Happy 17th Birthday, Ellie!

Yesterday was Ellie's 17th birthday! I'm not quite sure how 17 years have gone by, but the calendar doesn't lie! I try to forget about the fact that she's a junior this year and ignore all the college brochures that have been coming in the mail for months. She isn't quite sure what she wants to study in college. It seems like every couple of weeks the focus shifts and she gets excited about a new field, but that's all part of the fun of the exploration process. :)

How I like to think of Ellie...our very own Cindy Lou Who<3

Ellie has definitely been the person in our family that has adjusted best to life under the quarantine. Her high school did not miss a beat and had only one day off before starting online classes and learning. Ellie is an introvert and is enjoying spending time at home and having her "classroom" in my bedroom. She's been spending some virtual time with friends. Of course, it helps that she has lots of built in close friends with an older sister, a sister-in-law and almost sister-in-law that she adores.

Having fun with blue lipstick at Liz's bachelorette shower:)
Ellie even loves hanging out with her sister-in-laws sisters!

Kate and Luke surprised Ellie with homemade gifts as soon as she woke up. Some of Ellie's Godfamily stopped by to drop off a gift of her favorite candy in the morning.  It was a sweet way to start her day.

It was nice to be able to have a little family celebration to make Ellie feel special. Ellie requested game day food for her birthday meal, specifically meatball sliders, coconut chicken bites, homemade mac and cheese, and tater tots. Thankfully I had most of the ingredients I needed, and got most of what I had missing at the grocery store. The store I went to was completely out of tater tots, but  I had forgotten a family size package that Jay had bought and put in our extra freezer in the cellar a couple of weeks ago! God provided even before we knew we needed it!

We had a family dinner with my parents. We missed having all of our extended family, but such is life in quarantine!

Ellie chose a poke cake. This recipe is one of her favorites, and Ellie is partial to Independence Day so she loves the red and blue jello. Ellie loves to bake...she might get that from her mom;)...and wanted to make her own cake. It came out great! It was also good practice because Ellie recently got a job at a special order bakery! She was supposed to start in March, but because of all the craziness in the world, that's been pushed off to mid April. My guess is that her start day won't end up being until sometime in May. #coronavirus

The joys of siblings

Jon reminded Ellie that this was revenge since she blew out his candles in February lol

One of my favorite pics! Kate's 3rd birthday and Ellie blew out her candles lol!
Kate was SO mad that, when she was turning 4, she told Ellie she couldn't come to her party!

I have to admit I haven't been on my game lately and my ability to multitask has been MIA. In my focus to try and make sure the kids would have special Easter baskets, Ellie's birthday snuck up on me. And since Amazon Prime isn't working the way it usually does, we had to tell her about her gifts last night instead of showing her!

Just Dance has been a frequent form of entertainment and exercise for all of the girls so I got Just Dance 2016 and Just Dance 2018. I actually got those from Walmart and paid extra to have the 2018 disc arrive by her birthday so she would have at least one gift to open aaaaannnndddd....it didn't! I was a little frustrated...and will be sending an email momentarily to have them refund me for the expedited shipping! (Sarah and the younger kids were especially disappointed because they had looked over the songs on the disc and found Beep, Beep I'm a Sheep completely hilarious! They had really been looking forward to trying it out!)

I also ordered her two new games I thought she would like. One is Spy Alley and the other is the Goat Lords Game. In the Spy Game, each player has to pick a spy from different countries and I can already hear Ellie's goofy siblings pretending to talk in accents as they play. Hopefully, they will provide some fun entertainment for Ellie once they come in next week!

We all played Jackbox Games to end the night. Andrew found out about Jackbox a couple of years ago. You download the game packs...there a several to choose from!..onto your computer and then hook it up to your tv with an hdmi cord. Everyone needs an electronic device to join in...phone, ipad, tablet, computer. Most of the games are really fun and the older kids have gotten a lot of fun out of it...especially during the quarantine. Even Kate and Luke like to play some of the games. I do recommend always using the family filter so that no awkward questions come up!

It was a fun night and I think Ellie enjoyed the special attention!

sister love

The Ups And Downs of Pandemic Life

The ups and downs continue as I try and adjust to pandemic life. After the struggles I had two weekends ago, I wanted this past weekend to be better. I was honest with my burnout level as we slid into our weekend. I tried to find things to focus on to keep from being bored. A friend of mine shared a link for a free online Catholic women and men's conference over the weekend, so I signed up and listened to several different talks. I tried to choose talks that would be encouraging and life giving in this crazy time we are living. A couple of the talks had similar themes with a focus on keeping your thoughts positive and trying to find ways to praise God, even in the hard  moments. Those talks were definitely very relevant, and I gravitated to them because I was trying so hard to stay positive and keep my emotions more even keeled.

I found that as Sunday afternoon rolled around, my anxiety levels began to creep up. It was really hard work to try and stay focused and positive. On Monday morning, after another night where Luke woke up with nightmares...and I was plagued with some of my own, I felt in no way ready to take on another week of homeschooling. It took a while to drag myself out of bed. I still exercised on our recumbent bike while listening to an uplifting podcast to try and get some endorphins going. Yet, as I stalled in the shower trying to avoid starting my day, I found myself struggling to praise God for all that I have to be grateful for. I went through the list but it was hard and I still felt empty. I was asking God for help to get through the kids' school day with patience and love....and for help to stop these overwhelming feelings of discouragement and hopelessness.

The morning slogged by but we got through everyone's work and a Zoom conference uneventfully. We made lunch and I washed all the dishes that had piled up since breakfast. It was nice outside, which was a reprieve from the rainy, cold weather from last week! I sent Kate and Luke outside to play for a while and tried to do some quiet reading. When they came inside, they wanted to watch a movie, which was fine with me because my goal was to have a calm day..#survival,#strugglingmom, so we put on Onward. (SO grateful for Disney+!)

Can I just say...it was such a good movie! It was very entertaining and there were so many great themes and emotionally touching moments. It made me cry towards the end, but it was a cathartic cry.

Right at the emotional part of the movie, Jay surprised me by coming home early from work. It was such a nice surprise...and probably added to my tears. I so needed that. When I'm struggling emotionally it's so hard to pull myself out of all the negativity. I had been feeling like a battery that wasn't recharging all the way each night and, when in use, was losing power way faster then normal. All the normal functioning stuff was feeling so hard.

Sometimes we just need to be reminded that we aren't in this alone.

Being able to get through the school day on Monday gave me a little more peace, but when Jay came home early it lifted the emotional burden that I was carrying and helped me to have a better perspective. It allowed hope to flow in. It was such a relief to my weary soul. The sunshine outside looked brighter, even though it wasn't. It was just that my ability to see it and let it in completely had changed. 

Whenever I come out of a place of emotional struggle, it makes me think of the Return of the King scene after the ring is thrown back into the fire of Mt. Doom and Frodo and Sam escape onto a rock as the lava flows around them. Frodo had been in such a dark place emotionally, but finally, his burden had lifted. His circumstances still weren't perfect, but he could finally he remember all the good he had felt in his life and feel hope for the future.

Life is challenging and unfamiliar right now. If you're struggling, definitely start with prayer. Just remember, sometimes we need to reach out and asking our spouse, or a family member, or a good friend for help. It can make everything so much easier to carry.

Just Another "Normal" Abnormal Week

Joining in with Kelly for 7 Quick Take Friday....which  I will apologize before hand because I never seem to be able to keep my takes all that quick!

1. The End Of Our Third " New Normal" Abnormal School Week 

 All I can say is that I have survived....barely. Fun fact: I homeschooled for real for when my oldest three sons were younger. It was a good experience for the most part but I stopped after 2 years, with no future desires to start again. After the last three weeks I can honestly say I still have no future desires to home school and I can.not.wait until I don't have to try to wear the hats of mom and teacher! Some of my kids are more difficult than others...*cough, cough, Luke*..but trying to keep all the Zoom meetings and daily work tasks organized is starting to overwhelm me. I'm finding I'm ok through Wednesday, starting to falter on Thursday, and by Friday I'm facing major burnout. I'm trying to psych myself up to get through April...next week will be a shorter week with Good Friday, which I'm very grateful for! Then, we will have another "normal abnormal" week of school and then April vacation. I can't wait for the break!

2. #Please Send Sun

This has been such a tough week weather wise...lots of cold and rain. Today is gusty, rainy and raw and it's just so depressing. With all the other struggles of life right now, this is SO not helping. Thankfully Sunday and Monday look better, but then more dreary weather in the forecast. Please, Lord, just send the sun! 

3. Jesus Sleeping in the Boat

Our pastor has been posting Mass each day on our Parish's website. Today he did a special Mass geared to the school kids, so they were asked to watch as part of their school day. Fr. Williams read the Gospel where Jesus calms the storm. (Mark 5:35-41) 

"And a great storm of wind arose, and the waves beat into the boat,

so that the boat was already filling. but he was in the stern, asleep on a cushion;

and they woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care if we perish?

And he awoke and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Peace!Be Still!"

And the wind ceased, and there was great calm. 

He said to them, "Why are you afraid? Have you no faith?"Mark:37-40

St. Therese has a really good reflection on that Gospel in Story of A Soul. This is my own take of what she wrote and is something I think about pretty often. St. Therese, in a place of spiritual aridity, is talking about how Jesus is asleep in her "stormy boat". Just like in the Gospel story, Jesus has found rest in an unlikely place. But St. Therese has an amazing level of faith and desires to let Jesus rest, content that He is with her in the storm. She will just trust and wait for Him to awaken and calm the storm she is experiencing.

Sometimes, when I'm in the midst of my own personal storm, I can imagine Jesus sleeping in my "wind tossed" boat. I remember what St. Therese wrote and I have the patience and faith to just sit near Jesus and wait for Him to wake up. 

Right now...three weeks into our Covid-19 shutdown with all the scary stories coming out of hospitals and no end in sight...I can only imagine myself jumping up and down in that boat yelling, "Please, wake up! I want the storm to end!"

Let's just say no one will be mistaking me for St. Therese!

4. Songs For the Journey

When I'm in a more stressed/melancholy mood, I often feel like certain songs can help me pray and express the distress in my heart more completely. I made a list of a few of my favorites:

Breathe by Jonny Diaz

Maybe It's Ok by We are Messengers

Just Be Held by Casting Crowns

I Know by Big Daddy Weave

5. St. Faustina

Yesterday afternoon, as I fell into the "faltering" part of our home schooling week, Sarah reminded me about a quote from St. Faustina:

When I see that the burden is beyond my strength, I do not consider or analyze it or probe into it, but I run like a child to the Heart of Jesus and say only one word to Him: “You can do all things.” And then I keep silent, because I know that Jesus Himself will intervene in the matter, and as for me, instead of tormenting myself, I use that time to love Him.” (No. 1033)

I

Can I just say that it's much easier to fall in to a pity party...

But, in all seriousness, I tried it. I did find that if I didn't just get trapped in my worries and fears and brought them to Jesus saying, as St. Faustina taught us, "You can do all things.", then I had much more peace! 

Of course, I promptly forgot about this less than 24 hours later when I reached "burnout Friday"!
Good thing God gives us lots of opportunities to begin again throughout the day!

6. A Surprise Blessing

My parents have been wanting to enlarge their driveway for a while and hired someone at the beginning of the week that could start the next day. My parents surprised us with repaving and enlarging our driveway as well! We had added a large garage onto our house just before I gave birth to Kate...which was over 8 years ago!..but never had our driveway extended. There were always other projects that tapped our limited budget.

I always forget to take the before pictures!! But here are the after....
 

Our new driveway looks great and makes the front of the house look so much neater and put together! Every day when Jay comes home he says, "I can't believe we have a driveway!"

7.  Have a Great Weekend

An “Other” Kind of Day

Some days are easier than others. Saturday was definitely an “other” kind of day.

I read somewhere on the internet in the past week about someone comparing life to the Bill Murray movie, Groundhog Day. I have to agree with that sentiment. Most mornings I wake up in Luke’s bed (because he’s had lots of nightmares/trouble sleeping lately), and I lay there thinking what a strange dream I had about life coming to a standstill and being quarantined by a strange virus. After a couple groggy minutes I remember, “Oh, wait...this is my life right now.”

I find myself wrestling with questions like, “How can this even happen?” and “Why is this happening?” and “How long is this going to be our new normal?”

Most days in the the last couple of weeks I’ve tried to be positive and upbeat and create an organized atmosphere that gives the kids structure. I’ve tried to focus on the good parts of the situation. I’ve tried to use the extra time at home as an opportunity to get some organizing done and start on the very long “to do list” I made weeks ago of all the things I felt needed to get done before we host Jon and Marisa’s rehearsal dinner at the end of May.

 But there are moments that chip away at my hope and leave me in tears lamenting like the psalmist, “How long, O Lord”? In those harder moments I find myself not really caring about my to do list and just wanting to curl up on the couch and wait for all of this to finally be over. Sometimes functioning and daily tasks seem like more than I can handle.

Some mornings it just takes a lot of strength to get out of bed and face another day that looks exactly like the day before.

I get frustrated with myself for having these feelings. I try to just focus on all the things I have to be grateful for: the health of my family, the gift of their presence, that Jay is still working and getting a normal paycheck, food in the freezer, and toilet paper in the bathroom closet. Some moments it’s harder than others to quiet those dark thoughts and feelings and just focus on doing the next best thing in front of me.

Kate has started to have an anxiety meltdown at least once a day. It tends to be at night, although one tough day she cried multiple times. She kept saying through tears, “I’m just having an emotional day.” She misses her cousin and her friends. She’s afraid of someone getting sick. She’s overwhelmed because she doesn’t know when this will end. Jay and I hug her and snuggle with her and try to reassure everything will be ok. It’s hard to watch and harder to know we can’t just make it all better.

I already mentioned Luke’s daily nightmares and trouble sleeping...which means I’m not sleeping through the night either. #storyofmyadultlife

Peter is struggling a lot with his lack of a schedule and routine. Like many special needs kids, Peter is very dependent on his predictable routines and schedules, and there is nothing predictable about life right now! With help from his teacher, I’ve started more of a school type routine. It seems to be helping a little and he isn’t saying, “Peter feels frustrated” dozens of times a day anymore. But he still has me on edge.

The older kids have their moments too. Mike is struggling with his life being on hold. Jon isworried about whether life will be normal enough for his wedding to happen at the end of May. Sarah is discouraged because the young man she is dating is a marine who is stationed in Japan. He was scheduled to come home on leave at the end of April. Travel restrictions have changed all that and now he’s hoping for sometime in the summer.

So many things in life have been upended!

I knew this week would be more challenging. The first week or two of a situation is always easier to manage. The newness of so much change and the energy it takes to learn new routines is a lot to focus on and helps to keep a lot of the fears and the doubts in check. The newness is wearing off and the reality that we don't have any control and that this is how life will look like for an unknown amount of time is now sinking in. I’m supposed to be the strong one...but I’m finding moments where I.just.can’t.

Sometimes I’m just not ok...

I think we are going to have bad moments...or even bad days. The loss of regular life and all the added stress that brings leads us into a grieving process. Sometimes we are going to need a good cry..or several..during a day. Life can be overwhelming and scary right now.

If you're having one of those "other" types of days, just know that you aren't alone. We aren't always going to feel confident and competent as we navigate our new roles from home. We aren't always going to have productive days.

It's ok to admit that you aren't ok.

On those tough days, reach out to a close friend or two and share how you're feeling. Lean in on God and journal, or just tell Him, all the hard emotions that are on your heart. If it's a day with decent weather take a short walk with a friend...using appropriate social distancing of course. Or walk and listen to some upbeat music or an uplifting podcast. Try to distract yourself with any small task you feel up to handling. Maybe try taking a nap.

Sometimes, if we're really emotional, we just have to make it through the day and go to bed.  Then, we can try again the next day with a fresh start.

These days certainly aren't easy or comfortable, but we will get through them. It's not always going to be pretty. I'm never going to do it perfectly....but we will all get through it. Some days we will be  lifting up our friends and family, and other days we need to allowour friends and family to lift us up.

I have an analogy I've used many times over the last several years. We are all like rock climbers. And, just like rock climbers, we are all harnessed together so that when one person slips or loses their grip they only fall so far before their connection to the other climbers stops their fall. We are all supporting each other and we will all reach the top of this Covid-19 mountain together!
One (Grounddog) day at a time.

photo credit: Eastern Mountain Sports School

The Surreal Life We Are Living

What crazy times we are living in! I feel like I’m living in a Lifetime movie.....but I am definitely a Hallmark kind of girl.(you know, a nice story line that has about 10 minutes of conflict that is always followed by a happy ending!)

Real life has definitely gone over that 10 minute mark of difficulty! In my area of suburbia, we are on day 13 of school shut downs and day 4 of “non essential worker” shut downs. And after yesterday’s announcement from our Governor, schools will be out until at least May 4th.

Life feels very surreal.

How does life in our house look right now? Well, let’s just say it has me longing for our “normal chaos” while I try to figure out our ever changing “new normal”.

Jay does home care physical therapy and is still working. With all elective surgeries being canceled, his company’s caseload is dropping but so far no cuts have been made. He’s grateful to still be working for now, but worries about getting exposed to the virus and bringing it home to us. Jay has also had to take over giving my 97 year old grandfather his pills for me twice a day. The assisted living where he lives will only allow medical workers in right now. So I’m grateful we still have contact with him, but it’s an added responsibility for Jay, who is already carrying a lot. Jay loves my grandfather and has been so generous with the way he has served and loved Pepere the last couple of weeks.

As of this past Monday, my parents’ salon where I work part time has been shut down. I am now back in the role I had for 24 years as a SAHM. I’ve also taken on the role of homeschooling with lots of teacher support. (More on this below)

Mike has been going to barber school since September and was supposed to graduate in early June. His barber school is closed now and graduation pushed back. He also worked part time for my parents’ salon, so he is trying to keep busy doing odd jobs for my parents until life gets back to normal.

Andrew’s job has them all working from home. His wife, Liz, is a reading specialist and will be off until May. She’s responsible for checking in with a certain number of students each week and helping kids with work where needed. She’s also been doing some special reading videos to connect with her students and help the learning to continue at home.

Jon is home from his grad school ocean engineering program, taking his class online, and working on his thesis. He’s supposed to finish this summer, and hopefully some of the unknowns won’t delay that. His fiancé, Marisa, is a guidance counselor at a local high school so she is off right now and participating in meetings as the school, like many others, tries to figure out how to best help and educate their students during this pandemic. Jon and Marisa are getting married on May 24th, so you can imagine the stress they are carrying. The April shower we have scheduled will be getting pushed to May, and we are hoping that by the wedding life will be back to normal...or at least normal enough! There is a June back up date that we hope will never have to be used! It’s so hard....when they got engaged almost two years ago and picked a wedding date no one would have guessed something like this would have happened! The one positive note is that Marisa is getting lots of the pre wedding details accomplished now since she’s got so much extra time on her hands!

Sarah is also doing grad school from home. She’s in a speech therapy program and is missing out on many hours of clinical time with the schools closed. She will have to do extra days next semester to make them up. Sarah has been very helpful with the homeschooling efforts, especially during the first week while I was still working.

Poor Peter is having a hard time. Despite social stories and explanations, he is missing his teachers, friends, and routines. He is feeling very stressed out on some days. His teacher, Miss Lori, has been super helpful with suggestions and coming up with a schedule that will mimic his school day to some degree. She even dropped off a couple of items on our doorstep from his classroom for him to use. We are taking it one day at a time with Peter. The one bright side is he is enjoying a couple of extra sleepovers at Pa’s house!

Ellie’s high school has not missed a beat. They had one day off, and since then, have participated in a normal schedule of online live classes from 8 to 1 each day. Ellie is enjoying the homeschool atmosphere...especially wearing comfy clothes to class each day. I think if it was up to her, this would be her preferred method of learning!

Luke and Kate’s school has been up and running after only a day off as well. For their grade levels, the teacher sends out assignments each day and I take pictures and email back their work. Luke’s teacher has been sending videos of herself teaching and, this week, they had two live teaching classes using Zoom. (Kate’s teacher is going to try one tomorrow and she is very excited!) Luke loved it....especially seeing and talking to his friends. He sounded so happy during both live sessions...it warmed my heart. The other day we were snuggling together before the day started and he said, “I really like being home and being with my family, but I hope the virus goes away soon. I miss my friends.”

#me too

I’ve tried to be upbeat and focused on the positive, but some days are easier than others. Fear and anxiety have not been my friends. Not knowing when everything is going to end is hard. I felt very discouraged when they announced the pushed back school closure date. I just wish they had waited until it got closer to make the call. A lot could change in 6 weeks...and maybe it could even be positive change!

A couple moments have brought me to tears. Seeing the grocery store shelves pretty bare the first time really triggered some fear in me. It was hard to fight down the negative thoughts of not being able to take care of my family. Reminding myself that God will provide is something I recite multiple times a day! A couple of days in the last two weeks Jay has randomly stopped by the grocery store on his way home and been able to get a rationed package of hamburger or the more difficult to find package of chicken! One day he even got a party size package of hot dogs. It reminded me of Pa from Little House on the Prairie coming home with a much needed deer or turkey to take care of his family. Thankfully, my mighty “hunter” brought his spoils home without feathers in a brown paper bag!
#grateful

Trying to wear so many hats right now is challenging. Despite reading directions multiple times, I still somehow manage to forget to send some part of Kate or Luke’s work each day.  Peter’ struggles have discouraged me, too. I’m hopeful that a more structured day will help....but in reality that means more work and follow through for me when I’m already feeling inadequate. Fighting the urge to just hibernate until this is all over takes a lot of my emotional energy right now.....especially when we are faced with another entire month of home learning.

I know lots of people are going through the stages of grief over special plans that are cancelled or in danger of being cancelled. Six months ago, I had planned a special early graduation gift for Jon and Peter...a mother/son(s) 4 night Disney trip. It’s the first time I’ve ever planned a trip like this....for many, many years I was a pregnant/nursing mom with a difficult special needs child who stayed at home while Jay did all the school and youth group trips and retreats. This trip was a last hurrah for me and Jon before he got married and he still belonged in a very small way to me. We were supposed to leave on March 14th....the day after MA schools announced they were closing for three weeks and the day after Disney announced they were closing their parks that same weekend.

And while a cancelled trip is certainly not such a big deal compared to families that have lost loved ones to this virus or are facing huge financial burdens and uncertainty, it’s still a loss for me. My disappointment is a big reminder of how little control I really have in my life, and that’s more than a little uncomfortable.

It’s amazing how our weekly routines give us comfort. I miss that rhythm of life. I miss my daily visits to adoration after work...those few minutes of quiet and prayer between my roles of worker and mom. I miss my adoration hour on Saturday mornings and morning Mass a couple of days each week. I miss my Sunday morning routine...I miss attending Mass, sitting in our usual pew surrounded by our friends. I miss chatting with them after Mass. I’m grateful for our Pastor for posting Mass to he website each day, but, as Luke said in the middle of our first TV Sunday Mass, “This just isn’t the same.”

I keep thinking about how amazing that first Mass will be when all the bans are lifted...how grateful I will feel to drop my kids off at school, spend time with my grandfather, and have a regular work day. We have all received many involuntary penance this Lent! Even if our “Easter” from our current situation doesn’t happen on April 12th, I’m praying that it will be here soon. Until that day arrives, I will be praying that God’s Grace will send me patience and fortitude to make it through and not waste the graces that even the most trying of these unusual days will bring.

I'm praying for patience and fortitude for you too!

Love and Legacy

It's been so long since I've connected with my small space in the blogosphere. Time just passed so quickly and was so full of living that I was trying to process through my head and heart. I've felt a little stuck...kind of like a vertebrae that is misaligned and can't move correctly.

The Fall passed by so quickly. The whirlwind of  Andrew's beautiful wedding and reception in August quickly lead into moving Sarah into her first apartment to start grad school. Then school started for my younger crew and I struggled to calm my heart in the midst of all the "new normals" that had been introduced into my life in such a short time.

As the holidays, and new memories pressed upon me, that feeling of stuck continued. I missed out blogging about the fun, and sometimes stressful, details of the Advent and Christmas. It took all of my energy just to juggle the everyday with all the special details that time of year brings. I thought often of how I missed my blog, but the timing just wasn't right.

Two days after Christmas, our entire family joined my parents on their most generous gift of a Disney Vacation. I had done the planning over many months...planned out our schedules, restaurants, and fast passes. Tried to work out rest time, and older sibling time and couple time. Worried about everyone staying healthy in the time leading up to and during the trip. (I have a little PTSD over a former Disney trip where several members of our party was taken out one by one by a horrible stomach bug over the course of the vacation!)

The trip had lots of fun moments. There were a few moments that weren't as magical as others....travelling with 14 people to Disney at their busiest time of year definitely has its challenges!
Thankfully we stayed healthy until the day we returned home. Ellie ended up starting with strep throat, followed by Kate a few days later, and Peter a couple of days after that! We had a week and a half of "normal" followed by round 2 of strep for Kate(!), Mike and Andrew's birthdays last weekend, and Ellie coming down with the flu and being out of school for this entire week! And with school vacation next week, I'm staring at another week where there will be no "normal".

So, what made me feel unstuck? Simply, love.

And not just because it's Valentine's Day. I'm not talking about the starry eyed love of Hallmark romances.(although I love watching them!) I'm not talking about flowers, chocolates, romantic dinners or special desserts. (although all those are great too!)

I'm talking about the deep love that matters the most. The hug when you've had a bad day, walking a fussy newborn so you can (finally) take a shower, taking turns caring for a sick child through the night, driving to countless practices and games, spending time with a challenging teenager, heading to the store to grab that one thing you forgot so you don't have to, working so hard to provide for your family and praying just as hard for them as well.

Deep love is family and relationships. Deep love is highlighted at the more extreme moments in life, like births, weddings, and when someone is preparing to go home to God.

Jay's Grandpa, Ray, will be making that journey home at any time. Grandpa has lived 99 years but won't quite reach his 100th birthday in June. Grandpa has lived a life devoted to God and family. Very soon he will be reunited with his true love, Dorothy. The love that they lived for their 65 years of marriage, and the 10 years he has lived without her, will continue on in their 11 children, 30 grandchildren, and 27 great grandchildren(so far).

What an amazing legacy of love...

Grandpa's children, grandchildren and great children are blessed to have years and years of wonderful memories....especially his love of babies! Grandpa has always loved little ones. Even as his health has deteriorated, nothing brought a smile to his face faster than seeing one of his youngest  great grandchildren. They always bring him so much joy.

Grandpa, Jay, and his youngest great grandchild, Lyla

Grandpa had a real love of learning and a very intellectual mind. He was always reading books about his faith. Jay has some cherished letters his grandfather wrote to him over the years about faith and family. As Grandpa entered into his 90's, dementia began to creep in, but his joy never left. He was frequently singing songs and hymns and reciting poetry and quotes that had been written on his heart. One of quotes he said the most will be hanging in our home soon thanks to the talent of my soon to be daughter-in-law, Marisa:

"To know and be known,

to love and be loved,

that is the essence of happiness."

On this bittersweet Valentine's Day, I hope everyone feels known and loved.  Reach out and share that message to someone that might need to hear it today.

Please say a prayer for Grandpa and for his whole family. This Valentine's Day is certainly bittersweet, but I am so grateful that God gave us such a loving, faithful man as an example in our lives. He will be missed, but never forgotten.

A favorite family pic of Grandpa and Grandma...pure joy!

Another Year to Celebrate!

One of my favorite parts about Facebook is the memories that pop up from previous years. I joined Facebook when Kate was a baby, so seeing old posts pop up with baby and toddler pictures just melts my heart. Those years have passed so quickly...and I still haven’t been able to completely wrap my mind around the fact that four of my children are actual adults!

It always amazes me how fast time goes by! As Gretchen Rubin says, “The days are long but the years are short.”

So.very.true!

The years just slip by so quickly...a blur of seasons, birthdays, homework, summer vacations and holidays.

Speaking of years slipping by, twenty-seven years ago today, Jay and started our married life together.  It seems like such a long time(!), and yet, I have a hard time figuring out where the time actually went. While there were certainly lots of moments that will forever be etched in my mind and heart, (happy memories like the births of my children, special memories like First Communions, graduations, and the first of my children to get married...and also some sad memories like the short life and death of our first daughter, losing most of our grandparents, having a son diagnosed with Autism), so much of those 27 years has gone by in a blur of daily life that is filled with laundry, dishes, and a million seemingly insignificant conversations with the people I love. As time goes by...(and boy does that make me sound old!)....I realize that it’s all these little daily moments that fill me and create a pretty amazing life.

You’d think by now...after 27 years...I’d have this marriage thing figured out. I totally don’t. I still struggle with those moments of selfishness when I don’t want to give of myself, impatience and unkindness when Jay bears the brunt of my bad day unfairly, and moments of pride when I just want to be right.


But each day is a new beginning.

Reaching out Anniversary and looking at starting a new year with new possibilities feels really good. It gives us a reason to talk about goals and ways to live life more intentionally this year; to have things to look forward to as a couple and as the family we find ourselves becoming. We need that! We are in the midst of a season of change. We are down to four kids living home on a regular basis. We’ve added a daughter in law to our family and in 7 months from today will add another. Peter is now a legal adult and navigating this new world and all the paperwork and plans we have to put in place to make sure he is cared for through his whole life is daunting. Ellie will be a senior next year and starting her own journey to independence. While seeing our kids become independent adults is a very good thing, it’s still really hard. It’s not easy to shed our old roles and figure out how to relate to our kids as adults.

All this change makes me SO appreciative for those two bonus babies that God blessed our family with. They aren’t babies anymore but at 7 and 10 they are still young enough to keep us in a parenting stage I’m just not ready to let go of yet. (Although at Luke’s physical his doctor brought up the subject of puberty and I.just.couldn’t. Just no...not yet! Hoping Luke is a late bloomer like his brothers!!)

I got Jay this card for our Anniversary....

...and an Almond Joy candy bar. Almond Joy is Jay’s favorite, and I think it sums up our lives pretty well: “A little nutty with a lot of sweetness and joy.”

My sweet, (with a side of sassy), Kate made us these thoughtful cards: 

"You love mom and it is strong"

"The world is big and so is your love with Dad"

I'm thinking she might have a future creating Hallmark cards;)

27 years with Jay summed up in three pictures:

I’m hoping for many, many more! I wouldn’t want to be on this wild ride called life with anyone else!