Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Holy Week

Holy Week is always a challenging time for me emotionally.  It always creeps up and surprises me too.  I go through a couple days the week before it starts wondering why I feel so unsettled and ready to crawl out of my skin.  And then I realize, oh yeah, Holy Week is coming.

The subject of suffering is one that is so hard to understand and work through.  I have such a hard time handling the topic.  I don't want to suffer.  I don't want to see anyone suffering.  It makes me want to do something to solve it or run away and forget it ever happened if there is no quick fix in sight.  I am a firm believer that God walks with us in the suffering...I've experienced it.  I just wish that there didn't have to be any suffering at all.

It's so hard to experience suffering.  It's so hard to go through the stages of grief.  It's also hard to walk with someone through their suffering.  It's especially hard to just "be" with them when there's nothing you can actually do to ease their pain. 

I definitely need to spend some time working on my level of fear of "bad things" happening.  At one time in my life I lived in that magical world of ignorant bliss.  Then, our daughter was born with a genetic disorder and only lived for 16 days.  I remember feeling shocked that, despite all the technology the modern world has to offer, there were still things that did not even have a hope for a cure.

Jay and I suffered greatly during her short life and for several months after her death.  Not dealing with some of my grief left me struggling with bouts of depression for several years.  God's hand was on us in very visible ways during that time....but I still wish we didn't have to go through it.  I trust that He has brought good out of what we went through...but it's certainly something we won't completely understand until we meet Him someday.

There is no ideal life. Everyone has crosses at one time or another. I know that these crosses serve as a reminder that this world is not our final destination. Thank God that we have the hope of eternal life thanks to Jesus' suffering on the cross for us. If this life was "it" then how could you survive the death of a child or a spouse or your parents or other loved ones without falling into complete despair? I remember being at Mass after our daughter, Therese, died and feeling so incredibly grateful that Jesus had died for us so that my little girl could go to Heaven. Despite my crushing grief it was a consolation to know where she was and that she was ok.  

I wish that nothing had to change;  that we didn't have to lose our grandparents, or see our parents get older, or come to the scary realization that middle age is just around the corner(!).  I guess it's just another reason why it's so important to live fully in the present and be thankful for each moment.  Too bad time can't slow down just a little so that the present moment...and life before 40!...could last just a little longer!