Finding A Happy Moment

Peter had field day at his school today.  Special things at Peter's school are always a struggle for me.  For my "neuro-typical" kids, field day causes much excitement over time off from doing work and the fun of competition.  (I use neuro-typical because I dislike the word "normal" because that would imply that Peter is abnormal...and that's too negative for me.  Peter's normal is just different from everyone else's normal!)

Peter doesn't "get" field day.  If he participates, it's really more like a rote listening of commands("wait in line"  "hold the ball" "walk to the cone" etc.) than any kind of excitement over competition.  Peter doesn't "get" competition, either.

It is hard to see him mixed in with his neuro-typical peers.  There is no mask that can hide the vast differences between Peter and the other kids in his age group.  It twists the grief knife in my heart a bit to see the other kids and think that this is what he would be like if he wasn't so affected by Autism.

Going to these types of things for Peter is also hard because, even though he realizes I'm there, it doesn't seem to really matter to him.  He acknowledges that I'm there but there is no connection that my other kids would make that "I'm so happy Mom is here to see me.  I'm so glad she brought the baby and I can feel important showing off my little sister."  As a mom we are supposed to give all we have(and I do)....but it really is hard when there's almost never any positive reaction shown in return.  I know I'm not supposed to feel that way, but I do.  Sometimes being Peter's mom is just hard.

And then there's the fear of what I'm actually going to see while I'm there.  Will he freak out at all?  Will my presence make him act out and not follow his teachers?  Will he freak out when I leave and he stays at school? Will I have to bring him home with me?

But if I don't go, I will feel guilty about it all day!  So, the guilt over not going won out over all my other concerns.....

...And I'm glad I went because it went just fine....well, "Peter fine", that is.

The first activity they did was a three legged race.  He got paired up with a little boy from a regular 3rd grade class.  I held my breath at first because I wasn't sure how the boy was going to react being paired with Peter.  The other boys in his class were paired off with each other.  But he was very nice to Peter and didn't even complain.  I sent up a silent thank-you for that one and a prayer for grace for Peter's partner for his generosity.

Peter missed the relay with the ping pong ball in the spoon because he wandered off to see the tug-of-war.  Oh, well...On to the basketball relay, where he threw the ball instead of dribbling.  He almost got his shot in and half dribbled, half carried the ball on the way back before passing it to his classmate.

For following directions he earned some time playing with 2 dinosaurs, which he enjoyed more than the races.

After a short wait to let all the other kids finish, we moved on to the next event.  Walking over to the area we had to be in, Peter was singing as he walked, "I'm so glad you came."  Maybe he was singing his feelings, and maybe not.  But I will take it that he meant it....A little gift for Mom!

It was on to the sponge race.  The kids had to run a short way to a bucket filled with water, put a sponge in it, and run back to where they started and squeeze the water into another bucket.  Peter likes water....actually, loves water.  So he waited in line, walked to the other bucket(he would just giggle as everyone prompted him to run, run tow steps, and walk again), and then walked back.  He wandered around the area as the other kids had turns and people were cheering.  He had another turn and earned time with the dinosaurs again.  Occasionally he would walk over and dunk them in the bucket.(He does not get the idea of a race or competition!)  But he was having fun.  He reminded me of the Disney cartoon, Ferdinand the Bull...."And he just sat quietly and smelled the flowers.".....except for Peter the quote would be "He quietly walked around aimlessly...and occasionally ate the flowers."(!)

Then it was time for snack so his teachers brought him and his 3 friends back up to the classroom.  He did not ask to go home.  No fits or tantrums or behaviors!  Peter just waved a distracted good-bye to me after his teacher took this picture of us.

(Last week I stumbled onto a blog that encourages moms to take pictures with their families.  I am very guilty of being the picture taker so there are not a lot of memories with me pictured in them.  So, regardless of how I am not thrilled with my body, I am making an effort to be more visibly present.  This was my first attempt...ponytail, no make-up and all.)

But it's for my kids...and I will do anything for them...even Field Day and pictures!

You Never Stop Learning As A Parent

A quote that I read this morning from the blog, Adventures in Babywearing, really spoke to me.  She was talking about her kids and said, 

"And they make me who I am as much as I made them them."

That's just so true!

My children have taught me how to love someone more than myself(at least most of the time!)

They have taught me how to accept change(because they are always changing...and not just their clothes!)

They have taught me how to work with people's strengths and strengthen people's weaknesses because they are all so different and excel(and struggle) in different areas.

They have taught me that multi-tasking is a fine art that can always be improved upon!

They have taught me to really listen in order to understand what they are really saying.(i.e., "i'm fine" can have many different meanings)

They have taught me to listen to my heart to know when something they say they "need" is really only a want....and to know when something they "want"(like playing basketball with Jay or watching a movie together) is really a need.

They have taught me that teenagers need as much, and sometimes more, attention and effort as when they were younger because they are still growing and changing SO much and their  emotional needs are very important.

My children have taught me that I need way more patience than I possess and constantly give me opportunities to fail....I mean grow... in this area!

My children have taught me so many things beyond showing me how talented I am at surviving through years and years of sleep deprivation!

They have taught me way more than I have listed here...but I have to stop blogging and attend to something else my kids have given me lots of practice in over the years....the art of diaper changing!!!

Seeing In The Dark

Last night around 10:45 the power in our neighborhood went out.  Pitch darkness enveloped our house and silence replaced the sounds of the Celtics game my husband and sons had been watching. Cell phone screens were used as flashlights to lock up the house and get ready for bed.

Luke was restless even earlier than usual last night so he was already in my bed when the power went out.  I was laying in my bed between Kate and Luke in the darkness.  I was feeling very vulnerable and thinking how isolating true darkness can feel when we are so used to connection in this technologically driven world.

Luke started stirring and he reached out to feel my face with his hand to make sure it was me(Usually we have a nightlight).  He settled back into sleep with his pudgy little hand on my arm for a little extra assurance that Mom was there....

My hand was on Kate's belly feeling it go up and down with every breath she took.....

They are so sweet and so little and changing so fast.  I wanted to etch this memory on my heart so that it stays forever!  It was one of those moments when I wish time could stop, or at least slow way down so that they could stay small for just a while longer.

     

A Special Thank-You

I've often just thought of the benefits of Memorial Day as being a much appreciated 3 day weekend that gave me the gift of extra time with my family.  As a child born in an era after Vietnam and many years before the conflict explosion in the mid east, war was just a part of my history books.  My grandfathers both fought in World War II but it was something they never spoke of.

My older sons have all been very interested in history.  Jon in particular would often ask my grandfather questions about his experiences.  Much of what he went through is still extremely painful to talk about, even after all these years.  My grandfather(Pepere) is a man with a sensitive heart: generous, loving, and quick to shed a tear over sad and happy news.  When Luke was born we surprised Pepere by giving Luke Pepere's name, Arthur, as a middle name.  Jon showed Pepere the picture we texted everyone as soon as Luke was born with Luke Arthur written underneath it.(Pepere is not a "new technology" kind of person and will never get a cell phone...he doesn't even have a credit card!)  When Pepere saw the picture and Jon pointed out his name, Pepere started crying.  And he cried again when he held Luke the first time...and he proudly tells his Dunkin friends that Luke is named after him.

Pepere is a very sensitive man.  I never knew that he could not watch movies, or even news reports, about information from any war, whether past or present.  It would cause him much anxiety.

Four years ago, Jon was in 7th grade and doing a report on D-Day.  My grandfather heard Jon had chosen this topic and wanted to share his story.  One day during Jon's research, Pepere came over and Jon had a list of questions that he asked him.  Pepere was on a Navy supply ship that was stationed just off the Normandy beach on D-Day.  Pepere shared his many memories of that difficult day with Jon...his own fear and the fear of the men around him.  Really it was more terror than fear.  Seeing some his friends wounded and killed.  You could see in his face that he was right back on that ship watching all the events unfold in his head.  He broke down several times.  Each time Jon would tell him, "It's ok, Pepere, you don't have to tell me anymore."  But Pepere really wanted to share his story with Jon in a way he had never shared it before.

In the last few years after talking to Jon, and with the help of our local Veterans Association, Pepere received medals that he had earned during the War but never received.  After all these years, it helped him to feel thanked and validated for his service to our country.  Pepere was so proud to receive these medals...and Jon was the first person he showed them to.

He also got to speak to a counselor that helped him to realize that he suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  After WWII, the men coming back were thrown right back into "normal life"  and left to deal with all they had seen and felt on their own.  I'm sure most men were like my grandfather, who internalized and sealed off all those traumatic memories that bubbled up to the surface whenever something triggered those memories.  These men did not have the psychological support to help them work through it all.  What a heavy cross to carry all their lives.

Pepere will turn 90 in a few months.  He is not the typical 89 year old.  He is still very independent...lives alone,  takes care of his house and yard, does too much even though we are always offering help.  He seems to know everyone in the city he lives in...my older boys joke and tell him he should run for Mayor!  Pepere can be seen at Dunkin Donuts every morning and every late afternoon sipping a small coffee and shooting the bologna with whoever is there.

I think that talking through his experiences helped to alleviate some of his anxiety and terror from his difficult memories.  I'm glad...and it shows that no matter what age you are, there can always be healing.

Today we will pray in a special way for Pepere and all the men and women that have served and are serving in any of our country's Armed Forces.  We owe them much gratitude for the sacrifices they made and continue to make.

Be Careful What You Pray For!

Do you ever notice that when you go through a period of feeling blue and start to come out of it, that the world around you looks different?  The last couple of weeks have been a little tough for me, but the last few days have gotten much better.  I started noticing it in the middle of the week.  I opened the fridge and all the colors really caught my attention...the orange juice looked so orange, and the broccoli so green, etc.  I think everything, including colors, had dulled into a shade of gray while I was feeling that low level depression.

This morning I was in my room getting dressed.  I was looking around the (extremely messy, in desperate need of a deep clean) room and really admired our wall color.  It's a really creamy medium brown color and I just love it.  We painted it a couple of years ago and it's just a really classy color.  It was nice to notice and appreciate it.

When I was at Mass this morning I recognized that I just felt happy.  I think you notice feeling happy even more strongly when you have felt "not happy" for any amount of time.  Feeling happy was something extra to feel grateful for.

It was also a BEAUTIFUL day today!  Sunny, warm and just perfect!  We spent a lot of time outside in the back yard...uncovering the pool and watching the little boys play on the swings and in the sandbox.

We are enjoying our backyard SO much right now because it is brand new.  Our backyard is actually the result of that saying, "Be careful what you pray for.".....

Two and a half years ago, I really wasn't sure if I wanted to stay in this house or not.  There were several things that didn't work for our family.  The most important thing that did work was the location.  We happen to live in one of the best towns in the area in regards to special education for Peter.  So, if we were going to move, we had to stay in the same town.  I started looking at houses and we made a "must have" list of things we needed to change in order to stay in our current home.  The list to stay was: putting on a garage and a family room and re-working our backyard layout so it could be functional in some way.

We live in an area that has the dreaded septic systems.  They stink...literally and figuratively!  Our house had this enormous raised system that we nicknamed "Mt. Septic."  Mt. Septic took up a third of our yard.  It was an eyesore.  And we never really used the back yard because of it.  The swing set was in the side yard because the septic system was so high that half of our yard had a strange pitch because of the way it was graded.  It wasn't conducive to baseball games or soccer games either because of that hill.

Trying to figure out a way to make Mt. Septic better was a challenge.  Jay and I threw out ideas about a retaining wall so that maybe we could take away some of the grading and have room for an above ground pool...a lot of work but I needed to have a usable back yard if we were going to stay.  It was a "must have."

So I was praying for guidance about where we were meant to live and, if we were meant to stay, what we could do about Mt. Septic.  The winter before last, I noticed that a spot in the snow on Mt. Septic was melted in a circle right on top of the system.  My heart sank and when the Spring came our friend who was an engineer confirmed my fear that our system was failing:(

We went through the difficult, and pricey, process of repairing the system.  Because of the extreme generosity of one of our neighbors that owned the woods behind us, they gave us a permanent easement to allow part of our system to be on their property.  We were able to move our septic system and it was able to be a regular gravity fed system...no more Mt. Septic!  It took a long time to get it designed and put in.  But last August it was finished and we got a pool and poured a patio and Jay built a big sandbox for Luke to dig in with his trucks.  We planted grass in September and moved the swing set back there in October.

Now that the grass has(mostly) grown in and we are opening up the pool, I am getting excited to really enjoy our new backyard.  My grandmother surprised her 6 grandchildren with a monetary gift last week that I used to buy a patio set and order a new awning for our deck.  The shade will be great for the baby so I can keep her out of the sun while I watch the other kids in the pool.  We set up a volleyball/badminton net on Saturday.  Jay is going to build a small deck for the pool in the next couple of weeks.  It's so exciting to be able to have this great space for our family and friends to enjoy!

When I was praying for inspiration for our yard I never imagined that our septic system would fail!  But, if our septic system hadn't failed, we never would have had such a great backyard.  Sometimes our prayers are answered in very surprising ways!

A Nice Day

Today was such a nice day.

I am grateful for the time spent with our friends at our home tonight during a potluck dinner, some prayer time, and then potluck dessert.

I am grateful that the day we spent preparing for the party was filled with peace and cooperative helpers.  I can honestly say I didn't yell once about getting the house cleaned.  Even though we didn't get to everything on the to-do list I felt satisfied with what we did get.  We had a good pace going through the day too, that included breaks, so that it didn't feel like there was so much pressure to get everything done in a manic way.  Even Jay looked at me right before everyone was supposed to arrive and said, "Today was such a great day!"  

That has NEVER happened before on a party prep day!

This is certainly not always the case of how our pre-party clean up happens...In fact, I usually struggle to keep my emotions calm because there is so much to do and never enough time to really do it all.  

Today was different...I'm not sure why.  But I am really happy with how everything went.  We even hired a babysitter for Peter to follow him around and keep an eye on him so Jay and I could enjoy socializing with our friends.  It worked out great!

I have thoroughly enjoyed the first day of our holiday weekend and I'm looking forward to tomorrow!  I hope you all have a great time with your families and friends as well!

All About Andrew

My son, Andrew, has mentioned to me on a couple of occasions that he has been mentioned in my blog less than his siblings.  So I decided that today's post would be "All About Andrew."  (Don't worry, Andrew...it won't be about everything...especially about a certain special someone that you don't want me to blog about....at least not today!;)

Andrew is our second son.  He was born a little ornery....spent the first few months being pretty colicky...and always enjoyed quiet places.  (Pretty ironic considering our household is almost never quiet!)

Andrew is very smart.  He would memorize how to spell long words, like elephant, when he was only three.  Andrew would come to us and ask how to spell a word.  We would spell it for him.  Then he would ask us to spell it again.  After we spelled it a second time he would repeat it back to us and "click", it was in his head for good.

Andrew also taught himself to read when he was four.  We realized he could read when we drove past a milk truck one day and he read the advertisements on the side.  He certainly surprised us that day!

Andrew has also been blessed with the "math gene" from my husband's side of the family.  Mike would be doing his first grade math homework out loud at the table(3 + 5=) and Andrew, who was 4, would yell out the answer from the living room before Mike had a chance to answer it himself.  Mike would get so mad and yell at him, "Andrew, that's my homework!"

Andrew's passion was dinosaurs.  He knew everything there was to know about every type of dinosaur: their names, the period they lived in, all their characteristics, etc.  He would get so mad at us when he would "quiz" us on dinosaur facts and we honestly didn't know the answer.  Andrew thought we were just teasing him.

We were in Disney World when Andrew was 5.  We were in Epcot taking a break for lunch.  Andrew was telling Jay and my brother-in-law, Matt, all about the first mammal called the Dinotherium, which was a distant relative of the elephant.  Jay and Matt were humoring him but thought he was getting things confused...neither had ever heard of any such animal.

We went on the Universe of Energy ride right after lunch.  Part of the ride involves going back in time and seeing an incredible, realistic scene from dinosaur times.  Then, when we are supposed to be heading back to the present, a radio announcer is describing certain scenes in time from the dinosaur times to the present.  Well, wouldn't you know, that one of the things that was mentioned was the arrival of the first mammal, called the Dinotherium, who was a distant relative of the elephant!  Jay and Matt looked at Andrew very surprised...and Andrew just had this giant grin on his face and said,"See, I told you!"