Today has a touch of spring in it...I am so excited to see the sunshine and feel that(slightly) warmer air! Last night we were watching tv and a commercial came on showing women walking on a cruise ship in the sunshine with summer dresses on. Looking at it made me feel cold...it has gotten to that time of year when I forget what warm sunshine feels like! Today's weather isn't quite there yet, but it's still a nice, sunny day!
I think it's also so nice because I have not gotten thrown up on or had to change any sheets in over 24 hours!!! I feel like we are finally heading in the right direction! I am very thankful for that.
Lent starts today.(Although honestly I think it started on Saturday night for me!) I took the kids to Mass this morning. It's always a challenge to bring Peter to Mass without Jay. We ended up sitting in front of people I didn't recognize, which always makes me feel more stressed because Peter is distracting at times...like sitting or standing randomly and making the occassional strange, loud noises, or perseverating on the same questions in a voice that is too loud.(Questions like "First church, then home."(20 times or more).
It's hard to ignore that inner fear that gnaws at you, making you feel that people are making judgements about your child and your ability as a parent. Of course, those feelings are compounded by my 2 year wiggling through the Mass and NO ability to whisper, and that we have such a large family. Sometimes having such a big family definitely makes me more self-conscious and that people are thinking I shouldn't have so many kids when I can't keep control and order. Sometimes I feel like we are a detriment for the "Being Open to Life" teaching of the Church...that people look at our family and think in fear.."We might end up like them!"
Of course no one signed up our family to be the poster child for Church teaching!(Thank God!) My focus is the problem...I need to do the best job that I can do being patient and loving with the kids God has blessed me with, not worry about what other people are thinking of me! Plus, when I worry what other people are thinking, I find I am less patient and less kind to them and more irritated about their faults! Then I just end up angry and frustrated and yelling at everyone on the way home! If you are asking yourself if that happened today...well...unfortunately, yes, it did. I did apologize very soon after it happened...but if I hadn't let my insecurity rev up my emotions I wouldn't have yelled in the first place!
If I can be thankful for how far Peter has come(it used to be so much worse!), and thankful Luke is just acting like most normally developing 2 year old, and just be grateful for being in the presence of God and the grace He gives me, then I will leave Mass with the peace I crave and the patience to love and care for my family! God knows the struggles Peter has, and He knows we are trying our best to work on those struggles. We just need to not worry about what other people are or are not thinking, and focus on loving our children where they are at and cooperating with God to help them become the people He made them to be!