No Batteries Required

We are on the cusp of one of the most challenging seasons of the year! As moms, we carry so much of the pressure to make magical holiday memories. There's a lot of list making, menu planning, grocery shopping, baking, cooking, gift buying and decorating that we will be managing until the end of the year. So, how can we create moments of delight while fostering peace, faith and all of the true meaning of the holiday season?

Focus, Pacing, and Heart Posture

I've been thinking about how to make peace and simplicity a focus of my own Advent this year. That doesn't mean I'm going to cut out all of my usual planning and traditions. I think it's more about my overall focus, pacing, and heart posture. 

What's our motivation behind all that we do to make Thanksgiving and Christmas special? The most important motivation for me is to show my family that I love them. And yet, I know there are moments in each holiday season when I lose sight of that, and my actions and reactions can make it seem that my to-do list is more important than the hearts I'm trying to serve well. When I allow overwhelm to run the show and become too rigid and try to white knuckle it through "my" plans instead of being flexible and accepting God's grace to pivot when things don't go as I had hoped. Age and experience has helped in my rigid hold on perfectionism, but it still trips me up from time to time. Especially during the holidays.

I'm noticing an internal desire growing inside of me to create space for quiet as part of my to do list for the season. Finding a less frenetic pace is also important to me. I want to avoid feeling like I'm in a constant state of overwhelm from Thanksgiving to New Year's Day! That constant adrenaline rush might help me get all those extra holiday tasks accomplished, but it leaves me exhausted, burned out, and joyless. I don't want to feel like I'm merely surviving or "getting through" the holidays. I want to be able to enter into them and extract any joy and grace that God wishes to give me in this particular year; the only year my children will be this particular age, and my grandchildren will be this particular age, and our parents are here celebrating with us. I want to remember that this time is a gift to unfold and unwrap even with all its imperfections. 

I'm thinking about all of our family traditions that create new memories while, at the same time, bring up past memories I want to savor. I find that as I get older, I'm spending more time reflecting on those memories and looking at them from a "grown-up" perspective. As a child, I was just excited to see my cousins and play whatever pretend game we came up with in the moment while sneaking black olives to put on our fingers. But now, I appreciate how much work my grandmother put into all those big holiday dinners so much more. I have a much better understanding how much time and love went into making a big meal, including the five different pies waiting in her sewing room for all of us to enjoy!

While Christmas gifts were always exciting, (and always hidden behind my grandfather's favorite chair where us kids were forbidden from peeking at until present time which was pure torture!), I can't recall any of the toys I received. ... even though I remember circling potential gifts in the Sear's catalog my Grandma handed me each Fall. The only gifts I actually remember specifically were the homemade slippers my grandma crocheted for each of us grandchildren and the footy pajamas she always gave us. I remember how we would change into them before we left her house on Christmas Eve and my dad would carry me and my sister to the car, (because our dress shoes wouldn't fit over the pj feet), and we would look at all the Christmas lights all the way home. 

I'm trying to remember that those are the memories that I've held onto after all these years as I create Christmas for my family this year. The impulse buys that overextend my budget and take away my peace aren't going to be what they remember. Stuff that overwhelms spaces isn't going to bring true joy. This is really hard for me because I really love to shop and I really love to give gifts! But this year, I am 100% dedicated to creating Christmas within our set budget. (Ok...if I'm honest I'm only 75% committed but I'm relying on God's grace to get me the rest of the way there! This is another way to turn away from my self-sufficient attempts to create the "perfect" Christmas on my own, and to strengthen my trust muscle and rely more into God's plan.)

I want my heart posture to mimic that of Mary as she travelled to Bethlehem carrying Jesus within her. Mary didn't have everything figured out, but she trusted. I can imagine the peace and the comfortable silence that filled large parts of the journey that must have been exhausting and uncomfortable for Mary.  But God provided, God was enough, and that first Christmas brought the greatest joy for Mary to savor. 

No batteries required. 

And in the spirit of sweet baby snuggles, I'm sharing a picture of our youngest granddaughter, Monica<3

Words and Mindset Matter

Words and mindset matter. 

That phrase might make a good t-shirt or mug, but it can also help to make a good life. What we think and our perspective can make a big difference when we face life struggles and decisions. 

I tend to be more prone to strive in life that to abide. I have a hard time with patience and trust...waiting for God, and truly believing that He will take care of me in the painful circumstances in my life, doesn't come naturally. I tend to do a good amount of doubting and second guessing: "What if God doesn't really hear me? Or doesn't have time for me? Maybe He already gave me a direction and I missed it?"

There was something that Sister Miriam James Heidland said in a recent Abiding Together Podcast (Season 17 Episode 2)  that has stuck in my head.  "The mystery is not something to be solved, but something to unfold."

This simple sentence gives me a whole different perspective. If I'm trying to "solve" a mystery, I'm actively working hard to figure it all out. My mind is constantly turning to think of different angles, causes, and outcomes. The mystery is taking up the majority of my time, energy and focus. Everyone and everything else around me is getting my scraps ... or being completely ignored. I can't ever turn off or truly rest until I figure it all out, or get to a point when I am so frustrated that I just give up altogether. 

But if I look at a mystery as Sister Miriam suggested, as something that needs to "unfold", then it gives me a completely different feeling internally. Letting something unfold does not depend all on me. Letting something unfold does not illicit a feeling of hurry or anxiety. Letting something unfold opens a sense of curiosity, watchful waiting, and hopeful expectancy. 

When I compare solving vs. unfolding, there's a clear winner for me. I'm all for less striving, more abiding and not feeling like everything depends on me. There's just one small problem. Letting life unfold requires two things that I'm not very good at. 

Why is it so hard to wait and to trust?!?

I mean, how will it unfold if I don't "help"? If I stop solving and striving, then I'm also giving up my illusion of control. The key word in that sentence is "illusion" because I was never really in control anyway. But I am really, really good at creating scenarios where I feel like I'm in control. 

What's behind this desire to hang on to imaginary control? For me, the driving emotion is fear. Fear of facing the reality that life might not turn out like I want it to. What if I can't help orchestrate the deep desires of my heart, or the desires of my child's heart or husband's heart or friend's heart? I could be disappointed or worse...devastated.

But the reality is that I was never in control. And I will never be in control. Holding onto the illusion of control is just me trying to self-protect. (Spoiler alert: self protection also doesn't really work. When we try to self protect, we actually cause more harm to ourselves. Our attempts to shelter us from emotional pain also blocks out joy and keeps us from living authentically.)

So what does work? And what do I gain if I wait for God and trust Him to unfold the mystery at the pace He wills?

One thing I gain is greater endurance and patience. Waiting for God to unfold the situations in my life are all opportunities to strengthen my "trust muscle". (And God is very generous at providing circumstances to practice trusting Him!)

I also grow in humility as I gain a deeper understanding of how little my worry, overthinking and micromanaging actually affects the outcomes of the "mysteries" in my life. Another thing that I gain is greater peace as God reminds me and teaches me that everything doesn't depend on me. My faith in God also grows. Everything always turns out better when I stop trying to do God's job, and let Him do all that He is able to do instead of getting in the way with my "helping". 

Maybe we can practice letting go of control and allowing God to unfold whatever "mysteries" we find ourselves facing in our lives this Fall, while focusing on having a sense of curiosity, watchful waiting, and hopeful expectancy. I'm going to give it a try!!

And just for fun, here's a cute pic of my granddaughter, Claire!
I just love her dimples and her little ponytails!

Seven Things We Can Learn From Our Lady of Sorrows

Our Lady of Sorrows has become a special devotion in my life. The feast day of Our Lady of Sorrows is September 15th, and I wanted to honor her with a blogpost. There's SO much to say about the depth of suffering that Mary endured while living her continual fiat to God's will for her and for her beloved Son. I want to share some things that I've learned from Mary's Seven Sorrows.

1. Prophecy of Simeon

Pictures of Our Lady of Sorrows show the seven swords that pierced her heart over Jesus' lifetime. The first of those swords came from the prophecy of Simeon, who tells Mary that her beloved infant will suffer and that her own heart will be pierced. Despite the fear and sorrow that Mary must have felt in that moment, she leaned into God and trusted. 

We've all had moments when circumstances in life inject fear deep into our heart and we have the choice to turn to God or to self-protect and turn to our own "isms" to try and cope. (i.e. food, alcohol, scrolling, etc.) Unfortunately, I seem to be better at choosing the second option. But through Mary's example and God's grace I'm learning to trust God more and turn to Him first, or at least more quickly, when life sends those zingers that hurt my heart.

2. Flight Into Egypt

Mary left everything at a moment's notice after Joseph's dream that sent them fleeing to Egypt to save Jesus from Herod's wrath. I can imagine the fear and the deep loss they felt as The Holy Family left everything they knew and everything familiar. But Mary still trusted and continued to step out in faith, even as her life took an unchosen and unexpected path. 

We can turn to her for consolation and to follow her example of having to create a life with less than ideal circumstances. Whether it's a move, a loss, a diagnosis, or some kind of trauma that leaves us in unfamiliar territory trying to piece together and create a "new normal", Mary understands when situations in our own life place us on a journey that we would not have chosen.

3. Loss of the Child Jesus in the Temple

Mary's faith and calm in the midst of fear is an amazing example for us. Diligently searching for Jesus and filled with worry, Mary still leans into God. And when she finally finds Jesus, Mary is honest about her feelings without any emotional fit.(I can say with certainty that my reaction would have come with a side of "freak out".) But Mary brings everything to God and "kept all these things in her heart."(See Luke 2:51) That's what she encourages us to do. In hard moments we are meant to pour out all of our big emotions to God so that He can help us to see His perspective so that we can react in patience and love. 

4. Meeting Jesus on the Road to Calvary

Mary teaches us to accompany those we love when they carry heavy crosses. Even though we can't take away their suffering, our prayerful presence can be the encouragement and comfort they so desperately need. Feeling as if we suffer alone makes any burden so much heavier. Maybe you can recall a time in your own life when a particular trial was lightened, even a small way, through another person's thoughtful words or a kind gesture? I know that I can. And while their action didn't take away all my pain, it did lessen the weight on my heart and let a little light shine into the darkness I was going through.

5. The Crucifixion

Mary gives us an example of unwavering faith as she stood at the foot of Jesus’ cross and watched her Son’s crucifixion. Mary did not despair, but continued to trust in God through her pain and tears. She held firm to God and His promise that He would never leave us or forsake us even when the circumstances she was facing could have convinced her otherwise.

We are given the gift of Mary's unwavering faith when we cling to God in tragic circumstances of this fallen world. When our lives fall apart, all we feel is darkness and brokenness, and yet we lean into God. Just like Mary. 

6. Jesus is Taken Down From the Cross and Laid in Mary's Arms

In the midst of intense loss, Mary's eyes were only on her Son. Mary did not try to bury her pain or distract herself from the pain by railing at the soldiers or the crowd that desired her Son's death.  Mary stayed in the moment and allowed herself to feel the deep grief piercing her heart. She continued to lay her heart before God and pour out all of her brokenness for Him to hold. 

Mary reminds us that in times of great sadness and grief, it's important to pour our own hearts out to God. We aren't meant to stuff or ignore or rush through our hard feelings. 

7. Jesus is Laid in the Tomb

This is my favorite Sorrow, although "favorite" seems like the wrong word to use when talking about Mary's deepest pain and suffering. But it's this Sorrow that gives me the greatest hope to cling to when I'm carrying unresolved brokenness and grief, because Mary never gave up hope as she walked away from the tomb. Despite the way it looked, the story didn't end when the stone was rolled in front of the tomb.

There was more.

There's always more. Even when we don't really believe it. Even when all we see before us is an ocean of brokenness and all we feel is pain and grief. That's not the end of our story. God is still working. He has a plan and His plan is good.

I pray that Mary keeps each and every one of us wrapped in her mantle, especially in times of suffering. Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us!

(This post first appeared on Catholicmom.com:)

This is one of my favorite pics of OLOS. You can find it on Etsy at Sanctified Souls!

P.S. I was on a podcast!!!! It was such a fun experience to be a guest on the Mourning Glory Podcast! We had a great conversation about Our Lady of Sorrows. Here's the link so you can take a listen!

Mourning Glory Podcast: Our Lady of Sorrows

Having Hands and Hearts Wide Open

As soon as the calendar turns from July to August, there's an ache I try to ignore. Because every August I go through a cycle of grief and loss. As the days of August slip by, seeming to gain momentum even as I try my hardest to slow down and hold on tight to summer days, the first day of school looms closer and closer on the calendar for those of us in the Northeast. 

I start to become more reflective, looking back over the summer months that always seem like an almost endless amount of time when school vacation starts in June but always goes by way too quickly. I think of all of my summer goals that I hoped to accomplish, many that still stare back at me from my to-do list. I question whether I loved enough, was present enough, or had a good balance of activities making fun memories and time to "just be". Did I do a good enough job helping my kids to "live life" detached from technology? Did I use the time that I was given well enough?

There Is No Perfection In Motherhood

The reality is that, just like every summer, there are times when I lived up to the hopes and expectations that I set for myself and times when I fell short. There is no perfection in motherhood! There is only the opportunity to wake up each day and try to live in the moment, love my kids as best I can, and trust that God will make up any difference between what they truly need and what I'm able to give them.

New Routines and New Graces

Surrendering to the change of routine and accepting the end of those special summer moments can be hard. There is an element of relief to get back into a steady routine ... and for some moms there may be downright giddiness for kids to be back in school!

Wherever we find ourselves on the barometer of feelings, change is here. And for all of us, there is Grace to navigate these new routines and expectations. Even though I can't grasp and hold onto summer, I can hold fast to the truth that God is always with me and that, as it says in Lamentations 3:22-23,

His "acts of mercy are not exhausted, his compassion is not spent, 

They are renewed each morning - great is your faithfulness!

New graces every morning make me feel hope for the coming months. And speaking of hope, I remembered something this week! Even though I'm grieving the end of the slower paced days of summer and surrendering to time moving forward in the lives of my last two children still in school, one thing that hasn't ended yet is the Jubilee Year of Hope. I can look to this next season to watch for the special graces that God still has planned for me and for my family and friends.

That feels like a consolation to me. It's a reminder to me that God is still working, that He still has plans for me and that those plans are good.(see Jeremiah 29:11) And that's especially true in this Jubilee Year. I so want to be open to each and every grace that God might desire to pour into me. I long for Him to fill all of the places where I feel so inadequate, that are in darkness, or that are broken. For God to fill every part of me where I long to have His merciful love pour into and bring wholeness and healing so that I can be a better wife, mother, grammy, daughter, sister and friend. Graces for clarity and direction to fulfill whatever His plans are for me in this next season of my life. 

And while I will certainly allow myself moments to feel and process the sadness and the bittersweet passing of time, I choose not to get stuck there. The posture I want to have is one of gratitude for the summer memories, mercy for the times I failed to live up to my expectations, and hope for what God will reveal as August turns into September and beyond.

I hope that we can all stand with our hands and hearts wide open for whatever blessings God has prepared for us this Fall!

A pic from our short Maine summer getaway 

Waiting With Hope

In honor of this Jubilee Year of Hope, Catholicmom.com wanted to do a series for July called "Hope Found in Prayer".  Prayer is such a personal experience and different for everyone. We may be saying the same prayers out loud, but the words are being absorbed into our hearts and minds in different ways. Even as individuals, the same prayer or Bible passage can hit us in completely different ways depending on the season of life we are in or whatever situation we are working through.

For this particular Catholicmom series, all of the contributing writers were asked to share about a specific prayer that brings them hope. For me, the prayer that brings me hope is the Seven Sorrows of Mary. 

Mary suffered so much over the course of her life. And because of her experiences, we can be assured that we have a Heavenly mother who understands our own painful life circumstances and who longs to pour consolation into our hurting hearts. 

A Grace From Mary

Learning about the Seven Sorrows of Mary was a grace for me when our daughter, Therese was born with a fatal genetic disorder and passed away at sixteen days old in 1998. Mary's Seven Sorrows gave me a way to connect some of the most sorrowful moments of my life to each of her sorrows during Therese's 16 day journey on earth. In the time of some of my deepest grief, Mary's experiences helped me to feel understood and less alone in my pain.

 The Seven Sorrows

For anyone not familiar with the Seven Sorrows of Mary, it consists of saying seven "decades" that include an Our Father and seven Hail Mary's. For each "decade" you meditate on the following sorrows that Our Lady suffered during her lifetime:

1. The Prophecy of Simeon
2. The Flight into Egypt
3. The Loss of the Child Jesus in the Temple
4. Meeting Jesus on the Road to Calvary
5. Standing at the Foot of the Cross
6. Jesus is Taken Down from the Cross and Placed in Mary's Arms
7. The Burial of Jesus

Out of the Seven Sorrows, it's the Seventh Sorrow that gives me the most hope right now. Which seems pretty ironic ... after all, in the Seventh Sorrow, Jesus has died and is laid in a tomb. Mary no longer even has the presence of Jesus' body to give her any semblance of comfort. She walks away from the tomb after the day when the most horrific pain and grief has pierced her heart. But that's not the part of the sorrow that gives me hope.

What gives me hope is Mary's unwavering trust and hope that remains alive in her broken heart even in the most hopeless of circumstances. Mary leaves Jesus' tomb grieving, but she doesn't despair. She is waiting on God and trusting that He will bring good out of the horror that she had just lived through. As Saint John Paul the Great said about Mary after Jesus had been laid in the tomb, Mary "alone remains to keep alive the flame of faith, preparing to receive the joyful and astonishing announcement of the Resurrection."(Address at the General Audience, 3 April 1996; L'Osservatore Ramano English edition, 10 April 1996, p.7)

When everyone else around her had given up, Mary was the only one who kept the hope of the church alive on that first Holy Saturday. Mary's example gives me hope and courage. Because as women and mothers, how often do we find ourselves trying to keep faith alive within our family? The brokenness in our lives that appears to have little hope, yet we still call out to God and wait for Him to resurrect what seems lost. The relationships that only He can breathe life back into that we refuse to give up on.

What situations are you waiting for Jesus to resurrect in your life?

And while it will most likely take longer than one Holy Saturday for the circumstances and relationships that we are waiting on and praying for to be resurrected, we can wait with our Heavenly Mother for the redemption of our circumstances in God's timing. She will tend to our broken hearts, console us, and give us hope and fortitude in our waiting.

Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us!

(If you would like to read more articles written for Catholicmom's Month of Hope, click here)

This is currently one of my favorite pictures of OLOS. You can find it at Sanctified Souls.

Tea For Two & T-Rex For Tea

What do you do when you have a combined birthday party for a sweet two year old little girl and a dinosaur loving four year old boy? Well, you invite some dinosaurs to a tea party, of course!

This past weekend, we celebrated my grandson, Xavier's, 4th birthday and his sister, Claire's, 2nd birthday. We hosted the party at our house, but my son, Andrew, and daughter-in-law, Liz, (aka Xavier and Claire's mom and dad), created the party themes, decorations, and favors for the special day.

I love being a part of themed parties. I really enjoy all of the research to find cute ideas on different blogs and Pinterest. There's always a wide array of creativeness, difficulty, and cost to what people have spent creating party magic. One blog I read mentioned "only spending a few hundred dollars" on balloon arches! (Gulp!) That wasn't in our particular budget...(and thankfully when we have parties with balloon arches, my creatively dispositioned daughter-in-law, Marisa, takes care of that for us for only the cost of the balloons!.)

The day of the party, we had amazing weather for our outdoor party! (Thank you, God!) Warm but not humid. Perfect for swimming in the pool, which almost all the kids took advantage of. There was a nice breeze in the shade that made it perfect for sitting out side. It was just a perfect summer day!

Andrew made this sign:)

And we had to have a Happy Birthday sign with a dino flair, too!

Of course, the food is the most important part of the party! (and was a group effort!) 

A pretty fruit platter for Claire

A dino veggie platter(thanks to Auntie Kate!)

And what's a party without desserts! Adorable tea cup and dinosaur cupcakes(thanks to Babci..she's so creative! and I love the dino cupcake toppers I found on Amazon!), brownies by Aunt Jenny, fun (and tasty) confetti scones by Liz, chocolate chip cookies, dino sugar cookies that Xavier, Ambrose, and Leo helped to decorate and flower sugar cookies that I asked Marisa to make pretty! 

Liz made these cute and tasty tea sandwiches! turkey and pesto, cucumber and chicken salad!

Also served but not pictured: pulled pork, "Brontosaurus burgers", "Gigantosaurus Glizzies"(hot dogs), "Raptor Bites"(dino chicken nuggets), "lava lasagna"(thanks, Grandpa), potato salad(thanks, Grandma Red), "pterodactyl wings"(doritos), "dino scales"(chips), and "dino eggs"(grapes)

The birthday boy!

The birthday girl!

Ambrose and Leo

Charlie

Grandma and Pa with Aurora

Pool fun!

Claire is a cookie monster!

Babci and baby Monica

More Monica cuteness!

Liz created a dino egg hunt that all the kids loved! (Thanks for hiding the eggs Uncle Luke!) and she found the cutest favors for all the kids(we had 13 kids 6 and under at the party!) The kids all loved them!

Xavier trying out the dinosaur party favors!

Our niece, Isla, sporting the girls' tea party favor<3

Ambrose and Leo using the favors for a real life adventure in Dinosaur State Park in CT the day after the party!

It was such a fun day visiting with extended family and family friends. Xavier and Claire had a great time playing with all the kids. (And nobody went home hungry!) I call that a success!

Seeking Hope for Restoration

A couple of months ago, (or maybe even a bit longer since time just feels like it's flying by!), I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts, Abiding Together. Sister Miriam James Heidland was talking about using our imaginations to place ourselves in the Holy Family's House in Nazareth. She encouraged listeners to imagine spending time with the Holy family and consider what that interaction would look and sound like; maybe a conversation with Mary, or watching Jesus working with Saint Joseph in their workshop. 

And while that sounded peaceful, I can't say that it felt right for me. Peace isn't the word that jumps into my mind when I think of some of the hard things that I navigate in my own family. So imagining interacting with the Holy Family in their home in Nazareth left me feeling unconnected and that I just didn't fit in there.

I kept coming back to Sister Miriam's meditation idea over the next couple of weeks. At some point, I thought about how the Holy Family didn't just live all of their quiet, peaceful years in Nazareth. They also spent several years living in Egypt to protect Jesus from King Herod. 

Escape to a Strange Land

"Now when they had departed, behold, an angel of the lord appeared to Joseph in a dream and said, "Rise, take the child and his mother, and flee to Egypt, and remain there till I tell you; for Herod is about to search for the child, to destroy him." And he rose and took the child and his mother by night, and departed to Egypt, and remained there until the death of Herod. This was to fulfil what the Lord had spoken by the prophet, "Out of Egypt have I called my son."

Mary and Joseph found themselves living in a faraway place without any of their familiar comforts. They left in a hurry, fearing for their beloved Son's life, so what they would have had time to pack would have been minimal. They left their familiar environment. In Egypt, the Holy Family lived without the physical and emotional connection of their family and friends. They lived without their usual faith community or place of worship. And they had to create a temporary life in Egypt without knowing exactly how "temporary" it would be.

Relating to Being Uprooted

Some of us may be facing the challenge of being physically uprooted from our environment because of a move to a new home or even a new part of the country. But more of us can relate to the emotional uprooting that happens when something significant changes our everyday lives. A diagnosis, loss of a job, fracture in a family relationship, death of a love one, etc., can all leave us feeling that we've been stranded in a strange land. Since life is often messy and we live in a fallen world, maybe you can relate better at this moment to the Holy Family living in exile, trying to create a new "normal" in a place they didn't expect to be.

For me, it definitely feels more fitting and comforting to imagine myself with the Holy Family during their time in Egypt. It's a comfort to know that Mary also had to navigate through hard, unexpected circumstances and love and care for her family with what God provided even when His plan contained details and a timeline that wasn't what she imagined. I can imagine how hard it was to adjust to daily living in a foreign country, the concern she had as she encouraged Saint Joseph as he found ways to make a living to support his little family, and the love she poured out to Jesus as she created a home and tried to find community in the midst of all the uncertainty.

Mary's perfect trust in God regardless of her circumstances is always something worth pondering, and that perfect trust is worth asking for the grace to do ourselves, in the midst of our own challenges that life throws our way - especially those crosses that are not quickly or easily rectified. 

Imagine sitting with Mary in Egypt and pouring out all of your fears over the broken details in your life right now, knowing that she understands living in a difficult situation filled with a lot of unknowns. Asking her how to be patient in the waiting and how to trust when it feels like things will never be normal or "ok" again. Asking her how to love and care for our spouse and children in the midst of hard circumstances. 

Most of all, we can ask for the gift of hope as we wait with expectation of how God will restore what has been lost. 

(And introducing our newest bundle of hope: our granddaughter, Monica Michelle)

It Doesn't All Depend on Me

A couple of weeks ago, after a particularly frustrating afternoon that was marked by feelings of inadequacy and failure, I was able to escape outside for a quick walk. My usual walk routine is to listen to a podcast while I circle around our neighborhood, but on that particular day, I felt so emotionally discombobulated that I started the walk in silence. On the surface, the source of my frustration seemed clear: my own tiredness, two rambunctious four year olds that struggled to listen and the daily OCD behaviors of my special needs son that came to a boiling point all highlighted my own impatience and left me feeling like I had no control over anything. I felt like a failure.

As I walked and shared my heart with God, other situations in my life where I felt inadequate and a lack of control also started to bubble up. I realized that some of my feelings were bigger than the issues of the moment dictated. And while it took a quiet adoration hour the next morning to pray and journal in order to get to the root of where feeling like a failure ultimately came from, talking to God on that walk kept my hurting heart open. And He had a little something to say to me, even though He didn't take away all the hard feelings as I walked my usual loop.

After I had spilled out everything to God and kept walking in silence trying to take in the beauty of the spring world around me in an effort to calm my nervous system, I had a thought that I'm pretty sure came from Him:

"I need to let God love them through me."

As I pondered what that meant, I realized that when I start to feel inadequate and like a failure as I try to care for the people that I love, I begin to feel like everything depends on me. That I'm the one who needs to fill them and fix them. (Which is a lie and totally impossible and just makes me feel more inadequate and more like a failure...and perpetuates a negative thinking spiral.)

The reality is that I'm not enough for anyone and I'm certainly not enough for everyone in my life at every given moment! That's God's job, and I can certainly never be successful at that!

Maybe you can relate to the struggle with self sufficiency? It's so easy to get caught up relying on our own strength. The desires behind it are often well meaning. We want our family to feel loved and cared for, and that's a good thing. But if we try to love them and care for them in our own strength, that runs out pretty quickly. Then we are left completely depleted and looking at all the ways that we are falling short. 

There's always so much that I want to give to my husband, children and grandchildren. As mothers, so much of the giving that we do is in the shadows. There are so many ways that we pour into our family that they never even see. We want them to know that they are thought of and loved so often in our minds and hearts. All the planning and the prepping for holidays, birthdays, and milestone celebrations. All the times that we see something that reminds us of them.  We want our love to fill their hearts.

Yet, there are moments when all that we do never feels like "enough". And then there are those times where we lose our patience and say things we wish we hadn't that seem to speak louder than all the love we try to pour into them. Discouragement can slip in and make us feel hopeless - like we are trying to fill up an ocean with a cracked plastic pail.

But like I learned on my walk, "enough" isn't supposed to come from me. It's supposed to come from God through me.

Another Parent Who Tried to Be "Enough"

There's a parent in the Bible who tries to be "enough" for his daughter. Jairus was one of the rulers of the synagogue who was searching for Jesus to beg him to come and save his dying daughter. Jairus does find him and Jesus agrees to come with him. Jairus must have felt such relief, but also a sense of extreme urgency to get Jesus to his daughter before it was too late. 

But then there's a shift in the focus of the story. Jesus stops to minister to the hemorrhaging women. I was thinking about how Jairus might have felt during Jesus' miracle and interaction.  Jairus was carrying such a heavy emotional burden. It must have been so incredibly hard to stop for any amount of time with the worry that he carried about his daughter.  Even though Jairus had sought out Jesus, maybe Jairus felt that it was all up to him to get Jesus to his daughter in order for his actions to be enough and save her. 

In the midst of this interruption, Jairus' worst fears came true. People from Jairus' house arrive and tell him his daughter has died. Grief must have permeated Jairus along with the sense that he had failed his daughter by not getting Jesus to her in time. But we all know that's not the end of the story.(see Mark 5: 21-24,35-43)  Because Jesus' abilities go far beyond our limited human strength. 

This little girl's healing came from Jesus through Jairus' efforts to love and care for his daughter. Because it came from Jesus, it was more than enough. Her healing transcended interruptions, hopelessness and even death.

And this gives us hope as parents. God, not Google, needs to be our first stop when our kids are facing physical, emotional or spiritual situations that seem impossible for us to fix. We need to remember that whenever our best efforts fall short, that is exactly where God is waiting and where His power shines the brightest. We need to remember that we do not fight for our children on our own...and that's something that I need God to remind me of over and over again!

"The Lord will fight for you; you have only to keep still."(Exodus 14:14)

The Gift of Rest

The peace of this school vacation week has been a balm to my very weary soul. After a Lent that was full to the brim, a nonstop Holy Week, and Easter day, having time to just "be" and think, nap and even deep clean(!) has felt so amazing. I've tried to enjoy this slower pace and allow each day to just develop. Going into the week, I actually felt a lot of guilt and stress because I wanted to have a few fun things planned to do with Kate and Luke and I was having a hard time figuring what to do. I still feel out of my element trying to plan fun things for my young teens. I miss the days when trips to the zoo and playground made them so excited and made me feel like a really good mom! It took some work, but I was able to surrender all the hard feelings and spend some time praying each day that God would help me plan what was best for all of us. Because in the past, the guilt has totally derailed the time off I had and left me feeling deflated and discouraged...and I didn't want that to happen again.

And while we haven't done anything big most of the week, the kids have actually enjoyed the slower pace as well. They did some deep cleaning of their rooms(my favorite), and had lots of time to work on their own craft projects.(their favorite!) Kate had some time with friends and they both had a couple of Jackbox game nights with some of their siblings. We went out for ice cream, breakfast and lunch on three different days. Jay was able to get an unexpected day off on Friday, so we are going to take Kate and Luke on a day trip to Boston. (Which makes me feel good that we can provide a little adventure and "small" family time for them!) And Luke and Jay are going to see the 25th anniversary showing of Revenge of the Sith on Saturday, which Luke is really excited about. 

This little hiatus from my usual full time schedule is making me long for summer to arrive quickly to experience even more of this slower pace.  And while I've had moments of anxiety about the return to normal chaos next week, I keep just turning my thoughts to gratitude for the time that I've been given.

Today, after sharing takeout lunch and a boba smoothie with Luke and Kate, I sat on the steps of our deck in the sunshine. The weather was just perfect and I felt so calm as the warmth of the wood seeped into my legs, the sound of birds singing filled my ears, and the beautiful colors of spring filled me with anticipation for the summer weather that will be coming before I know it. 

As I sat on the deck reading a book, (a true luxury in the middle of the day for me), I saw a crow perching at the very tip of the fir tree in our yard. It flew away and a hawk came out from its hiding place in the same tree and flew into the woods.  I felt excited for the buds growing on the trees and plants and I love that the grass is so green! As I looked around, I was able to overlook the spattering of plastic Easter eggs still littering the yard, the dozen tomato stakes strewn across the patio that my grandson, Ambrose, relocated yesterday to make a "bridge", and the shed that needs repainting. My focus was not on what needed to be done, it was on the natural beauty all around me. I'm not always able to see that.

The landscape hasn't changed a whole lot in the last week, but my ability to receive it has. I've finally been able to stop and be fully present and allow myself to truly rest. It's been quite a long time since I've been able to slow my mind and body down enough to just live in the moment. It's made me realize how important this is and that I would like to feel this calm more often. At least for this week, I will receive it as the great gift that it is. 

My two princesses, Aurora and Claire!

Those cheeks!!!

End of Lent Pep Talk!

As Lent draws to a close, I find myself feeling a little disappointed. 

Let me clarify: I'm not disappointed about Lent being over. I'm starting to feel like Lent has been going on for.ev.er! And to be completely honest, Lent has never been my favorite season. It's all those involuntary sacrifices that pop up during Lent...the illnesses, unexpected medical procedures, unexpected losses, and unexpected hardships and inconveniences... that make each week even more, well, "Lenty", than I really wanted Lent to be.

The disappointment I feel comes from a place of unmet expectations about the changes that I hoped Lent would make in me. The growth that I thought might happen during Lent hasn't come to fruition yet. And since we are almost at the end, there's a good chance that I will fall short of my own hopes and goals.

But the key words in that last paragraph are "I" and "my", as in the changes that  "I" expected and "my" hopes and goals. Because Lent is supposed to be about growing closer to God by working on removing the things in my life that keep me from Him and adding things into my life that He inspires that will accomplish greater intimacy with Him. So what really matters isn't the direction that Lent took or how well I did or didn't do on the things I took away or the prayers that I added in. If I can focus on the areas of my heart that God did choose to work on and any growth that I can see, then maybe I can shift my attitude of disappointment to an "attitude of gratitude"!

Maybe some of us, (myself included), need an "End of Lent Pep Talk"!

I really need to remember that, just because parts of my Lent became a journey that I wasn't expecting, that doesn't mean that I haven't experienced growth. God did give me the grace of a big perspective shift right at the beginning of Lent.  By reading "Jesus and the Jubilee" by Dr. John Bergsma and listening to a podcast by Fr. Mike Schmitz on the desert as a place of training for the Israelites, I was able to enter Lent in a whole new way. 

I didn't enter Lent this year with a sense of dread for all those involuntary penances that would come my way. Instead, I entered Lent with a posture of curiosity as to what God was trying to teach me and heal me from. A small change in perspective can make a familiar time like Lent feel like a whole new experience.

I always thought of the Israelite's forty year journey through the desert as a punishment for their doubt, unbelief, and idol worshipping. But the Israelites time in the desert wasn't a punishment, it was a gift. It was a time when God drew the Israelites to Himself and worked to free them from the slavery mindset of Egypt that had been stamped into their hearts for hundreds of years. During the time in the desert, God taught the Israelites who He was and how to depend on Him. That generation spent the rest of their lives unlearning and being healed from all they had suffered.

By doing the hard work with God, the Israelites were writing a new story of healing and faith, not slavery, to pass down to the next generations. The Israelites needed a new story and so do we. 

We spend Lent wandering through the deserts of our own hearts where God is teaching us about who He really is and helping to separate us from our slavery mindset to the idols that we hold onto. Maybe we didn't make the progress that we wanted to this Lent...but I think if we spend some time reflecting, (and get past our perfectionism), that God will show us the progress we did make. And where we fell short gives us the opportunity to embrace our spiritual poverty and continue turning to God and ask for His help. 

We need to remember that our transformation and growth don't stop just because Lent ends. Especially this year! 2025 is a special year because Pope Francis has declared it a Jubilee year. A Jubilee year is filled with an outpouring of special graces given by God for healing and restoration for ourselves, our families, and our communities. In an article for Franciscan at Home titled "Jesus and the Jubilee: Reflections for the Jubilee Year 2025, Dr. Bergsma shares:

"Lived well, this Jubilee year can be a moment of miracle and grace for all of us, a kind of yearlong spiritual Christmas season in which we daily awake to open the grace that God our Father so lovingly gives us."

I don't know about you, but a "yearlong spiritual Christmas" sounds amazing! So even if Lent hasn't finished the way we wanted it to, let's continue leaning into the graces that this special Jubilee year offers to us each day. 

(And let's all try to keep our mind off of our own expectations and focus on the growth that God is doing in His time!)

Prayers for a blessed Holy Week and Easter!

pic from our trip to Niagara Falls last summer:)

When A Saint Reaches Into Our Lives

Sometimes in difficult life situations we go searching for a saint, but sometimes it seems that a saint comes searching for us.  

Several years ago, my daughter was going through some severe trauma that had a huge impact on my own heart. Only three weeks into the struggle, we were still in a state of shock and steeped deep in survival mode where even breathing felt like it took a lot of work. I couldn't figure out how to stop the pain in order to try and find some path of healing I wasn't sure even existed.

As I dragged myself out of bed to head to daily Mass to continue begging God for help, I felt a nudge to invite my daughter to come with me. It turns out that on that particular morning, God was orchestrating a Divine appointment.

Connecting With a Saint

What I didn't realize before we got to Mass was that particular day happened to be Saint Maria Goretti's feast day. While I knew her story, I did not have a deep devotion to Saint Maria Goretti. Yet, in that moment, I knew that God had inspired my daughter to accept my invitation so that He could minister to her through Saint Maria Goretti. And minister He did.

My daughter also knew Saint Maria Goretti's story and during Mass she also felt that God was comforting her heart through the intercession of this special saint. As Mass ended, our pastor at the time announced that he had a first class relic for all of us to venerate. Saint Maria Goretti was literally present at Mass with us. 

After Mass and venerating the relic, we knelt in the quiet church to pray. Our pastor, who knew what my daughter was working through, came up to us and said, "I think that Saint Maria Goretti wants to go home with you today." And he generously allowed my daughter to borrow the relic for several days. There was a great sense of peace that entered my daughter's heart that day. While God did not work a complete miracle of healing through Saint Maria Goretti, He did give us a smaller "miracle of a moment". Saint Maria Goretti brought some respite to our home and reminded us of God's love and care in the midst of a painful situation.

From Tragedy to Sainthood

Saint Maria Goretti was born in Italy in 1890. She lost her father at a young age to malaria and Maria watched her five younger siblings while her mother worked to support them. When Maria was eleven, her neighbor, Alessandro Serenelli, tried to physically assault her. She resisted his attempts, shouting that it was a sin and put his soul in danger. In anger, Alessandro stabbed her 14 times. Maria died twenty-four hours later, forgiving her murderer for all around her to hear. Alessandro was sentenced to thirty years in prison. He was unrepentant and angry until Maria appeared to him in a dream eight years into his sentence. Maria gave Alessandro 14 lilies and repeated her forgiveness for him to hear and for her desire that he be in Heaven with her one day. Alessandro had a change of heart and, when he was released from prison, went straight to Maria's mother to beg forgiveness before joining a religious community. Maria's mother not only forgave him, but she came to consider him an adopted son. When Maria was canonized in 1950, her mother and Alessandro were both present, kneeling beside each other.

Deeper Lessons

It's such a grace when a saint reaches into our lives in such an evident way. Saint Maria Goretti's visit to us on her feast day that year was a gift that I will always treasure. And while it was instrumental in bringing some relief to an acute situation, our visit with Saint Maria Goretti opened a door for greater reflection on her life and a broader focus on our own story.

As a mom, I was drawn to the reaction of Saint Maria Goretti's mother and all that she suffered. Maria's mother, Assunta, suffered the horrible trauma of watching her daughter die from the wounds caused by their neighbor's brutal assault. Assunta had to live with the pain that she wasn't present to protect Maria from Alessandro as she worked through her grief over Maria's death. And yet, Assunta accepted the grace to forgive Alessandro when he came to her after his release from prison. 

Assunta's ability to forgive herself and to forgive Alessandro and allow him to be a part of her life were definitely great graces from God. Assunta, who followed her daughter's example to forgive, continues to give me much to ponder and challenges me in my own life situation to keep my heart open and allow God to work. Forgiveness, mercy, and healing do not come easily (or quickly) to our hearts that are broken when someone has hurt us or our loved ones. But if we can keep our hearts open to God, He can redeem our brokenness into wholeness and use our experiences for His greater glory.

Saint Maria Goretti, pray for us and all those that we love who have been hurt by another. Please open our hearts to give and receive forgiveness, repentance, and to allow God in to redeem the most broken parts of our hearts. Amen

I wrote this post as part of Catholicmom.com’s Holy Women’s History Month. Each day in March a writer has shared a personal story of how different female saints have interceded in their lives. You can check out all of the other reflections on their website!:) 

The "Trying Threes"

Three is not my favorite age.

With all eight of my children, I always found their three year old year to be the most challenging. The cute toddler often morphed into moments of being a tiny tyrant once they were three. There's a willfulness that emerges and three year olds aren't as easily redirected. When they want something ...or don't want something... you're going to know about it and they don't give up as easily as they used to. There's lots of silliness that's harder to distract them from, and they easily pick up bad habits from other young kiddos that drive their parents, (and grandparents!) crazy.

In the Trenches

Two of my sons and their wives are experiencing this phase of childhood. One son has a three year old boy and the other has three year old twin boys. Parenting one three year old has challenging moments. When the twin three year olds are having challenging moments it feels like I'm a referee with a broken whistle at the WWE wrestling match! Sometimes it's only one of the twins that is testing and pushing limits but, quite often, the other starts to mimic the negative behavior and it's a two on one moment of extreme silliness where they've lost the ability to listen to Grammy's demands to cease and desist.

My three big boys hard at work making memories (and messes!) with Grammy:)

Nothing Lasts Forever

Despite how hard it can be to have two kids in the same difficult stage at once, I do have the experience to know that even the hardest stages don't last forever. I watch the twins and their almost 18 month old brother three days a week. The twins turn four next month, and I'm praying that some of the challenges we've had in the last several months will be extinguished with the Paw Patrol candles they blow out at their birthday party. 

My son has joked a few times with me lately, "Mom, think how easy it will be when the twins are in preschool next year and you only have one to watch." And while that certainly will be easier, I don't want to wish this moment away with the twins either.

I know that there is joy to be had even in the difficult stage. And while it's easy to allow the negatives to build up and slip into a posture of "white knuckling" until things get easier, that kind of thinking keeps me from being present in the moment and robs me of any good happening in the 'right now'. Early childhood is a really special time of development. Never again do you have the same amount of time with your children or grandchildren once they start school. Everything changes - and that's exciting and sad all at the same time.

Knowing that my time with the boys is dwindling gives me the encouragement to work through the moments when they push and challenge me so that we can get back to an atmosphere of, well, more 'normal chaos', so that I can love on them and enjoy them. I want to be able to stop and savor the moments with the three year olds when Leo asks me to sit and snuggle with him, or Ambrose excitedly wants to show me the block tower that he's built, or Xavier wants to tell me the "joke" he's come up with all on his own. These moments are fleeting and I don't want to miss out on them; even on the days that it's a see-saw of time-outs, redirection, and starting over dozens of times.

Living through the "Trying Threes" definitely makes me lean into God many times a day. Short prayers begging for patience slide through my lips just as frequently as "Do you have to go potty?" and "We need to keep our hands to ourselves!". There are days that the boys leave my house and I'm feeling grateful and have peace (and am also in desperate need of a nap!) But on the harder days, I feel very inadequate and question if someone else could be doing a better job with them and that I'm failing at being a grammy. Those feelings aren't all that different from the times that I have felt/still feel inadequate and that I'm failing as a mom. I don't think that I expected that fear of failure and not being enough to travel with me to this next generation. Yet, here it is.

Thankfully there's something else that followed me into life with a new generation: faith. In a lot of ways, praise God, it's much stronger than in my early years of motherhood. And while there's still lots of room to grow, loving and living life with these little ones gives me lots of opportunities to turn to God, admit my poverty, and ask for His grace to pour into me so I can pour into all those He has entrusted to me. 

"The Lord's acts of mercies are not exhausted, his compassion is not spent:

they are new every morning - great is your faithfulness."(Lamentations 3:22-23)

Life With (Yet Another) Teenager

My youngest officially entered into the teenage years in December. I've experienced seven other children enter the teenage years and lived to tell about it! And while each experiences has been different, I have to say that this time around I've noticed that the popular slang seems much more prevalent. (And confusing!)

There's just so much of it! I feel like slang in the more recent past consisted of a few words here or there. But sometimes it feels like Gen Z is creating a whole new language! And while occasionally it's fun to tease my two teenagers by using their slang poorly, most of the time it just leaves me shaking my head!!

My daughter kindly created this slang "cheat sheet" for Me:

Joy and Sorrow

The pre-teen and teenage years can be overwhelming for parents. Even Mary and Joseph had a moment in Jesus' adolescence that brought them pain and confusion. 

"Each year his parents went to Jerusalem for the feast of Passover, and when he was twelve years old, they went up according to festival custom. After they had completed its days, as they were returning, the boy Jesus remained behind in Jerusalem, but his parents did not know it. Thinking that he was in the caravan, they journeyed for a day and looked for him among their relatives and acquaintances, but not finding him, they returned to Jerusalem to look for him. After three days they found him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions, and all who heard him were astounded at his understanding and his answers. When his parents saw him, they were astonished, and his mother said to him, "Son, why have you done this to us? Your father and I have been looking for you with great anxiety." And he said to them, "Why were you looking for ? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?" But they did not understand what he said to them. He went down with them and came to Nazareth, and was obedient to them; and his mother kept all these things in her heart. And Jesus advanced in wisdom and age favor before God and man." (Luke 2:41-52)

The Finding in the Temple is the Fifth Joyful Mystery of the Rosary. But this event, Losing the Child Jesus in the Temple, is also the Third of Mary's Seven Sorrows. And if there's anything that defines the teenage years, it's a mix of joy and sorrow. 

As your child grows and changes into a teenager and young adult it creates new ways to communicate and spend time together. (At least it can be when they answer our questions about their day with more than the word "fine" and aren't hibernating in their room!) And while there is joy to see our children become the men and women God created them to be, there is also sadness in the long, hard process of letting go. 

I've been thinking about Mary's Third Sorrow quite a bit in the last couple of months. The trip to the temple that year marked a turning point in Mary's mothering and her relationship with her Son. Mary obviously wasn't expecting Jesus to stay behind in Jerusalem. Mary and Joseph looked for Jesus with "great anxiety". Even Jesus' answer to them wasn't what they expected. Mary and Joseph were being grown and stretched by Jesus’ growth and change. Though he returned home with them, something was different. The loss of Jesus in the temple reminded Mary and Joseph of the reality of Jesus' mission. And while Mary knew how to live perfectly in the present moment loving and caring for her Son, the sorrow of knowing that Jesus' mission would eventually lead to her losing His constant physical presence and bring her closer to Simeon's prophecy of a "sword piercing her heart" was also present.  

That happens to us too. Our relationship with our preteen and teenage children shifts along with their growth spurts and hormones. Sometimes it feels that our sweet, loving children turn into teenagers overnight. Frequent snuggles, reading books together, and them wanting to be in our presence with our full attention that is the reality of our everyday life for years becomes a rare occurrence. Our child's reaction to us starts to change and it isn't what we have come to expect. As parents, we are grown and stretched by our children's growth and change. 

And Mary shows us how to work through that as a mother. Mary shows us how to ponder changes and difficult moments by prayerfully reflecting instead of reacting. Through joys and sorrows, Mary shows us how to accept God's Will in her life even when it's unexpected and difficult.  She teaches us how to  surrender each situation and trust God all while keeping her heart open to the unknown. Mary lives each moment fully alive.

I hope to learn from Mary's example as I journey through the joys and challenges as the mom of a teenager one last time.