I found that as Sunday afternoon rolled around, my anxiety levels began to creep up. It was really hard work to try and stay focused and positive. On Monday morning, after another night where Luke woke up with nightmares...and I was plagued with some of my own, I felt in no way ready to take on another week of homeschooling. It took a while to drag myself out of bed. I still exercised on our recumbent bike while listening to an uplifting podcast to try and get some endorphins going. Yet, as I stalled in the shower trying to avoid starting my day, I found myself struggling to praise God for all that I have to be grateful for. I went through the list but it was hard and I still felt empty. I was asking God for help to get through the kids' school day with patience and love....and for help to stop these overwhelming feelings of discouragement and hopelessness.
The morning slogged by but we got through everyone's work and a Zoom conference uneventfully. We made lunch and I washed all the dishes that had piled up since breakfast. It was nice outside, which was a reprieve from the rainy, cold weather from last week! I sent Kate and Luke outside to play for a while and tried to do some quiet reading. When they came inside, they wanted to watch a movie, which was fine with me because my goal was to have a calm day..#survival,#strugglingmom, so we put on Onward. (SO grateful for Disney+!)
Can I just say...it was such a good movie! It was very entertaining and there were so many great themes and emotionally touching moments. It made me cry towards the end, but it was a cathartic cry.
Right at the emotional part of the movie, Jay surprised me by coming home early from work. It was such a nice surprise...and probably added to my tears. I so needed that. When I'm struggling emotionally it's so hard to pull myself out of all the negativity. I had been feeling like a battery that wasn't recharging all the way each night and, when in use, was losing power way faster then normal. All the normal functioning stuff was feeling so hard.
Sometimes we just need to be reminded that we aren't in this alone.
Being able to get through the school day on Monday gave me a little more peace, but when Jay came home early it lifted the emotional burden that I was carrying and helped me to have a better perspective. It allowed hope to flow in. It was such a relief to my weary soul. The sunshine outside looked brighter, even though it wasn't. It was just that my ability to see it and let it in completely had changed.
Whenever I come out of a place of emotional struggle, it makes me think of the Return of the King scene after the ring is thrown back into the fire of Mt. Doom and Frodo and Sam escape onto a rock as the lava flows around them. Frodo had been in such a dark place emotionally, but finally, his burden had lifted. His circumstances still weren't perfect, but he could finally he remember all the good he had felt in his life and feel hope for the future.
Life is challenging and unfamiliar right now. If you're struggling, definitely start with prayer. Just remember, sometimes we need to reach out and asking our spouse, or a family member, or a good friend for help. It can make everything so much easier to carry.
