And You Yourself a Sword Shall Pierce

Today(September 19th) is the Feast Day of Our Lady of Sorrows. I've felt a connection to Our Lady of Sorrows for a long time. It started during the short life of our daughter, Therese. My emotions from losing a child found consolation and solace in Mary's life as a grieving Mother. In the last year, I've been focusing on and learning more about each of her sorrows. (It's actually part of a big writing project that I hope to share with you in the next few months!) 

Even though I didn't plan on writing a blogpost today, I couldn't let the day go by without sharing a few thoughts...

I really wanted to go to Mass this morning and I planned my grocery store stops around it. I planned on going to a parish that I catch an occasional daily Mass at a couple of towns away. I got there early and I was happily surprised that there was Eucharistic Adoration. I got to pray the chaplet of the seven sorrows. When 9am came and Mass didn't start, I found out that that parish no longer has a morning mass on Fridays. (whomp, whomp!) So I listened to the readings and homily from EWTN's online Mass after the rest of my errands. Not the same...but better than nothing!

The priest focused much of his homily on Mary's posture, standing at the foot of her Son's cross. Mary was standing under the cross; a sign of strength and total unification with Jesus' suffering and death. Mary stood among all the hatred and ugliness of the loud, jeering crowd and the antagonizing soldiers. Mary stood as her son was tortured, mocked, and scorned. Mary's presence and posture was an outward affirmation to the "yes" she first spoke at the Annunciation, her "yes" at the painful words of Simeon's prophesy, her continual "yes" throughout Jesus' entire life, and ending with her most powerful "yes" as she stood at the foot of the cross watching her son being killed. 

Mary stood at Jesus' cross to love Him, support Him, and console Him in any way she could. Mary did not despair as she stood at the most painful moment of her life. Mary's heart broke at the sight of her Son, but she still clung to hope. Mary trusted that God would bring good even out of the greatest and most painful tragedy.

"We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose"-Romans 8:28

Mary lived that scripture verse. In the darkest moment of her life, Mary held tightly onto hope and trusted God in the difficult circumstances of her life. She stood...eyes on the cross and her beloved Son.  

Under the title of Our Lady of Sorrows, Mary gives us an incredible example of how to keep our eyes on God and hold onto hope when we face trials and tragedies in our own lives. When we find ourselves standing with those we love that are suffering on their own personal crosses, we have the consolation that we do not stand alone. Mary stands with us helping to bear our burdens and the burdens of our family and friends. Mary understands our heartache and pain. 

Today's feast is an opportunity to remember Mary's faith and strength. It's also a day to recall and honor the suffering she endured for all of us that was foretold at Jesus' Presentation in the Temple:

"And you yourself a sword shall pierce..."-Luke2:35

May I make a suggestion to offer Mary a special prayer today to console her Immaculate Heart? Any prayer will be a beautiful spiritual flower offered to Mary with love...and what mama doesn't love to get a flower from her child?? (Even a dandelion!) If you would like to find out more about the chaplet to the seven sorrows, click here.

We went to Hershey, PA this summer and found
Our Lady of Sorrows Catholic Church nearby for Mass.
This was a beautiful prayer alcove in the church.

The Trouble with Transitions

August is a month of transition for many families. A new school year is either starting or getting ready to start. It's the frantic moments of making sure summer work is finished, school supplies are purchased, and new school shoes are sought out. I know that there are a range of  mom emotions that accompany the impending start of school. Some moms can.not.wait for school to start and to get back into a consistent routine after filling a summer with activities to keep kids occupied and make memories. On the opposite extreme, some moms grieve as the end of summer approaches and their kids get ready to launch into another year of growing and changing.

(I tend to be the grieving mom...although there is a sense of peace in having a consistent routine. So maybe I fall just a little closer to the middle of the pendulum swing!)

Some years include transitions with a capital "T", aka milestone years. My youngest son will be in 8th grade this year and my baby girl, who is definitely not a baby, is entering middle school. They will be having a big transition year.

The biggest transition this year is happening to my son, Peter. Peter is severely affected by autism and turns 22 on the very last day of July. The town we live in does not have a program for kiddos with more severe special needs, so they have always funded Peter's participation in area collaborative programs. Peter has been in his current collaborative since he was 7. Collaboratives work differently than regular classrooms. Peter has had the same classroom and friends for several years at a time before he aged into another program within the collaborative. The teachers were different, but the kids mostly stayed the same. 

The morning that I'm writing this, I attended the last IEP meeting for Peter. It was really just a formality. Less than a week after the meeting, Peter ages out as a student covered by the school system and his IEP means nothing anymore. We have been blessed to live in a town that has always helped us to take good care of Peter. We have not known the angst of stressful IEP meetings or having to fight for things that we felt our son needed. My husband and I decided long ago that, if we were going to move to a new home, it would have to be in the same town because of how well they have always provided for Peter. We know that this level of services, and the relative ease in order to get those services, is not everyone's experience. While caring for a child with special needs is never easy, not having to fight for what we felt he needed from the school system was a tremendous blessing that we are so appreciative of.

My level of emotion at the relatively short meeting surprised me. I'm not usually a "crier", but I couldn't stop the tears from sliding down my cheeks as different people spoke. I was able to relay my thanks to our SPED director and Peter's teacher as I planned, but it was with a quivering voice. The minute the call ended, I stopped trying to control the sadness and let my sobs out.

My tears happened for so many reasons. Peter's journey in the school system began as a 3 year old little guy with no language and is ending as a full grown 6 foot man who is able to communicate and care for at least some of his basic needs independently. It has been a long, often hard, road to get to this point. "Graduating" into adult services, where the care is very different, is a bit scary. No longer receiving his care through a place that felt safe is a big loss for us. Having to hear Peter articulate, "I'm graduating on Thursday. I'm going to miss my friends. I'm going to miss my teachers.", breaks my heart every time he says it. (Which is multiple times an hour. Peter repeats and perseverates on things in order to work through them.) 

I wish I could save him from this heartache and make the transition easier, but I can't. Isn't that the plight of a mother's heart ... when "magic mommy kisses" no longer solve our kids' real life problems?

I know from experience that this build up to the ending is worse than starting the next step and getting used to our "new normal". It reminds me of when one of our sons went to grad school. I did most of my grieving in the weeks leading up to the change. Once he left, there was sadness but also an acceptance and readiness to move forward. I'm hoping that Peter's transition is the same.

Motherhood is always growing and stretching us in new ways. There is the literal stretching of growing a new little person in our body, the physical sacrifices of pregnancy and birth, and the exhaustion of sleepless nights and constant care. As children grow their needs change and the demands on our emotional and mental energy outweigh the physical demands, but it's still never easy. Those teenage years as they practice pushing off from us and attempting independence can be down right painful. That final push of independence can be as painful for us as all the pushing we did to bring them into the world.

The trouble with transitions is that they highlight the fact that we really aren't in control of anything. Transition means change is coming, whether we are ready and willing or not! While we can do 'all the things' to prepare to make a transition more smooth, the hardest thing to prepare is our hearts. It's much easier to check off a to-do list than to sit with the grief and the loss of the way our lives are shifting and the way our family will change. It's hard to step out from what is known and comfortable and start off on a new path that we aren't at all sure about. New paths don't mean things will be bad, but different is not easy to get used to. New paths stretch our trust muscles that God is going to work everything out and hold us as we travel this unknown land. 

Transitions definitely highlight how much I like to imagine that I'm the one that's in the driver's seat. Change is an opportunity to work on surrender and cast off the cape of self-sufficiency that I'm inordinately attached to. Transitions are a reminder to myself that my children ultimately belong to God, that He has a plan for each of them, and that He loves them more than I ever could. 

In the midst of change, let's hold on to St. Zelie, a fellow mom who can intercede for us in Heaven:

"The Good Lord does not do things by halves; 

He always gives what we need. Let us then carry on bravely."

Finding Rest

I am blessed to belong to a Parish that has almost perpetual adoration. On Saturday mornings at 8am I have a scheduled hour. Every week, no matter how well I try to manage my time, I always end up running behind. I'm often hurrying up the church steps as the clock is chiming loudly, trying to make it to the top before it strikes the 8th ring. I feel like a backwards Cinderella every time it happens...she was running down the steps away from the prince while I'm running up the steps headed towards the King of Kings.

There's another area of life that makes me think of Cinderella. Remember the scene in the movie when all Cinderella wants to do is go to the ball? Her evil stepmother tells Cinderella that she can go but cunningly gives her a stipulation; only if your work is done and you have a proper dress to wear. The evil stepmother loads up Cinderella's to-do list to make it impossible for her to complete it all and alter her mother's old dress to be ready for the ball.

While I certainly don't have an evil stepmother or a fancy ball to attend, I often have an impossible to-do list. It's very easy for me to live unspoken stipulations that I have set for myself: "You can only have fun or relax once you get through this list." While on the surface that kind of thinking may sound like a way to create order and discipline in a busy, messy life, the reality is that it's the short cut to burnout. 

As a mom, my to-do list is never really done. As quickly as I cross off one item from my list I find a couple more things that need attention. I'm sure you already know this, but kids are messy! They create dirty dishes and dirty laundry at an astonishing rate! And spoiler alert for moms not at this stage yet...grandchildren are messy too! 

So how do we have a more healthy, balanced mindset when it comes to everything we feel that we need to accomplish without treating ourselves like the evil stepmother treated Cinderella? I think the first step is recognizing our inner thoughts and the way we talk to ourselves in our head. (Or sometimes out loud when we think no one else is around!) If I'm being honest, I don't treat myself very well most days. I can be a harsh taskmaster. I have a hard time relaxing when a lot of items on my list remain undone. Even when I do finally sit down at the end of the day, I find myself feeling lazy, incompetent and undeserving of rest. 

"Come to me, all who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon me and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; 

and you will find rest for yourself." Mt 11:28-29

This was the gospel at a recent weekend Mass and it always touches my heart. Why? Because I'm a mom (and a Grammy) always trying to make sure everyone feels loved and is fed well with a (somewhat) clean living environment. Most of the time, I feel like I'm not enough and I will never meet everyone's needs even at the expense of frequently ignoring the fact that I have needs of my own. There's a lot of "I's" in that sentence...and that's the whole problem.

"I'm" not supposed to be the one doing it all. Regardless of how I feel, it doesn't all depend on me. When I'm feeling like I'm carrying the weight of my little world on my shoulders, it's because I'm trying to do God's job. That's an impossible notion! Yet, my self reliance and pride seem to guide me down that wrong path more often than I would like to admit. My internal GPS needs some recalculating!

Jesus says "come to me" and "learn from me". He doesn't expect or want me to do everything on my own. He wants to help carry my burdens. He wants me to surrender my to do list to His will. Jesus wants me to learn how to live from Him. What does He teach us through His word and His saints? He shows us the importance of times of work, times of prayer, times of camaraderie, and times of rest. We need His truth... not the "truth" we create in our own heads!

The truth is that we are loved and worthy without our list, without our perfectly clean home, without our perfectly altered ball gowns. Cinderella was meant for the prince even when she was in rags. and we are always claimed by our King regardless of the tasks left on our to do list. We cheat ourselves out of a deeper relationship with God and truly becoming who we are meant to be because we let other distractions that seem to give us order and control in life get in the way. 

Try to spend a few minutes at some point today contemplating those areas where you feel overwhelmed. Are you bringing those areas to God and asking Him to guide you and help you carry the heavy load? Or are you white knuckling your way through, and losing a part of yourself in the process? Let's try to be open to the changes God might be asking from us. It's not easy, but remember His promise in Matthew:

"I will give you rest."

Kate from 2019...I miss when she liked to dress like a princess!

For the Mom Staring Down Summer Vacation

Summer vacation.

When you read those two words, what feelings start to bubble up in your heart? Excitement? Relief? Anxiety? A mix of lots of emotions?

While summer certainly has so much potential to spend extended time and make special memories with our kiddos, its also a time of change. The routines we've spent the last nine months working on and tweaking are ending. We are staring down the next ten-ish weeks of open time that needs to be planned and coordinated. That takes a lot of mental energy as we get ready to be bombarded by the daily question of, "So, Mom, what are we doing today?"

While we want to make great memories and enjoy this special time of year, we also need to keep our expectations realistic to ensure our sanity stays intact. We need to remember to pace ourselves. Having some sort of outline of what we would like the summer to look like with activities that are important to us and our family can help to avoid disappointment come mid-August that we didn't get to do what we had hoped to.

I think the first and most important step is taking into consideration what season of life you find yourself in. Moms with lots of littles will have a summer that looks very different from moms with school age kids. Not all good ideas will fit into your family life. You want to pick activities that set you up for success! When you find future activity ideas that aren't perfect for right now because of ages/circumstances, email yourself with "summer" in the subject line. Then you can pull them up next year easily! (I do the same thing when I find an idea for one of my kids for Christmas during the year. Otherwise, I would forget all about it!)

One of the things I started a few weeks ago was a "brainstorming list" that is on our fridge. Any idea I think of, my kids this of, or I see somewhere online gets put on the list. We are starting to figure out what fits into the calendar and the budget. They aren't all expensive activities or big adventures. Things like library visits, walking different local trails, trying out different beaches and playgrounds, sprinklers in the yard, game nights, s'mores nights, or sampling ice cream cones from different ice cream businesses don't cost much (or anything!) but add lots of fun!

We also have some day trip ideas...an inflatable park, a couple of museums, a drive-in movie theater. I'm working on planning a little road trip later in the summer, too. I think it will be to Hershey, PA and Gettysburg. (My 13-year-old loves history!) My husband enjoys watching the TV show Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, so we will attempt to find a couple of restaurants while we're away that Guy Fieri gave a thumbs-up to.

Setting up playdates for kids (and also for us moms) is always a favorite part of summer for my kids. Summer is also a perfect time to invite some friends over for a potluck dinner and let the kids all play while the grownups get to socialize. And don't forget to sprinkle in a few date nights with your spouse here or there, which can be a s simple as a walk around the neighborhood after it cools off or sitting by the fire after the kids go to sleep.

Make sure you create time for quiet and for slowing down and just being. Extra quiet reading with some fun books is something I'm looking forward to! (I already have some holds waiting for me at the library!) I will be adding in daily Mass a couple of days a week and doing a Bible study geared toward preteens/teens into our routine.

Pray for ideas...and just start listening and reading and googling. See what friends post on Facebook and Instagram. Encourage your kids to add their ideas when they come up with them.

Don't panic if you don't have a complete plan the first week of summer. That doesn't mean you're behind or that summer is ruined! (That's just perfectionism rearing its ugly head!) Use summer as an opportunity to strengthen your trust muscle by leaning into God and trusting Him to help you work out a plan, day by day and week by week, that's going to be best for your entire family.

And remember, sometimes plans need to change. Illness or a thunderstorm can wreak havoc on something your family was looking forward to. We are on week one of summer vacation and our plans have already been altered since we are caring for our almost 2 year old grandson while his new baby sister is spending some extended time in the NICU. And now our dog is sick so we have an unexpected vet visit that needs to be scheduled. #lifehappens

Sometimes kids (or moms) try to do too much in a week and we just need to punt an activity. Rest is important, too!

I would love to hear some of your favorite things to do and some of your summer wish list items. Sharing ideas is a blessing for everyone!

Happy Summer!

photo credit: LovePeacePrayers.com

It Has Not Happened To Me As I Expected

In the cycle of Mass readings, the first reading has been from the Book of Tobit the last few days. Each day that I've started the first reading, I feel a little bit of delight as I remember how much I like this particular Old Testament Book. It's not long...only 14 chapters total. I just really like the story and, spoiler alert, I especially love the happy ending.

The Book of Tobit is about, shockingly, a man named Tobit during the time of the Assyrian exile, and his wife and son, Tobias. Tobit became blind and is just waiting for death. He sends his son on a journey to get ten talents of silver that he had left in safe keeping with a far away relative. It ends up being a journey of faith and healing that Tobias takes, unknowingly, with St. Raphael. At the same time, it is also about one of Tobit's relatives named Sarah, who is a young woman that has been married seven times but a demon has killed each of her husbands on their wedding night before the marriage can be consummated. 

Just a little light reading!! (Good thing I gave you that spoiler alert, right?!?)

Today's reading focused on 3:1-11,16-17. In these verses, both Tobit and Sarah in their respective cities(villages?) are feeling crushed by their individual crosses. Both pray...starting with proclaiming God's righteousness and begging for His Mercy. Both beg for death. They are both filled with so much pain that they see no other way out.

While our visiting priest went on to give what I'm sure was a very interesting homily focused on the Gospel of the day, my mind was just too drawn to the words of the first reading to think of anything but Tobit and Sarah. The emotion of their words just touched me deeply. Tobit and Sarah both poured their hearts out to God. They had been carrying such heavy crosses for quite a while. They felt tired and hopeless. They felt like there was nothing left for them. There was no future to hope for. They both felt like the only thing left for them was to pray for the end to come. In Tobit's words, "...For it is better for me to die than to see so much distress in my life and listen to such insults."(verse 6) And in Sarah's words, in verse 15:  "...Why should I live? But if it be not pleasing to you to take my life, command that respect be shown to me and pity be taken upon me, and that I hear reproach no more."

In other words, I can't take anymore! Make the hurting stop.

While our crosses aren't the same as Tobit or Sarah's, how many times have we gotten to a place where we have poured our hearts out to God? How many times have we cried out with words that echoed "I can't take it anymore!" and "Please make it stop!" and "Please make it go away!"

I've certainly used those words. And while God might not always take the cross away, He does always show up and give me the grace to take the next step. His plan doesn't usually take the direct route I wish it did to the "finish line", but there are blessings to be found on the journey and even in an unexpected ending. 

Tobias' journey was meant to fulfill Tobit's request to recover the talents he left in safe keeping, to provide for his family when Tobit's wish for death was realized. But Tobias' journey ended up being so much more. Because of St. Raphael's help, Tobias found what would cure his father. St. Raphael also led Tobias to Sarah, who "as his kin...have before all other men a hereditary claim to her."(Tobit 6:10) When Tobias questioned out of fear because rumors traveled fast back then, even without the existence of social media, St. Raphael, (still in disguise), told him how to pray to God and what to do to make the demon flee. Because those words were God's truth...and I'm sure it helped coming from an (unknown) angel, "When Tobias heard these things, he fell in love with her and yearned deeply for her.(6:17)

Doesn't that happen to us to sometimes? When God's truth breaks through our fears and takes hold of our mind and emotions in an unshakeable way? When we feel the "peace beyond all understanding"?(Philippians 4:7) That's pure grace.

Hope is vital but hard to hold onto, especially when living for an extended period of time with really hard circumstances. We can be beaten down so much, that it's impossible to see a different outcome than the one we fear. That's where Sarah was. The wedding night came and Sarah "began to weep".(7:17) Sarah's mother acknowledged her fear. "Be brave, my child; the Lord of heaven and earth grant you joy in place of this sorrow of yours. Be brave, my daughter."(7:18)  Sarah's father certainly doubted:" But Rag'uel arose and went and dug a grave, with the thought, "Perhaps he too will die."(8:9) Rag'uel had a maid sneak in the room to see if Tobias was dead early the next morning so that he could bury him in secret. To Rag'uel's surprise, Tobias was alive, and he praised God!

"...Blessed are you, because you have made me glad. 

It has not happened to me as I expected; 

but you have treated us according to your great mercy...."(9:16)

"It has not happened to me as I expected;" That line stands out to me. It's hard to hope that good things will happen when other moments in life have been so painful. To be able to rejoice and thank God for a blessing you thought could never happen is a gift. When you're prepared for the worse, an unexpected blessing can bring so much healing to a soul that feels broken. 

Despite all of the pain and trauma that Sarah and her family had been through, Rag'uel embraced the great surprise gift they had received. They trusted God to move forward in their lives, and he "ordered his servants to fill in the grave"(8:18). They let go of all the past pain and looked forward to building a life filled with blessings. Hope was given a place to grow in their hearts.

That's what God can do....He can surprise us and comfort us and heal us when things don't happen as we expect it. I need eyes to see that. Maybe you do to? Let's pray for each other and let Tobias' journey remind us all that God can restore even seemingly hopeless situations. 

(And make sure to keep a lookout for angels in disguise along the way!)

A Heart of Wisdom

photo credit loveprayerspeace.com

Motherhood is always a growing and stretching experience. As a wife, mom, and now grammy, I have a lot of things to juggle. I've been a mom for 30 years(which completely blows my mind when I think about how fast time has gone by!). Each season has brought, and continues to bring, its own set of joys and challenges. With eight children born over a span of 19 years, I've gotten to do each of these seasons many, many times. And I can honestly tell you that practice does not make perfect!

Each one of my kids is wired in a unique way with their own needs, strengths, and challenges. Some stages of development were incredibly easy with some of my kids, while with others it was a wailing and gnashing of teeth experience. Take potty training as an example. My first child was potty trained so easily at 2.5. Child number two at the same age looked at the potty and screamed, "NO!" Most of my crew were finally ready between 3 and 3.5. My youngest son could care less what we tried to bribe him with to use the potty and finally(!) was potty trained just days before he turned 4. Our son with severe autism wasn't fully potty trained until around the age of 8...but we were thrilled that he even reached that milestone! So different. And that's just one small stage of development!

We've had a lot of family changes over the last four years. Four college graduations, two grad-school graduations, three marriages, three grandsons, a granddaughter arriving next month, and another grandson arriving in August. My special needs son became an adult, which has meant lots of paperwork and a new road to navigate. Another child started college. My youngest son became and official teenager, and my baby girl is no longer a baby but the "pre-teeniest preteen" we have ever had.

Please click here to continue reading my blogpost at catholicmom.com

Carrying Each Other's Burdens

 Last year, my family went through what I (unaffectionately) called "Second Lent." I remember that we had almost made it to Holy Week. The days were getting warmer. There was more daylight, which is always an amazing feeling after the long, dark days of winter in the Northeast! The hope of spring was starting to poke its way into my heart as winter and Lent were quickly drawing to a close.

That feeling lasted about 24 hours. Then, within the course of a week, two very hard, unexpected crosses showed up into our lives! 

Please click the link to read the rest of my blogpost over at Catholicmom!

photo credit: https://lovepeaceprayers.com/