I read somewhere on the internet in the past week about someone comparing life to the Bill Murray movie, Groundhog Day. I have to agree with that sentiment. Most mornings I wake up in Luke’s bed (because he’s had lots of nightmares/trouble sleeping lately), and I lay there thinking what a strange dream I had about life coming to a standstill and being quarantined by a strange virus. After a couple groggy minutes I remember, “Oh, wait...this is my life right now.”
I find myself wrestling with questions like, “How can this even happen?” and “Why is this happening?” and “How long is this going to be our new normal?”
Most days in the the last couple of weeks I’ve tried to be positive and upbeat and create an organized atmosphere that gives the kids structure. I’ve tried to focus on the good parts of the situation. I’ve tried to use the extra time at home as an opportunity to get some organizing done and start on the very long “to do list” I made weeks ago of all the things I felt needed to get done before we host Jon and Marisa’s rehearsal dinner at the end of May.
But there are moments that chip away at my hope and leave me in tears lamenting like the psalmist, “How long, O Lord”? In those harder moments I find myself not really caring about my to do list and just wanting to curl up on the couch and wait for all of this to finally be over. Sometimes functioning and daily tasks seem like more than I can handle.
Some mornings it just takes a lot of strength to get out of bed and face another day that looks exactly like the day before.
I get frustrated with myself for having these feelings. I try to just focus on all the things I have to be grateful for: the health of my family, the gift of their presence, that Jay is still working and getting a normal paycheck, food in the freezer, and toilet paper in the bathroom closet. Some moments it’s harder than others to quiet those dark thoughts and feelings and just focus on doing the next best thing in front of me.
Kate has started to have an anxiety meltdown at least once a day. It tends to be at night, although one tough day she cried multiple times. She kept saying through tears, “I’m just having an emotional day.” She misses her cousin and her friends. She’s afraid of someone getting sick. She’s overwhelmed because she doesn’t know when this will end. Jay and I hug her and snuggle with her and try to reassure everything will be ok. It’s hard to watch and harder to know we can’t just make it all better.
I already mentioned Luke’s daily nightmares and trouble sleeping...which means I’m not sleeping through the night either. #storyofmyadultlife
Peter is struggling a lot with his lack of a schedule and routine. Like many special needs kids, Peter is very dependent on his predictable routines and schedules, and there is nothing predictable about life right now! With help from his teacher, I’ve started more of a school type routine. It seems to be helping a little and he isn’t saying, “Peter feels frustrated” dozens of times a day anymore. But he still has me on edge.
The older kids have their moments too. Mike is struggling with his life being on hold. Jon isworried about whether life will be normal enough for his wedding to happen at the end of May. Sarah is discouraged because the young man she is dating is a marine who is stationed in Japan. He was scheduled to come home on leave at the end of April. Travel restrictions have changed all that and now he’s hoping for sometime in the summer.
So many things in life have been upended!
I knew this week would be more challenging. The first week or two of a situation is always easier to manage. The newness of so much change and the energy it takes to learn new routines is a lot to focus on and helps to keep a lot of the fears and the doubts in check. The newness is wearing off and the reality that we don't have any control and that this is how life will look like for an unknown amount of time is now sinking in. I’m supposed to be the strong one...but I’m finding moments where I.just.can’t.
Sometimes I’m just not ok...
I think we are going to have bad moments...or even bad days. The loss of regular life and all the added stress that brings leads us into a grieving process. Sometimes we are going to need a good cry..or several..during a day. Life can be overwhelming and scary right now.
If you're having one of those "other" types of days, just know that you aren't alone. We aren't always going to feel confident and competent as we navigate our new roles from home. We aren't always going to have productive days.
It's ok to admit that you aren't ok.
On those tough days, reach out to a close friend or two and share how you're feeling. Lean in on God and journal, or just tell Him, all the hard emotions that are on your heart. If it's a day with decent weather take a short walk with a friend...using appropriate social distancing of course. Or walk and listen to some upbeat music or an uplifting podcast. Try to distract yourself with any small task you feel up to handling. Maybe try taking a nap.
Sometimes, if we're really emotional, we just have to make it through the day and go to bed. Then, we can try again the next day with a fresh start.
These days certainly aren't easy or comfortable, but we will get through them. It's not always going to be pretty. I'm never going to do it perfectly....but we will all get through it. Some days we will be lifting up our friends and family, and other days we need to allowour friends and family to lift us up.
I have an analogy I've used many times over the last several years. We are all like rock climbers. And, just like rock climbers, we are all harnessed together so that when one person slips or loses their grip they only fall so far before their connection to the other climbers stops their fall. We are all supporting each other and we will all reach the top of this Covid-19 mountain together!
One (Grounddog) day at a time.
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| photo credit: Eastern Mountain Sports School |
