My brain is all over the place today. Please consider this fair warning if there is not much coherence in this blog post!
I'm going to say it out loud...I have actually slept fairly well for 2 nights in a row! Luke only woke up once and Kate woke up twice. That's pretty good for our house!
Maybe it's the extra sleep that's making me feel all over the place!
Jay left with our 3 most helpful teenagers today for the March for Life in Washington, D.C. I have to say that I do not enjoy 'flying solo'. It's going to make for 3 very long days.
I find myself fighting some conflicting feelings. I am glad that the teens get to go away and participate in such a worthwhile cause. Jay went as the leader of the youth group....but also as Sarah's dad because there's no way in you know where that Sarah is going to D.C. without one of us!
I want to be supermom.
I want to be super supportive of Jay and my teens that are away by being excited for them. I had wanted to bake them chocolate chip cookies to bring with them and completely forgot. I did get them pretzels, peanut butter crackers, granola bars, water bottles, and some candy. I also helped them pack and went through the list(multiple times) to make sure they didn't forget anything important.
I want to be 'kind and patient' mommy to all the kids left behind. I'm making sloppy Joe's for dinner since Mike and Ellie like them(but Jay doesn't), so they are a treat when he (infrequently) goes away. I'm planning on letting Ellie pick out a movie one night...maybe make some chocolate chip cookies or some other treat of her choice...and just spend a lot of time focused on the kids to distract them from missing Jay too much.
Having the day off last weekend was really important. If I hadn't gotten re-charged, it would have been very hard to be left home with the more challenging half of our crew without feeling resentful. I know it's not the 'right' way to feel, but it would have been the reigning emotion.
Even with a recharged battery, part of me really struggles to be so generous as to let the person I depend on the most be gone for 3 entire days and 2 entire nights....especially with our sleep issues. With Jay gone, I am in charge of Kate, Luke and Peter for night duty. Hopefully, it goes well....but that's usually not how it happens.
Being a sleep deprived, burned out, emotional mess is not how I want to greet my travelers upon their return home either.
I feel guilty for not being more selfless. That pull to be negative is strong....and it feels like it takes a lot of energy to be positive for 3 days of being all mom, all the time, with no back up. It's kind of like my emotions are all kind of jumbled and I'm not really sure what to do with them.
God is definitely trying to teach me something...
I need to pray for the desire to persevere in creating a peaceful, loving atmosphere for the next couple of days.
Why?
I don't know...I should want to do it. And I do, sort of.
There's this small voice, whispering inside of me, "What about me? Am I important? Do I matter?"
So stupid....and it annoys me that I feel that way. Life isn't all about me! I know that and I want to be more selfless. Then I have feelings like this and I realize that I still have a long way to go!
I guess it's an opportunity to bring the feelings to prayer and figure out what my issue is!?!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Our Choice Was Life
Today marks the 40th Anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. I know that there are few topics that derive as much heated debate and division than people's views on abortion. It's a very emotional topic.
My heart bleeds for the millions of babies whose lives were ended so soon after they began. My heart also bleeds for the mothers and the fathers who felt like they had no other options than to choose to end their babies' lives.
I thank God all the time for intervening in a time in our lives when we were not very close to Him, nor living in a way that we were seeking Him or serving Him in any way. Being a new high school grad, barely 18, with plans to go away to Providence College...my "choice" to follow through with a surprise pregnancy could have gone in a very different path. I know that it was God's intervention that helped us not to make, what could have been, the worst mistake of our lives.
We were ashamed and scared. Would it have been easy to try and make it all go away? Yes...and no. While abortion may take away a "problem", it leaves emotional scars in its wake that women carry with them for the rest of their lives.
One day, several years ago, I shared my story of being newly pregnant, afraid and ashamed, and how we looked at the options we had thought through at the time, with a small group of women that met for coffee after Mass once a week. I shared how we turned away from making a terrible mistake. And how, years later, Jay and I both had separate spiritual experiences where God revealed to each of us that St. Michael had intervened to keep us from making that terrible mistake.
There is no coincidence that we had named our son, Michael.
One of the woman started to cry and said, "St. Michael didn't save my baby." She shared her story that, as a young woman in college, she had found herself pregnant. She and her boyfriend had panicked and, out of fear, chose to end the pregnancy. She married that man a year or two later and had a daughter and a son. But she carried the guilt for aborting her first child for 16 years, never telling anyone.
That day, we embraced her and loved her. She went to Confession that day, and the guilt and the sadness that she carried all those years was gone. The joy and the relief on her face was just amazing! She even spoke about her feelings to her husband for the first time that day over what they had done and now, that first baby, though not with them, is a part of their lives.
I cannot tell you what an incredibly moving experience it was to be a part of that!
Surprise pregnancies are not easy. Our choice was not easy. It changed the course of our lives forever.
And I am grateful for that every day!
God has brought so much good out of our "mistake"!
My heart bleeds for the millions of babies whose lives were ended so soon after they began. My heart also bleeds for the mothers and the fathers who felt like they had no other options than to choose to end their babies' lives.
I thank God all the time for intervening in a time in our lives when we were not very close to Him, nor living in a way that we were seeking Him or serving Him in any way. Being a new high school grad, barely 18, with plans to go away to Providence College...my "choice" to follow through with a surprise pregnancy could have gone in a very different path. I know that it was God's intervention that helped us not to make, what could have been, the worst mistake of our lives.
We were ashamed and scared. Would it have been easy to try and make it all go away? Yes...and no. While abortion may take away a "problem", it leaves emotional scars in its wake that women carry with them for the rest of their lives.
One day, several years ago, I shared my story of being newly pregnant, afraid and ashamed, and how we looked at the options we had thought through at the time, with a small group of women that met for coffee after Mass once a week. I shared how we turned away from making a terrible mistake. And how, years later, Jay and I both had separate spiritual experiences where God revealed to each of us that St. Michael had intervened to keep us from making that terrible mistake.
There is no coincidence that we had named our son, Michael.
One of the woman started to cry and said, "St. Michael didn't save my baby." She shared her story that, as a young woman in college, she had found herself pregnant. She and her boyfriend had panicked and, out of fear, chose to end the pregnancy. She married that man a year or two later and had a daughter and a son. But she carried the guilt for aborting her first child for 16 years, never telling anyone.
That day, we embraced her and loved her. She went to Confession that day, and the guilt and the sadness that she carried all those years was gone. The joy and the relief on her face was just amazing! She even spoke about her feelings to her husband for the first time that day over what they had done and now, that first baby, though not with them, is a part of their lives.
I cannot tell you what an incredibly moving experience it was to be a part of that!
Surprise pregnancies are not easy. Our choice was not easy. It changed the course of our lives forever.
But, by the grace of God, our choice was life.
The life you see right here!
And I am grateful for that every day!
God has brought so much good out of our "mistake"!
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Mom's Day Off!
Today was such a fun day!
I got (most of) the day off! I have sooo needed this!
My friend, Mary, and I shopped til we dropped. Well, maybe not dropped, but we were pretty tired. (Plus, we ran out of money:)
We went to a large outlet mall less than an hour from our homes. We went into a bunch of different stores, had a nice lunch, the went into a bunch more stores....and we got some great deals.
I love to shop! It was especially enjoyable shopping with 2 hands, eyes, and ears. I didn't have to carry anyone, make sure kids weren't escaping the carriage, or touching things they shouldn't. It was soooo nice!
Although, I wish that I had brought the carriage to put our bags in! But hey, it was a little extra exercise:)
One of the things that made me laugh, was the line of yawning men with eyes glazed over waiting against a wall or window for their wives or girlfriends to finish their shopping at just about every store we went into!
Although, by the end of the day I wish that I had brought my own "bored man" to lug the bags back to the car for us!
I had some Christmas gift money I had received and squirreled away. Jay very generously slipped me some extra money before I left the house, too. So I got to shop quite a bit.
Mostly, I was looking for shirts since I had a real need for them. I also found a skirt, a pair of jeans, a pair of boots, and a purse.
I did really well focusing on myself until we spotted the Disney Store and I made the mistake of going inside.....
I couldn't resist! Kate will look so cute in her Minnie swim suit and sun hat for a family vacation my parents are taking us on to Florida in the spring.(I can't wait!)
The home front did just fine without me. My wonderful husband not only spent the day taking care of the kids, but he also made an awesome roasted chicken dinner! At this moment, he is making homemade chicken broth which will then become chicken soup.(And it will probably be completely eaten by the end of the day tomorrow!)
He is definitely Super Dad!
It has been such a great weekend so far! I got to go out for coffee with a friend last night...and shopping with another friend today! So great:)
.....and tomorrow....GO PATS!!!
I have really needed a break for quite a long time. I think that "burned out" mom won't be making an appearance for a while!
I got (most of) the day off! I have sooo needed this!
My friend, Mary, and I shopped til we dropped. Well, maybe not dropped, but we were pretty tired. (Plus, we ran out of money:)
We went to a large outlet mall less than an hour from our homes. We went into a bunch of different stores, had a nice lunch, the went into a bunch more stores....and we got some great deals.
I love to shop! It was especially enjoyable shopping with 2 hands, eyes, and ears. I didn't have to carry anyone, make sure kids weren't escaping the carriage, or touching things they shouldn't. It was soooo nice!
Although, I wish that I had brought the carriage to put our bags in! But hey, it was a little extra exercise:)
One of the things that made me laugh, was the line of yawning men with eyes glazed over waiting against a wall or window for their wives or girlfriends to finish their shopping at just about every store we went into!
Although, by the end of the day I wish that I had brought my own "bored man" to lug the bags back to the car for us!
I had some Christmas gift money I had received and squirreled away. Jay very generously slipped me some extra money before I left the house, too. So I got to shop quite a bit.
Mostly, I was looking for shirts since I had a real need for them. I also found a skirt, a pair of jeans, a pair of boots, and a purse.
I did really well focusing on myself until we spotted the Disney Store and I made the mistake of going inside.....
I couldn't resist! Kate will look so cute in her Minnie swim suit and sun hat for a family vacation my parents are taking us on to Florida in the spring.(I can't wait!)
The home front did just fine without me. My wonderful husband not only spent the day taking care of the kids, but he also made an awesome roasted chicken dinner! At this moment, he is making homemade chicken broth which will then become chicken soup.(And it will probably be completely eaten by the end of the day tomorrow!)
He is definitely Super Dad!
It has been such a great weekend so far! I got to go out for coffee with a friend last night...and shopping with another friend today! So great:)
.....and tomorrow....GO PATS!!!
I have really needed a break for quite a long time. I think that "burned out" mom won't be making an appearance for a while!
Thursday, January 17, 2013
What's My Focus?
Here is proof that I am not a first time mom....
Most first time moms would grab their wobbly 1 year old as soon as they noticed she had climbed onto the dishwasher. Me...I went to get the camera.:)
A challenge was posed by Kristi at Must Love God today about sharing what we need to work on this year in order to help hold us accountable. Apparently, there's also a buzz about choosing one word to concentrate on and make it your focus of the year.
Just not feeling that.....
But, I do have plenty to work on this year! There is the clutter around me on the outside and the clutter around my insides, too.
Based on the way the year has begun, I think my focus will at least begin on my need to acknowledge that I have needs to and it's ok to have them. I will work on adding my needs to the family calendar along with everyone else's. I will also work on listening to God's prompting in my heart to ask for...and accept help... when I need it.
I also want to work on being more social after a year of being mostly homebound or at least tied to a nursing baby. Nursing is so worth the sacrifice, but I am also looking forward to a little "unattached" time now that Kate is a little bigger and able to stay with Daddy and her Grandmas. (Plus, it gives them special time with her, too!)
I want to focus on my health a little, too, and try to lose this extra baby weight that has been hanging on for the last couple(or 20) years. I just want to feel good about myself while I'm still in my 30's. (17 months and counting...shiver, shiver!)
Gee....sounds a little 'me, me, me', huh?
Well, I guess I will also work (really hard) to ask God to guide my day..to give to others in the everyday moments...to stretch beyond my comfort point when He inspires me to....to love with all I have.....and to ask for, seek, and accept, the moments He will give me to recharge so that I will have even more to give!
Most first time moms would grab their wobbly 1 year old as soon as they noticed she had climbed onto the dishwasher. Me...I went to get the camera.:)
A challenge was posed by Kristi at Must Love God today about sharing what we need to work on this year in order to help hold us accountable. Apparently, there's also a buzz about choosing one word to concentrate on and make it your focus of the year.
Just not feeling that.....
But, I do have plenty to work on this year! There is the clutter around me on the outside and the clutter around my insides, too.
Based on the way the year has begun, I think my focus will at least begin on my need to acknowledge that I have needs to and it's ok to have them. I will work on adding my needs to the family calendar along with everyone else's. I will also work on listening to God's prompting in my heart to ask for...and accept help... when I need it.
I also want to work on being more social after a year of being mostly homebound or at least tied to a nursing baby. Nursing is so worth the sacrifice, but I am also looking forward to a little "unattached" time now that Kate is a little bigger and able to stay with Daddy and her Grandmas. (Plus, it gives them special time with her, too!)
I want to focus on my health a little, too, and try to lose this extra baby weight that has been hanging on for the last couple(or 20) years. I just want to feel good about myself while I'm still in my 30's. (17 months and counting...shiver, shiver!)
Gee....sounds a little 'me, me, me', huh?
Well, I guess I will also work (really hard) to ask God to guide my day..to give to others in the everyday moments...to stretch beyond my comfort point when He inspires me to....to love with all I have.....and to ask for, seek, and accept, the moments He will give me to recharge so that I will have even more to give!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Getting Out
I got the opportunity today I have been trying to fit into my schedule...an opportunity to exercise! (I do appreciate the encouragement, Colleen!:)
My friend Mary and I did a Latin dancing exercise video. This was her choice...quite challenging and I know that I looked pretty ridiculous since I am neither Latin or in any way have ever been a dancer! Mary is a dancing queen so maybe hanging with her will rub off on me a little.
Thankfully, looking good does not equal calories burned!
Sometimes I feel resentful that it is so easy for Jay to get away and do things with the older kids...or by himself.
Let me give a little example. This past weekend Jay went on a 2 hour drive to visit his grandfather with Jon and Mike and then spent a couple of hours at a big tool show that they use as bonding time. All he had to do before he left was shower, wake the boys up, and make breakfast for himself.
This weekend, I am getting several hours away to go shopping at an outlet mall 45 minutes away. Besides showering and eating breakfast, I need to:
My friend Mary and I did a Latin dancing exercise video. This was her choice...quite challenging and I know that I looked pretty ridiculous since I am neither Latin or in any way have ever been a dancer! Mary is a dancing queen so maybe hanging with her will rub off on me a little.
Thankfully, looking good does not equal calories burned!
Sometimes I feel resentful that it is so easy for Jay to get away and do things with the older kids...or by himself.
Let me give a little example. This past weekend Jay went on a 2 hour drive to visit his grandfather with Jon and Mike and then spent a couple of hours at a big tool show that they use as bonding time. All he had to do before he left was shower, wake the boys up, and make breakfast for himself.
This weekend, I am getting several hours away to go shopping at an outlet mall 45 minutes away. Besides showering and eating breakfast, I need to:
- Make sure Kate is changed and dressed for the day. (Otherwise, she will very likely still be in her jammies when I get home in the late afternoon.)
- Make sure Luke is changed and dressed.(same reason)
- Help Peter brush his teeth and put deodorant on or remind Jay to do it.
- Tell Jay what to feed Luke and Kate and Peter for lunch.
- Set up who will pick up Jon at basketball for 1.
- Set up who will pick Sarah up a basketball practice at 10.
- Make sure that everyone knows if there are any specific chores that need to be done before I get back.
It's just not easy for a mom to get out of the house...especially with little ones!
I've been pretty burned out lately. It's been too long since I've gotten any alone time on a regular basis...like 3 and a half years. Which, coincidentally, is the same amount of time I've been nursing....almost 3 1/2 years straight. Both Luke and Kate have been clingy kids with separation struggles. I know that this time is fleeting...all I have to do is look at the 6'4" almost 20 yo in my house....but, sometimes, it can feel like it will last forever.
And that all I do is laundry, dishes and nursing!
Jay is a great husband and dad. He does way more than his fair share around here after working so hard at work all day. He is all for me getting some alone time...after all, what hubby wants a burned out, cranky wife?
Sometimes, I feel angry that he can get away so easy and that I am "stuck" at home. It feels unfair that I can't even get an hour off but he can go off for a weekend with the teenagers and not worry about what's going on at home.(except that his wife might be losing her mind!)
Honestly, I wouldn't want to leave my babies for a whole weekend! All I want is a couple of hours to re-charge and it's frustrating that out of the 168 hours in a week, I can't manage to find a few hours of alone time!(Or sleep more than 2 or 3 hours at a time!)
I am looking forward to Saturday very much! In February, when basketball season winds down, there is going to be some serious "Mom time" that is going to be scheduled in the calendar!
I so need it!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
Dirty Windows
I've been struggling emotionally lately. While our life with such a big family is always a bit chaotic, lately it has just been extra overwhelming to me. There are reasons....Kate and Luke have had lots of bad nights lately, our schedules are extra crazy with 4 kids playing basketball and 1 running track right now, and it's winter....so there's less sunlight and, with 2 little ones, it's not easy to get out and there's nowhere to go.
I know that things haven't been right for a couple of weeks. I have had a lot more fear and anxiety for no real reason. I feel isolated. I feel like the needs of my family are overwhelming and that there's no way I can meet them all. I feel like keeping up with the house is like walking up a 'down' escalator. Then, I feel like all those things I haven't gotten to are mocking me and shout out my incompetence.
I was reading an article by Kate Wicker in Catholic Digest last night on Postpartum Depression. I was surprised at how many of the symptoms matched the way I was feeling.
I love my kids. I love being a wife and mom. I just feel so tired and blah lately. Everyone has so many needs that I don't get much...or any...me time. Sometimes I am guilty of 'Cinderella Syndrome'.....I feel like I can't take me time(aka..go to the ball) until my ridiculous to-do list is done. (I have yet to locate the fairy godmother or magical mice and birds to help!)
I know it's just a bump in the road. I actually have scheduled time to go out on Saturday and go shopping with a friend to buy some new shirts that I have been wanting to get for months! I will be going out completely kid free. These few hours away are incredibly long overdue.
Hopefully the time away will help to give me a better perspective.
After all, I have a really great life....I just need to clean my emotionally "dirty windows" to be able to see it better and appreciate it more.
I know that things haven't been right for a couple of weeks. I have had a lot more fear and anxiety for no real reason. I feel isolated. I feel like the needs of my family are overwhelming and that there's no way I can meet them all. I feel like keeping up with the house is like walking up a 'down' escalator. Then, I feel like all those things I haven't gotten to are mocking me and shout out my incompetence.
I was reading an article by Kate Wicker in Catholic Digest last night on Postpartum Depression. I was surprised at how many of the symptoms matched the way I was feeling.
I love my kids. I love being a wife and mom. I just feel so tired and blah lately. Everyone has so many needs that I don't get much...or any...me time. Sometimes I am guilty of 'Cinderella Syndrome'.....I feel like I can't take me time(aka..go to the ball) until my ridiculous to-do list is done. (I have yet to locate the fairy godmother or magical mice and birds to help!)
I know it's just a bump in the road. I actually have scheduled time to go out on Saturday and go shopping with a friend to buy some new shirts that I have been wanting to get for months! I will be going out completely kid free. These few hours away are incredibly long overdue.
Hopefully the time away will help to give me a better perspective.
After all, I have a really great life....I just need to clean my emotionally "dirty windows" to be able to see it better and appreciate it more.
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