Friday, May 26, 2017

On Pancakes, Proms, and Princesses

There are so many phases of parenting that seem like they will never end! All those sleepless nights definitely spring to mind! Then, at some point, I blinked and little ones that needed my every minute of every day were all of a sudden much more independent. And it felt nice. I felt like I could breathe a little.

But then you blink again...

The independence grows. Their life revolves around school and friends. While it still feels nice to be able to focus on projects and areas that just a few years before would have been impossible, you also start to see the writing on the wall. Their independence will continue to increase and their worlds will continue to grow...and our rolls in their lives will change. And decrease.

It's such a crazy emotional time, I am proud of my young adults and excited for where they are headed in life....but I'm also a little sad because they are growing up and away from us. I have given my whole life to caring for and raising these children that God has blessed me with...and yet, I am working myself out of a job.

This growing up stuff is so.not.easy.

Yesterday and today, the "On This Day" on my Facebook page have had pictures from Andrew and Jon's high school proms from four years ago and three years ago respectively. Seeing them brought some tears to my eyes. It seemed like just yesterday that they were in high school and now they will be finishing up college next year!

Jon and his friend Amy making goofy poses: 2014

Andrew and his high school friends: 2013

Now it's Sarah's turn! Our first daughter will be attending her senior prom and it just seems impossible that we are at this spot again with yet another child! "How did this even happen?" is the question that I've been wrestling with the last couple of weeks. With Sarah graduating from high school, Ellie graduating from middle school, and Kate graduating from pre-school, it's a season of change for all of my girls.

...for their mama, too!

I've felt my anxiety levels ratcheting up all week. It has reached the level where I feel like everything around me is just beyond my control...all those balls juggling in the air feel like they are getting away from me.

I see all my older children around me turning into adults and I feel so very inadequate. All those failures I've felt as a mom, both real and perceived, haunt my memories and fuel my fears for their future. I hate feeling so "less than"; less than the wife I want to be, less than the mom I want to be...and now time has run out/will run out in giving my kids the best emotional, spiritual, and mentally healthy foundation that I can.

The question screams through all my inadequacies, "Can I ever be enough?"

I honestly didn't even have words to describe all that I was feeling. All I felt was a whirlwind of overwhelming emotion. As I drove to pick up Kate at preschool, I was listening to KLOVE and the song "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns came on. You know when a song just speaks to your heart? Well, that happened to me this morning.
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

I just may have started balling just a little. Thankfully, I had a few minutes to compose myself before Kate's teacher brought her out. It's amazing how sadness and grief can disguise itself...and how hard I can work to "be strong" and not give myself the time to work through hard emotions. 

As Kate and I raced to the car through the rain, she looked at me and asked if we could go to a restaurant and have "breakfast for lunch." There were lots of reasons why we shouldn't's prom day, I was emotional, I still had cleaning to do, etc.

But then I thought about all of the reasons I should go. Because I'm going to blink, and it's going to be Kate getting ready for prom! So, off we went, just the two of us. I listened to her constant chatter and soaked in her cute little face and sweet little voice. I didn't rush our time together...I was present for every precious moment!
Who wouldn't want to have lunch with this sweet face?!?

Back at home, Sarah asked me to help her put on her pearl necklace....a beautiful 16th birthday present from some very special family friends. In my head, I blinked and had the future thought that, before I know it, I will be clasping those pearls around Sarah's neck for her wedding day.

Please pass the tissues....