An “Other” Kind of Day

Some days are easier than others. Saturday was definitely an “other” kind of day.

I read somewhere on the internet in the past week about someone comparing life to the Bill Murray movie, Groundhog Day. I have to agree with that sentiment. Most mornings I wake up in Luke’s bed (because he’s had lots of nightmares/trouble sleeping lately), and I lay there thinking what a strange dream I had about life coming to a standstill and being quarantined by a strange virus. After a couple groggy minutes I remember, “Oh, wait...this is my life right now.”

I find myself wrestling with questions like, “How can this even happen?” and “Why is this happening?” and “How long is this going to be our new normal?”

Most days in the the last couple of weeks I’ve tried to be positive and upbeat and create an organized atmosphere that gives the kids structure. I’ve tried to focus on the good parts of the situation. I’ve tried to use the extra time at home as an opportunity to get some organizing done and start on the very long “to do list” I made weeks ago of all the things I felt needed to get done before we host Jon and Marisa’s rehearsal dinner at the end of May.

 But there are moments that chip away at my hope and leave me in tears lamenting like the psalmist, “How long, O Lord”? In those harder moments I find myself not really caring about my to do list and just wanting to curl up on the couch and wait for all of this to finally be over. Sometimes functioning and daily tasks seem like more than I can handle.

Some mornings it just takes a lot of strength to get out of bed and face another day that looks exactly like the day before.

I get frustrated with myself for having these feelings. I try to just focus on all the things I have to be grateful for: the health of my family, the gift of their presence, that Jay is still working and getting a normal paycheck, food in the freezer, and toilet paper in the bathroom closet. Some moments it’s harder than others to quiet those dark thoughts and feelings and just focus on doing the next best thing in front of me.

Kate has started to have an anxiety meltdown at least once a day. It tends to be at night, although one tough day she cried multiple times. She kept saying through tears, “I’m just having an emotional day.” She misses her cousin and her friends. She’s afraid of someone getting sick. She’s overwhelmed because she doesn’t know when this will end. Jay and I hug her and snuggle with her and try to reassure everything will be ok. It’s hard to watch and harder to know we can’t just make it all better.

I already mentioned Luke’s daily nightmares and trouble sleeping...which means I’m not sleeping through the night either. #storyofmyadultlife

Peter is struggling a lot with his lack of a schedule and routine. Like many special needs kids, Peter is very dependent on his predictable routines and schedules, and there is nothing predictable about life right now! With help from his teacher, I’ve started more of a school type routine. It seems to be helping a little and he isn’t saying, “Peter feels frustrated” dozens of times a day anymore. But he still has me on edge.

The older kids have their moments too. Mike is struggling with his life being on hold. Jon isworried about whether life will be normal enough for his wedding to happen at the end of May. Sarah is discouraged because the young man she is dating is a marine who is stationed in Japan. He was scheduled to come home on leave at the end of April. Travel restrictions have changed all that and now he’s hoping for sometime in the summer.

So many things in life have been upended!

I knew this week would be more challenging. The first week or two of a situation is always easier to manage. The newness of so much change and the energy it takes to learn new routines is a lot to focus on and helps to keep a lot of the fears and the doubts in check. The newness is wearing off and the reality that we don't have any control and that this is how life will look like for an unknown amount of time is now sinking in. I’m supposed to be the strong one...but I’m finding moments where I.just.can’t.

Sometimes I’m just not ok...

I think we are going to have bad moments...or even bad days. The loss of regular life and all the added stress that brings leads us into a grieving process. Sometimes we are going to need a good cry..or several..during a day. Life can be overwhelming and scary right now.

If you're having one of those "other" types of days, just know that you aren't alone. We aren't always going to feel confident and competent as we navigate our new roles from home. We aren't always going to have productive days.

It's ok to admit that you aren't ok.

On those tough days, reach out to a close friend or two and share how you're feeling. Lean in on God and journal, or just tell Him, all the hard emotions that are on your heart. If it's a day with decent weather take a short walk with a friend...using appropriate social distancing of course. Or walk and listen to some upbeat music or an uplifting podcast. Try to distract yourself with any small task you feel up to handling. Maybe try taking a nap.

Sometimes, if we're really emotional, we just have to make it through the day and go to bed.  Then, we can try again the next day with a fresh start.

These days certainly aren't easy or comfortable, but we will get through them. It's not always going to be pretty. I'm never going to do it perfectly....but we will all get through it. Some days we will be  lifting up our friends and family, and other days we need to allowour friends and family to lift us up.

I have an analogy I've used many times over the last several years. We are all like rock climbers. And, just like rock climbers, we are all harnessed together so that when one person slips or loses their grip they only fall so far before their connection to the other climbers stops their fall. We are all supporting each other and we will all reach the top of this Covid-19 mountain together!
One (Grounddog) day at a time.

photo credit: Eastern Mountain Sports School

The Surreal Life We Are Living

What crazy times we are living in! I feel like I’m living in a Lifetime movie.....but I am definitely a Hallmark kind of girl.(you know, a nice story line that has about 10 minutes of conflict that is always followed by a happy ending!)

Real life has definitely gone over that 10 minute mark of difficulty! In my area of suburbia, we are on day 13 of school shut downs and day 4 of “non essential worker” shut downs. And after yesterday’s announcement from our Governor, schools will be out until at least May 4th.

Life feels very surreal.

How does life in our house look right now? Well, let’s just say it has me longing for our “normal chaos” while I try to figure out our ever changing “new normal”.

Jay does home care physical therapy and is still working. With all elective surgeries being canceled, his company’s caseload is dropping but so far no cuts have been made. He’s grateful to still be working for now, but worries about getting exposed to the virus and bringing it home to us. Jay has also had to take over giving my 97 year old grandfather his pills for me twice a day. The assisted living where he lives will only allow medical workers in right now. So I’m grateful we still have contact with him, but it’s an added responsibility for Jay, who is already carrying a lot. Jay loves my grandfather and has been so generous with the way he has served and loved Pepere the last couple of weeks.

As of this past Monday, my parents’ salon where I work part time has been shut down. I am now back in the role I had for 24 years as a SAHM. I’ve also taken on the role of homeschooling with lots of teacher support. (More on this below)

Mike has been going to barber school since September and was supposed to graduate in early June. His barber school is closed now and graduation pushed back. He also worked part time for my parents’ salon, so he is trying to keep busy doing odd jobs for my parents until life gets back to normal.

Andrew’s job has them all working from home. His wife, Liz, is a reading specialist and will be off until May. She’s responsible for checking in with a certain number of students each week and helping kids with work where needed. She’s also been doing some special reading videos to connect with her students and help the learning to continue at home.

Jon is home from his grad school ocean engineering program, taking his class online, and working on his thesis. He’s supposed to finish this summer, and hopefully some of the unknowns won’t delay that. His fiancé, Marisa, is a guidance counselor at a local high school so she is off right now and participating in meetings as the school, like many others, tries to figure out how to best help and educate their students during this pandemic. Jon and Marisa are getting married on May 24th, so you can imagine the stress they are carrying. The April shower we have scheduled will be getting pushed to May, and we are hoping that by the wedding life will be back to normal...or at least normal enough! There is a June back up date that we hope will never have to be used! It’s so hard....when they got engaged almost two years ago and picked a wedding date no one would have guessed something like this would have happened! The one positive note is that Marisa is getting lots of the pre wedding details accomplished now since she’s got so much extra time on her hands!

Sarah is also doing grad school from home. She’s in a speech therapy program and is missing out on many hours of clinical time with the schools closed. She will have to do extra days next semester to make them up. Sarah has been very helpful with the homeschooling efforts, especially during the first week while I was still working.

Poor Peter is having a hard time. Despite social stories and explanations, he is missing his teachers, friends, and routines. He is feeling very stressed out on some days. His teacher, Miss Lori, has been super helpful with suggestions and coming up with a schedule that will mimic his school day to some degree. She even dropped off a couple of items on our doorstep from his classroom for him to use. We are taking it one day at a time with Peter. The one bright side is he is enjoying a couple of extra sleepovers at Pa’s house!

Ellie’s high school has not missed a beat. They had one day off, and since then, have participated in a normal schedule of online live classes from 8 to 1 each day. Ellie is enjoying the homeschool atmosphere...especially wearing comfy clothes to class each day. I think if it was up to her, this would be her preferred method of learning!

Luke and Kate’s school has been up and running after only a day off as well. For their grade levels, the teacher sends out assignments each day and I take pictures and email back their work. Luke’s teacher has been sending videos of herself teaching and, this week, they had two live teaching classes using Zoom. (Kate’s teacher is going to try one tomorrow and she is very excited!) Luke loved it....especially seeing and talking to his friends. He sounded so happy during both live sessions...it warmed my heart. The other day we were snuggling together before the day started and he said, “I really like being home and being with my family, but I hope the virus goes away soon. I miss my friends.”

#me too

I’ve tried to be upbeat and focused on the positive, but some days are easier than others. Fear and anxiety have not been my friends. Not knowing when everything is going to end is hard. I felt very discouraged when they announced the pushed back school closure date. I just wish they had waited until it got closer to make the call. A lot could change in 6 weeks...and maybe it could even be positive change!

A couple moments have brought me to tears. Seeing the grocery store shelves pretty bare the first time really triggered some fear in me. It was hard to fight down the negative thoughts of not being able to take care of my family. Reminding myself that God will provide is something I recite multiple times a day! A couple of days in the last two weeks Jay has randomly stopped by the grocery store on his way home and been able to get a rationed package of hamburger or the more difficult to find package of chicken! One day he even got a party size package of hot dogs. It reminded me of Pa from Little House on the Prairie coming home with a much needed deer or turkey to take care of his family. Thankfully, my mighty “hunter” brought his spoils home without feathers in a brown paper bag!
#grateful

Trying to wear so many hats right now is challenging. Despite reading directions multiple times, I still somehow manage to forget to send some part of Kate or Luke’s work each day.  Peter’ struggles have discouraged me, too. I’m hopeful that a more structured day will help....but in reality that means more work and follow through for me when I’m already feeling inadequate. Fighting the urge to just hibernate until this is all over takes a lot of my emotional energy right now.....especially when we are faced with another entire month of home learning.

I know lots of people are going through the stages of grief over special plans that are cancelled or in danger of being cancelled. Six months ago, I had planned a special early graduation gift for Jon and Peter...a mother/son(s) 4 night Disney trip. It’s the first time I’ve ever planned a trip like this....for many, many years I was a pregnant/nursing mom with a difficult special needs child who stayed at home while Jay did all the school and youth group trips and retreats. This trip was a last hurrah for me and Jon before he got married and he still belonged in a very small way to me. We were supposed to leave on March 14th....the day after MA schools announced they were closing for three weeks and the day after Disney announced they were closing their parks that same weekend.

And while a cancelled trip is certainly not such a big deal compared to families that have lost loved ones to this virus or are facing huge financial burdens and uncertainty, it’s still a loss for me. My disappointment is a big reminder of how little control I really have in my life, and that’s more than a little uncomfortable.

It’s amazing how our weekly routines give us comfort. I miss that rhythm of life. I miss my daily visits to adoration after work...those few minutes of quiet and prayer between my roles of worker and mom. I miss my adoration hour on Saturday mornings and morning Mass a couple of days each week. I miss my Sunday morning routine...I miss attending Mass, sitting in our usual pew surrounded by our friends. I miss chatting with them after Mass. I’m grateful for our Pastor for posting Mass to he website each day, but, as Luke said in the middle of our first TV Sunday Mass, “This just isn’t the same.”

I keep thinking about how amazing that first Mass will be when all the bans are lifted...how grateful I will feel to drop my kids off at school, spend time with my grandfather, and have a regular work day. We have all received many involuntary penance this Lent! Even if our “Easter” from our current situation doesn’t happen on April 12th, I’m praying that it will be here soon. Until that day arrives, I will be praying that God’s Grace will send me patience and fortitude to make it through and not waste the graces that even the most trying of these unusual days will bring.

I'm praying for patience and fortitude for you too!