelings of not being safe and tons of fear that bad things happen that are beyond our control.  I feel awful for the pain the player was in and prayed for the surgeon that would be operating on him imminently and for his complete recovery.

It's so hard to think that one moment you can be playing in one of the biggest games of your life and the next you are being carted off of the court with a possible career ending injury.

That's how traumatizing moments happen sometimes.  Life is just going along and them...BAM! phone call or difficult results from a routine medical test or a car accident (or whatever) happens and your life changes course faster than your mind can process through the details!

I struggle with fear.  Maybe it's because we have gone through traumatizing moments.....almost losing Jay, having had a sick baby that doesn't survive, and having a child diagnosed with special needs.

You know when you watch a movie and you just know that something bad is going to a "bad guy" waiting around the corner, or an accident about to happen...and you want to just stop it from happening and yell out to protect or save whoever is about to get hurt?

Sometimes I feel like that my life is like that.  I struggle not to let fear take over that something bad will happen.

I struggle to not let my imagination turn my fears into scenarios where my family is hurt in some way or one of them gets a terrible illness.

I guess being through the trauma of losing a child will do that to you.

My fear is more prevalent right now because we are on a vacation countdown!  Which is great...except for the fact that we are flying.  Flying  is not my favorite thing to do:(

No control definitely equals fear for me!  (In reality, I have no control of anything but it's much more noticeable when you are hundreds of feet off the ground!)

I guess I know what I get to work on for my "emotional spring cleaning" this year and I don't think that it will be as easy as cleaning out my bedroom closet...and that won't fun either!

Sorry if this post is a bit of a bummer:(  I want to just focus on all the hope and joy of Easter but what got brought up is just too big to just ignore.)

In reality, I know that even the "ugly stuff" is a blessing from God because, if I work through it, then the healing and peace will be a special gift.

It's like cleaning out my's not an easy task.  It's tedious to go through all that clutter!  It can be hard to go through material things that hold emotional memories, too.

But, when it's done...whether it's a real or an emotional closet, everything feels and looks great!