And So It Begins.....

And so it begins....

Today is Sarah's first day of doing cross country in high school.  I think I am more nervous than she is!  You would think this wouldn't be hard at all since I've already had practice doing the first day of high school sports with my three oldest!

It's a little different sending your baby girl!

I know she is ready to spread her wings in a school that is a lot larger and offers more opportunities than middle school.

I'm just not sure I'm ready!

This is also a momentous day for Mike!  He will be heading to Assumption for orientation this afternoon.  He seems more excited than nervous...which is good.  In less than 2 weeks, we will be helping him move into apartment style living on campus a little over an hour way from home with 5 other young men he has not met.

I have to say that I am ready for this step!  I feel sad that my oldest is taking his first leap out of the nest, but the last few months have been filled with angst and a lot of ups and downs that we all need a break from.  He needs an atmosphere with other young adults and some time to grow up by being more independent..(and hopefully being away will help him realize just how much his family cares for him and does for him!).

Big changes this fall in our home and they all start today!

I was laying in bed last night waiting for sleep to come after a "cat nap" I took waiting for Andrew to come home left me looking at the clock at 12:15!  Somehow my thoughts drifted to the word 'vulnerable' and memories flashed in my mind of the very end of my pregnancy with Mike.  I was a newly married, 18 year old college student.  My water had broken on a Friday night but no contractions followed.  A day of pitocin on Saturday yielded no real change, so the doctors shut it off to let me try and get a good night's sleep so we could try again on Sunday morning.

I was exhausted from getting almost no sleep on Friday night because I had so much nervous energy.  I was emotionally exhausted from going through labor pains with no result all day.  I fell right to sleep but woke up an hour later because my iv tube had gotten detached and blood was seeping out all over the place.  The very nice nurse came in and fixed it then helped me change into a clean hospital gown.

It was a dimly lit hospital room in the middle of winter.  (It actually snowed a little that night.)   My body was weary, so heavy and round with a full term pregnancy.  Switching into a new hospital gown in the dimly lit room was such a vulnerable moment.  That image is etched in my mind.

The next day's induction worked and our  7lbs. 6oz son finally came into the world at 2:52pm.

It struck me that his step into college life has been as difficult as his separation from his first home in my womb.

As Mike forges a new path in a world where our influence becomes less and less and he is left to make choices on his own, it's hard as a parent to know when to let go and when to continue to help.  I don't think these young adults know themselves....they want independence but not necessarily all the responsibilities that go with it!

As luck would have it...(insert eye roll here)...just this morning Mike gave me a great example of this very topic.  He was getting ready for the drive for Assumption when I left with Ellie and Kate for Ellie's 30 minute orthodontist appointment about 5 minutes away. Ten minutes into the appointment, Mike calls because he can't find the paper with the courses he needed to sign up for.  Because he is a transfer student, and doesn't want to go longer than his final 2 years to graduate, his schedule has to be very specific.  Certain courses need to be taken in a certain order, and someone from the education department at Assumption had written it all out for him.  (Almost everyone I have talked to so far at Assumption is super helpful!)

Of course, he did wait until the last minute to try and find it.  His anxiety and frustration was escalating...which rubbed off on Peter, who I had left home with Andrew.  That resulted in an aggressive outburst from Peter that really upset Andrew.

Ugh...and I was only gone about 40 minutes!   Soooooo frustrating!

Somehow Mike missed the email I told him to search for in my inbox.  It took me about 30 seconds to locate it and then text him the info.

The effects of his behavior took more than 30 seconds to fix, though!

I know that change is never easy.  I also know that with all the changes happening here over the next 2 weeks, we are definitely in for some bumpy times.

As I said yesterday, I just need to focus on....

"Just keep swimming..."

Then there's that saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!".   Oy!

My Inspiration for the Day!

Here's my inspiration for the day....

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming....."

I keep telling myself I will get there.  I'm trying to shrink my life a little and only do the necessities right now since even that is taking a Herculean effort!

I just need to keep working on getting the kids ready for school that are going back first....Sarah starts cross country tomorrow then school on Tuesday and Ellie starts school on Monday.

Somehow it will all get done and we will start our new fall routine!  

I'm definitely not on my "A Game" right now...more like a "W Game"....but it will still get done!

I'm trying to stay positive and out of overwhelmed, meltdown mode!

I hope your back to school prep is almost done as well!

Shoes!

After last week's craziness...and surprise...the weekend was, thankfully, uneventful.   Jay was covering the weekend again:(....but he only worked on Saturday morning and had one person to see on Sunday.

Not so bad.

Jay took Monday off...which we soooooo needed.  Originally the plan had been to take the kids to the Mystic Aquarium but then someone, (Jon), "forgot" to tell us he had a meeting at school to help plan the freshman lock up retreat at 1.

So, instead, we did some back to school shoe shopping.

Our trek out was mostly successful.  Only Sarah still doesn't have what she needs...but she did find the style shoe she wanted.  They just didn't have the half size she needed so we can order it online:)

Kate loves shoes!  

While I was helping Luke try on sneakers, Ellie was keeping Kate entertained.  Ellie was showing her different shoes and Kate was loving a sparkly pair of Hello Kitty flats.  Ellie put them on her feet and she was as happy as could be.

I didn't have any intention of buying the Hello Kitty shoes.  I put a super cute pair of brown Mary Jane type shoes on Kate's feet and then a pair of black ballet flat type shoes with a great pattern that were on sale super cheap.

Kate tolerated it all just fine...but when I was finished, she kept clamoring for those Hello Kitty shoes!  She wanted to wear them out of the store!

Kate posing with her shoes(and a mouthful of gummies:)

Jay is in so much trouble if she likes shoes this much and she isn't even 2 yet!

Unexpected Blessings

This has been a really.hard.week.

Peter has definitely regressed in behavior and he has been testing me all.day.long every day this week!  He has pushed me to the very edge of my patience...and then shoved me right over into the chasm of discouragement...at times even bordering on despair.

I have lost my patience more times this week with Peter that I have in the last several months combined.  I don't know if it's just the different routine of summer or just a difficult stage he is going through (please, God, let it end quickly) but I am more than fried after this week than I have been in a really long time.  Life with Peter is hard again like it was when he was younger....and it isn't any fun.

I think I may be developing a tic...or an ulcer...or both.  It hasn't been pretty.:(

Jay also had to work this weekend which is such a killer because he had to work 2 weekends ago, too, because he had switched out of a June weekend due to a schedule conflict.

This morning as Jay was getting ready for work, I felt my anxiety reaching unhealthy levels and it was only 8am.  On the verge of crying, I warned him that he might have to take some extra time off this week from work because I honestly didn't think I could do it.  He sat down on the couch with me for a few minutes and we didn't say anything.  (Although I did cry all over his shirt.)

Sometimes life is just hard.....

Mid-morning I decided to try and do some errands with the kids and hopefully alleviate Peter's obsessions for at least a few minutes by getting him the cereal at our local health food store and 'going to Fairhaven', which are two things he asks me about countless times per day.

I hoped a change of scenery would lead to a better day...and that the errands would pass the time before Jay got home from work.  Everyone but Sarah, (who was working), and Mike came with me(with a bribe of pizza for lunch...).

As the older kids were wrestling the younger ones into their car seats, I checked the mail.  There was an envelope addressed to me that was clearly not a bill....but had no return address.

I opened it to find a beautiful, uplifting card and a touching type written note of encouragement.  Inside the card were $150 worth of gift cards to a local spa, Marshalls, Kohls, and Ninety-Nine with the instructions "to use the enclosed cards to take some time and do something just for YOU...because no one is more deserving of a day off and a little pampering than you are."

The card and letter were unsigned.

I stood in the middle of my driveway, completely touched and trying not to cry(again...but this time in a happy way!).  I am incredibly grateful for such a generous gift.  I was just so surprised!

Jon came up behind me and gave me a hug.  He saw the note and the cards and said, "Don't cry, Mom.  That was so nice.  You really deserve it.  Why don't you bring the Ninety Nine card with us?!?"

That made me laugh.  (Just in case you are wondering, I left ALL of the gift cards home!)

If my fairy God mother is reading this post.....

Thank-you from the bottom of my heart!  I am definitely a burned out mom in desperate need of some me time.  Today was not a perfect day, but it was filled with a lot more hope because of your kindness.

Hope was an even greater gift than the gift cards!  (Although I know I will thoroughly enjoy using those too!  And soon!  It always gives me hope when I have something to look forward to!)

Feeling God's love through another's actions is an incredible unexpected blessing that I received today!

“It is often in the darkest 
skies that we see the 
brightest stars.” 
― Richard Evans

"Fairhaven, Mom?"

Linking up with Lisa Jo for five minute Friday today because that's the kind of day it's going to be!

Today's word is..........

SMALL

You know when you have one of those weeks that really kicks your butt!  I've had one of those....

it's emotionally draining!

Peter is home for the next almost 4 weeks all day, every day.  For anyone that has a special needs child...you know what I'm talking about!  It's hard.....

And he obsesses about things over and over and over and over and over....well, you get the picture!  Taking him to Church yesterday for the Holy Day without Jay and with Luke and Kate and most of my older kids was.not.fun.

Jay told me after he went to Mass at night that the homily was on fighting against discouragement.

Ironic, isn't it!  I can't say I heard one word.

I did hear Peter ask for hash browns 600 times.(From Dunkin....he loves them)

He also wants to go for a ride to the town next to us.  We don't know why he likes driving there.  He just wants to go on the highway and get off at a particular exit and then drive home.  And he asks to do it 800 times a day!

And he wants more dinosaur balloons.  Particular balloons we get at IParty at the mall 25 minutes away.  And he asks for them 400 times a day.  Not one...but 2.  Always has to be 2.

I feel so small and inadequate.  And he tests my patience to the point of breaking when I ask him to do something...usually involving moving away from Luke because Peter plays this "game" where Peter goes right next to Luke to make him scream and hit Peter(yeah, fun!)......and he(with his 100 lb. 5 foot body) just lays there and looks at me without moving or saying anything!  ARGGHHH!  It's.so.frustrating!

Those old questions seep into my head...Why, God, can't he be "normal"?  I just want him to act "normal" and do "normal" things and be able to do family things in a "normal" way!

And there is silence...and I give up wrestling with reality...pull up my big girl pants... and start a new day praying for the grace to be a better and more patient mom to all of my children today.

.....as Peter walks up to me and says, "Fairhaven, Mom?"

Weary Summer Moms

Do you know that scene from The Santa Clause II where Tim Allen uses most of his Santa Claus magic to create an incredible office party for the principal that he has a crush on?

I know..a Christmas movie reference is very random in the middle of August!  Please bear with me!

I feel like I am using what little emotional energy (a.k.a....'mom magic') I have left to try and create the end of summer that some of the kids really want/making time to prepare for the school year that is coming up faster than a bat out of you-know-where(!)/and still do the laundry, cooking, and cleaning because....get this...my kids want to eat multiple times every.single.day!

As I was trying to find some hidden inner store of enthusiasm deep inside myself today...(no luck!)...the Santa Clause II scene popped in my head.

I have to, have to, have to schedule time to do school shopping.  I actually like school shopping.  New pencils, new crayons, new shoes....I like that part.  The part I don't like is standing at the check out line with the carriage full!

Once again, a summer that seems to stretch long, almost endless, and full of possibilities, is almost over!

I find myself trying to cram a few fun things into the days we have left.  It's really challenging to do things with different combinations of kids!  Every outing feels like I'm organizing a military campaign across two continents!

Ok..maybe that's an exaggeration...but it isn't easy.  Taking some kids out leaves others behind...babysitters need to be found...future plans made so the 'left out' kids have something to look forward to.  It's so exhausting to plan that I'm too pooped to do the actual outing!

And OMG I am quite burned out!  My 'summer mom self' is looking...well...like this:

With so many changes happening in the next few weeks, everyone needs extra attention.  It's so challenging when one of the teenagers is talking about a struggle with their schedules and Luke and Kate are both yelling for me.  While multitasking is usually one of my strengths, sometimes the older kids just need my undivided attention.

I don't do 'undivided' well!  Usually I just walk away from those moments with the big 'inadequate' sign flashing over my head because neither the older nor the younger kids really got what they needed from me...sigh:( 

To all those other weary moms trying to make some special summer memories, I feel your pain!  

Hopefully, after these last ditch efforts to fill our children's love tanks, we will get some time to fill our own emotional tanks come September!

Another Weekend Flies On By!

Another busy weekend has flown by in the 'wink of an eye'!  On Saturday, we had the senior youth group from our parish over for a cookout/cookie making afternoon.  Jay is the leader of the group and was working on making baby feet shaped sugar cookies to sell at the Masses over the weekend.  The money raised will go to our local Pro-Life office to be used for a special project.

The Pro-Life office is having a banner made and purchasing a cell phone.  The banner will be used outside the abortion clinic in our diocese on the 2 days per week it is open.  The banner will say..."Don't lose hope....", "How can we help?"....., "Text ###-###-####".

There are moms choosing abortion because of fear.  They are overwhelmed at being pregnant, don't know what they are going to do, ashamed to tell their families, in the middle of school and don't know how they will finish, etc., etc.  These moms need love and help....and that's what the program in our diocese is trying to do!

There will be trained people to communicate with the mom.  There will be a medical van with staffed with professional volunteers a couple of miles down the road from the clinic offering on the spot ultrasounds and health assessments.  There will be a volunteer from social services ready to sit down with mom to help her determine any state assistance she is eligible to receive.  There are also a couple of 'sponsor parishes' ready for the call to help with all the practical needs a woman might need....a men's group ready to help paint or strip wallpaper to help create a nursery, a woman's group ready to help purchase what a newborn needs, daycare providers willing to offer services at a discounted rate and other members of the parish willing to sponsor the difference until mom can get on her feet.  There will also be support throughout the pregnancy if mom chooses adoption.

I'm really proud of the enthusiasm of the kids for this project!  The love and service it provides reminds me of the Bible passage:

James 2:16

If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it?

On Sunday, Jay helped with cookie sales, Sarah had a quick meeting at the Church, and Andrew wanted to go and purchase a laptop for school.  We got a few hours just to hang out and play in the pool and sandbox with the little kids, too.  

Jay made a great dinner with scallops prepared two ways!  After clean-up, bath times and getting the little ones off to bed, we watched 'Here Comes the Boom' with Kevin James.  It was a funny, family friendly, uplifting movie!   It's so nice when we can all watch things together!

I hope your weekend was great and you are energized for the week ahead!  

I can't believe it's the middle of August!  I really have to get going with this school shopping!