How Many Kids Do You Have?

Being a parent of a large family has its comical moments.  One of them is seeing the look of shock on people's faces when they ask how many children we have.  Usually their next comment is "God Bless you"...which can have many different meanings.  "God Bless You" can mean, "Wow, you are crazy people!"  "God Bless You" can mean, "Thank God it's you and not me!"  "God Bless You" can mean "You need some serious help!"  And, sometimes, "God Bless You" is said just the way that it's meant.

Regardless of the tone of voice of the people saying it, I always reply, "Yes, He has."  (And that's exactly the way I mean it!

"How many kids do you have?" is actually a loaded question for me.  I have had 9 children.  I have only had the privilege of raising 8 of them.

To say that I have 8 children always makes my heart twist a little.  I feel like I am somehow belittling our daughter, Therese's, short life.  I feel like I am somehow denying her very real place in our family.  She will always be our fourth child.  She will always be our first daughter.

To tell people I have 9 children often opens Pandora's box because I often end up having to explain that we had a child that died.  Sometimes people get really uncomfortable.  Sometimes I feel like I'm opening a window to my heart that I don't really want to share with just anyone.

When Therese first died I always included her when people asked how many children we had.  It was my attempt to hold onto her presence and make her short time as a visible part of our family more real.  It was so painful for me to share that...it was like being stabbed with a small knife in the heart every time.  That was when our grief was still very much on the surface.  Emotionally, I was like a cracked vase that had been taped back together.  I'm sure that every time I explained what had happened my face portrayed my intense pain even though I had managed to mostly numb my emotions on the inside.(I remember meeting the mom of a childhood friend in the grocery store when Sarah was a few months old.  When she made a comment about Sarah, I told her about Therese.  She hadn't realized we had lost a baby the year.before, and she was visibly trying not to cry.  I remember feeling surprised at her emotion, and then surprised at how frozen my own emotions were.  I can still remember the compassion and sadness on her face...how Sarah looked in the grocery cart..where we were standing in the produce aisle...)

Eventually, it was just too painful and difficult to explain.  So I stopped.  It was like losing her all over again on a slightly less intense level.  It was one of the ways that our ties to her earthly existence were cut....the same way we felt when we put away her baby clothes...and the day we took apart the crib 3 months after she died.  It was always a letting go...just a little at a time because that's all we could handle.

When people ask me how many children I have, I may outwardly answer 8.....but, in my heart, I always answer 9.

A Precious Little Gift

I have a wiggly 4 month old in my lap.  She's been a little grumpy since yesterday.  Maybe some early teething?(She's gnawing on her hands) She's definitely extra clingy...but that's ok.  One of the good things about having multiple children is that you know from experience that the different phases won't last forever!(Although sometimes it feels like it will...such as the stage my never-sleeps-through-the night toddler is in!)

My little Kate is snuggled nursing in my arms.  Her two little hands started out all balled up covering her eyes.  Now they are grasping the front of my shirt.  One of her hands has a strand of my hair twisted in it.(Gotta love that post pregnancy hair shed!)

She's hungry again since she spit up part of her last feeding all over my arm.  I now have the lovely smell I refer to as Eau de spit up!

She's starting to relax and fall asleep.  Her hands are more relaxed and her sucking has almost stopped.  Her breathing has slowed.  Her pudgy little body fits so well into my arms.  She's so squishy and cuddly!

I don't think this will be a productive afternoon!  I think I am just going to snuggle with Kate in my arms, gaze at her pretty little face, and thank God for this precious little girl!

A Not So Manic Monday

I am happy to report that the "mommy madness" effect from the super moon over the weekend is no longer present!(Hopefully the next time I freak out there's a crazy moon to blame it on!)

Despite not wanting to drag myself out of bed...(though it was made easier by the toddler laying next to me saying, "Mommy, open you eyes!":)...it was actually a very nice Monday.  I washed some laundry.  I folded laundry.  I put away laundry.(Just so you don't think I turned into Super Mom, the laundry I folded and put away was laundry I washed Saturday and Sunday....so the laundry washed today is now in baskets waiting to be folded tomorrow.  It's a never ending cycle!)

I nursed a lot.  I played with Luke.  We even got to go for a walk.  It was just a nice day...made even better that I was in one of those moods where I just felt appreciative to be with my kids.  Snuggling in the rocking chair with Luke while I nursed Kate was definitely the highlight of my day.  I was really living in the moment without letting the outer chaos of an untidy room(well...really an untidy house!) ruin the precious snuggle time.

I wish I could take every day in stride like today!  I wanted to get outside and pull some weeds but it didn't work out because Kate didn't nap well and was a little grumpy and clingy today.  Oh well.  I didn't get the dishes in the dishwasher until 10 minutes ago.  Oh well.  The living room could still use a good tidying but it will still be there waiting for me in the morning .  Oh well.

Having peace inside makes it so much easier to deal with the lack of peace around me.  If only I could avoid the triggers that make me the crazed woman unable to get the items on her to-do list checked off!  Its times like this that makes me wonder why I can't keep enough control of my emotions to react to my kids with love...whether it's to meet a need they have, or help with a homework/project problem, or even deal with crappy behavior?

I will definitely be saying a thank-you to God tonight when I go to bed for the gift of today.  Actually, every day is a gift...it's just that today I had the grace to appreciate it!

Too Close to The Edge

Do you remember the alpine mountain climbing game on the Price Is Right?  It's the one where there's a climber dressed in suspenders that yodels as he climbs up the mountain for every dollar the person playing is off from the correct price of a random product.  If the climber doesn't plummet off the top of the mountain the person playing wins the prize.  Is this ringing a bell for you?

Anyway, I had "one of those days" yesterday.  I felt that I was that climber at the edge of the cliff all day!  I had no patience for anything or anyone!  Every time something happened, there I went, crashing over the edge.  It was not a good day for me.

I started out my day doing an exercise video..which is great.  It was a good start.  Then, I sat down at the computer to work on my blog profile.  To be more exact, I had to create my blog profile.  On Saturday night I was reading an article I found on the Sits Girls Blogger website about the top ten no no's for blogging.  One of the 10 was not having a profile.(I wrote them all down...I was guilty of several!)

I headed over to my blog and realized my profile was empty...no pic, no info,zip, zilch, nada...you get the idea. So, Saturday morning I sit down, pull up a picture,(check), and begin writing a very thorough background explanation of who I am.  I finished, pressed save, returned to the home screen, and...nothing!  It was gone!  All that time and work just disappeared to wherever it goes....the computer world black hole.

I was frustrated.(understatement)

So, I did the mature thing and went and cried in the shower...allowed myself a little pity party..then ate breakfast, threw in a load of laundry, took a deep breath and tried again.  Computer queen I am not!

It turns out that I overestimated the 1200 character limit and did not scroll down to where the warning was when I tried it the first time.  So, I started deleting...and deleting and deleting.  Finally, I got the idea to write it in Word to get the count.(I had to google how to do that since my older children were all out of the house...I really meant it about my lack of computer savvy!)  I ended up rewriting the bulk of it because 1200 characters is really short...I guess there are some things about me that aren't meant to be in a profile!  After cutting and pasting(I can do a little more than turn the computer on), my profile was created!  Hooray.

Peter and Luke were doing their rough play/screaming/ends up with someone getting hurt antics AGAIN while I was trying to figure out the f....rustrating computer.  My responses were less than patient.  If Peter wasn't annoying Luke, he was trying to sneak food from the kitchen.  (Jay was at Ellie's softball game so it was just me, Kate, Luke and Peter.)  It probably wasn't the best time for computer work but I really wanted to figure it out to calm my feelings of failure.  The trade off was that I was yelling at my children which was triggering my "bad mother syndrome".(sigh)

You would think that finishing my profile would have made me feel better and take me away from the emotional edge of the cliff.  Unfortunately, not so:(...I still felt grumpy.  Peter continued to aggravate Luke..so the screaming/wrestling/hurting cycle continued.  Then Luke pushed an entire watermelon off the counter on the floor...and, yes, it cracked and juice leaked all over the floor just when we had to leave to go get Andrew at school.

I haven't had one of those screaming Mommy days in a while.  Thankfully, the drive to get Andrew had a calming affect on me and the rest of the afternoon went more smoothly.  The day ended on a happy note when we had our friends and their kids over for a cookout.(And the cookout included wine and chocolate!)  While we were talking, it turned out that she had a tough day too.  We determined it must have been caused by the "Super Moon" that occurred last night.  Apparently the moon was the closest it will get to the earth this year.(So if you had a tough day yesterday feel free to blame it on that!)

Thankfully, today is a new day.  I am happy to say that I am no longer in screaming Mommy mode:)...the rest of my family is relieved too!

Super Dad To The Rescue

This morning Andrew is taking his SAT's.  Last night he printed out the form he needed to get into the test and read the list telling him what he needed to bring..I.D., two #2 pencils, calculator, snacks.  This morning he was up, showered and ready to go.  On the way out I asked him if he had everything.  The answer was,"Yes, Mom!"...with a slight eye roll and the tone that sounded like "Why are you asking me again..I've got this."

Well, I ask him(and all my other kids) multiple times because they have been known to forget things. And sure enough, right before they got to the school, Andrew looked at Jay and said, "I forgot my calculator."   UGH!

There was no time to go home and get it.  So, Jay dropped Andrew off at school and headed to Best Buy.  He called Best Buy as he was driving but got the recording saying they opened at 10(It was 7:45).  So Jay pulled over and tried to think of somewhere else.....Walmart!  He called them and they opened at 7.

So he headed up to Walmart.  He prayed before he got to each light along the way and got a green light every time!  He ran(literally) into the store, bought the calculator, and ran back to the car.

Jay drove back to the school.  He hit green lights every time again...Thank-you, God!  He got back to the school before the test started, found the room Andrew was in, and gave him the calculator.  Andrew was talking to his friend when Jay walked in.  Andrew thought Jay was going back home to grab his calculator so was surprised to see him.  Jay teased them that he made it home and back in only 10 minutes..and was signing up for Nascar next week!  They all had a good chuckle!

Stressful situation solved!  Super Dad to the rescue again!  Superman holds nothing to what dads(and moms) do on a daily basis to "save" our kids!

Grocery Shopping

Grocery shopping is quite an outing at our house.  Feeding a family of 10 is not all that easy....and it certainly isn't cheap!  I always make a list with the weeks' meals planned out.  I plan what meals we have based on the meat that's on sale each week.  Peter is on the GFCF diet so his food is more expensive.  We pay more in groceries each month than we pay on our mortgage!

Besides the price at the checkout, just the amount of food is a lot of work.  Every week, I look like we are having a big party...or like I'm shopping for the month.  On the weeks I'm shopping for a party I have to go to the store twice because we don't have a fridge that can hold enough for a party and our regular weekly groceries!  Hopefully that will be changing in the next few months.  We are renovating our kitchen in stages and will be purchasing a much larger fridge!(I can't wait!)

Usually the only people that have a bigger amount of groceries than I do are the people shopping to stock a fishing boat for a group of men that will be out at sea for over a week!

I haven't gotten into a new grocery shopping schedule since Kate's arrival.  I used to go every Friday morning with Luke....and every Friday afternoon before I had Luke.  With a nursing infant and an active toddler, I haven't been brave enough..or foolish enough...to go shopping on my own.  Plus, with the both of them there wouldn't be room in the cart for the groceries!  Mostly, I have been going with Jay on Friday nights with a few of the kids.(pseudo date night!)  Sometimes I go on Saturday morning with one of my teens but I try to avoid that because its so busy and Saturdays are our day to get projects done around the house......(Well, Saturday is the day that Jay tries to get projects done around the house and I try to keep the kids from getting into his tools!)

Today, Jay's mom watched Luke so I could try grocery shopping with just Kate.  Kate did really well...I think she likes all the attention from all the grandmas in the store who stopped to talk to her.

It's the first time I have gone with just Kate in a while.  The challenge is getting all of the groceries to fit in one cart.  By the time I got to the check out I had all of the bread/buns for the week in my hand because there was no room left.  Good thing I was getting ice cream from a different grocery store this week!  By the time I paid for the groceries(sigh) and had the cart piled high and the underneath full, I felt like I needed a "Caution Wide Load" sign!  As I walked through the automatic doors you could hear all the outer bags sliding against the metal.

I only lost one bag before I got to the car.  A woman talking on her cell phone in her car saw the bag fall off and honked gently and gestured with her free hand to the ground behind me.  I waved a thank-you and picked up the bananas.

I stuffed all the groceries in the van.(I always forget to take the double stroller out of the back so I end up having to put all the groceries in the back seats around the kids!)  By that time, Kate was no longer happy and needed a diaper change and she needed to nurse.  So we took a nursing break.  Then I headed to Staples to get a couple of things for Sarah's history project.  I decided to punt and not go to the 2nd grocery store for the few things that were on sale there.  I could hit that store when I pick up Andrew after sports tonight or after SAT's tomorrow.  Then I went to get Luke at my in-laws.  Then we went home and I lugged all the groceries in the house.  Then I put away all the freezer/fridge items.(I'm leaving the rest for the girls to put away.)  Then I made myself lunch(at 1:45).

I'm exhausted!  I definitely think that our family has moved beyond the mom only grocery shopping trips....not unless I have back up at home to help carry them in and put them away!

Lessons I'm Learning from my "do it myself" Toddler

I've had an interesting morning with Luke.  He's had a lot of "I do by myself" incidents today!  It started at breakfast when he was helping himself to cereal.  He was choosing the kind of cereal he wanted.  He grabbed the box and Jay and I heard a spilling sound and then Luke saying, "Uh Oh".  Jay went to investigate as Luke walked over to me holding an empty cereal bag.  Sure enough, 3/4 of  a box of cereal was all over the floor.  Jay salvaged enough for Luke's breakfast and swept up the rest.

Later on in the morning, Luke found a screwdriver and attempted to "fix" a window that wasn't broken but now has a chipped piece of wood.  Then he was attempting to "help" me make my bed and spilled water all over the end table, wall, and floor.

Thankfully, I have been able to keep calm despite Luke's antics.

These small situations did make me think about the times I've tried to do things "by myself" without bringing things to prayer first. (Or, even worse, the times I did bring things to prayer and, despite feeling I should do "X" , I chose to do "W" anyway.)  There have been lots of times when I have used a screwdriver(my words or actions) in a place that didn't need fixing and caused damage to myself or others.

I've made plenty of messes trying to make something better but managing to screw something else up.  Sometimes I get too focused on one thing and other things that are important are pushed to the side.

And sometimes, I've tried to get something myself that I wasn't ready to reach, or I shouldn't have had in the first place, and everything in life just spilled all over the floor and made a mess that was way too big for me to clean up on our own.  Thankfully, even in the worst moments, I have a loving Father who salvaged the good out of the these situations and swept up the rest of the mess.

God can use anything for a teachable moment!


Oops...there's my cue...water spilling from Luke's high chair!  The messes just never end...at least I'm behind in doing the laundry so there are dirty towels to clean it up with!  See, you can put a positive spin on anything!  It's all about how you look at it.......