The Art Of Letting Go, Grieving, and Perspective...

The calendar has turned to August, and despite my internal protests, I have no choice but to face the countdown that I have tried to avoid in my head since summer began.

August is always a bittersweet month for me. I am one of those moms that loves to have my children around me and the impending first day of school always brings with it feelings of sadness for me. This year, those feelings are magnified 100 fold...or at least that’s the way my heart feels!

In less than 2 weeks, two more of our sons will be moving out. Andrew, who graduated in May and began his first real full time job at the beginning of July, will be moving in with one of his best friends since high school. It’s only about 25 minutes away and will cut his commute time to his job to less than half the time it takes from home.

It’s a big step for him...and for us.

In only 3 days(!), Jon will be heading to grad school over 2 hours away. Visits will be limited to a couple weekends a month and school vacations. This time away has a bigger meaning because it’s more like a weaning process for us. With a wedding date set for May 24, 2020, he will never move back into our house as a full time resident again.

It’s a big step for him...and for us.

I am truly excited for both of them as they take such big steps in their personal lives.  But I would be lying if I said that it didn’t hurt. It hurts a lot. I am laboring to let go of the spot they have held in my heart and our home as children and trying to comprehend this new relationship and our new rolls that we will have with these upcoming life changes. The waiting and the countdown to the day they both actually leave and the change it will bring to our lives is like giving birth all over again. When this “emotional labor” of the countdown to moving day ends, I don’t get a beautiful snugly baby to hold in my arms!

We have spent over 20 years nurturing these sons of ours. There have been good days and bad days. There are decisions we have made that we would do differently if we had the knowledge and hindsight we have now. We are not perfect parents and they are not perfect children. But we are very proud of the young men they have become and the choices they have made so far in their lives. Their stepping out of our fold and starting their own independent lives is only filled with sadness because of the hole it will leave in our family. For that, I am very grateful.

It’s just a chest filling grief that our family life as we know it is ending...and I’m just not ready. And I’m blessed because I still have several younger kids in the house, but part of me is only thinking that I am going to have to go through this over and over (and over and over) again. These children who grew in my body and I gave birth to, the thousands and thousands of hours spent nursing, rocking, walking, caring for and loving, are moving on and all that’s left is grief and loss.
Melodramatic....maybe...but the feelings are real!

It’s a big step for us...and one I'd rather not take right now. It’s yet another thing not in my control. I’m trying to focus on being grateful for the gifts they have been in our lives and not on the fact that I will have to do this letting go thing again. I know it’s a gift to have all these children. With so many you would think a few moving out wouldn’t matter...but it really does.

Two weeks ago, I got to go to a daily Mass on my own in a different parish. The priest celebrating Mass was a retired priest that we know. I was very melancholy and emotional that day. I was having trouble with "leaking eyes". After Mass, the priest was talking to another family sitting behind me and also said hello to me and asked about my family. My eyes watered, but I was able to hold back the tears while explaining I had two heading out of the house. The priest mentioned that he was from a family of 7 and when he asked his mom when they were down to 4 left at home if she liked that things were a little easier and less crowded she replied, "I miss things the way they were."

It helps to know that you aren't alone in your feelings.

It's been an emotional summer for me living with this internal countdown and trying to work through all my feelings. I've been doing lots of praying...and lots of crying...and some days I have felt like I just can't get out of my own way and long to feel more "normal" and think "why can't I just deal with all the changes and stop having so many bloody emotions!"

And then comes perspective...

Recently, we found out that one of the staff at the high school most of my kids have gone to had thier 20 year old son, Lucas,  that was diagnosed with cancer. Jon knows Lucas and his sister was in Sarah's graduating class. I feel so incredibly horrible for this family. In a moment, they went from planning a summer vacation to putting sophomore year of college on hold and facing 6 rounds of chemotherapy treatment. I can only imagine the fears that are bouncing in their minds about what the future holds. Such a big cross for this loving, faith filled family.

My cross seems a little less heavy when I think of what Lucas' family is going through. It also helps that now my grief and suffering from the change and separation will have a purpose...I will be offering it for Lucas and his family. It gave me some good perspective and helped to calm my typhoon of grief into the tropical storm size that it really is.

For all of you moms that are getting ready to drop off your babies..err young adults...off at college or facing a big life change, just know that you aren't alone. The sadness will calm down(eventually) and our lives will settle into a "new normal" as our homes and hearts adjust. Text messages and phone calls will be little treasures...and face time is even better! While our young adults will enjoy their new freedom...and adjust to the new stress of life in a different world where they are responsible for themselves...they will become much more appreciative of the home cooked meals, comfortable beds, and having people that care for them when they come back to visit.

And, if you think of it, please say a prayer for Lucas and his family. Us moms have to stick together!

See you on the other side!

When Special Is Not Such A Bad Thing After All...

On July 31st, we celebrated Peter's 17th birthday!! It’s hard to believe that it was 17 years ago that they laid him in our arms for the first time!! 

The early years with Peter, who was diagnosed with Autism at 27 months, were filled with SO many challenges....trying to keep an incredibly impulsive escape artist safe,(I still have ptsd from the day he got out of his car seat for the first time when I was driving on the highway and got to the very back of the van laughing maniacally!!), survive his horrible sleep problems, (years of waking up multiple times a week for hours at a time), and the challenge to do everything we could to help Peter be the best person he could be while grieving and letting go of all the hopes we had for him as a “neurotypical” family member.

Peter at 7 in one of his favorite places...the beach!

Now, the struggles are more like speed bumps and we are able to enjoy Peter for who he is. Peter brings love and joy and silliness to our family. He is a tease like Jon and knows just what buttons to press when someone is feeling frustrated. But, more importantly, Peter is very intuitive when someone is sad or hurting and is quick to try and give hugs to make someone feel better. 

Life with Peter includes:

~using up all the space on my phone taking hundreds of pictures of dinosaur balloons(there were 500 just from the week leading to his birthday!), his Southwest Airlines tshirts, miscellaneous calendars, and wedding dresses.

~obsessing over doing laundry. I know some of you are reading this wishing that your teenager obsessed over laundry. And while it's true that I never have to worry about the laundry being done every day, it can be frustrating when Peter wants to do more laundry than we have and starts taking clean laundry from other people's rooms to try and do another load. Or stuffs his clean laundry into a load that is already running!

~Peter used to love swimming 24/7 all summer long until he turned into a teenager. Now, he enjoys the pool but needs a little coaxing to go in. And he never puts his bathing suit on...he always wants to go in with all his clothes including his black socks. It's quirky but one of those "small potatoes" of parenting that I just laugh at!

~watching him act like the "mayor" at Church, saying hello and trying to shake hands with everyone. (Then quickly asking for hugs and for people to "tickle my neck"!) 

~seeing how family members, friends and strangers can show such kindness to Peter with a kind word, a smile, or generously giving him one of those hugs I just mentioned.;)

~Peter may not be neurotypical, but he loves to try and get close to pretty girls! Especially in the summer when they are wearing tank tops...he had always love to see peoples' arms. He will hover around us until we take our eyes off him for a second and saunter up to a group of girls with a big, goofy smile on his face and say in an extra deep Peter voice, "Hi.." Most girls catch on pretty quickly that Peter has special needs, and most are super nice and say hello back with a big smile. (And then Peter adds a quick, "Shake my hand..give me a hug?!" At which point we remind him that we only hug our family and friends and steer him back towards the family!)

~the special bond between my dad, "Pa", and Peter. My dad is incredible with Peter. He takes him for rides all over the neighboring towns just because that's where Peter likes to go. He lets Peter sleep over every week on Fridays, and they often bake some kind of special treat together.(or head out for ice cream to the great local ice cream stores we are lucky to have!) Peter just loves to be with Pa...and asks to go over whenever he is home.

~Peter has a simple and beautiful spirituality. It has been such a blessing to have Peter receive the Sacraments over the years at his own pace. This year, he received Confirmation and it was a very special time for our family. 

Peter loves Disney World and Martha's Vineyard!
Those are his two favorite places in the world.
Another love is Southwest Airlines...note the shirt Peter is wearing...
 because that's how he gets to Orlando!

Life with Peter is certainly an adventure. Now that the next stepping stone is turning 18, we have to start navigating new paths for Peter and research things like guardianship and start to pray about how to best set up our lives to care for Peter in the future. These are heavy topics. It certainly makes me grateful for a big family. My prayer is that multiple siblings will be willing to help Peter during adulthood when Jay and I can't care for him on our own anymore.(which is hopefully a VERY long time in the future!) 

We hope and pray for Peter to be the best version of himself and to be surrounded with love all his life.The details might be different compared to the rest of our crew, but that's really what we hope for all of our children.

 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 

plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

Shattered Glass: Tread Lightly

Everyone feels broken sometimes.

When I was around 8, I remember standing in our kitchen holding my dad's sturdy, army green thermos. I dropped it and immediately heard the sound of shattering glass. I had no idea that the thermos had been insulated with glass! (I also remember my dad's patience with me and that he wasn't at all angry that I had just destroyed his fishing thermos of cocoa!) You couldn't tell the thermos was broken by looking at the outside of it. If you picked it up and shook it around though, you could hear the broken glass rattling around.

Sometimes I feel like that broken thermos. On the days when my hurts and brokenness are close to the surface, I feel like there is broken glass just rattling around inside of me.

On the really bad days, I feel certain that everyone can even hear it!

When I feel like I'm walking around with shattered glass on the inside, I tend to avoid people and drop off the map socially. It's isolating and just magnifies the sound of the inner brokenness ringing in my ears. Sometimes I think that part of me wants to hear the brokenness rattling around because putting on the facade of "being ok" is exhausting.

Some things I've learned about feeling broken over the years:

-It's always God that does the healing.

When I'm really struggling with emotional pain, I just want someone to fix it. But they can't. Sometimes God uses people to bring consolation in the midst of suffering. Their words or presence or prayers can bring a flicker of hope and respite from the pain, but is always God that brings the true healing.

-Trying to escape the pain just makes the situation worse.
It's totally natural when you are feeling broken to try and find some way to escape the pain. I can try to pretend it isn't there until it's so intense I can't ignore it.(I actually tried this with the physical pain of contractions during my labor with Andrew. As you can guess, it didn't work at all!)
I can try and stuff the pain in an emotional closet and lock the door, but it always avalanches eventually and makes an even bigger mess.(Emotional clutter is an ugly thing!) I can try to take the edge off of it by eating whatever makes me feel good at the moment but just ends up adding self loathing to the mix.(I may have some personal experience with this one as well!)

-Acknowledging your feelings and waiting on God is hard work!
Being willing to look inside yourself and acknowledge all those difficult feelings is not easy.  It's in the acknowledgement of the brokenness and asking for God's help that we are truly able to work through the issues that are causing us such pain. Being willing to ask God for help and wading through that emotional hurt while God unravels and heals the brokenness is not easy. It takes time. I don't know about you, but waiting is not something I'm good at!(especially when I'm hurting)

-Don't stare at the waves, keep your eyes on Jesus.
In the waiting, there are all kinds of doubts that creep up and whisper in our ear...or echo loudly in our head: "What if this never goes away?" "What if this is all there is?" "Do I matter enough for God to help me?" It's so hard to trust in God's love and his timing when all you see is nothingness.

-Finding, and holding onto, the small, every day graces.
Maybe it's a kind gesture from your spouse, your child, or a friend. Maybe it's a smile or a kind word from a stranger. Maybe its a beautiful flower blooming in your yard or an eye catching bird that perches on your window. Maybe it's a song that comes on the radio or an article that you find in your inbox. These little signal graces are good distractions to keep yourself from focusing on the darkness. They are always there, we just need the eyes to see them. They are little reminders of God's presence and love when it's hard to see or feel Him.

- Offering your suffering for other's suffering.
It's not hard to find a family member, friend, or stranger going through something hard, too. (Just hang out on social media for about 5 minutes!) Offering up your suffering for other people gives it some meaning and purpose while you're waiting for healing. It's another way to keep yourself feeling trapped just looking at your own darkness.

-Lean on a friend.
Look around at the people that God has put in your life...and reach out to them. Let them encourage you. One of the biggest tricks of the enemy is to get you to believe the lie that you are alone---isolated people are easier to pick off. Don't fall into that trap. Stay connected and be vulnerable to a friend or friend group you can trust. Just knowing you have people caring about you and praying for you makes that brokenness a little bit lighter.

-Seek professional help.
A good Catholic or Christian therapist can help you work through some issues faster than doing it on your own. Knowing you have support and a safe place to be honest about your feelings and thoughts is important when you're struggling to work through issues that are making life a struggle.

-Christian music can be like a balm to your soul and some songs can touch your emotions so deeply that it feels cathartic. Songs can lift you up or help you to have a good cry...and sometimes a "good" ugly cry is a necessary thing!

-Ask God to put a good book in your path that will help you. I've read many books over the years that held answers and encouragement just when I needed them. Flipping through my journal earlier today, I found a quote I wrote down from the book Unseen:
"When we acknowledge the parts of us that are broken, we have significant growth spurts in God...the long broken parts of me don't disqualify me from His love. Instead, they catch His eye. He heals us-from the inside out."

-Always look for the open window when a door closes.
God gave me a little visual on this several weeks ago that I wrote about here.
Too often, I spend time staring at the darkness of a closed door and wanting it to open again. I have it set in my head what will make me feel better and take away the hurt and I'm focused on God answering my prayers in my way and in my timing. "God's ways are not our ways" and I trap myself in my suffering for longer than I have to staring at a closed door when God has a much better window open right behind me. Moral of the story...when life hits a road block, always look around for God to open a better path.

All of the above are just my own personal thoughts that come out of my own experiences and some honest hours spent journaling. I have some ideas about how to be a good friend to someone who is going through difficult times that I will share in a separate post coming soon. 

Summer, Please Slooooow Down!

I cannot believe that it is already July! I'm linking up with This Ain't the Lyceum for 7 Quick Takes Friday!

1. Family Time

Jay had the last week of June off and we spent 5 days of it in New Hampshire. For several years I have wanted to take the little kids to Story Land. We had taken our older crew a couple of times when they were younger, so I wanted Kate and Luke to have the experience, too. My best intentions always got pushed aside by budget constraints...but this year I was determined! Luke will be 9 next month and we are getting close to missing the Story Land window! On Black Friday this year, I bought the tickets online. I was committed! 

2. StoryLand: Past and Present

I took lots of pics as usual that I haven't even sorted through, yet. But one of the favorite pics I took was to recreate a pic we took about 12 years ago. Not a perfect recreation...but I still love it!

Mike, Andrew, Jon, and Sarah circa 2004

Peter, Ellie, Luke and Kate 2018

 Ellie was a good sport for the day. One of her goals was to get a "re-do" picture on the Bamboo Chutes. We have one from when she was around 5 making the funniest face that Jon...loving brother that he is...tormented her with over the years! Now she has a picture she can be proud of...and it will be Kate and Luke that will want the "re-do" pic! (Despite their faces, Kate and Luke loved the ride and asked to go on twice!:)

3. Hikes and Waterfalls

Our favorite spot this trip was Diana's Baths. It was the first time we had been and it was just so serene and beautiful! 

Andrew and Liz

Luke...as we were telling him to be careful bc it was slippery!

5 seconds later!

looking sheepish

Thankfully, Luke has a good self image and can laugh at himself!

Ellie having a quiet moment

Kate exploring

Peter playing at the top of one of the small waterfalls

Miss Sarah

Posing for mom

4. "Not The Whole Family" Time

Not all the kids could come on the trip...Mike and Jon had to work after traipsing around Ireland. (Yeah, I didn't really feel bad for them, either!). Sarah, Andrew, and his girlfriend, Liz, joined us a couple days into the trip. So for Story Land we had a small family of 4 kids!

It did feel really strange. And I have to admit that it made me a little sad...and at times a lot sad..at how our family is changing. Joy mixed with grieving. I think my internal countdown of Jon heading to grad school in mid August is ticking a little loud for my emotions. I want this summer to go extra slow and pack as much in as possible and it feels like it's just speeding by! Jay gets one more week off this summer in August...and it happens to coincide that the last day of his vacation is the day Jon leaves. I'm just really not looking forward to the change. I'm trying really hard to just stay in the moment and enjoy the time we have...but it isn't easy and it doesn't always work!

5. First Sleepover

Luke had his first non grandparent sleepover with his cousin, Brayden, last night! He had SO much fun! He woke up super early because he was in a different bed, and crashed with a nap this afternoon. He hasn't napped in years! lol

6. Another Taste of Small Family Life

It just continues to be busy around here with people going in all different directions. Last night, Sarah, Ellie, Jon and Marisa all went to the Vineyard with my Mom. Since Luke had a sleepover, that left us with only Kate, Peter and Andrew at home! So.So.Strange! Andrew and Liz headed to the Vineyard this morning, so we will be a family of 5 for the next couple of days!

7. Have a Great Weekend!

Reflections From a Little Bird

A couple of weeks ago, I was visiting my grandfather at his assisted living complex. Before getting to the main doors, you walk through one of two openings that bring you to a covered two story entryway. The entryway is extra bright because the second story of the entryway has a few windows that let in lots of natural light.

view of one of the entryway openings from outside the building

view from the inside of the entryway looking out

On that particular day, as I walked into the covered entryway, I heard very loud chirping. Looking up, I saw a panicked little bird that kept flying up against a closed window trying to get back out to the clear blue sky. Clearly, this poor bird was very distressed. Multiple times it flew up and around only to come back to rest on the sill of the window. The bird thought it was trapped! In reality, all the bird had to do was fly down just a few feet where the two large openings would give it the freedom it sought.

Poor bird on the windowsill longing for outside!

How close it was to actual freedom!

I wish I could have found a way to lead that little bird out of its self inflicted prison!
The good news...I returned later that day to bring my grandfather his pills and the bird was gone.
Hopefully it didn't take it too long to figure out how to escape!

What an amazing visual example to something that has happened over and over again in my life! How many times have I "banged my head" emotionally against the closed window of circumstances in my life? How many times have I been so caught up in my feelings of being trapped in a particular struggle or situation and unable to figure it out myself? How many times have I struggled unnecessarily for longer than I needed to because I kept trying to get through that closed window when God had a perfectly good doorway for me to go through?

The answer is way too many times!

If you find yourself completely stuck in an area of your life right now and feel like you're trapped, give yourself an emotional time out and take a moment to pray. You never know, God might have a totally different doorway for you to walk through....

My Baby Is Growing Up!

For weeks, Kate has be SO excited to get to today! Graduation Day for Kindergarten! Honestly, this year has gone by so fast and I'm not sure that I'm up for yet another milestone for our family. Particularly because this is the last Kindergarten graduation for our family. Every "absolute last" is always bittersweet..especially for this mama! No matter how much I try and try to slow down time, it just keeps on going!

A few cute "she saids" re: graduation:

This morning, Kate woke up extra early and ran into my bedroom saying, "Did you forget what today is?!?" To which I assured her I remembered and was very excited for her big day!

Yesterday she told me that her graduation started at "9am sharp!", which included a finger wag and a very serious expression.

Before she left for school this morning:
Kate: Make sure you sit on the aisle!
Me: Why?
Kate: You want me to give you a hug when I walk in for my graduation, right?!
Me:(Heart Melting) Of course! (and yes, I did sit on the aisle and she did stop her very cute, exaggerated 'right, together, left' walk to lean over and give me a big hug!)

Between dropping Kate off at school and the graduation time, I was able to sneak in a very short visit at adoration. I spent the time thanking God for Kate and the blessing that she is to our lives and praying for her future. This surprise bonus, bonus baby...and that's not a typo since Luke was our first surprise bonus baby...is just such a spot of joy in our lives. And though my heart breaks just a little at all these lasts, I can truly say that we are "ending on a good note" with this special little girl.

***On a side note, all the Kindergarten students' graduation caps were made by our beloved parishioner Mrs. Ledoux, who turned 101 last month!!! Mrs. Ledoux has been making the graduation caps for 65 years...35 years as the Kindergarten teacher at St Francis(my teacher,too!)  and every year after that. This amazing lady still stops in at the school office about once a week to lend a hand!

Kate the graduate!

All serious in the procession...and right before my hug!

Kate, Luke and Sarah

Daddy and his little girl

My parents with Kate

Jay's Mom with Kate

Kate with Mrs. O, the nicest Kindergarten aide ever!

Kate with her teacher, Mrs. Jason. She had a great year!

The happy graduate

Group selfie with my baby

Bring on summer!

Goodbye, May!

May has been a month just chock full of milestones to our family! My heart is full....but my mind is very tired and I could truly use a couple of "do nothing" days to recharge! I definitely need to fit that in very soon!

I haven't joined in with 7 Quick Takes for a while, but it felt like a great way to wrap up May and jump into a new month.

So, without further ado....

#1 Celebrating Sacraments

Within a four day span, we celebrated two Confirmations and a First Communion!

Ellie and Peter

Luke

#2 Engagement!

My son, Jon, got engaged! We love his fiance, Marisa, and are super excited to enter this new stage in our life! The wedding date has been set! May 24, 2020! I share my thoughts on growing our family in a whole new way in this post. If you want the scoop on the details of engagement day and the surprise party we threw that night you can find that here!

Jon and Marisa

#3 Graduation Day

The day after Jon got engaged, both Jon and his brother, Andrew, graduated from college! Andrew graduated with a degree in computer science and has a full time job starting as soon as his background check goes through at the Underwater Naval Warfare Center, which is a great opportunity for him! Jon was fortunate to get an internship position and is pursuing a Master's Degree in ocean engineering from UNH come fall. 

Jay and I are very proud of both of them and can't believe that two more of our children are launching into adulthood!

#4:Mother's Day

The day after the graduation, which was the day after the engagement/party was Mother's Day. As you can imagine, I was pretty exhausted after two crazy and incredible days back to back. After a very nice, laid back potluck brunch with both our mothers and two of our sisters hosted by my sister-in-law, the only thing I wanted was to sit on the couch, take a nap, take a walk, not do any dishes all day and get pizza for dinner.  I'm happy to say that all my wishes came true that day and I was truly spoiled by all of my kids...and my hubby! 

#5: Catching Up With Friends

Some good friends that moved to Tennessee about 12 years ago came up for a visit. They have family in the area, but we haven't seen them in four years. It was great to catch up and the hours passed way too quickly!

Kate and Luke with Kolbe and Julia, who are also my God children:)

#6 Birthday Girl

Sarah turned 19 this month! I still have no idea how that could be possible! Poor Sarah, by the time we got to the 19th we were partied out and "caked" out. Thankfully, Sarah enjoyed her more low key birthday and asked for homemade strawberry shortcake for dessert.(She loves biscuits!) Andrew's girlfriend, Liz, came over as well as Marisa and the night was spent with our teens and young adults playing lots of games together. I do love a full house!

Happy Birthday, Sarah

We also celebrated the Anniversary of Therese's birth. It's hard to believe that it's been 20 years since we held her in our arms for those brief 16 days. We went and picked out flowers after Mass to make a bouquet and asked our pastor if we could place the flowers in a vase under the Divine Mercy picture in our parish. A very simple thing, but it made me feel good to honor her memory with Jay and some of her siblings.

#7: World Travellers, Field Trips, and Baseball games (oh,my)

My parents took Sarah and Jon to London and then a 5 day cruise that made stops in France, where they took an excursion to Normandy, and then Cork, Ireland. The cruise was a gift to Jon for his graduation and Sarah was invited to tag along! (Andrew is not a cruise type of guy so he got a different graduation gift!) Sarah LOVED the macaroons in France and they were both really moved in their visit to Normandy. (My grandfather was in a supply boat during the D Day battle, so there was a special connection for them as they visited the Omaha Beach.) 

Sarah and Jon on London Bridge..I asked Jon is he sang the song.(He did:)

Sarah with her macaroon

My parents and Sarah fly home today, while Jon is flying to Ireland to spend a couple of weeks touring the country on a trip he worked all last summer to save for. Mike is flying out tonight to meet Jon in Dublin for 10 days. On the home front, all these travels from my older kids means I've had to do lots more dishes(Ellie, too), walks with the dog, potty trips with the dog, taxi runs for kids and staples I forgot/ran out of, and had a house that feels very strange. 

The month also included a rafting trip for Jay and the high school youth group he runs(that Ellie is part of), a retreat day Jay ran for the 6th and 7th graders at our parish school, a much needed date night with another couple, a field trip for Kate, lots of baseball games for Luke, and probably a bunch of things I can't even remember! lol

Kate's field trip at the ocean on a beautiful Spring day!

Luke got his first Little League hit and was given the game ball!

Thank-you to May for holding all of these wonderful memories! June..you have some big shoes to fill!

Have a great weekend!