Preparing the Manger of our Heart

I don't do well when I have too many options to choose from. For example, I try not to follow too many podcasts on my app. Otherwise, I waste a lot of the limited time I have to listen to podcasts just searching for an episode to listen to! Because of my time restraints, I listen to most of the podcasts I follow based on whether or not the episode sounds interesting and relevant to my life. There are only two podcasts that I play weekly without fail; Poco a Poco and Abiding Together.

The Abiding Together Podcast is doing an Advent book study on The Reed of God by Caryll Houselander. I wasn't planning on buying the book because I don't have a lot of bandwidth this Advent, and was just going to listen to Sr. Miriam, Heather Khym, and Michelle Benzinger's explanation and commentary. After taking in Week 1 of the study, I wrote down so many things that struck me that I hopped over to Amazon to grab my own copy!

"Advent is the season of the secret. The secret of the growth of Christ, the Divine Love growing in silence."

-The Reed of God, pg 38

The word 'silence' had come up multiple times for me in the days leading up to Advent as I considered where God was asking me to focus for this special season. Thoughts of slowing down and entering into the silence of my heart to find Jesus there has really appealed to me. The week before Advent, the Poco a Poco podcast had discussed making our hearts a little Nazareth for Advent...'a place of beauty, simplicity, and stillness'. Fostering stillness and silence felt like an invitation that I wanted to accept, even though I wasn't sure exactly how it could work in the midst of the busiest season of the year. Just thinking about the words 'stillness' and 'silence' and the posture of waiting during Advent created a hush in my soul and opened a deeper place in my heart where I longed to connect with God and see where He might lead me.

Just days into Advent, I already felt like I was failing. All of the "to do's" of the season were looming, the unplanned was happening, some wounds were triggered, and 'stillness' and 'silence' seemed unattainable. I was doing too much striving and not enough abiding. While there are things in this busy season that need attention and some kind of plan, black and white thinking had me looking at Advent as a time I could be productive or as a time I could be meditative. I had it all wrong, it wasn't supposed to be the either/or situation I was making it out to be. 

God knows my state in life. He knows I have a husband, children and grandchildren that need a lot of my time and attention. He knows I want to create memories and delightful moments for my family at this special time of year. He knows that I like to shop for thoughtful gifts and bake special treats. He knows how full my weeks are helping to care for my grandchildren and our kids still living at home. God isn't asking me to give that all up. He just wants me to make room for Him. God even helps me to make room for Him. He orders my life for me when I surrender it all to Him. When I put God first and surrender my schedule and 'to-do' list, I get to stay closely connected to God and everything that's important still get done with the bonus of maintaining a level of peace that I'm not capable of when doing "all the things" in my own power.  It's a win, win, win!

"Emptiness is not a void, in the sense of a nameless, shapeless purposeless void. 

It's an openness to be filled." The Reed of God, pg 19

This quote made me think about the manger the night of Jesus' birth. The manger was empty but not purposeless. It was waiting to be filled with the most meaningful way. Its emptiness would be filled in the ultimate purpose any manger would ever have ... to hold the Son of God. 

 

What if our hearts became a manger for Jesus this Christmas? What would we need to declutter in order to make room for His arrival? Possibly even harder than making the space, is the wait to be filled. It's hard to be patient and not see that emptiness as a "void" that we have to fill. (And we are SO good at trying to fill ourselves! Food, alcohol, Netflix, social media scrolling, shopping- there are lots of ways to fill ourselves with all the things that don't truly satisfy our needs!) 

What if we make room in our heart and wait for Jesus to come in the way that He wants to fill our hearts this year? We don't have long to wait. After all, it’s only a few more sleeps ‘til Christmas. No matter how 'well' or 'not well' we've lived this Advent, Jesus desires to come and fill the manger of our heart in whatever way we welcome Him in and receive Him. We still have time!  Let's ask Jesus what we can let go of to declutter our hearts and for the grace to wait for Him and remember that "emptiness is not a void-it's an openness to be filled" ...by Him.

A Momentary Pause Before the Chaos

As moms, we are deep in the trenches of planning for the fast approaching holiday season.

Although I'm sure there are some exceptions, my own personal experience is that the moms of the family take on lots of extra planning and responsibility once we begin November. We moms usually add another hat to wear in mid Fall as we become the 'magic makers' of all the special celebrations and get togethers that start to fill our calendars. Creating the special moments around Thanksgiving, Advent and Christmas takes a lot of thoughtfulness and planning.   

I'm not always good at being honest with myself about what I'm feeling capable of creating versus what I think I should be able to handle. I would be willing to gamble that I'm not the only mom that struggles in this area. There are so many special holiday traditions that I want to incorporate into our family time during November, December and early January. I tend to start filling every available free moment on the calendar with holiday cheer, especially searching through cookbooks for some new holiday treats to add to my yearly favorites.

But before we jump into the holiday season with both feet, let's take a few minutes to pray and ask God the direction He wants our planning to take. I have to admit, that this is not usually my first train of thought...which is probably why I get stuck in the overwhelm in the first place!

Since every day is a fresh start with God, we can begin again today regardless of where we are at in our holiday planning. And I totally get the overwhelm...I've got a turkey in my fridge, a list for the next two days of recipes to bake and rooms that need cleaning, and Amazon stopping by my house a few times a week to deliver the gifts I've started buying in my yearly attempt to finish my Christmas shopping before Advent begins. But even if you have to hide out in the bathroom or the laundry room, take five minutes to ask yourself a few questions and prayerfully consider:

-What do you really want for your holiday season based on what your family dynamics are this year?If you are in a family season of overwhelm with lots of little kids you need to take that into account when you want to plan "all the things". One or two special things planned and executed well that create good memories is a better choice than overfull schedules every single weekend that leave everyone cranky, worn out, and frustrated. 

-What has your family been going through this year? Have you experienced loss or are you working through trauma that is going to affect what you're capable of handling this year? How can you simplify things, put some traditions on hold for this year, and only focus on the traditions that are most important? Please consider asking for help from a family member or close friend if even the normal tasks are too much! (And please seek professional help if you're really struggling. A good, Catholic therapist can be life changing!) On a practical level, going shopping with a friend who understands what you're going through can make your list feel less burdensome. Give yourself permission to order desserts instead of baking. Do a potluck appetizer/dessert night instead of a big meal, or ask your guests to provide the side dishes and desserts. There are some years when you just cannot do it all...and that's ok. Usually it's our own perfectionistic expectations based on our Pinterest boards or friends' Instagram reels that drive us to give more than we are able. Some years "good enough" has to be our focus. 

-What is the state of your emotional love tank? Don't just gloss over this question with a quick, "I'm fine." Be completely honest with yourself! What do you(mom) need right now? We are not meant to "white knuckle" and "get through" everything we think we should do for the holidays while we are held together with emotional duct tape! That never, ever ends well. (I've learned this lesson the hard way and on more than one occasion unfortunately.)

This special holiday time is a way to share and give love to the people in our life. If we try to give what we don't have, the love fades into the background and everything just becomes about checking each box on our to do list. Even if we manage to do “all the things” we will end up feeling emptier than when we started. 

I hope these suggestions will be helpful. Mostly, I write all this as a reminder to myself to stay focused on what's most important to me and to my family while accepting and recognizing my own limitations as we journey closer to Christmas and a brand new year. I need to accept God’s Grace in each and every moment and live authentically at whatever level my heart is able to give. This is a plea to myself to let God lead and trust the path He has me on, even if(when) I’m not able to accomplish all I would like to do in the next 6 weeks. 

I hope your journey through Advent is filled with trust, surrender, and everything you truly need. 

This was my artistic endeavor at a Thanksgiving/Advent/Christmas mash up!

We Must Decrease

One thing that I haven't yet managed to do in all my years of mothering is to slow down time to keep my kids from growing up so fast. With eight kids, I had lots of opportunities to try and figure out how to slow the growing process, but I have failed again and again. In fact, my youngest seems to be on fast forward in her journey to follow in her siblings (large) footsteps!

I've been a mom for over thirty years, and I have NO idea how that went by so quickly! I'm still so surprised at how the first few years seem like they will last forever and then you blink and your child is a teenager! One moment you're carrying them around on your hip everywhere and before you know it they walk out of their room one morning taller than you! How does that even happen?!? (If you have the answer please leave it in the comments. I've only got one more at home who is shorter than me and she measures herself against me every week, seemingly getting closer and closer each time!)

There's a lot of stretching and growing that happens ... and I'm not just talking about the kids. As moms, we have to do a lot of stretching and growing as our kids change and become more independent. After being completely reliant on us for their survival for several years, the pushing away to become their own person can be challenging for moms. Change doesn't always feel good, even when it is good.

I remember the first time my youngest son, Luke, just gave me a head nod instead of a hug leaving a school mass with his class. He had started middle school so it wasn't an unexpected response ... I had known for a while that I was on 'borrowed time'. I was grateful that seeing me up to that point evoked such an outwardly loving response from my outgoing youngest son. But I can't say that the head nod didn't hurt my heart that first time. That slight shift was a reminder to me that time is passing and changes are already starting on the not so long road to adulthood and independence. 

While my nest isn't completely empty yet, (it's still half full ... or half empty ... depending on your point of view!), I'm certainly headed in that direction. My oldest four are out on their own; three of them are married and two of those have blessed us with grandchildren. So far the grandbaby count is four boys and one princess: twin 2.5 yo boys, another 2yo boy, a 4 month old girl, and a 6 week old boy. We are blessed that they live local and we see them multiple times a week when our house becomes a throwback to all the years we had babies and toddlers to care for. It gets quite chaotic with 5 kids under 3!

Last week, I read a blogpost from an empty nest mom reminding me that my parenting role as my kids get older is to become smaller. In the line of John the Baptist, "I must decrease".  My role as a mom of young adults is much different than my role as mom when they were younger. It's that "change" word creeping in again. While there are certainly benefits to learning to let go- I no longer am responsible for things like worrying about getting a picky eater to consume more vegetables or being in charge of every child's day to day schedule(phew!)- it can also be a bit messy. Learning to keep your opinions to yourself unless asked can be a challenge. Learning to throw out your own ideas and suggestions and let your adult children decide what's best for them is humbling. Watching your adult children stretch and grow into spouses and parents and all the challenges those big changes bring isn't easy. 

Sometimes there's a fine line between trying to help in a healthy way and being codependent and try to "save" them. As parents, we can stunt our adult children's growth and confidence if we step in and do too much in times of struggle, so creating healthy boundaries takes time and effort. But we don't have to worry too much about learning these skills...God always provides lots of opportunities in our day-to-day life to practice!

Speaking of the youngest..these are my two  youngest granchildren:
Charlie (7 weeks) & Claire (4 months)
(I had to sneak in a pic of these two cuties!:)

Live Holy the Present Moment

 "In our individualistic, self-centered culture, even many of us Christians might focus more on what we want to do in life than seek how God wants us to serve him. We might come up with our amazing plans and then ask God to help us accomplish those goals we set for ourselves. Mary, however, was not like that. She models the virtue of devotion. She wanted to live her life serving not her own will but God's, pursuing not her own dreams but the Lord's. She surrendered her life to the Lord's plan. It was as if she woke up each morning and asked God, How do you want me to use my life this day to serve you?"(Dr. Edward Sri in The Art of Living, pg 209)

I've been slowly reading Dr. Sri's book in adoration since our parish gave them out for Christmas. The paragraph I just shared is my favorite so far. It resonates with me. Why? Well, I feel like the concept of surrendering my life to God's plan and letting go of self-sufficiency and control has been a major focus for me this year.

I've spent the last year and a half working with a Catholic therapist to journey through the trauma my family has been living through over the last several years. So much of our time together has been spent focusing on living in the moment, tools to calm the fear and anxiety that kept me in a constant state of fight or flight, and trying to process through all the hard feelings of the past few years while also navigating the twists and turns of everyday life that often gets thrown at us. It's been a long, slow journey.

It's taken a lot of time, but I've finally reached a place where I have some better perspective and more moments of peace. As much as I pray that repentance, resolution and healing will happen one day, (and I pray a lot for that intention!), I've gotten more successful at keeping my focus on the present moment. I'm working hard to discern God's will for me daily in my life; especially the right balance between serving my family and being honest about my own needs.(which isn't an easy thing for me)

Difficult times in life are part of all our journeys. It's hard not to want to rush through the pain to get to the other side. Allowing God to set the pace of the journey isn't easy to do because, spoiler alert, His time table is usually very different from ours. So is His GPS...I would often prefer that circumstances in my life take a path that's very different than the one God has me on.

As much as I'd prefer to avoid the longer path, there are lessons that God wants me to learn on the journey. It's a time to learn patience and fortitude. Most of all, the hard journey is an opportunity to practice leaning in on God and to rely on His strength instead of our own. It's an opportunity to increase our trust in God, which I always find comes with lots of growing pains.

There are a lot of lessons to be learned in  a longer journey-if we skip too quickly to the end we would miss out. Missing out doesn't seem so bad when the pain and grief we feel threated to drown us, or when God's promise that He can bring good out of any situation doesn't seem possible for our brokenness. But God provides along the way. He sends consolation through His Word. He sends His love through a text from a friend, a quote on your social media feed that gives you encouragement, a song that touches your heart, or a meaningful podcast or blogpost at just the right time. 

"It is the Lord who goes before you: he will be with you, 

he will not fail you or forsake you..." 

Deuteronomy 31:8

Not running ahead of God in the journey is important...and a hard lesson to learn. In the past, God has shed a small amount of light on the direction I'm supposed to go and instead of taking one small step, I'm racing off like the gun just got fired at the starting block as I wave behind me saying, "Thanks, God, I've got this now!" 

It never, ever ends well!

I've also had to work hard on not having a scarcity mindset. If God has provided the knowledge and the means for one small step, I need to wait and trust that He will provide for whatever my next step is supposed to be.

I think St. Gianna Molla's words are the goal:

"As to the past, let us entrust it to God's Mercy,

the future to Divine Providence.

Our task is to live holy the present moment."

May Mary, who lived her life in God's Will at every moment, help us to know God's will for each step of our lives and encourage us along the journey.

And You Yourself a Sword Shall Pierce

Today(September 19th) is the Feast Day of Our Lady of Sorrows. I've felt a connection to Our Lady of Sorrows for a long time. It started during the short life of our daughter, Therese. My emotions from losing a child found consolation and solace in Mary's life as a grieving Mother. In the last year, I've been focusing on and learning more about each of her sorrows. (It's actually part of a big writing project that I hope to share with you in the next few months!) 

Even though I didn't plan on writing a blogpost today, I couldn't let the day go by without sharing a few thoughts...

I really wanted to go to Mass this morning and I planned my grocery store stops around it. I planned on going to a parish that I catch an occasional daily Mass at a couple of towns away. I got there early and I was happily surprised that there was Eucharistic Adoration. I got to pray the chaplet of the seven sorrows. When 9am came and Mass didn't start, I found out that that parish no longer has a morning mass on Fridays. (whomp, whomp!) So I listened to the readings and homily from EWTN's online Mass after the rest of my errands. Not the same...but better than nothing!

The priest focused much of his homily on Mary's posture, standing at the foot of her Son's cross. Mary was standing under the cross; a sign of strength and total unification with Jesus' suffering and death. Mary stood among all the hatred and ugliness of the loud, jeering crowd and the antagonizing soldiers. Mary stood as her son was tortured, mocked, and scorned. Mary's presence and posture was an outward affirmation to the "yes" she first spoke at the Annunciation, her "yes" at the painful words of Simeon's prophesy, her continual "yes" throughout Jesus' entire life, and ending with her most powerful "yes" as she stood at the foot of the cross watching her son being killed. 

Mary stood at Jesus' cross to love Him, support Him, and console Him in any way she could. Mary did not despair as she stood at the most painful moment of her life. Mary's heart broke at the sight of her Son, but she still clung to hope. Mary trusted that God would bring good even out of the greatest and most painful tragedy.

"We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose"-Romans 8:28

Mary lived that scripture verse. In the darkest moment of her life, Mary held tightly onto hope and trusted God in the difficult circumstances of her life. She stood...eyes on the cross and her beloved Son.  

Under the title of Our Lady of Sorrows, Mary gives us an incredible example of how to keep our eyes on God and hold onto hope when we face trials and tragedies in our own lives. When we find ourselves standing with those we love that are suffering on their own personal crosses, we have the consolation that we do not stand alone. Mary stands with us helping to bear our burdens and the burdens of our family and friends. Mary understands our heartache and pain. 

Today's feast is an opportunity to remember Mary's faith and strength. It's also a day to recall and honor the suffering she endured for all of us that was foretold at Jesus' Presentation in the Temple:

"And you yourself a sword shall pierce..."-Luke2:35

May I make a suggestion to offer Mary a special prayer today to console her Immaculate Heart? Any prayer will be a beautiful spiritual flower offered to Mary with love...and what mama doesn't love to get a flower from her child?? (Even a dandelion!) If you would like to find out more about the chaplet to the seven sorrows, click here.

We went to Hershey, PA this summer and found
Our Lady of Sorrows Catholic Church nearby for Mass.
This was a beautiful prayer alcove in the church.

The Trouble with Transitions

August is a month of transition for many families. A new school year is either starting or getting ready to start. It's the frantic moments of making sure summer work is finished, school supplies are purchased, and new school shoes are sought out. I know that there are a range of  mom emotions that accompany the impending start of school. Some moms can.not.wait for school to start and to get back into a consistent routine after filling a summer with activities to keep kids occupied and make memories. On the opposite extreme, some moms grieve as the end of summer approaches and their kids get ready to launch into another year of growing and changing.

(I tend to be the grieving mom...although there is a sense of peace in having a consistent routine. So maybe I fall just a little closer to the middle of the pendulum swing!)

Some years include transitions with a capital "T", aka milestone years. My youngest son will be in 8th grade this year and my baby girl, who is definitely not a baby, is entering middle school. They will be having a big transition year.

The biggest transition this year is happening to my son, Peter. Peter is severely affected by autism and turns 22 on the very last day of July. The town we live in does not have a program for kiddos with more severe special needs, so they have always funded Peter's participation in area collaborative programs. Peter has been in his current collaborative since he was 7. Collaboratives work differently than regular classrooms. Peter has had the same classroom and friends for several years at a time before he aged into another program within the collaborative. The teachers were different, but the kids mostly stayed the same. 

The morning that I'm writing this, I attended the last IEP meeting for Peter. It was really just a formality. Less than a week after the meeting, Peter ages out as a student covered by the school system and his IEP means nothing anymore. We have been blessed to live in a town that has always helped us to take good care of Peter. We have not known the angst of stressful IEP meetings or having to fight for things that we felt our son needed. My husband and I decided long ago that, if we were going to move to a new home, it would have to be in the same town because of how well they have always provided for Peter. We know that this level of services, and the relative ease in order to get those services, is not everyone's experience. While caring for a child with special needs is never easy, not having to fight for what we felt he needed from the school system was a tremendous blessing that we are so appreciative of.

My level of emotion at the relatively short meeting surprised me. I'm not usually a "crier", but I couldn't stop the tears from sliding down my cheeks as different people spoke. I was able to relay my thanks to our SPED director and Peter's teacher as I planned, but it was with a quivering voice. The minute the call ended, I stopped trying to control the sadness and let my sobs out.

My tears happened for so many reasons. Peter's journey in the school system began as a 3 year old little guy with no language and is ending as a full grown 6 foot man who is able to communicate and care for at least some of his basic needs independently. It has been a long, often hard, road to get to this point. "Graduating" into adult services, where the care is very different, is a bit scary. No longer receiving his care through a place that felt safe is a big loss for us. Having to hear Peter articulate, "I'm graduating on Thursday. I'm going to miss my friends. I'm going to miss my teachers.", breaks my heart every time he says it. (Which is multiple times an hour. Peter repeats and perseverates on things in order to work through them.) 

I wish I could save him from this heartache and make the transition easier, but I can't. Isn't that the plight of a mother's heart ... when "magic mommy kisses" no longer solve our kids' real life problems?

I know from experience that this build up to the ending is worse than starting the next step and getting used to our "new normal". It reminds me of when one of our sons went to grad school. I did most of my grieving in the weeks leading up to the change. Once he left, there was sadness but also an acceptance and readiness to move forward. I'm hoping that Peter's transition is the same.

Motherhood is always growing and stretching us in new ways. There is the literal stretching of growing a new little person in our body, the physical sacrifices of pregnancy and birth, and the exhaustion of sleepless nights and constant care. As children grow their needs change and the demands on our emotional and mental energy outweigh the physical demands, but it's still never easy. Those teenage years as they practice pushing off from us and attempting independence can be down right painful. That final push of independence can be as painful for us as all the pushing we did to bring them into the world.

The trouble with transitions is that they highlight the fact that we really aren't in control of anything. Transition means change is coming, whether we are ready and willing or not! While we can do 'all the things' to prepare to make a transition more smooth, the hardest thing to prepare is our hearts. It's much easier to check off a to-do list than to sit with the grief and the loss of the way our lives are shifting and the way our family will change. It's hard to step out from what is known and comfortable and start off on a new path that we aren't at all sure about. New paths don't mean things will be bad, but different is not easy to get used to. New paths stretch our trust muscles that God is going to work everything out and hold us as we travel this unknown land. 

Transitions definitely highlight how much I like to imagine that I'm the one that's in the driver's seat. Change is an opportunity to work on surrender and cast off the cape of self-sufficiency that I'm inordinately attached to. Transitions are a reminder to myself that my children ultimately belong to God, that He has a plan for each of them, and that He loves them more than I ever could. 

In the midst of change, let's hold on to St. Zelie, a fellow mom who can intercede for us in Heaven:

"The Good Lord does not do things by halves; 

He always gives what we need. Let us then carry on bravely."

Finding Rest

I am blessed to belong to a Parish that has almost perpetual adoration. On Saturday mornings at 8am I have a scheduled hour. Every week, no matter how well I try to manage my time, I always end up running behind. I'm often hurrying up the church steps as the clock is chiming loudly, trying to make it to the top before it strikes the 8th ring. I feel like a backwards Cinderella every time it happens...she was running down the steps away from the prince while I'm running up the steps headed towards the King of Kings.

There's another area of life that makes me think of Cinderella. Remember the scene in the movie when all Cinderella wants to do is go to the ball? Her evil stepmother tells Cinderella that she can go but cunningly gives her a stipulation; only if your work is done and you have a proper dress to wear. The evil stepmother loads up Cinderella's to-do list to make it impossible for her to complete it all and alter her mother's old dress to be ready for the ball.

While I certainly don't have an evil stepmother or a fancy ball to attend, I often have an impossible to-do list. It's very easy for me to live unspoken stipulations that I have set for myself: "You can only have fun or relax once you get through this list." While on the surface that kind of thinking may sound like a way to create order and discipline in a busy, messy life, the reality is that it's the short cut to burnout. 

As a mom, my to-do list is never really done. As quickly as I cross off one item from my list I find a couple more things that need attention. I'm sure you already know this, but kids are messy! They create dirty dishes and dirty laundry at an astonishing rate! And spoiler alert for moms not at this stage yet...grandchildren are messy too! 

So how do we have a more healthy, balanced mindset when it comes to everything we feel that we need to accomplish without treating ourselves like the evil stepmother treated Cinderella? I think the first step is recognizing our inner thoughts and the way we talk to ourselves in our head. (Or sometimes out loud when we think no one else is around!) If I'm being honest, I don't treat myself very well most days. I can be a harsh taskmaster. I have a hard time relaxing when a lot of items on my list remain undone. Even when I do finally sit down at the end of the day, I find myself feeling lazy, incompetent and undeserving of rest. 

"Come to me, all who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon me and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; 

and you will find rest for yourself." Mt 11:28-29

This was the gospel at a recent weekend Mass and it always touches my heart. Why? Because I'm a mom (and a Grammy) always trying to make sure everyone feels loved and is fed well with a (somewhat) clean living environment. Most of the time, I feel like I'm not enough and I will never meet everyone's needs even at the expense of frequently ignoring the fact that I have needs of my own. There's a lot of "I's" in that sentence...and that's the whole problem.

"I'm" not supposed to be the one doing it all. Regardless of how I feel, it doesn't all depend on me. When I'm feeling like I'm carrying the weight of my little world on my shoulders, it's because I'm trying to do God's job. That's an impossible notion! Yet, my self reliance and pride seem to guide me down that wrong path more often than I would like to admit. My internal GPS needs some recalculating!

Jesus says "come to me" and "learn from me". He doesn't expect or want me to do everything on my own. He wants to help carry my burdens. He wants me to surrender my to do list to His will. Jesus wants me to learn how to live from Him. What does He teach us through His word and His saints? He shows us the importance of times of work, times of prayer, times of camaraderie, and times of rest. We need His truth... not the "truth" we create in our own heads!

The truth is that we are loved and worthy without our list, without our perfectly clean home, without our perfectly altered ball gowns. Cinderella was meant for the prince even when she was in rags. and we are always claimed by our King regardless of the tasks left on our to do list. We cheat ourselves out of a deeper relationship with God and truly becoming who we are meant to be because we let other distractions that seem to give us order and control in life get in the way. 

Try to spend a few minutes at some point today contemplating those areas where you feel overwhelmed. Are you bringing those areas to God and asking Him to guide you and help you carry the heavy load? Or are you white knuckling your way through, and losing a part of yourself in the process? Let's try to be open to the changes God might be asking from us. It's not easy, but remember His promise in Matthew:

"I will give you rest."

Kate from 2019...I miss when she liked to dress like a princess!

For the Mom Staring Down Summer Vacation

Summer vacation.

When you read those two words, what feelings start to bubble up in your heart? Excitement? Relief? Anxiety? A mix of lots of emotions?

While summer certainly has so much potential to spend extended time and make special memories with our kiddos, its also a time of change. The routines we've spent the last nine months working on and tweaking are ending. We are staring down the next ten-ish weeks of open time that needs to be planned and coordinated. That takes a lot of mental energy as we get ready to be bombarded by the daily question of, "So, Mom, what are we doing today?"

While we want to make great memories and enjoy this special time of year, we also need to keep our expectations realistic to ensure our sanity stays intact. We need to remember to pace ourselves. Having some sort of outline of what we would like the summer to look like with activities that are important to us and our family can help to avoid disappointment come mid-August that we didn't get to do what we had hoped to.

I think the first and most important step is taking into consideration what season of life you find yourself in. Moms with lots of littles will have a summer that looks very different from moms with school age kids. Not all good ideas will fit into your family life. You want to pick activities that set you up for success! When you find future activity ideas that aren't perfect for right now because of ages/circumstances, email yourself with "summer" in the subject line. Then you can pull them up next year easily! (I do the same thing when I find an idea for one of my kids for Christmas during the year. Otherwise, I would forget all about it!)

One of the things I started a few weeks ago was a "brainstorming list" that is on our fridge. Any idea I think of, my kids this of, or I see somewhere online gets put on the list. We are starting to figure out what fits into the calendar and the budget. They aren't all expensive activities or big adventures. Things like library visits, walking different local trails, trying out different beaches and playgrounds, sprinklers in the yard, game nights, s'mores nights, or sampling ice cream cones from different ice cream businesses don't cost much (or anything!) but add lots of fun!

We also have some day trip ideas...an inflatable park, a couple of museums, a drive-in movie theater. I'm working on planning a little road trip later in the summer, too. I think it will be to Hershey, PA and Gettysburg. (My 13-year-old loves history!) My husband enjoys watching the TV show Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, so we will attempt to find a couple of restaurants while we're away that Guy Fieri gave a thumbs-up to.

Setting up playdates for kids (and also for us moms) is always a favorite part of summer for my kids. Summer is also a perfect time to invite some friends over for a potluck dinner and let the kids all play while the grownups get to socialize. And don't forget to sprinkle in a few date nights with your spouse here or there, which can be a s simple as a walk around the neighborhood after it cools off or sitting by the fire after the kids go to sleep.

Make sure you create time for quiet and for slowing down and just being. Extra quiet reading with some fun books is something I'm looking forward to! (I already have some holds waiting for me at the library!) I will be adding in daily Mass a couple of days a week and doing a Bible study geared toward preteens/teens into our routine.

Pray for ideas...and just start listening and reading and googling. See what friends post on Facebook and Instagram. Encourage your kids to add their ideas when they come up with them.

Don't panic if you don't have a complete plan the first week of summer. That doesn't mean you're behind or that summer is ruined! (That's just perfectionism rearing its ugly head!) Use summer as an opportunity to strengthen your trust muscle by leaning into God and trusting Him to help you work out a plan, day by day and week by week, that's going to be best for your entire family.

And remember, sometimes plans need to change. Illness or a thunderstorm can wreak havoc on something your family was looking forward to. We are on week one of summer vacation and our plans have already been altered since we are caring for our almost 2 year old grandson while his new baby sister is spending some extended time in the NICU. And now our dog is sick so we have an unexpected vet visit that needs to be scheduled. #lifehappens

Sometimes kids (or moms) try to do too much in a week and we just need to punt an activity. Rest is important, too!

I would love to hear some of your favorite things to do and some of your summer wish list items. Sharing ideas is a blessing for everyone!

Happy Summer!

photo credit: LovePeacePrayers.com

It Has Not Happened To Me As I Expected

In the cycle of Mass readings, the first reading has been from the Book of Tobit the last few days. Each day that I've started the first reading, I feel a little bit of delight as I remember how much I like this particular Old Testament Book. It's not long...only 14 chapters total. I just really like the story and, spoiler alert, I especially love the happy ending.

The Book of Tobit is about, shockingly, a man named Tobit during the time of the Assyrian exile, and his wife and son, Tobias. Tobit became blind and is just waiting for death. He sends his son on a journey to get ten talents of silver that he had left in safe keeping with a far away relative. It ends up being a journey of faith and healing that Tobias takes, unknowingly, with St. Raphael. At the same time, it is also about one of Tobit's relatives named Sarah, who is a young woman that has been married seven times but a demon has killed each of her husbands on their wedding night before the marriage can be consummated. 

Just a little light reading!! (Good thing I gave you that spoiler alert, right?!?)

Today's reading focused on 3:1-11,16-17. In these verses, both Tobit and Sarah in their respective cities(villages?) are feeling crushed by their individual crosses. Both pray...starting with proclaiming God's righteousness and begging for His Mercy. Both beg for death. They are both filled with so much pain that they see no other way out.

While our visiting priest went on to give what I'm sure was a very interesting homily focused on the Gospel of the day, my mind was just too drawn to the words of the first reading to think of anything but Tobit and Sarah. The emotion of their words just touched me deeply. Tobit and Sarah both poured their hearts out to God. They had been carrying such heavy crosses for quite a while. They felt tired and hopeless. They felt like there was nothing left for them. There was no future to hope for. They both felt like the only thing left for them was to pray for the end to come. In Tobit's words, "...For it is better for me to die than to see so much distress in my life and listen to such insults."(verse 6) And in Sarah's words, in verse 15:  "...Why should I live? But if it be not pleasing to you to take my life, command that respect be shown to me and pity be taken upon me, and that I hear reproach no more."

In other words, I can't take anymore! Make the hurting stop.

While our crosses aren't the same as Tobit or Sarah's, how many times have we gotten to a place where we have poured our hearts out to God? How many times have we cried out with words that echoed "I can't take it anymore!" and "Please make it stop!" and "Please make it go away!"

I've certainly used those words. And while God might not always take the cross away, He does always show up and give me the grace to take the next step. His plan doesn't usually take the direct route I wish it did to the "finish line", but there are blessings to be found on the journey and even in an unexpected ending. 

Tobias' journey was meant to fulfill Tobit's request to recover the talents he left in safe keeping, to provide for his family when Tobit's wish for death was realized. But Tobias' journey ended up being so much more. Because of St. Raphael's help, Tobias found what would cure his father. St. Raphael also led Tobias to Sarah, who "as his kin...have before all other men a hereditary claim to her."(Tobit 6:10) When Tobias questioned out of fear because rumors traveled fast back then, even without the existence of social media, St. Raphael, (still in disguise), told him how to pray to God and what to do to make the demon flee. Because those words were God's truth...and I'm sure it helped coming from an (unknown) angel, "When Tobias heard these things, he fell in love with her and yearned deeply for her.(6:17)

Doesn't that happen to us to sometimes? When God's truth breaks through our fears and takes hold of our mind and emotions in an unshakeable way? When we feel the "peace beyond all understanding"?(Philippians 4:7) That's pure grace.

Hope is vital but hard to hold onto, especially when living for an extended period of time with really hard circumstances. We can be beaten down so much, that it's impossible to see a different outcome than the one we fear. That's where Sarah was. The wedding night came and Sarah "began to weep".(7:17) Sarah's mother acknowledged her fear. "Be brave, my child; the Lord of heaven and earth grant you joy in place of this sorrow of yours. Be brave, my daughter."(7:18)  Sarah's father certainly doubted:" But Rag'uel arose and went and dug a grave, with the thought, "Perhaps he too will die."(8:9) Rag'uel had a maid sneak in the room to see if Tobias was dead early the next morning so that he could bury him in secret. To Rag'uel's surprise, Tobias was alive, and he praised God!

"...Blessed are you, because you have made me glad. 

It has not happened to me as I expected; 

but you have treated us according to your great mercy...."(9:16)

"It has not happened to me as I expected;" That line stands out to me. It's hard to hope that good things will happen when other moments in life have been so painful. To be able to rejoice and thank God for a blessing you thought could never happen is a gift. When you're prepared for the worse, an unexpected blessing can bring so much healing to a soul that feels broken. 

Despite all of the pain and trauma that Sarah and her family had been through, Rag'uel embraced the great surprise gift they had received. They trusted God to move forward in their lives, and he "ordered his servants to fill in the grave"(8:18). They let go of all the past pain and looked forward to building a life filled with blessings. Hope was given a place to grow in their hearts.

That's what God can do....He can surprise us and comfort us and heal us when things don't happen as we expect it. I need eyes to see that. Maybe you do to? Let's pray for each other and let Tobias' journey remind us all that God can restore even seemingly hopeless situations. 

(And make sure to keep a lookout for angels in disguise along the way!)

A Heart of Wisdom

photo credit loveprayerspeace.com

Motherhood is always a growing and stretching experience. As a wife, mom, and now grammy, I have a lot of things to juggle. I've been a mom for 30 years(which completely blows my mind when I think about how fast time has gone by!). Each season has brought, and continues to bring, its own set of joys and challenges. With eight children born over a span of 19 years, I've gotten to do each of these seasons many, many times. And I can honestly tell you that practice does not make perfect!

Each one of my kids is wired in a unique way with their own needs, strengths, and challenges. Some stages of development were incredibly easy with some of my kids, while with others it was a wailing and gnashing of teeth experience. Take potty training as an example. My first child was potty trained so easily at 2.5. Child number two at the same age looked at the potty and screamed, "NO!" Most of my crew were finally ready between 3 and 3.5. My youngest son could care less what we tried to bribe him with to use the potty and finally(!) was potty trained just days before he turned 4. Our son with severe autism wasn't fully potty trained until around the age of 8...but we were thrilled that he even reached that milestone! So different. And that's just one small stage of development!

We've had a lot of family changes over the last four years. Four college graduations, two grad-school graduations, three marriages, three grandsons, a granddaughter arriving next month, and another grandson arriving in August. My special needs son became an adult, which has meant lots of paperwork and a new road to navigate. Another child started college. My youngest son became and official teenager, and my baby girl is no longer a baby but the "pre-teeniest preteen" we have ever had.

Please click here to continue reading my blogpost at catholicmom.com

Carrying Each Other's Burdens

 Last year, my family went through what I (unaffectionately) called "Second Lent." I remember that we had almost made it to Holy Week. The days were getting warmer. There was more daylight, which is always an amazing feeling after the long, dark days of winter in the Northeast! The hope of spring was starting to poke its way into my heart as winter and Lent were quickly drawing to a close.

That feeling lasted about 24 hours. Then, within the course of a week, two very hard, unexpected crosses showed up into our lives! 

Please click the link to read the rest of my blogpost over at Catholicmom!

photo credit: https://lovepeaceprayers.com/

He Sees Us

 Lent creates a whole host of different emotions in my heart. It all depends on the year. Some years, I am feeling gung-ho and so ready to challenge myself to grow in all kinds of ways. Other years...not so much. This has been one of those "other years."

This year, I didn't even want to look at Lent. I feel like we've been doing Lent since November! Advent was so hard that my husband and I started calling it "Lent-vent." "Lent-vent" was followed up by a very hard time of grieving at the unexpected loss of a friend. The night of my friend's funeral, the first of our family came down with the norovirus. It was such a rough virus for us and took more than a month to work its way through our family, accompanying us through Ash Wednesday.

There was no excitement over Lent arriving for me this year. There was only exhaustion and burnout. I mostly ignored the fact that Lent was coming because I had no extra emotional space for anything. After the stress of the last few months, I would have been happy to just hibernate for the entirety of Lent and wake up on Easter!

Maybe you can relate?

....Please click here to finish reading my blog post on Catholicmom.com. 

photo credit: LovePeacePrayers.com

Love Them To The End

Life changing moments often come when you least expect it. 

There are times when life appears to be going along at a fairly controllable pace. Then something happens. In an instant, the fragility of life smacks you in the face and it becomes undeniably apparent that the control we seem to have is a complete illusion. 

Several days after Christmas, our daughter-in-law's mom had a scheduled surgery to replace a heart valve. Liz's mom had no other health issues, was in an excellent hospital with an excellent doctor, and all expectations were for a successful, uncomplicated surgery with a full recovery. At first, everything supported those expectations. Patti went through the surgery with no problems. She spent a couple of days in the ICU as was planned and then went to a regular room on the cardiac floor. Patti was making great progress. 

Until she wasn't. 

The day her doctor talked about sending her home, Patti collapsed. Patti's recovery was hijacked by massive blood clots that traveled to her heart, lungs and brain. Instead of going home that day, Patti spent the next 10 days in the ICU as doctors tried to save her life. It was a nightmare rollercoaster ride for her family as each day would bring small moments of hopeful news followed by devastating realities as the damage to her heart and her brain continued to unfold. As more and more damage was discovered, it became obvious that Patti could not be healed this side of Heaven. Patti passed into Eternity on Saturday, January 14th surrounded by her loving husband and daughters, and several other members of her family that were so incredibly supportive during the entire devastating journey. 

Patti was more than just my daughter-in-law's mom. Patti was also my friend. I've been blessed to know Patti for about 4 and a half years. Andrew and Liz had been dating for about 10 months when we got a chance to meet Patti, her husband, Chris, and Liz's sister, Tori.  They came to Andrew's college graduation party and from the moment we met them, they felt like family. Liz's family is kind, faithful, and genuine. They fit right in with all our friends and it felt like we had known them for a long time, even though we had just met. When Andrew and Liz got engaged only a few months later, it truly felt that we were combining our whole families. It was an incredible blessing for all of us.

Those last ten days of Patti's life were incredibly painful for me. As a mom, my heart was just breaking for Liz and Tori and the grief they were carrying. As a wife, my heart ached for what Chris was facing. As a friend, I was grieving hard at the thought of Patti not being a part of my life. 

Patti just had so much more life to live...especially with a little grandson that she DELIGHTED in and another grandbaby on the way. I cannot emphasize enough how much pure joy Patti felt at being a "Gramma". Patti lived her whole life for love of her family. You could see it in her body language, hear it in her voice, and feel it in the acts of love that she showed to all those she cared about. Patti loved with her whole heart and her family was everything. I saw it in the way she cared for her dying brother alongside her sisters. I saw it in the joy of being in the presence of her sisters and their love of each other. I heard it in the way she spoke with such love and happiness for her niece, all of her nephews and their wives and children. I saw it in the pure love and acceptance she had for her special needs nephew, Stephen. I saw it in the happiness she shared in at the weddings and receptions of my other son and daughter. Patti was just filled with life and joy. Everyone that knew her experienced it and were touched by it.  

As the stress and bad news increased in the last week of Patti's life, I was blessed to be able to spend some extra time with Patti's family. I drove up to Patti and Chris' house a couple of times to spend part of the day with Xavier while everyone went to the hospital. As often happens in tragic situations, the desire to do something to help carry a loved one's burden was so strong. Just as strong was the helplessness of how little I could actually do. What I could do was be emotionally present-especially with the deep grief everyone was carrying, bring and prep food for dinner and for snacks when they had family and friends stop by, and do dishes and other simple tidying around the house.(Xavier was always enthusiastically encouraging me to vacuum the family room. Apparently that's his new favorite chore.:) It felt like so little, but it was a way to show how much I care for all of them and to lighten the burden they all carried in some very small way.

I was so grateful just be able to "do" something. I did find it really hard to be in Patti's home. There was a feeling of intruding in the sacred space of another woman's kitchen when I was rifling through drawers trying to find measuring spoons or a can opener. I know if she was there, any question would have been answered in seconds and the necessary tool pulled out of the proper place. Without that familiarity, I was left to search and apologize in my head to Patti for stepping into her domain. I know that Patti knows that I was just trying to love and care for her family as she would, but it still felt wrong.

The first day that I watched Xavier was the day that the family had a big meeting with all of Patti's different doctors who each gave a thorough report and their opinions on her prognosis. It was that day that the yo-yo of emotions started to settle as it became more apparent that, without a miracle, Patti was not going to survive. There was much grief, but there was a peace that descended on Patti's family that was completely missing when I arrived that morning. I held a sleeping Xavier when Chris texted me the details of that meeting. As they drove home, I sobbed. I cried for the loss they were all facing. I cried for the coming loss of my friend. I cried that I was sitting on Patti's couch, in her home, holding our precious, sleeping grandson. She should have been the one there enjoying that peaceful moment. I felt so much guilt over that. My heart was just breaking.

Even within all the grief and loss of those hard 10 days, there was even more love. There was an incredible outpouring of prayers from family and friends. There was a constant presence of support from family and friends at the hospital and at their home. Chris' sister, her husband, her daughter, one of her sons and his fiance were at the hospital multiple times. They all came to the house multiple times with food and the desire to spend time with Chris and the girls and show them as much support as they could. Two of Patti's sisters came to be with Liz's family as well, and many of her nephews and their families drove for hours to be at the wake and funeral of their beloved aunt. Chris' best friend, John, made many supportive visits. He and his wife, Nancy, even opened up their beautiful home to host the reception after the burial. The outpouring of love and generosity was awe inspiring. The support that carried Chris, Liz and Tori was faith in action. God's presence in the midst of heartache and tragedy was felt through the outpouring of love from so many family and friends. It reminded me of this quote from St. Teresa of Avila:

"Christ has no body but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which Christ looks old
His compassion on this world,
Yours are the feet with which He walks to do good,
Yours are the hands, with which He blesses all the world.
Yours are the hands, yours are the feet,
Yours are the eyes, you are His body.
Christ has no body now but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
compassion on this world.
Christ has no body now on earth but yours."

— St. Teresa of Ávila

Through these very hard moments, I got to see the kind of man my son, Andrew, has become. The care and attention that he showed to his wife, his son, and his in-laws made both Jay and I so proud. Andrew and Liz temporarily moved into Chris and Patti's home to be as supportive as they could for Chris and Tori. Andrew was driving all of them back and forth to the hospital every, emotionally filled day. Most days, Andrew had Xavier with him and kept him occupied while everyone spent time with Patti and met with the doctors for updates. (And Xavier was such a source of consolation for his grandpa and auntie. At 18 months old, Xavier doesn't understand what's going on, so his happy smiles and hugs were a much needed balm to hurting hearts.) Andrew made sure everyone was drinking water and eating meals...especially his pregnant wife. But most importantly, he was incredibly emotionally present and supportive, not only to Liz, but also to both Chris and Tori. In one of the hardest moments of his young adult life, Andrew leaned in to his faith and that Grace helped him to support his family throughout the entire difficult time. Seeing his care for all of them just touched my heart. #proudmamamoment

I feel like I got to share in a "highlight reel" of Patti's life in some ways. I know that she certainly had crosses to carry in the time I have known her, but we got to share so many amazing memories. Watching the beautiful video that Chris and Tori put together for Patti's wake, I was brought back to one of the most joy-filled moments of both of our lives as Liz walked out of the bedroom in her wedding dress for the first time. I also saw the picture of us from the night Andrew and Liz announced that Xavier was on the way. I will never forget Patti's hands as she hurriedly tried to rip the wrapper off of the special fortune cookies Liz and Andrew had ordered or her voice as she asked/exclaimed to Liz, "Are you pregnant!?!?" as it slowly dawned on all of us that something really special was being announced.  I will never forget the night that Liz went into labor and Patti and I spent the entire night going back and forth with Andrew and each other as we waited for the news that our grandchild had arrived and mama and baby were both ok. 

I found myself feeling incredibly grateful to God for the gift that Patti was. I'm grateful that she and Chris were open to life and brought two beautiful, loving daughters into the world. I'm grateful that God chose their daughter and our son for each other and brought both of our families together. I'm grateful for all the wonderful moments we shared. I'm just so tremendously sad that there won't be more.

Patti's wake and funeral Mass were truly a celebration of a beautiful life filled with love. Though wrapped in deep grief, there were moments of just pure beauty that I will carry with me for a long time. I wish it wouldn't have been a completely inappropriate moment to take a picture, because watching Liz, Andrew and Liz's dad and sister walking up the church aisle behind the casket holding each other's hands linked in support for strength and love was just incredibly touching and beautiful. Their hearts were broken and hurting but their love for Patti and each other, while being lifted by the prayers of everyone present (and even those who weren't), gave them the strength to endure the hardest day of their lives. 

Patti's pastor knew Patti and her family well. Fr. Larry gave a beautiful, tear inducing homily about the faithful, loving wife and mother Patti was. You could see that Patti's unexpected call home had really affected him. Three and a half years ago, Fr. Larry had concelebrated Andrew and Liz's wedding. He has an amazing voice, and I remember how excited Patti was that he agreed to sing the Ave Maria during the wedding ceremony. At the end of the funeral Mass, Fr. Larry walked off of the alter, stood right in front of Patti's casket, and sang that beautiful song just for her. I don't think there was a dry eye in the church, but it was so touching. It was just another example of how the love that Patti exuded in her life inspired everyone around her to love in return.

It seems so surreal that Patti is really gone. How can a person that was so full of life and love not be with us anymore? How can a person that is still so needed by her family not survive? Sometimes life just doesn't make sense. 

Patti's death has affected me greatly. I know I'm blessed to have lived this long without facing the grief of losing a friend, but it's still really hard. Everything feels different. I feel like my perspective has shifted. How can you not be affected when someone close to you passes away and it highlights the finiteness of our existence in this life?

Patti's death has triggered a good amount of fear and anxiety that I've had to work through.(and am still working through...) Her death has also brought up a lot of questions to ponder; such as, How can I live my life more intentionally? What do I want to focus on at this point in my life? Are there things in different areas of my life that need to be changed or tweaked in order to live more intentionally? Do I have any real goals for this season of my life? What are steps I need to take to reach those goals?

Can you tell that I'm in the "mid-life crisis" zone of life? Or, as Matthew Kelly calls it, "mid-life opportunity."

Life is passing by so quickly. I don't want to waste it. The path is changing as we get older and our kids grow up and start lives of their own...I haven't figured out exactly which way my new path is heading. It's hard to feel lost...and it's uncomfortable. It's an opportunity to grow and to stretch, but it feels pretty torturous when you're stuck in the messy middle of change.

Though the path certainly doesn't feel very clear right now, my ultimate life goal is summed up in John 13:1. 

"...Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, 
having loved his own who were in the world, 
he loved them to the end."

Love our own in this world and love them to the end....that's certainly what Patti did.

This is Tori, Chris, Patti and Liz celebrating with us at Sarah's wedding in August.
I can't believe we had to say goodbye to her just five months later....
I'm so grateful that Patti was a part of our lives.

Isaiah 40, Desert Wanderings, and Punctuation

During Advent, which honestly felt so much like Lent that Jay and I started calling it "Lentvent" and the "Lentiest Advent ever",  there was a particular scripture that caught my eye. It really struck me and I spent the rest of Advent and the Christmas Season with it mulling around in my head. I wanted to write a blogpost about it before Christmas, which I started doing, but it felt clunky and I just had such little time to write that I never finished it. I considered that it might be something to ponder on my own, but I'm still thinking about it all these weeks later. And even though it's clearly no longer Advent..or Christmas...I think that it's still relevant. (Hopefully you do too!)

One particular line caught my eye from the reading of the day back in mid December. The structure of the sentence was actually different than I always thought it was. It made me think of this meme: 

Photo credit: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/540291286521991058/

The scripture was from Isaiah 40:1...

"A voice cries, "In the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord, 

Make straight in the desert a highway for our God."

When I hear that verse read out loud, I always thought it went, "A voice cries in the wilderness, prepare the way of the Lord..." And it actually does in the Gospels, which I discovered as Advent went on.(See Mt 3:3, Mark 1:3, Luke 3:4, and John 1:23)  

Do you see the subtle difference in the comma placement? It just really jumped out at me when I read it. I've thought about it almost every day since then, mostly trying to figure out why this small punctuation change struck me so much. Here's what I've figured out so far.

The way I always heard the verse when it was read in the Gospel readings, "A voice cries in the wilderness, prepare the way of the Lord", always spoke of John the Baptist.  He was the voice crying in the wilderness, (literally), for people to repent. As can happen when you hear a certain scripture verse over and over again, that one was easy to just gloss over. It was quickly dismissed from my head..."that's just the one about John the Baptist trying to get people ready for Jesus." 

But seeing a simple comma placement changed all that.

When I read Isaiah 40:1-11, it made me think in a whole new way. 

"A voice cries, "In the wilderness, prepare the way of the Lord...." Isaiah 40:3

(emphasis mine)

Let's start with the part of the sentence that I highlighted, "In the wilderness". We are supposed to prepare the way of the Lord in the wilderness. What does that mean? When I see "wilderness" in the Bible, I automatically think of the Israelites wandering around in the desert wilderness for 40 years until they were able to enter the Promised Land because of their unbelief and lack of trust in the God who freed them from slavery in Egypt. During Advent, I happened to be reading a book called Just Rest by Sonja Corbitt. The book is a a study about the spiritual lessons from the Israelites' Exodus and how to apply those lessons to our own desert, (or wilderness), areas that we have in our own lives. I highly recommend it. (Quick tangent: I got to hear Sonja at a Women's Conference in the Fall and she was amazing. She also has a podcast called the Bible Study Evangelista that I also love and would recommend checking out.)

So what's our wilderness? Well, our wilderness is the broken places, the unhealed places, that we all have in our hearts. It's the areas in our lives where we struggle to trust God and where we rely on ourselves to get what we need because we think that's the only way we will be filled. Our wilderness is the places where we have put up walls around our hearts because life has been hard and we have believed the lie that only we can protect ourselves. Our wilderness is the broken family relationships, the broken friendships, the sins we struggle to let go of, the way of grief when we have lost someone that we love, the unhealed trauma and anything else that keeps us from living fully and authentically.

"A voice cries: "In the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord,

make straight in the desert a highway for our God." Isaiah 40:3 

These words of Isaiah are a direction for us. They are an encouragement. God knows what we are going through and He is coming to us. He wants to heal us, forgive us, and bless us. He wants to fill us with all that we need. We are not forgotten or abandoned. But we need to be open to Him. We need to "prepare the way" in our hearts to let Him in. We need to put down our defenses and our self sufficiency and all the unhealthy ways, (big and small), that we self protect and trust that He will come and take care of our needs. (And, wow, is that so NOT easy!!)

That Isaiah verse reminds me of Hebrews 12:13. 

"and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint 

but rather be healed."

How we act and react in times of hardship and pain can make us more predisposed to healing or make everything even harder for us in the long run. (I, unfortunately, have more experience with the latter.)\

Because after we "prepare a way for the Lord", what happens next?

"Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low;

the uneven ground shall become level, and the rough places a plain.

And the glory of the lord shall be revealed..." Isaiah 40:4-5

God will take away the obstacles, He will heal our grief and brokenness. His Grace and Mercy will be apparent to us. But it will most likely happen in the desert, because in the desert, God is teaching us trust and reliance on Him and a whole slew of other lessons that aren't easy to learn in the moment but make us stronger, more loving people in the long run.

God wants us to bring our needs to Him, and then He wants us to trust Him to take care of them. He doesn't expect me to find my own way out of the wilderness...that's His job, not my job. My job is to remain open, to be patient, and to watch for Him. God always gives us the next step. It might take longer than we would like, it will most likely involve people we don't expect that help us along the way, and it might be a path that isn't our preference, but He will show us the way. Our job in the wilderness is to "prepare the way of the Lord", and that starts with the disposition of our hearts.  

Sonja says in Just Rest, "Needs are an invitation to experience God's love and provision, and to overcome our bondage to fear and bitterness." 

I just automatically want to look at that word "need" and turn it into "needy", which is such a negative connotation. The world..and the devil...lie to us. They tell us that "I" can do it all and "I" can have it all and I..I..I..I..I. But we were made for a purpose and for relationship and yes, God gave us needs. And those needs are good and necessary because it lets each of us be a conduit of God's Grace and Love to our family, our friends, and even to strangers that God places in our path. 

With age brings wisdom, (at least sometimes!), and I've learned more often than naught to realize when I'm stuck in the wilderness. Unfortunately, I still find myself wandering around my personal deserts complaining like the Israelites instead of relying on God and being in awe of all the ways that He provides for me every.single.day. I'm stuck looking at my circumstances, trying to figure out my own way out, and not preparing a way for God to have access to my heart and my problems. Reflecting on Isaiah 40 is helping me to lean into my desert experience and to wait on God. It's going to help build my "trust muscle" which, between you and me, needs a lot of work. 

(Another important thing that I've learned is that I don't want to be stuck in my deserts longer than I have to be!  I want to learn the lessons and get to the milk and honey...or maybe hot chocolate and cheesecake.) 

If I had to give a "cliff notes" version of what I've learned it's this: 

less self reliance and more reliance on God.....

.....And, of course, that commas are very important!