It's October!!!

I have SO much to write about!  I think I may end up sharing everything I have to say over the next couple of days!  Way too much excitement for one post!:)

First of all...today begins my favorite month of the year!  I love, love, love October!  I love the crisp fall weather.  I love the changing colors on all the trees.  I love turning on the oven and bringing out the recipes for soups and slow cooking oven meals.  I love apple picking and picking out pumpkins at our local orchard.  I love turning all the apples we pick into pies, and crisps, and homemade apple sauce.

This is a month filled with power house saint feast days!  Just this week alone celebrates St. Therese, Guardian Angels, St. Francis of Assisi, and St. Faustina.  The lives and writings of these 3 saints have touched my life in very special ways over the years...and I always appreciate my Guardian Angel!  (We joke that Peter must have 3:)

My wedding anniversary is also this month, so I get to look forward to a little alone time with Jay to remember that special day and reflect on all our memories over the last...wait for it....20 years!  I can't believe we have been married that long!  But, more on that later in the month....

I have some really special goals this month.  I promise I will elaborate over the next few days...it might even take the whole week!

I am concentrating in a special way this month on living in the moment through the eyes of faith.  This theme has been percolating in my heart for the last few months and I have been trying to wrap my head around it.  I don't have it all worked out, but I'm jumping in with two feet anyway.

It will make this October even better!

Today was a beautiful fall day.  After 3 days of rain I was so ready to get out of the house and enjoy the sunshine with Luke.  The idea to go to the zoo popped into my head.  Felt like a good fit.  So, after we got ready for the day, off we went.

This is the first time I've taken Luke and Kate to the zoo by myself.  I was looking forward to the adventure. I even remembered my camera!

Since my focus is to "Live in the Moment"(LITM) this month, we went through the zoo on "Lukie pace".  I let Luke lead the way and just followed along and redirected when necessary, which was hardly at all.

The train was getting ready to go on its first ride of the day as we walked into the zoo.  I had tickets left from our last visit so I asked Luke if he wanted to ride.  He was a little hesitant until I told him that Kate and I would ride, too!  After that, Luke jumped right on:)

Kate wasn't so sure about it at first, but they both ended up enjoying the ride.  The attendant was nice enough to snap our picture at the end....I'm thinking that I have a new facebook photo!

After the train ride, we wandered around the zoo for an hour.  We stopped for a snack when Luke wanted.  We stayed by the animals for however long, or short, Luke wanted.  It was so cute.  When he was ready to see the next animal, his squeaky little voice would let me know, "Let's keep going, Mommy."  We counted the pigs and the goats and the cows.  He helped push the carriage for a while.  No rushing, no plan...just together time.

Luke spent some time climbing this rock over and over again towards the end of the zoo.  He had a lot of fun:)

When we were done with the zoo, I asked Luke if he wanted to go to the playground for a while.  Luke was thrilled.  Up the ladder, through the tunnels, down the slides he went for another 40 minutes.  I did have to encourage him to leave because Kate was ready to go.  Luckily, there was a front end loader working on the elephant cage and the elephants were hanging out in the grass next to the chain link fence near the playground so Luke was willing to check it out on the way to the van.

My favorite fall leaves were featured on a tree in front of the zoo.  I love the orange leaves!

A smaller, but still significant "Living in the Moment" moment happened right before we went to the zoo.  Andrew had forgotten his english binder with his homework at home this morning.  Since the zoo is a mile from the boys' high school, we dropped the binder off for him.  Andrew was in study, which he generally spends in the Campus Ministry Office.  Andrew saw me pull up and he called to me from the door.  He was with one of his best friends.  

Andrew looked so happy and "in his element"...which is a big deal for my most introverted, sensory defensive son.  It was a little "God wink"...just knowing that the sacrifices that we make for him to be at that school are worth it because he is thriving.  I was grateful for that little moment.

A New Step

We began a new adventure today....college visits.  Mike will be graduating from Jr. College and Andrew will be graduating from high school so we get to do two kids at once...as if doing this with one isn't hard enough!  There are 4 colleges that Mike is considering and Andrew is considering 2 so far.  The next six weekends will be extra full with open houses and applications!

We visited Framingham State College with Mike today.  It's not too far away from home, which is nice.  He would have to dorm but could come home easily enough.  The college is fairly small but has a good education program.  It's also a division III school so Mike is hoping for a chance to make their basketball team.(That's one of Mike's highest criteria.)

Walking around the campus was surreal.  I don't think I will ever be ready to really let go of my kids.  I worry so much about them being responsible with all the independence that going away to college will bring.

 "For what is a man advantaged, if he gain the whole world, and lose himself.(Luke 9:24)"

I want Mike, and Andrew, to learn and grow and be a part of something that will take them to the next stage of their lives.  I want the path that brings them to adulthood to be positive and smooth and character building...but I'm so worried about the choices they will make in the face of temptations away from the stability and expectations of our family.

I found myself close to tears a few times as we walked around looking at the places that Mike could potentially spend the majority of the next 2 years of his life.  I kept praying...asking God to help Michael to be where he is meant to be.  I trust that God has a plan for Mike and I don't want to get in the way of that plan.

It's a tricky balance between guidance and control sometimes, especially when so much is at stake!

And how did the little boy that wanted nothing more than to sit in my lap and twirl my hair grow into a 6'4" almost 20 year old man on the verge of independence?

This letting go is SO hard!

On a lighter, funnier note....
We left the younger kids, except Kate who came with us, with Jon and Andrew.  It turns out that Luke had a very messy diaper and Sarah was gone at the time helping with a youth group task.  So the older boys got Ellie..who has never changed a poopy diaper before...to change Luke!

Then...(yes, there's more)...I left them money to get pizza for lunch.  Jon wanted a bbq chicken pizza from one place and Andrew wanted cheese pizza from a different place.  (They got Jay to ok it by text without explaining everything to him....I wanted them to go to a completely different place that would have been cheaper but my text to them wasn't received until they had "already ordered"! Hmm...not so sure about that...)

Anyway, because they went to 2 places they were short $5 that neither of them have.  So, they got Ellie to throw in $5 and then Jon ate all the bbq chicken pizza without giving her any!  Really?  What a couple of bozos!

Jay gave Ellen back her $5 and Jon sheepishly admitted he should have shared some of the pizza with her.(Ya think!?!)

I'm writing this story down so that Ellie has proof that it happened and can use it to embarrass her brothers in front of their wives and children someday!  Sometimes having older brothers isn't easy!

Trying to Grasp God's Love

I'm linking up with 5 minute Friday today.....but, I have to be honest, I went a little over today!   I would still like to share what I wrote, so I hope you can overlook it(just this one time:)

The word today is.....

GRASP

It's hard for me to grasp God's love for me sometimes.  I can get so stuck and overwhelmed by past hurts that move in like a dense fog and block my emotional sight from everything else.  The more I get stuck in emotions I don't know what to do with, the more confused and lost I feel.

Can you tell this has happened to me quite a few times in my life?

Well, today, I had some lousy emotions that got triggered.  I could feel that familiar pull to look down into myself and get sucked into that negative cyclone.  I didn't want to go there.  I didn't want the day to be filled with anxiety and frustration and hurt.

So, I looked up.  I am looking through the fog and asking God for the truth of the situation....not only in the present moment but also to see the truth of the past in order to bring healing to those emotions.  That's what I really need....to stop the emotional static cling.  That can only happen with healing.

I realize that I need healing from past experiences that were hurtful.  Too often I've tried to heal myself...which is pride really.  I try to fill someone around me with the caring and the help and the love that I needed to make up for what I lack.  While it might help in the short term, I still end up feeling empty.  It still doesn't truly fill the emptiness inside me from the hurt that only God can heal alone.  Only He can heal the past and make up for what I needed but didn't get.  I just have to ask...and wait...and be willing to let go of the hurt and move on.

Then I will have freedom from the hurt so that I will have the freedom to work toward all that God has intended me to be.

(idea adapted from Fr. Tom Daley as told by Holly Pierlot in a  A Mother's Rule of Life)

Grasp onto God's Truth....and let go of my emotional baggage!  Not easy AT ALL...but the results are priceless!

  *for more info on static cling emotions see my post As Much Grace as I can Get...just click here.

Playground Moments

Today is a beautiful, warm fall day so I decided to venture out with Luke and Kate to the local playground.  Luke is very social...which is great.  When you have a child with special needs, all the traits that make a child neuro-typical, (I'm not a fan of the word "normal"), are a true pleasure to see as they develop.  It's like a giant sigh and a big weight off our shoulders when little ones hit certain milestones.... a check on our mental checklist.  Eye contact, check. Pointing, check.  Talking, check.  Joint attention, check.  Pretend play, check.  Engages other children, check. etc, etc.

So, anyway......there were 5 or 6 other children that came and went during the hour we spent at the playground.  Luke mostly played with one particular boy that was 4.  Luke did a good job sharing his trucks, which was nice to see.  Luke's attention span is not as developed as his playground friend, though.  When the little guy suggested a game of tag, Luke would run after him for 30 seconds before another piece of playground equipment caught his eye!


Luke said "Hi!" to everyone!  Luke is super friendly.  I think he overwhelms the shy kids.  Two little girls were shy and didn't want to say "hi" back....so Luke followed them around for a while trying to get their attention.  So funny.



I barely got Luke to stand still long enough to take this pic coming off the twisty slide!

Of course, being 3 and absorbing everything he hears, both good and bad, has its challenges.  A few minutes before I was ready to leave, Luke stood up and called out in a very matter-of-fact voice, "What's wrong with you people?"  Just great...wonder what tv show he got that from that his older siblings were watching?  Thankfully, there was only one little boy and his dad left at that point.  I told Luke that wasn't a nice thing to say.  He smiled and said, "OK, Mom."  Gotta love humility!?!

Kate wanted to crawl around but she kept trying to eat the wood chips.  We spent some time on the swings, which she loved:)

It was nice to spend some time in the sunshine.  

Fear

Sometimes I feel almost paralyzed by fear.....fear of getting some terrible sickness, fear of those that I love getting a terrible sickness, fear that those I love will get into a tragic car accident, etc.  Seeing an accident or hearing about someone's sickness can set my imagination into a lightning speed creation of how I would feel if I was the one getting the diagnosis or one of my family members was the accident victim.  If I don't grab control of my imagination, I start to feel fear and grief well up inside me and it paralyzes me emotionally....makes me want to get everyone home and safe and then curl up in a fetal position under a blanket until the feelings go away and I feel safe again.

I have always had a fear-filled personality in some ways.  I think that might be another reason why, besides being a first born type A personality, I like to have control of things...it makes me feel safer in some ways.

Since we lived through the terrible experience of losing a child, the fear of experiencing that deep grief ever again is very strong.  I hold no illusions that I have any control over anything....and that scares the crap out of me.  At times, I have numbed out my emotions to try and protect myself from being hurt.  The problem with that, is that you can't just numb out the "bad" emotions....you end up numbing out joy and love and hope, too.

That's no way to live.

There are lots of phrases that come to mind..."Live in the moment", "Be grateful for today", "Today's worries are sufficient for the day", "Sometimes we just have to do things scared", "Fake it til you make it"....

The Word I choose to latch onto today is from 1John4:18...

"Perfect Love Casts Out Fear"

I'm a work in progress.  For sure.

Linking up with intentional.me

Everyday Tasks

I feel kind of discombobulated today.  My emotions make me want to be somewhere small and safe with nothing to work out or worry about.  I'm really not sure why.  Just a bad moment, probably, coupled with a busy morning because of work and then taking care of a really clingy baby and toddler because I was gone all morning. 

There's really nothing wrong at the moment....just all the "normal chaos" of our lives.  I even got to do a couple small steps in my attempt to organize our home.  That phrase, "A place for everything, and everything in it's place" is my mantra...I just wish I had some Disney magic to wave a wand and have everything find its perfect place on its own!  No such luck!

I am so blessed to be a stay at home mom 99% of the time.  I would never make it in the work world....or rather, my family would never make it if I was in the work world.  I'm exhausted after just a few hours!  I get home and I feel "done"...and there's still the dishes, laundry, and general clean up to take care of. 

But, it will get done!  One moment at a time and somehow I will complete the tasks I need to do...well, at least most of them:)

School Memories

Ellie is in fourth grade this year.  Fourth grade is a big year.  Fourth and fifth grades are like gateway years between being one of the little kids but not quite a junior high student.

My fourth grade year was a rather rocky one.  I never felt like the teacher really liked me.  Maybe that was just my perception.  Though even my mom noticed....she always said it was because I was taller than the teacher.  (I was a quick grower and she was very small).

Regardless, it definitely made for a more difficult year.  The work was harder.  It was the first year that I didn't get straight A's.  I felt like my teacher didn't like me...which was very hard for a people pleasing person like myself.

There was also a lot going on at home that year.  My mother was starting her own business...a tanning salon, which was very trendy in the 80's.  My father, who owns his own hair salon, spent countless hours visiting salons and talking to other owners...sometimes dragging me and my sister around to visit the different salons.  It was SO boring.

Since my mother handles stress so well, (insert eye roll here!), there was a lot of stress and arguing that went on.  At one point, I started to worry that they were going to get a divorce.  When I eventually spilled my fears to my dad, it surprised him and I think helped them to reign in the emotions and realize how much everything was affecting the family.  I can still picture myself asking him if they were getting a divorce when I was helping him make his bed one day.  

I broke my ankle that year, too.  My class was heading out to recess.  I was the line leader that day.  The person behind me bumped me as we were heading down the stairs.  I missed the last few steps and twisted my ankle.  I remember crying out as I sat down and grabbed my ankle.  I looked up and saw my teacher looking at me.  Then she just turned around and walked back inside.  She thought I had jumped off the steps.  One of the other kids had to go back in and get her.

Like I said before, fourth grade was a tough year.  I'm sure there were some good moments, too.  I think the tough memories just eclipsed the good!