Crawling Out Of My Skin

Do you ever have one of those days when you are just crawling out of your own skin?  Since it is finally getting warmer here, it's time to change into spring/summer clothes.  Last spring I was 3 months pregnant and wearing maternity clothes.  And this year I have a nursing 5 month old and, even though I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight(which is still 20 lbs. higher than I want to be), none of my spring/summer clothes fit right.  My waist line is still not back to where it was before...and, because of nursing, my chest is much larger than normal.

Some days I can feel ok with my body.  And some days not so much.  This is a "not so much" day.  I feel like every fiber from my clothes that touches my body is accentuating the rolls.  I can't stand the way the cloth touching me feels.  It's making me feel like crawling out of my skin.  It's making the chores I need to do take so long because I am having anxiety because of the way I feel.  I am struggling with patience with my kids because I am feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin.  I can't stand being touched right now.  And you know what happens when you are feeling like that....everyone wants hugs and to be held!

I do not lose weight easily.  I also lack fortitude.  I can work super hard at eating healthy and trying to exercise and only lost a pound or two.  That's so discouraging.  It's especially hard when I'm nursing.  I know for some people nursing makes it easier to lose weight.  Not me.  Losing weight goes extra slow when I'm nursing and I've been nursing for almost 3 continuous years.

I know I just need to keep working at it and not give up.(Sewing my mouth shut has a certain appeal too!)  I also need to make some time to go shopping and get some clothes that i feel comfortable in.  I just feel really negative and sensitive about it today.....

More Living In The Moment~3rd Edition

After a truly peace filled and enjoyable Mother's Day, bed time was a welcome arrival.  Kate was not settling in her crib for some reason so I brought her into bed with me.  She settled right in to a deep sleep.  Sometimes she just needs to be close to mommy.  I was laying down next to her just gazing at her pretty, little face in the night light illuminated room.  She was so peaceful and I am just so grateful for this unexpected gift that God sent us.

Luke started fussing and calling for me..."Mommeee!"  He wanted a drink.  It looked like he was going to settle down but started fussing again a few minutes later.  I gave him more water and he climbed into bed with me.  He settled right down and put his foot on my leg...just wanting to know I was there.  

So there I was, between two little, precious children who needed the reassurance of their mommy's presence.  I thought of how this was what being a mom was all about.  To give all your love and all of yourself.  It's the sacrifice of sore shoulders and hips from sleeping in the same position too long because you don't want to wake  up the little one(s) in your bed.  It's the lack of sleep....the lack of "me" time...the lack of flexibility to go out and shop, or eat, or an easy night out with friends.

But................

Those peaceful moments when you watch them sleep....or see their gummy grins...or get that first drooly baby kiss..or hear "I yuv you" from a toddler...or see your 9 year old that looks at you with complete love and without seeing your failures....or your teenagers that see all your failures(and point them all out) but give you a hug out of the blue or text you a "thank-you, mom" or "I love you, mom"....those moments are worth all the sacrifices!

Happy Mother's Day

I am very blessed to have friends in my life who, through examples with their own children, make me a better mom!

I think that each of us fights our own "demons", trying to avoid passing down the things from our own childhood that were less than ideal.  It's so hard to parent when the example was not made clear when we were children.  I'm sure that there are things my kids will look at in their lives growing up that they will improve upon. I am far from perfect!

I am thankful for the friends that God has put in my life that give me examples in mothering my children that I would not have known otherwise.  I have learned to love and respect my children as individuals in a much deeper way because I have seen my friends love and respect their children.  They have taught me by example and I am so grateful for them!

I didn't come from a large family.  It was only me and my younger sister.  Having a big family was always something that I wanted.  I don't know why.  Sometimes I can't believe that I have been married almost 20 years and have this house full of children!  I can't believe that some of these children will soon be adults...well, one technically is already!  Most days I feel like I am just flying by the seat of my pants.  It is especially hard trying to parent young adults when I skipped that stage myself by getting married and having a baby at 18.  It's hard to guide your kids when your own experiences were so different.

Happy Mother's Day to all who mother...whether by giving birth, adoption, or loving and caring for children who are not your own.  I send up a special prayer for all those women who pray to be moms but have not yet been given an answer to their prayers.  I pray that their longing for a child is fulfilled!

I am blessed to be a mother.  For me, that's all I really wanted. 

Planning for Mother's Day

Some days you just feel a little flat.  That's how I felt today.  No real reason...it was a good day overall.  I had some grown-up time today talking to a friend and my sister-in-law.(Talking to grown-ups is always a good thing for stay at home moms!:)

Like I said before...just flat.  I think I just need a little sleep and some time to catch up on laundry and do the grocery shopping!  

I'm hosting a Mother's Day luncheon at our house Sunday.  It will include my family, my in-laws, and my sister's in-laws.  I want to make it special....but in order to do that I have to go shopping tonight to get all the things I need.  I'm planning on prepping the food tomorrow so that it won't be too crazy on Sunday morning.  Here's my menu so far:

lasagna(2 regular, 1 gluten free)

spiral ham

baked beans

taco salad

strawberries and dip

melon skewers

apple sauce(my brother-in-law makes)

2 appetizer dips(from my sisters in-laws)

bread pudding(my sister makes)

lemon cheesecake bars

chocolate truffle cheesecake

punch

I need to get some small brown pots for the girls to paint so they can be a centerpiece/take home gift for the moms that are present.  Ellie made a really cute pot for me at school for mother's day with lady bugs all over it.  They made the lady bugs with their finger prints and used a black sharpie for the spots.  So cute!  So I'm going to have them copy that design. 

The girls will help me cut the melon with small cookie cutters and put the fruit on small wooden skewers.  They did that at the American Girl Bistro where we took Ellie for her birthday lunch.  Something a little extra special!

Having it at our house is so much easier than trying to contain a 2 year old, and Peter, in a restaurant.  Eating out had no appeal to me...way too much stress.  (I know, you are probably laughing because cooking all that food and having 30 people over isn't easy either!  But I do like to cook and entertain!)

The best part is that because my family and Jay's family are coming to lunch, I will have the rest of the day all to myself.  And for dinner....Papa Gino's pizza!!!!:)

What Mothering Is All About

Today I'm going to do something I've never done before!  I stumbled across Mama Kat's Writer's workshop blog.  She does a weekly writing prompt that I thought was interesting.  I decided to give it a try.  Today's prompt was:

1.) Happy almost Mother’s Day! Share a parenting moment where you really began to realize what this mothering thing is all about.

The first memory that popped into my head was from 19 years ago.  Michael was only about 2 months old at the time and had caught a bad cold and had a cough.  I took him to the doctor.  He considered hospitalizing him but the chest x-ray was clear, so he just wanted me to keep a close eye on him.

I was young(18) and terrified he would have to go back to the hospital.(Mike had already been to the hospital when he was a week old because his bilirubin levels were too high.  My inexperience as a mom and his difficulties latching on were the cause.  When we tell that story now his siblings always tease him and say he couldn't figure out how to nurse!)

I was so worried that he would stop breathing or his cough would get worse.  I remember laying on the couch propped up at night to sleep with Mike laying on my chest so I could feel him breathing.  The vaporizer was set up a couple of feet away. 

 I certainly didn't get a lot of sleep for a couple of nights....but it didn't matter.  All that did matter was  that Michael was safe and cared for!  

That's what mothering is all about...doing our best to love and care for our children.  With a house full of children I have had lots of mothering opportunities.  I have not always made the most of those opportunities!  Sometimes the sleep deprivation or the busy schedule or the overwhelming to-do list chips away at my patience and I am not the loving, caring mom I want to be.  Even those moments that are not so bright(i.e. Mom has lost her mind again...run for cover!) can be turned into a teachable moment in how to apologize and ask forgiveness when you don't act the way you should!

For the record, I believe all the mothers that have told me that you never stop worrying about your children and that, as they get older, the worries get bigger!(DRIVING!!!shudder, shudder!)

Even though sometimes(read: often) they drive me crazy, I would not choose any other life besides my own!

How Many Kids Do You Have?

Being a parent of a large family has its comical moments.  One of them is seeing the look of shock on people's faces when they ask how many children we have.  Usually their next comment is "God Bless you"...which can have many different meanings.  "God Bless You" can mean, "Wow, you are crazy people!"  "God Bless You" can mean, "Thank God it's you and not me!"  "God Bless You" can mean "You need some serious help!"  And, sometimes, "God Bless You" is said just the way that it's meant.

Regardless of the tone of voice of the people saying it, I always reply, "Yes, He has."  (And that's exactly the way I mean it!

"How many kids do you have?" is actually a loaded question for me.  I have had 9 children.  I have only had the privilege of raising 8 of them.

To say that I have 8 children always makes my heart twist a little.  I feel like I am somehow belittling our daughter, Therese's, short life.  I feel like I am somehow denying her very real place in our family.  She will always be our fourth child.  She will always be our first daughter.

To tell people I have 9 children often opens Pandora's box because I often end up having to explain that we had a child that died.  Sometimes people get really uncomfortable.  Sometimes I feel like I'm opening a window to my heart that I don't really want to share with just anyone.

When Therese first died I always included her when people asked how many children we had.  It was my attempt to hold onto her presence and make her short time as a visible part of our family more real.  It was so painful for me to share that...it was like being stabbed with a small knife in the heart every time.  That was when our grief was still very much on the surface.  Emotionally, I was like a cracked vase that had been taped back together.  I'm sure that every time I explained what had happened my face portrayed my intense pain even though I had managed to mostly numb my emotions on the inside.(I remember meeting the mom of a childhood friend in the grocery store when Sarah was a few months old.  When she made a comment about Sarah, I told her about Therese.  She hadn't realized we had lost a baby the year.before, and she was visibly trying not to cry.  I remember feeling surprised at her emotion, and then surprised at how frozen my own emotions were.  I can still remember the compassion and sadness on her face...how Sarah looked in the grocery cart..where we were standing in the produce aisle...)

Eventually, it was just too painful and difficult to explain.  So I stopped.  It was like losing her all over again on a slightly less intense level.  It was one of the ways that our ties to her earthly existence were cut....the same way we felt when we put away her baby clothes...and the day we took apart the crib 3 months after she died.  It was always a letting go...just a little at a time because that's all we could handle.

When people ask me how many children I have, I may outwardly answer 8.....but, in my heart, I always answer 9.

A Precious Little Gift

I have a wiggly 4 month old in my lap.  She's been a little grumpy since yesterday.  Maybe some early teething?(She's gnawing on her hands) She's definitely extra clingy...but that's ok.  One of the good things about having multiple children is that you know from experience that the different phases won't last forever!(Although sometimes it feels like it will...such as the stage my never-sleeps-through-the night toddler is in!)

My little Kate is snuggled nursing in my arms.  Her two little hands started out all balled up covering her eyes.  Now they are grasping the front of my shirt.  One of her hands has a strand of my hair twisted in it.(Gotta love that post pregnancy hair shed!)

She's hungry again since she spit up part of her last feeding all over my arm.  I now have the lovely smell I refer to as Eau de spit up!

She's starting to relax and fall asleep.  Her hands are more relaxed and her sucking has almost stopped.  Her breathing has slowed.  Her pudgy little body fits so well into my arms.  She's so squishy and cuddly!

I don't think this will be a productive afternoon!  I think I am just going to snuggle with Kate in my arms, gaze at her pretty little face, and thank God for this precious little girl!