Anxiety has been my constant companion the last few days. I really don't know why. Some moments during the day I can feel almost normal, but before too long, that anxiety washes over me like a wave breaking on the beach. I feel panicked, overwhelmed, like I can't take a deep breath,and not able to focus on things. It makes me want to retreat into a small, safe quiet place...and there is no quiet in my house! So I close my eyes, take some deep breaths, ask for God's assistance and just take things one moment at a time.
It was the anniversary of Therese's death on Tuesday. I did not have the emotional whirlwind that I felt around her birthday. I wonder if the anxiety is somehow linked to loss....sometimes our bodies remember things in ways that are different from our present thoughts. I thought the anxiety would get better after Tuesday, but it really hasn't. Maybe a little, but it's still wreaking havoc on my ability to function.
Therese died on June 5th in 1998. Her funeral was on June 6th. The deep, dark depression started on the 7th. I don't think I really left my bedroom for a few days...just laying on the bed staring at the ceiling as the time went by. I was feeling complete nothingness...emptiness...darkness. Jay was home taking care of the boys because I could't care for anyone. The boys had been such a source of comfort to me while Therese was alive and we were facing her impending loss. When she was in the hospital, Jon would climb into my bed in the middle of the night to snuggle and I would embrace his chubby little body that was so warm and healthy and alive and it would comfort my soul that was already filling with grief. But, after Therese's death, seeing the boys just made the reality that I didn't have my baby girl even more painful. Looking at them laughing, playing and living enveloped me in emotional pain that took my breath away.
Back then, I was incredibly sleep deprived from the events of the previous 2 and a half weeks. The night Therese died we had slept for less than 3 hours..and it was broken sleep. After she died, I suffered from horrible nightmares. Recurring dreams of being in a hospital with an empty bassinet looking for my baby...waking up multiple times a night in tears.
I broke down in Jay's arms in the evening of June 9th...crying over and over "I don't know what to do!", "What are we going to do?". But there was nothing that could change the reality that our baby had died...nothing to stop the pain or take it away. I was drowning in the darkness of grief and depression and despair and wanting to die myself....I was so scared of how out of control I felt in my grief and the scary thoughts I was having. I scared Jay...enough that he left the house to talk to one of the priests that had walked with us during Therese's short life. The priest, Fr. Pat, said he would pray for me that night.
The next morning, Jay's birthday, the despair was lifted. That was a gift. I wanted to go to confession that day and talk about all the scary feelings I had. I was able to talk to Fr. Pat. I also broke down while talking to him when I told him about the nightmares. He prayed over me, and from that night on, the nightmares stopped.(Thank-you, God!)
I was INCREDIBLY emotionally fragile for a long time. I should have gone to counseling right after Therese died. I would have saved my family and myself a lot of grief. Instead, I picked up my shattered life and put it back together the best I could and wrapped it in duct tape. It was never pretty when those broken pieces cut through the duct tape and I fell apart occasionally over the next several years. It wasn't until I was pregnant with Ellie, and really fell apart, that I got the help I needed, and that was 5 years later.
I had severe anxiety attacks after Sarah was born. Anytime I drove in the car I would have these moments of extreme panic that she had stopped breathing. The feeling would make me catch my breath and I would reach back into her car seat and put my hand on her chest to make sure she was breathing. This feeling didn't happen every once in a while....it happened every three or four minutes for the entire time I was driving! It was emotional torture. I needed help but never even told anyone about how I was feeling.
The worst moment of panic was when Sarah was a couple months old. Jay and I had all four kids in Toys R Us. I had Jon sitting in the seat of my carriage with Sarah in her car seat in the main part of my carriage. Jay had Mike and Andrew in his carriage and was walking right behind me. We were walking down an aisle with one of the employees up on a ladder. All of a sudden, that extreme panic took over. I stopped, yelled "Oh my God, where's the baby?" in a completely frightened, hysterical voice. Jay had pure terror on his face and the employee almost fell off the ladder! Jay looked at me and said, "Michelle, she's right in your carriage! She's right there." To which I answered "Oh" and kept walking...pulling my duct tape a little tighter.
Poor Jay must have felt like his wife was losing her mind!
It would almost be a laughable memory if it didn't make me want to cry for the broken, grieving mommy that I was who desperately needed help but didn't ask for it.
Memories can be hard....and sometimes they envelope you when you least expect it! But going through the emotions, instead of trying to stuff them back inside and hold it all together with duct tape!, brings healing and peace. It's not convenient, and it's certainly messy, but it's worth it to let God fix those shattered pieces.
Besides, I need the duct tape to hold our dryer door closed until our new part comes in! You might be a redneck if....you keep your dryer door shut with camo patterned duct tape!(Yep, that's us!)
Thanks for sharing my messy memories......
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
It's Really For Me
I tend to be a typical type A person whose current level of organization often leaves me frustrated. My focus is where it should be...on my children and my husband, particularly my baby and my toddler. That doesn't leave much time during the day to work on all the chores that HAVE to be done, like dishes and laundry. Never mind all the organizational and deep cleaning projects that need to be done but keep getting put off because I just don't have the time, or energy, to tackle them.
Sometimes I feel guilty for blogging. It takes away time I could(should?) be spending on all the things I mentioned in the last paragraph. But writing has been on my heart for quite a while.
I have wanted to start writing for several years but never really knew where to start?....or what to write about?..or what I would do with what I wrote when I finished writing it? I'm really good at creating stalemate situations for myself. I talked myself out of something I felt like I should do for several years!!!
It wasn't until I read The Happiness Project , and with the help of my friend, Anne-Marie, that I took the leap to start a blog. There is SO much to learn. I struggle with patience when I want to learn and be successful at something. I have to frequently remind myself that this is going to take time and I will get to wherever this will lead me and learn tons along the way. If this blog only serves to be a place of memories for my family then that's o.k.
But I really want so much more!
It's so hard to even admit that. Wanting something for me. Wanting to create something that will entertain and encourage and inspire other people. Creating something that might one day be published. Creating something that might help to support my family.
It's terrifying to be blatantly honest in my posts and to share emotions that I have shared with very few people ever! When I write while feeling those raw emotions, I'm sharing all of me. That makes me feel SO vulnerable. The real, true me...uncensored, no filter for anyone who happens to click on my page to see. In non-blogging life I am much more guarded and controlled....but I'm not always revealing myself as a complete person. I might share pieces of myself but in a much more censored way.
I love learning from other people's life experiences and feeling a connection to where they are at in a particular area of their lives. Sometimes I feel I have so much to share. Marriage, having a large family, having lost a child, having had a child as a teenager, having babies, toddlers, grade schoolers and teens all at the same time, having a child with Special Needs, the everyday challenges of being a wife and mother...
All of these things make up who I am.
"Normal Chaos" is my life...it's everyone's life to some degree. The more people you add to the mix, the more chaotic it gets.
People + activities + work +misc.(extended family, friends, disabilities, illness, etc, etc)= normal chaos.
When you have ten people in one house of very varying ages, and schoolwork, a career, sports, throw in some Autism and you get a really wild ride. Around here, if we are at a level of normal chaos, we are doing pretty well!
Blogging about it all helps me to make my life more organized and feel even more meaningful. Blogging gives me a place to share the day to day happenings that I might not take the time to write down otherwise, so it saves my memories for my family. Blogging lets me share me: my life and who I am and how I really feel at any given moment and what I hope for and dream about.
I blog for me.
And that's o.k!
Linking up with Shell @ things I can't say & Learn as I blog@ Giftsweuse.com
Sometimes I feel guilty for blogging. It takes away time I could(should?) be spending on all the things I mentioned in the last paragraph. But writing has been on my heart for quite a while.
I have wanted to start writing for several years but never really knew where to start?....or what to write about?..or what I would do with what I wrote when I finished writing it? I'm really good at creating stalemate situations for myself. I talked myself out of something I felt like I should do for several years!!!
It wasn't until I read The Happiness Project , and with the help of my friend, Anne-Marie, that I took the leap to start a blog. There is SO much to learn. I struggle with patience when I want to learn and be successful at something. I have to frequently remind myself that this is going to take time and I will get to wherever this will lead me and learn tons along the way. If this blog only serves to be a place of memories for my family then that's o.k.
But I really want so much more!
It's so hard to even admit that. Wanting something for me. Wanting to create something that will entertain and encourage and inspire other people. Creating something that might one day be published. Creating something that might help to support my family.
It's terrifying to be blatantly honest in my posts and to share emotions that I have shared with very few people ever! When I write while feeling those raw emotions, I'm sharing all of me. That makes me feel SO vulnerable. The real, true me...uncensored, no filter for anyone who happens to click on my page to see. In non-blogging life I am much more guarded and controlled....but I'm not always revealing myself as a complete person. I might share pieces of myself but in a much more censored way.
I love learning from other people's life experiences and feeling a connection to where they are at in a particular area of their lives. Sometimes I feel I have so much to share. Marriage, having a large family, having lost a child, having had a child as a teenager, having babies, toddlers, grade schoolers and teens all at the same time, having a child with Special Needs, the everyday challenges of being a wife and mother...
All of these things make up who I am.
"Normal Chaos" is my life...it's everyone's life to some degree. The more people you add to the mix, the more chaotic it gets.
People + activities + work +misc.(extended family, friends, disabilities, illness, etc, etc)= normal chaos.
When you have ten people in one house of very varying ages, and schoolwork, a career, sports, throw in some Autism and you get a really wild ride. Around here, if we are at a level of normal chaos, we are doing pretty well!
Blogging about it all helps me to make my life more organized and feel even more meaningful. Blogging gives me a place to share the day to day happenings that I might not take the time to write down otherwise, so it saves my memories for my family. Blogging lets me share me: my life and who I am and how I really feel at any given moment and what I hope for and dream about.
I blog for me.
And that's o.k!
Linking up with Shell @ things I can't say & Learn as I blog@ Giftsweuse.com
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
My little Muffin
Warning: Mushy Post Up Ahead!
I just love, love, love my little baby girl! Kate is so sweet and so cuddly. When I hold her on my hip she holds onto my shirt like a little koala bear.
Kate is a snuggler. She rests her little head on the crook of my neck and I just melt!
Kate is "gabby"....especially in the morning. She will lay on the bed looking at you and make all kinds of noises! When you make comments back to her she smiles her big, gummy grin and it just warms your heart!
I just want to hug her and squeeze her all the time..she's just SO cute!
I love her little hands. When she nurses she always holds her hands together. She will rub them together until she starts to settle and then they just rest quietly together over her eyes. Her hands are so soft and pudgy....just like the rest of her:)
Her little head is like a fuzzy peach. She looks like she has a little buzz cut because she has so many short hairs that are growing.very.slowly. That's ok, though, almost every outfit she has is pink or purple, so people shouldn't confuse her for a boy!
Kate's eyes aren't quite as blue as Ellie's eyes and not quite as round. Ellie has amazing eyes! When she was a baby and a toddler she had light blonde hair too. We used to call her Cindy Lou Who when we put her hair in little pigtails. Ellie's eyes would draw everyone in and were ALWAYS commented about when we were out shopping..big blueberry eyes. Another cutie:)
I don't think Kare's hair will be that light. Her eyes are still mesmerizing. When she holds my gaze, I can't help but smile. I always wonder what she's thinking about when she looks at me. I'm so glad she's happy and healthy.
I am so blessed to be her mommy!
I just love, love, love my little baby girl! Kate is so sweet and so cuddly. When I hold her on my hip she holds onto my shirt like a little koala bear.
Kate is a snuggler. She rests her little head on the crook of my neck and I just melt!
Kate is "gabby"....especially in the morning. She will lay on the bed looking at you and make all kinds of noises! When you make comments back to her she smiles her big, gummy grin and it just warms your heart!
I just want to hug her and squeeze her all the time..she's just SO cute!
I love her little hands. When she nurses she always holds her hands together. She will rub them together until she starts to settle and then they just rest quietly together over her eyes. Her hands are so soft and pudgy....just like the rest of her:)
Her little head is like a fuzzy peach. She looks like she has a little buzz cut because she has so many short hairs that are growing.very.slowly. That's ok, though, almost every outfit she has is pink or purple, so people shouldn't confuse her for a boy!
Kate's eyes aren't quite as blue as Ellie's eyes and not quite as round. Ellie has amazing eyes! When she was a baby and a toddler she had light blonde hair too. We used to call her Cindy Lou Who when we put her hair in little pigtails. Ellie's eyes would draw everyone in and were ALWAYS commented about when we were out shopping..big blueberry eyes. Another cutie:)
This was Ellie at 3. She was a flower girl for my sister's wedding.
Her hair was already starting to darken, but her eyes are still bright blue.
I don't think Kare's hair will be that light. Her eyes are still mesmerizing. When she holds my gaze, I can't help but smile. I always wonder what she's thinking about when she looks at me. I'm so glad she's happy and healthy.
I am so blessed to be her mommy!
Monday, June 4, 2012
Just Loving My Monday
The weather is lousy today, cold and rainy. I don't mind. It gives me a chance to try and catch up on some inside chores. When I say "try" I really mean "try" because so far the morning has flown by and I've only managed to do two loads of laundry!
I haven't been lying on the couch eating bon-bons.(Just in case you might think I would have time to do that!:)
I have changed 4 poopy diapers, made Luke breakfast, got Luke a snack, made Luke lunch, washed and changed his shirt after lunch, danced with Luke, pretended to fish with a belt(I caught a yellow fish and he caught a "froggie"), watched him hop like a frog, played trucks, made a fort with a sheet, nursed Kate multiple times, and spent 30 minutes during Kate's nap working on updating the photo albums so I can erase some pics off my camera.(Memory card is full...again!)
My kids are my world and today I just want to absorb every coo, every smile, every look of wonder as Kate manages to reach the bag of baby wipes, every pretend play moment with Luke....and I am grateful to be home and able to do just that!
I haven't been lying on the couch eating bon-bons.(Just in case you might think I would have time to do that!:)
I have changed 4 poopy diapers, made Luke breakfast, got Luke a snack, made Luke lunch, washed and changed his shirt after lunch, danced with Luke, pretended to fish with a belt(I caught a yellow fish and he caught a "froggie"), watched him hop like a frog, played trucks, made a fort with a sheet, nursed Kate multiple times, and spent 30 minutes during Kate's nap working on updating the photo albums so I can erase some pics off my camera.(Memory card is full...again!)
My kids are my world and today I just want to absorb every coo, every smile, every look of wonder as Kate manages to reach the bag of baby wipes, every pretend play moment with Luke....and I am grateful to be home and able to do just that!
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Don't Blink!
I found a re-run of the Walton's family reunion on the Hallmark channel tonight. The show went back and forth between memories of the kids when they were young and then being all together as adults for John Boy's wedding.
It made me cry. It made me think of the baby boy I held in my arms 19 years ago...the baby that made me a mother..the baby that now towers over me by 9 inches and has to shave every day. The same little boy that held my hand and gave me hugs and saw me as the center of his world is the same young man who is searching for another woman to be the center of his world and begin his own grown-up life.
That makes me cry.
It may sound awful, but what makes me cry even more, is that if he is 19, then I am getting older. Someday I am going to be Mrs. Walton....seeing her children getting married, having grandbabies. Don't get me wrong, I want to be present for that stage in my life more than anything. But reaching that stage means that the time of having my own babies will be over and another chapter of my life will be closed. Most of the time I am SO BUSY nursing, diaper changing, making meals, cleaning up after meals, doing laundry, and more dishes and more laundry, and keeping track of meets and games and practices, etc, that the days and weeks go by SO FAST. By the time I get a chance to take a breath, weeks or months have gone by, and I barely realized it!
As my 30's get closer to coming to an end, I find myself appreciating this stage of my life even more because I know my time is limited. In my 20's I felt like I had all the time in the world. The physical ability to have children seemed endless. Feeling young and in control seemed like it would always be there.
But now.....
Now I don't know if I am nursing my last child? Now I know that each day I have my two grandparents still with us at 93 and 89 is such a gift. Now I know that my parents, as they begin to round the corner towards 70, will not always be able to physically do all they do right now.
I remember when my mother turned 40. I was 15 at the time. And now, I am the one that is 2 years away from turning 40. I can't believe how quickly time has gone.
Jay and I will be married for 20 years this year! 20 YEARS!!! That definitely means I am not in my 20's anymore! Twenty years always felt like such a LONG time. Not anymore! Don't blink!
I am grateful for the (almost) 20 years of memories. I am grateful that we are even closer now than the day we exchanged our wedding vows. I am grateful that I have a chance to appreciate my time with my baby and toddler in a deeper way because I know how fast this special time will speed by.
I want to be physically, mentally and emotionally present for each and every moment!
It made me cry. It made me think of the baby boy I held in my arms 19 years ago...the baby that made me a mother..the baby that now towers over me by 9 inches and has to shave every day. The same little boy that held my hand and gave me hugs and saw me as the center of his world is the same young man who is searching for another woman to be the center of his world and begin his own grown-up life.
That makes me cry.
It seems like just yesterday that Mike was the little toddler in the sand box!
It may sound awful, but what makes me cry even more, is that if he is 19, then I am getting older. Someday I am going to be Mrs. Walton....seeing her children getting married, having grandbabies. Don't get me wrong, I want to be present for that stage in my life more than anything. But reaching that stage means that the time of having my own babies will be over and another chapter of my life will be closed. Most of the time I am SO BUSY nursing, diaper changing, making meals, cleaning up after meals, doing laundry, and more dishes and more laundry, and keeping track of meets and games and practices, etc, that the days and weeks go by SO FAST. By the time I get a chance to take a breath, weeks or months have gone by, and I barely realized it!
As my 30's get closer to coming to an end, I find myself appreciating this stage of my life even more because I know my time is limited. In my 20's I felt like I had all the time in the world. The physical ability to have children seemed endless. Feeling young and in control seemed like it would always be there.
But now.....
Now I don't know if I am nursing my last child? Now I know that each day I have my two grandparents still with us at 93 and 89 is such a gift. Now I know that my parents, as they begin to round the corner towards 70, will not always be able to physically do all they do right now.
I remember when my mother turned 40. I was 15 at the time. And now, I am the one that is 2 years away from turning 40. I can't believe how quickly time has gone.
Jay and I will be married for 20 years this year! 20 YEARS!!! That definitely means I am not in my 20's anymore! Twenty years always felt like such a LONG time. Not anymore! Don't blink!
I am grateful for the (almost) 20 years of memories. I am grateful that we are even closer now than the day we exchanged our wedding vows. I am grateful that I have a chance to appreciate my time with my baby and toddler in a deeper way because I know how fast this special time will speed by.
"The days are long but the years are short."(Gretchen Rubin)
I want to be physically, mentally and emotionally present for each and every moment!
Friday, June 1, 2012
The Name Game
Jay and I have had quite a few (ahem) discussions over what names we would choose for our children over the years. Each of us always has our favorites and our favorites are always different from each other's favorites. I'm going to list our name wars in a backwards order...starting with our youngest only 5 months ago....
When we had Kate(officially Kathryn), Jay REALLY wanted Abigail, but I just wasn't feeling it. I offered to use Abigail as a middle name, but Jay decided to wait. He's (not so) secretly hoping we have another daughter and we can use the name then!?! p.s. I love the alternate spelling I chose...my older sons tell everyone I spelled her name wrong!
Luke, Ellen, Peter, Sarah and Therese were all names that were chosen rather amicably. I threw out Luke and Jay said, "Not bad." So it stuck. Jay suggested Ellen and Peter and I had the same reaction. Therese had special meaning for us so it was an easy choice as well.
Jonathan was come by with a little more angst. He was our third child...and our third boy. But I was convinced he was a girl. I never knew for sure before he was born because he was always "shy" in the ultrasounds! So we only had a girl's name picked out....Abigail Caroline. Obviously that didn't work for a boy. Jon was born at 9:30 in the morning and we tried out several different names during that first day...Sean, Daniel, Benjamin, etc. Jay was leaving the hospital that night and refused to leave until we had a name. He didn't want to call extended family and friends and say "Baby Boy was born today." So, we settled on Jonathan.
We went into the delivery room for Andrew in fierce debate over our list of favorite names. Jay wanted Daniel or Jonathan. I wanted Jarrod or Evan. Neither of us wanted the other's choices...it was a stalemate. Andrew was a rather large baby at 9lbs 8oz and he had a really big head.(When his head came out the nurse looked at me and said, "Wow, he has a really big head." And I thought(sarcastically), "Thanks so much, the rest of him isn't even out yet!") After he was out completely(did I mention I had him without any drugs?), Jay looked at me in all seriousness and said, "Honey, you can name him anything you want!" Thank-you very much for a husband that acknowledged, and was in awe, of what I just went through! I did the fair thing and chose the third name on my list....which was also the third name on Jay's list. Andrew was not either of our favorite names, but it was a compromise...and it was a good fit!
With our first born, we had read through the baby name book countless times and had narrowed the list down to two names that we both liked: Michael and Benjamin. In our heads, we pictured a Benjamin to be calm and laid back...and a Michael to be not quite so calm and laid back. When the day arrived, our baby boy was born with a healthy wail. The doctor moved him to the warming bassinet where he proceeded to......pee all over the nurse! Jay looked at me with a smile and said, "He's a Michael!" And he definitely is!
When we had Kate(officially Kathryn), Jay REALLY wanted Abigail, but I just wasn't feeling it. I offered to use Abigail as a middle name, but Jay decided to wait. He's (not so) secretly hoping we have another daughter and we can use the name then!?! p.s. I love the alternate spelling I chose...my older sons tell everyone I spelled her name wrong!
Luke, Ellen, Peter, Sarah and Therese were all names that were chosen rather amicably. I threw out Luke and Jay said, "Not bad." So it stuck. Jay suggested Ellen and Peter and I had the same reaction. Therese had special meaning for us so it was an easy choice as well.
Jonathan was come by with a little more angst. He was our third child...and our third boy. But I was convinced he was a girl. I never knew for sure before he was born because he was always "shy" in the ultrasounds! So we only had a girl's name picked out....Abigail Caroline. Obviously that didn't work for a boy. Jon was born at 9:30 in the morning and we tried out several different names during that first day...Sean, Daniel, Benjamin, etc. Jay was leaving the hospital that night and refused to leave until we had a name. He didn't want to call extended family and friends and say "Baby Boy was born today." So, we settled on Jonathan.
We went into the delivery room for Andrew in fierce debate over our list of favorite names. Jay wanted Daniel or Jonathan. I wanted Jarrod or Evan. Neither of us wanted the other's choices...it was a stalemate. Andrew was a rather large baby at 9lbs 8oz and he had a really big head.(When his head came out the nurse looked at me and said, "Wow, he has a really big head." And I thought(sarcastically), "Thanks so much, the rest of him isn't even out yet!") After he was out completely(did I mention I had him without any drugs?), Jay looked at me in all seriousness and said, "Honey, you can name him anything you want!" Thank-you very much for a husband that acknowledged, and was in awe, of what I just went through! I did the fair thing and chose the third name on my list....which was also the third name on Jay's list. Andrew was not either of our favorite names, but it was a compromise...and it was a good fit!
With our first born, we had read through the baby name book countless times and had narrowed the list down to two names that we both liked: Michael and Benjamin. In our heads, we pictured a Benjamin to be calm and laid back...and a Michael to be not quite so calm and laid back. When the day arrived, our baby boy was born with a healthy wail. The doctor moved him to the warming bassinet where he proceeded to......pee all over the nurse! Jay looked at me with a smile and said, "He's a Michael!" And he definitely is!
Special Blessings
Yesterday I was thinking about when I first found out I was pregnant with Luke. It was right before Christmas in 2008. It had been almost 6 years since Ellen was born, and she had just stared Kindegarten. That fall had been a big change for me. I was pretty blue in September...grieving the end of our baby years. I started working several mornings a week and was just starting to embrace this new chapter in our life.
There is a certain freedom in having all the kids in school...I had more time for myself...I was enjoying having the extra money, etc.
In the middle of December, I started to suspect something might be up. I didn't say anything for a few days because I occasionally have wacky cycles. I decided to mention the possibility of being pregnant the weekend we were going to put up the Christmas tree. My plan was to wait until after the tree was up. Putting up the tree is not always such a fun, joyous occasion! With an autistic child running around, a sensory defensive teenager who hates when people sing(that's always so much fun...insert eye roll here), and just the general bickering that can occur among siblings, decorating the Christmas tree is usually not a Norman Rockwell scene in our house!
I figured I would see how it went. I didn't want to announce that we might be having another child when we weren't sure we wanted to keep the ones we had!(kidding) So I kept praying for the right moment to reveal my suspicion.
It was hard to keep quiet. It was all I could think about. Was there the tiniest baby growing inside of me? How would I start the baby stage all over again? How would we handle a baby with all of Peter's needs? So many emotions...scared, excited, happy, confused...all at once.
Before we got the tree in the house, Jay gave me a random hug in the dining room. He whispered, "Do you ever regret that we didn't have more children?" That was obviously the moment I had been praying for! I said, "Actually, honey..." and just let the silence speak for itself. Jay got SO excited and ran right out to get a pregnancy test. I wanted to wait a few more days but he couldn't wait another hour! I am blessed to have a husband who loves children so much!
All the kids were happy and excited....even Mike who was almost 16 at the time. We thought our lives were headed in another direction but God had other plans!
Now we have a baby and a toddler...it's been awhile since we had that combo in our lives. It's tough to juggle the older kids' sports and toddler's naps and baby nursing. I'm not so sure the teenagers are thrilled when I'm nursing at their high school(or college) games but I think they do like all the attention they get for days afterwards from people telling them how cute their sister is.(Except when people think the baby is theirs!) Luke and Kate have kept the teenagers "home centered" because they don't want to miss anything and they don't want the little ones growing up not knowing them.
I am so grateful for the unexpected gifts of Luke and Kate. They have brought a lot of joy and healing to our family. I can't imagine life without them!
There is a certain freedom in having all the kids in school...I had more time for myself...I was enjoying having the extra money, etc.
In the middle of December, I started to suspect something might be up. I didn't say anything for a few days because I occasionally have wacky cycles. I decided to mention the possibility of being pregnant the weekend we were going to put up the Christmas tree. My plan was to wait until after the tree was up. Putting up the tree is not always such a fun, joyous occasion! With an autistic child running around, a sensory defensive teenager who hates when people sing(that's always so much fun...insert eye roll here), and just the general bickering that can occur among siblings, decorating the Christmas tree is usually not a Norman Rockwell scene in our house!
I figured I would see how it went. I didn't want to announce that we might be having another child when we weren't sure we wanted to keep the ones we had!(kidding) So I kept praying for the right moment to reveal my suspicion.
It was hard to keep quiet. It was all I could think about. Was there the tiniest baby growing inside of me? How would I start the baby stage all over again? How would we handle a baby with all of Peter's needs? So many emotions...scared, excited, happy, confused...all at once.
Before we got the tree in the house, Jay gave me a random hug in the dining room. He whispered, "Do you ever regret that we didn't have more children?" That was obviously the moment I had been praying for! I said, "Actually, honey..." and just let the silence speak for itself. Jay got SO excited and ran right out to get a pregnancy test. I wanted to wait a few more days but he couldn't wait another hour! I am blessed to have a husband who loves children so much!
All the kids were happy and excited....even Mike who was almost 16 at the time. We thought our lives were headed in another direction but God had other plans!
Now we have a baby and a toddler...it's been awhile since we had that combo in our lives. It's tough to juggle the older kids' sports and toddler's naps and baby nursing. I'm not so sure the teenagers are thrilled when I'm nursing at their high school(or college) games but I think they do like all the attention they get for days afterwards from people telling them how cute their sister is.(Except when people think the baby is theirs!) Luke and Kate have kept the teenagers "home centered" because they don't want to miss anything and they don't want the little ones growing up not knowing them.
I am so grateful for the unexpected gifts of Luke and Kate. They have brought a lot of joy and healing to our family. I can't imagine life without them!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)