My thoughts are still all over the place! I still feel like I have a 'deer in the headlights' look of "How the heck am I 41?". Then, there's the whole confusion of having kids that are "adults"(mostly) and kids that are still little kids. I've got one foot in the "I'm still young enough to have a baby world" and one foot in the "we could have kids getting married before too long and having babies world". It's a bit overwhelming.
Hitting 40 was like hitting a brick wall for me. All of a sudden, I felt like I had a shelf life. I'm more than halfway to being old! Which is scary...especially since the last 20 years seemed to speed by! Like I said before, I'm still trying to figure out how I could possibly be 41!
When I googled "definition of a mid-life crisis", this is what I came up with: "an emotional crisis of identity and self-confidence that can occur in early middle age." Yeah, that fits!
I have to say that I've felt a little lost lately. I'm trying to figure out where I "fit". After 23 years of having/taking care of babies and toddlers, I'm now getting a glimpse of what a life with kids that need less constant hands on, 24/7 care will feel like. It's not bad, just different. I've given my entire adult life to having babies, nursing babies, and caring for my kids. Now that my "baby" is 4, all that is changing. Adjusting to change is hard for me.
That doesn't mean I want to go out and get plastic surgery, buy a sports car, or any other crazy thing! I am trying to exercise more and lose a few pounds to take better care of myself. And I do dream of the day that I can downsize to a minivan! But that's as wild as it gets!
It's about trying to live more purposely. I'm hoping to not be so shocked when the next 20 years go by! I want to fill my days with memories of loving my kids, creating a home that is a place my family wants to come back to at the end of each day, and becoming the woman that I'm supposed to be in this next stage of life. I want to have more goals in the next twenty years than I did in the last twenty. There were lots of life circumstances that created periods of time when Jay and I felt like we were working to survive in the first 23 years of our marriage. I know I certainly cannot control everything in life...lots of life experience has taught me that!...but I would like to feel like I have more goals that I am trying to work towards: individual goals AND couple goals AND family goals.
Problem is, I'm not quite sure what those goals are supposed to be! So, I'm praying on it. I feel like I'm floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean right now...but I know at some point I will land where I'm supposed to! This "in-between" moment that I'm in right now is unsettling, but I trust that I'm being stretched so that I'm ready for the stage of my life that I'm entering into.
11 For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. 12 Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you.13 When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart,(Jeremiah 29:11-13)
See...I told you I'm trying to practice positive thinking! :)
