They Matter Even Without The Dash

When our infant daughter, Therese, died in 1998 from a genetic disorder, there were so many difficult emotions to work through. I remembered one of those moments recently, brought up by a podcast interviewer's question about my new book, Journeying Through Infant Loss With Our Lady of Sorrows. 

The interviewer and I had been talking about Therese's funeral and burial. I remembered how disappointed I was that only the year of her birth/death could be put on the tombstone. It seemed so hollow to me. It wouldn't tell any part of the story of the sixteen days that she spent with us in this life. Such a small number, but every single one of them was filled with such importance for me because those were the only days that we had her with us. Each day meant something, and I wanted everyone to know that. Not having the "dash" on Therese's tombstone was another sword in my heart after her death. I wanted to see May 20, 1998-June 5, 1998. But, like all the other details in Therese's short life, that decision was out of my control. 

The Importance of the "Dash"

As a mom, I wanted everyone to know that Therese's life mattered. I wanted everyone to know that she was part of our family, part of our story, even if her stay with us was brief. Therese was important, even though she didn't accomplish anything measurable in her very short life. She was important to me because she was mine. Therese was my first baby girl, and even though I didn't get to keep her in my arms, she would always live in my heart. She would always be a part of me and of my family. I didn't want her to be forgotten.

They Matter Even Without The Dash

Child loss is such a heavy cross for parents to carry. I'm very aware that the sixteen days that I had with Therese were a gift. Knowing that we would not have long with Therese heightened my emotions and awareness of the moments that we did get with her. Etched deep in my heart are the memories of being given preemie clothes in the hospital and being able to get her dressed for the first time in a cute little girl outfit. Stopping by a store on my way to the NICU shortly after that and choosing the few preemie clothes that they carried, the first and only time I was able to buy clothes for my baby girl. The gift of bringing Therese home and laying her in the crib we had bought just for her for the first and only time. 

The memories are few, but that makes them even more precious.

I realize that having any memories is a blessing. Parents who lose their babies during pregnancy carry so much grief over the lack of any recordable memories. But the lives of these precious babies matter even without having a dash. Someday, God willing, we will be united with our precious children and grandchildren and hug them for the very first time in Heaven. 

Finding Hope and Support In Our Grief

The grief of child loss is too heavy to carry alone.  Giving yourself the time and space to grieve is so important. Healing a broken heart is not a quick process, and it cannot be rushed. Having a community to love you and grieve beside you can make all the difference in the long journey of healing.

Healing is a journey that takes time, but it does get easier. Less acute. All along the healing journey, God sends help and consolation. The comfort and support can arrive through so many different paths: The sacraments, spending time in the natural beauty of nature, His Word, through people in our lives, finding a good Catholic or Christian therapist, support groups, reading other parents' experiences of loss, through songs, through His priests, His Saints, and especially through Mary, a Mother who shares our pain of loss intimately. 

The small graces and consolations God sends each day are so needed to carry the heavy cross of loss. It's important to write down these moments of Grace and connection because, on the days when everything feels really, really dark, we forget. And when everything feels dark, the evil one will whisper all the lies to you, tempting you onto the slippery slope of hopelessness and despair. But if you've written the moments when God consoled you in your sorrow, you can go back and read the ways that God has been faithful to you, and that will give you hope. It will be a light to help you through the times of darkness.

Ways To Offer Help and Support to Grieving Parents

If your friend, daughter, sister, or other family member is living with the loss of a child, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, or after birth, there are lots of ways we can support them in their pain. Just being present and willing to sit with the grieving parents in their pain can be a consolation. Don't try to explain their pain away or try to give them hope for future children. That's honestly not helpful.

Just be willing to sit with them in their grief. Simply saying, "I'm so sorry for what you're going through.", is enough. Follow their lead. If they want to talk, be a listening ear without trying to solve anything. They usually don't need advice. They need to grieve at their own pace and in their own time. And be forewarned: that's a very, very slow process! Their lives have changed forever, and it takes time to figure out a new normal when you're grieving so deeply. As much as you want them to heal, be happy, and move on in their life, the process cannot be rushed. 

Practical help in the moment can mean so much. Helping with their other children so they can nap or go to adoration or Mass, creating a Mealtrain, cutting their lawn, hiring a temporary house cleaner. Doing the normal, everyday things can feel impossible when you're in the midst of trauma.

Simply asking, "How can I help?" isn't always helpful in the midst of trauma because the grieving parents aren't functioning, and even breathing feels hard! Ideally, a friend or family member who can be the contact person to coordinate help would be really useful. The least amount of decisions the grieving parents need to make outside of surviving, would be a huge help. 

Being loved through times of loss makes all the difference on the journey towards healing.

I was asked by my publisher to write a prayer for grieving parents that I will share here:

Dear Lord,

Please give us the grace to see through our tear-filled eyes the ways that you are working all things for good in our lives, especially within the losses that feel impossibly hopeless. Please give us the grace to hear the consolations that you whisper to us in our brokenness and grief. Please give us the understanding in our hearts that we need in order to receive your peace and healing.

We ask for Your gentle touch and Your healing Word to help us carry the grief, which, at times, threatens to crush us. For You, O Lord, are my hope.

Mary, please be a mother to me now. You truly understand the heart of a mother grieving for her child. Please wrap your mantle around all of us who suffer this very painful loss. Console us in our pain and draw us closer to your Son, who can make all things new. Amen

If you are looking for a resource as a grieving parent, or a way to help a friend or family member who has experienced loss, I encourage you to look into my new book, Journeying Through Infant Loss with Our Lady of Sorrows. Loss at any stage of development- miscarriage, stillbirth, or loss in infancy (and beyond)-can feel so isolating. Reading about another person's experience and journey through loss can give a grieving parent a sense of connection and hope. 

It can also help grandparents, family members, and friends wanting to gain a deeper understanding of the suffering their loved ones are experiencing in the midst of loss.

You can find Journeying Through Infant Loss With Our Lady of Sorrows at  Pauline Press or Amazon. 

This post first appeared on Catholicmom.com