Finding Rest

I am blessed to belong to a Parish that has almost perpetual adoration. On Saturday mornings at 8am I have a scheduled hour. Every week, no matter how well I try to manage my time, I always end up running behind. I'm often hurrying up the church steps as the clock is chiming loudly, trying to make it to the top before it strikes the 8th ring. I feel like a backwards Cinderella every time it happens...she was running down the steps away from the prince while I'm running up the steps headed towards the King of Kings.

There's another area of life that makes me think of Cinderella. Remember the scene in the movie when all Cinderella wants to do is go to the ball? Her evil stepmother tells Cinderella that she can go but cunningly gives her a stipulation; only if your work is done and you have a proper dress to wear. The evil stepmother loads up Cinderella's to-do list to make it impossible for her to complete it all and alter her mother's old dress to be ready for the ball.

While I certainly don't have an evil stepmother or a fancy ball to attend, I often have an impossible to-do list. It's very easy for me to live unspoken stipulations that I have set for myself: "You can only have fun or relax once you get through this list." While on the surface that kind of thinking may sound like a way to create order and discipline in a busy, messy life, the reality is that it's the short cut to burnout. 

As a mom, my to-do list is never really done. As quickly as I cross off one item from my list I find a couple more things that need attention. I'm sure you already know this, but kids are messy! They create dirty dishes and dirty laundry at an astonishing rate! And spoiler alert for moms not at this stage yet...grandchildren are messy too! 

So how do we have a more healthy, balanced mindset when it comes to everything we feel that we need to accomplish without treating ourselves like the evil stepmother treated Cinderella? I think the first step is recognizing our inner thoughts and the way we talk to ourselves in our head. (Or sometimes out loud when we think no one else is around!) If I'm being honest, I don't treat myself very well most days. I can be a harsh taskmaster. I have a hard time relaxing when a lot of items on my list remain undone. Even when I do finally sit down at the end of the day, I find myself feeling lazy, incompetent and undeserving of rest. 

"Come to me, all who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon me and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; 

and you will find rest for yourself." Mt 11:28-29

This was the gospel at a recent weekend Mass and it always touches my heart. Why? Because I'm a mom (and a Grammy) always trying to make sure everyone feels loved and is fed well with a (somewhat) clean living environment. Most of the time, I feel like I'm not enough and I will never meet everyone's needs even at the expense of frequently ignoring the fact that I have needs of my own. There's a lot of "I's" in that sentence...and that's the whole problem.

"I'm" not supposed to be the one doing it all. Regardless of how I feel, it doesn't all depend on me. When I'm feeling like I'm carrying the weight of my little world on my shoulders, it's because I'm trying to do God's job. That's an impossible notion! Yet, my self reliance and pride seem to guide me down that wrong path more often than I would like to admit. My internal GPS needs some recalculating!

Jesus says "come to me" and "learn from me". He doesn't expect or want me to do everything on my own. He wants to help carry my burdens. He wants me to surrender my to do list to His will. Jesus wants me to learn how to live from Him. What does He teach us through His word and His saints? He shows us the importance of times of work, times of prayer, times of camaraderie, and times of rest. We need His truth... not the "truth" we create in our own heads!

The truth is that we are loved and worthy without our list, without our perfectly clean home, without our perfectly altered ball gowns. Cinderella was meant for the prince even when she was in rags. and we are always claimed by our King regardless of the tasks left on our to do list. We cheat ourselves out of a deeper relationship with God and truly becoming who we are meant to be because we let other distractions that seem to give us order and control in life get in the way. 

Try to spend a few minutes at some point today contemplating those areas where you feel overwhelmed. Are you bringing those areas to God and asking Him to guide you and help you carry the heavy load? Or are you white knuckling your way through, and losing a part of yourself in the process? Let's try to be open to the changes God might be asking from us. It's not easy, but remember His promise in Matthew:

"I will give you rest."

Kate from 2019...I miss when she liked to dress like a princess!

For the Mom Staring Down Summer Vacation

Summer vacation.

When you read those two words, what feelings start to bubble up in your heart? Excitement? Relief? Anxiety? A mix of lots of emotions?

While summer certainly has so much potential to spend extended time and make special memories with our kiddos, its also a time of change. The routines we've spent the last nine months working on and tweaking are ending. We are staring down the next ten-ish weeks of open time that needs to be planned and coordinated. That takes a lot of mental energy as we get ready to be bombarded by the daily question of, "So, Mom, what are we doing today?"

While we want to make great memories and enjoy this special time of year, we also need to keep our expectations realistic to ensure our sanity stays intact. We need to remember to pace ourselves. Having some sort of outline of what we would like the summer to look like with activities that are important to us and our family can help to avoid disappointment come mid-August that we didn't get to do what we had hoped to.

I think the first and most important step is taking into consideration what season of life you find yourself in. Moms with lots of littles will have a summer that looks very different from moms with school age kids. Not all good ideas will fit into your family life. You want to pick activities that set you up for success! When you find future activity ideas that aren't perfect for right now because of ages/circumstances, email yourself with "summer" in the subject line. Then you can pull them up next year easily! (I do the same thing when I find an idea for one of my kids for Christmas during the year. Otherwise, I would forget all about it!)

One of the things I started a few weeks ago was a "brainstorming list" that is on our fridge. Any idea I think of, my kids this of, or I see somewhere online gets put on the list. We are starting to figure out what fits into the calendar and the budget. They aren't all expensive activities or big adventures. Things like library visits, walking different local trails, trying out different beaches and playgrounds, sprinklers in the yard, game nights, s'mores nights, or sampling ice cream cones from different ice cream businesses don't cost much (or anything!) but add lots of fun!

We also have some day trip ideas...an inflatable park, a couple of museums, a drive-in movie theater. I'm working on planning a little road trip later in the summer, too. I think it will be to Hershey, PA and Gettysburg. (My 13-year-old loves history!) My husband enjoys watching the TV show Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, so we will attempt to find a couple of restaurants while we're away that Guy Fieri gave a thumbs-up to.

Setting up playdates for kids (and also for us moms) is always a favorite part of summer for my kids. Summer is also a perfect time to invite some friends over for a potluck dinner and let the kids all play while the grownups get to socialize. And don't forget to sprinkle in a few date nights with your spouse here or there, which can be a s simple as a walk around the neighborhood after it cools off or sitting by the fire after the kids go to sleep.

Make sure you create time for quiet and for slowing down and just being. Extra quiet reading with some fun books is something I'm looking forward to! (I already have some holds waiting for me at the library!) I will be adding in daily Mass a couple of days a week and doing a Bible study geared toward preteens/teens into our routine.

Pray for ideas...and just start listening and reading and googling. See what friends post on Facebook and Instagram. Encourage your kids to add their ideas when they come up with them.

Don't panic if you don't have a complete plan the first week of summer. That doesn't mean you're behind or that summer is ruined! (That's just perfectionism rearing its ugly head!) Use summer as an opportunity to strengthen your trust muscle by leaning into God and trusting Him to help you work out a plan, day by day and week by week, that's going to be best for your entire family.

And remember, sometimes plans need to change. Illness or a thunderstorm can wreak havoc on something your family was looking forward to. We are on week one of summer vacation and our plans have already been altered since we are caring for our almost 2 year old grandson while his new baby sister is spending some extended time in the NICU. And now our dog is sick so we have an unexpected vet visit that needs to be scheduled. #lifehappens

Sometimes kids (or moms) try to do too much in a week and we just need to punt an activity. Rest is important, too!

I would love to hear some of your favorite things to do and some of your summer wish list items. Sharing ideas is a blessing for everyone!

Happy Summer!

photo credit: LovePeacePrayers.com

It Has Not Happened To Me As I Expected

In the cycle of Mass readings, the first reading has been from the Book of Tobit the last few days. Each day that I've started the first reading, I feel a little bit of delight as I remember how much I like this particular Old Testament Book. It's not long...only 14 chapters total. I just really like the story and, spoiler alert, I especially love the happy ending.

The Book of Tobit is about, shockingly, a man named Tobit during the time of the Assyrian exile, and his wife and son, Tobias. Tobit became blind and is just waiting for death. He sends his son on a journey to get ten talents of silver that he had left in safe keeping with a far away relative. It ends up being a journey of faith and healing that Tobias takes, unknowingly, with St. Raphael. At the same time, it is also about one of Tobit's relatives named Sarah, who is a young woman that has been married seven times but a demon has killed each of her husbands on their wedding night before the marriage can be consummated. 

Just a little light reading!! (Good thing I gave you that spoiler alert, right?!?)

Today's reading focused on 3:1-11,16-17. In these verses, both Tobit and Sarah in their respective cities(villages?) are feeling crushed by their individual crosses. Both pray...starting with proclaiming God's righteousness and begging for His Mercy. Both beg for death. They are both filled with so much pain that they see no other way out.

While our visiting priest went on to give what I'm sure was a very interesting homily focused on the Gospel of the day, my mind was just too drawn to the words of the first reading to think of anything but Tobit and Sarah. The emotion of their words just touched me deeply. Tobit and Sarah both poured their hearts out to God. They had been carrying such heavy crosses for quite a while. They felt tired and hopeless. They felt like there was nothing left for them. There was no future to hope for. They both felt like the only thing left for them was to pray for the end to come. In Tobit's words, "...For it is better for me to die than to see so much distress in my life and listen to such insults."(verse 6) And in Sarah's words, in verse 15:  "...Why should I live? But if it be not pleasing to you to take my life, command that respect be shown to me and pity be taken upon me, and that I hear reproach no more."

In other words, I can't take anymore! Make the hurting stop.

While our crosses aren't the same as Tobit or Sarah's, how many times have we gotten to a place where we have poured our hearts out to God? How many times have we cried out with words that echoed "I can't take it anymore!" and "Please make it stop!" and "Please make it go away!"

I've certainly used those words. And while God might not always take the cross away, He does always show up and give me the grace to take the next step. His plan doesn't usually take the direct route I wish it did to the "finish line", but there are blessings to be found on the journey and even in an unexpected ending. 

Tobias' journey was meant to fulfill Tobit's request to recover the talents he left in safe keeping, to provide for his family when Tobit's wish for death was realized. But Tobias' journey ended up being so much more. Because of St. Raphael's help, Tobias found what would cure his father. St. Raphael also led Tobias to Sarah, who "as his kin...have before all other men a hereditary claim to her."(Tobit 6:10) When Tobias questioned out of fear because rumors traveled fast back then, even without the existence of social media, St. Raphael, (still in disguise), told him how to pray to God and what to do to make the demon flee. Because those words were God's truth...and I'm sure it helped coming from an (unknown) angel, "When Tobias heard these things, he fell in love with her and yearned deeply for her.(6:17)

Doesn't that happen to us to sometimes? When God's truth breaks through our fears and takes hold of our mind and emotions in an unshakeable way? When we feel the "peace beyond all understanding"?(Philippians 4:7) That's pure grace.

Hope is vital but hard to hold onto, especially when living for an extended period of time with really hard circumstances. We can be beaten down so much, that it's impossible to see a different outcome than the one we fear. That's where Sarah was. The wedding night came and Sarah "began to weep".(7:17) Sarah's mother acknowledged her fear. "Be brave, my child; the Lord of heaven and earth grant you joy in place of this sorrow of yours. Be brave, my daughter."(7:18)  Sarah's father certainly doubted:" But Rag'uel arose and went and dug a grave, with the thought, "Perhaps he too will die."(8:9) Rag'uel had a maid sneak in the room to see if Tobias was dead early the next morning so that he could bury him in secret. To Rag'uel's surprise, Tobias was alive, and he praised God!

"...Blessed are you, because you have made me glad. 

It has not happened to me as I expected; 

but you have treated us according to your great mercy...."(9:16)

"It has not happened to me as I expected;" That line stands out to me. It's hard to hope that good things will happen when other moments in life have been so painful. To be able to rejoice and thank God for a blessing you thought could never happen is a gift. When you're prepared for the worse, an unexpected blessing can bring so much healing to a soul that feels broken. 

Despite all of the pain and trauma that Sarah and her family had been through, Rag'uel embraced the great surprise gift they had received. They trusted God to move forward in their lives, and he "ordered his servants to fill in the grave"(8:18). They let go of all the past pain and looked forward to building a life filled with blessings. Hope was given a place to grow in their hearts.

That's what God can do....He can surprise us and comfort us and heal us when things don't happen as we expect it. I need eyes to see that. Maybe you do to? Let's pray for each other and let Tobias' journey remind us all that God can restore even seemingly hopeless situations. 

(And make sure to keep a lookout for angels in disguise along the way!)

A Heart of Wisdom

photo credit loveprayerspeace.com

Motherhood is always a growing and stretching experience. As a wife, mom, and now grammy, I have a lot of things to juggle. I've been a mom for 30 years(which completely blows my mind when I think about how fast time has gone by!). Each season has brought, and continues to bring, its own set of joys and challenges. With eight children born over a span of 19 years, I've gotten to do each of these seasons many, many times. And I can honestly tell you that practice does not make perfect!

Each one of my kids is wired in a unique way with their own needs, strengths, and challenges. Some stages of development were incredibly easy with some of my kids, while with others it was a wailing and gnashing of teeth experience. Take potty training as an example. My first child was potty trained so easily at 2.5. Child number two at the same age looked at the potty and screamed, "NO!" Most of my crew were finally ready between 3 and 3.5. My youngest son could care less what we tried to bribe him with to use the potty and finally(!) was potty trained just days before he turned 4. Our son with severe autism wasn't fully potty trained until around the age of 8...but we were thrilled that he even reached that milestone! So different. And that's just one small stage of development!

We've had a lot of family changes over the last four years. Four college graduations, two grad-school graduations, three marriages, three grandsons, a granddaughter arriving next month, and another grandson arriving in August. My special needs son became an adult, which has meant lots of paperwork and a new road to navigate. Another child started college. My youngest son became and official teenager, and my baby girl is no longer a baby but the "pre-teeniest preteen" we have ever had.

Please click here to continue reading my blogpost at catholicmom.com

Carrying Each Other's Burdens

 Last year, my family went through what I (unaffectionately) called "Second Lent." I remember that we had almost made it to Holy Week. The days were getting warmer. There was more daylight, which is always an amazing feeling after the long, dark days of winter in the Northeast! The hope of spring was starting to poke its way into my heart as winter and Lent were quickly drawing to a close.

That feeling lasted about 24 hours. Then, within the course of a week, two very hard, unexpected crosses showed up into our lives! 

Please click the link to read the rest of my blogpost over at Catholicmom!

photo credit: https://lovepeaceprayers.com/

He Sees Us

 Lent creates a whole host of different emotions in my heart. It all depends on the year. Some years, I am feeling gung-ho and so ready to challenge myself to grow in all kinds of ways. Other years...not so much. This has been one of those "other years."

This year, I didn't even want to look at Lent. I feel like we've been doing Lent since November! Advent was so hard that my husband and I started calling it "Lent-vent." "Lent-vent" was followed up by a very hard time of grieving at the unexpected loss of a friend. The night of my friend's funeral, the first of our family came down with the norovirus. It was such a rough virus for us and took more than a month to work its way through our family, accompanying us through Ash Wednesday.

There was no excitement over Lent arriving for me this year. There was only exhaustion and burnout. I mostly ignored the fact that Lent was coming because I had no extra emotional space for anything. After the stress of the last few months, I would have been happy to just hibernate for the entirety of Lent and wake up on Easter!

Maybe you can relate?

....Please click here to finish reading my blog post on Catholicmom.com. 

photo credit: LovePeacePrayers.com

Love Them To The End

Life changing moments often come when you least expect it. 

There are times when life appears to be going along at a fairly controllable pace. Then something happens. In an instant, the fragility of life smacks you in the face and it becomes undeniably apparent that the control we seem to have is a complete illusion. 

Several days after Christmas, our daughter-in-law's mom had a scheduled surgery to replace a heart valve. Liz's mom had no other health issues, was in an excellent hospital with an excellent doctor, and all expectations were for a successful, uncomplicated surgery with a full recovery. At first, everything supported those expectations. Patti went through the surgery with no problems. She spent a couple of days in the ICU as was planned and then went to a regular room on the cardiac floor. Patti was making great progress. 

Until she wasn't. 

The day her doctor talked about sending her home, Patti collapsed. Patti's recovery was hijacked by massive blood clots that traveled to her heart, lungs and brain. Instead of going home that day, Patti spent the next 10 days in the ICU as doctors tried to save her life. It was a nightmare rollercoaster ride for her family as each day would bring small moments of hopeful news followed by devastating realities as the damage to her heart and her brain continued to unfold. As more and more damage was discovered, it became obvious that Patti could not be healed this side of Heaven. Patti passed into Eternity on Saturday, January 14th surrounded by her loving husband and daughters, and several other members of her family that were so incredibly supportive during the entire devastating journey. 

Patti was more than just my daughter-in-law's mom. Patti was also my friend. I've been blessed to know Patti for about 4 and a half years. Andrew and Liz had been dating for about 10 months when we got a chance to meet Patti, her husband, Chris, and Liz's sister, Tori.  They came to Andrew's college graduation party and from the moment we met them, they felt like family. Liz's family is kind, faithful, and genuine. They fit right in with all our friends and it felt like we had known them for a long time, even though we had just met. When Andrew and Liz got engaged only a few months later, it truly felt that we were combining our whole families. It was an incredible blessing for all of us.

Those last ten days of Patti's life were incredibly painful for me. As a mom, my heart was just breaking for Liz and Tori and the grief they were carrying. As a wife, my heart ached for what Chris was facing. As a friend, I was grieving hard at the thought of Patti not being a part of my life. 

Patti just had so much more life to live...especially with a little grandson that she DELIGHTED in and another grandbaby on the way. I cannot emphasize enough how much pure joy Patti felt at being a "Gramma". Patti lived her whole life for love of her family. You could see it in her body language, hear it in her voice, and feel it in the acts of love that she showed to all those she cared about. Patti loved with her whole heart and her family was everything. I saw it in the way she cared for her dying brother alongside her sisters. I saw it in the joy of being in the presence of her sisters and their love of each other. I heard it in the way she spoke with such love and happiness for her niece, all of her nephews and their wives and children. I saw it in the pure love and acceptance she had for her special needs nephew, Stephen. I saw it in the happiness she shared in at the weddings and receptions of my other son and daughter. Patti was just filled with life and joy. Everyone that knew her experienced it and were touched by it.  

As the stress and bad news increased in the last week of Patti's life, I was blessed to be able to spend some extra time with Patti's family. I drove up to Patti and Chris' house a couple of times to spend part of the day with Xavier while everyone went to the hospital. As often happens in tragic situations, the desire to do something to help carry a loved one's burden was so strong. Just as strong was the helplessness of how little I could actually do. What I could do was be emotionally present-especially with the deep grief everyone was carrying, bring and prep food for dinner and for snacks when they had family and friends stop by, and do dishes and other simple tidying around the house.(Xavier was always enthusiastically encouraging me to vacuum the family room. Apparently that's his new favorite chore.:) It felt like so little, but it was a way to show how much I care for all of them and to lighten the burden they all carried in some very small way.

I was so grateful just be able to "do" something. I did find it really hard to be in Patti's home. There was a feeling of intruding in the sacred space of another woman's kitchen when I was rifling through drawers trying to find measuring spoons or a can opener. I know if she was there, any question would have been answered in seconds and the necessary tool pulled out of the proper place. Without that familiarity, I was left to search and apologize in my head to Patti for stepping into her domain. I know that Patti knows that I was just trying to love and care for her family as she would, but it still felt wrong.

The first day that I watched Xavier was the day that the family had a big meeting with all of Patti's different doctors who each gave a thorough report and their opinions on her prognosis. It was that day that the yo-yo of emotions started to settle as it became more apparent that, without a miracle, Patti was not going to survive. There was much grief, but there was a peace that descended on Patti's family that was completely missing when I arrived that morning. I held a sleeping Xavier when Chris texted me the details of that meeting. As they drove home, I sobbed. I cried for the loss they were all facing. I cried for the coming loss of my friend. I cried that I was sitting on Patti's couch, in her home, holding our precious, sleeping grandson. She should have been the one there enjoying that peaceful moment. I felt so much guilt over that. My heart was just breaking.

Even within all the grief and loss of those hard 10 days, there was even more love. There was an incredible outpouring of prayers from family and friends. There was a constant presence of support from family and friends at the hospital and at their home. Chris' sister, her husband, her daughter, one of her sons and his fiance were at the hospital multiple times. They all came to the house multiple times with food and the desire to spend time with Chris and the girls and show them as much support as they could. Two of Patti's sisters came to be with Liz's family as well, and many of her nephews and their families drove for hours to be at the wake and funeral of their beloved aunt. Chris' best friend, John, made many supportive visits. He and his wife, Nancy, even opened up their beautiful home to host the reception after the burial. The outpouring of love and generosity was awe inspiring. The support that carried Chris, Liz and Tori was faith in action. God's presence in the midst of heartache and tragedy was felt through the outpouring of love from so many family and friends. It reminded me of this quote from St. Teresa of Avila:

"Christ has no body but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which Christ looks old
His compassion on this world,
Yours are the feet with which He walks to do good,
Yours are the hands, with which He blesses all the world.
Yours are the hands, yours are the feet,
Yours are the eyes, you are His body.
Christ has no body now but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
compassion on this world.
Christ has no body now on earth but yours."

— St. Teresa of Ávila

Through these very hard moments, I got to see the kind of man my son, Andrew, has become. The care and attention that he showed to his wife, his son, and his in-laws made both Jay and I so proud. Andrew and Liz temporarily moved into Chris and Patti's home to be as supportive as they could for Chris and Tori. Andrew was driving all of them back and forth to the hospital every, emotionally filled day. Most days, Andrew had Xavier with him and kept him occupied while everyone spent time with Patti and met with the doctors for updates. (And Xavier was such a source of consolation for his grandpa and auntie. At 18 months old, Xavier doesn't understand what's going on, so his happy smiles and hugs were a much needed balm to hurting hearts.) Andrew made sure everyone was drinking water and eating meals...especially his pregnant wife. But most importantly, he was incredibly emotionally present and supportive, not only to Liz, but also to both Chris and Tori. In one of the hardest moments of his young adult life, Andrew leaned in to his faith and that Grace helped him to support his family throughout the entire difficult time. Seeing his care for all of them just touched my heart. #proudmamamoment

I feel like I got to share in a "highlight reel" of Patti's life in some ways. I know that she certainly had crosses to carry in the time I have known her, but we got to share so many amazing memories. Watching the beautiful video that Chris and Tori put together for Patti's wake, I was brought back to one of the most joy-filled moments of both of our lives as Liz walked out of the bedroom in her wedding dress for the first time. I also saw the picture of us from the night Andrew and Liz announced that Xavier was on the way. I will never forget Patti's hands as she hurriedly tried to rip the wrapper off of the special fortune cookies Liz and Andrew had ordered or her voice as she asked/exclaimed to Liz, "Are you pregnant!?!?" as it slowly dawned on all of us that something really special was being announced.  I will never forget the night that Liz went into labor and Patti and I spent the entire night going back and forth with Andrew and each other as we waited for the news that our grandchild had arrived and mama and baby were both ok. 

I found myself feeling incredibly grateful to God for the gift that Patti was. I'm grateful that she and Chris were open to life and brought two beautiful, loving daughters into the world. I'm grateful that God chose their daughter and our son for each other and brought both of our families together. I'm grateful for all the wonderful moments we shared. I'm just so tremendously sad that there won't be more.

Patti's wake and funeral Mass were truly a celebration of a beautiful life filled with love. Though wrapped in deep grief, there were moments of just pure beauty that I will carry with me for a long time. I wish it wouldn't have been a completely inappropriate moment to take a picture, because watching Liz, Andrew and Liz's dad and sister walking up the church aisle behind the casket holding each other's hands linked in support for strength and love was just incredibly touching and beautiful. Their hearts were broken and hurting but their love for Patti and each other, while being lifted by the prayers of everyone present (and even those who weren't), gave them the strength to endure the hardest day of their lives. 

Patti's pastor knew Patti and her family well. Fr. Larry gave a beautiful, tear inducing homily about the faithful, loving wife and mother Patti was. You could see that Patti's unexpected call home had really affected him. Three and a half years ago, Fr. Larry had concelebrated Andrew and Liz's wedding. He has an amazing voice, and I remember how excited Patti was that he agreed to sing the Ave Maria during the wedding ceremony. At the end of the funeral Mass, Fr. Larry walked off of the alter, stood right in front of Patti's casket, and sang that beautiful song just for her. I don't think there was a dry eye in the church, but it was so touching. It was just another example of how the love that Patti exuded in her life inspired everyone around her to love in return.

It seems so surreal that Patti is really gone. How can a person that was so full of life and love not be with us anymore? How can a person that is still so needed by her family not survive? Sometimes life just doesn't make sense. 

Patti's death has affected me greatly. I know I'm blessed to have lived this long without facing the grief of losing a friend, but it's still really hard. Everything feels different. I feel like my perspective has shifted. How can you not be affected when someone close to you passes away and it highlights the finiteness of our existence in this life?

Patti's death has triggered a good amount of fear and anxiety that I've had to work through.(and am still working through...) Her death has also brought up a lot of questions to ponder; such as, How can I live my life more intentionally? What do I want to focus on at this point in my life? Are there things in different areas of my life that need to be changed or tweaked in order to live more intentionally? Do I have any real goals for this season of my life? What are steps I need to take to reach those goals?

Can you tell that I'm in the "mid-life crisis" zone of life? Or, as Matthew Kelly calls it, "mid-life opportunity."

Life is passing by so quickly. I don't want to waste it. The path is changing as we get older and our kids grow up and start lives of their own...I haven't figured out exactly which way my new path is heading. It's hard to feel lost...and it's uncomfortable. It's an opportunity to grow and to stretch, but it feels pretty torturous when you're stuck in the messy middle of change.

Though the path certainly doesn't feel very clear right now, my ultimate life goal is summed up in John 13:1. 

"...Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, 
having loved his own who were in the world, 
he loved them to the end."

Love our own in this world and love them to the end....that's certainly what Patti did.

This is Tori, Chris, Patti and Liz celebrating with us at Sarah's wedding in August.
I can't believe we had to say goodbye to her just five months later....
I'm so grateful that Patti was a part of our lives.