A New Little Life

Every time one of our older kids has shared the announcement that they were expecting has been a time of celebration and joy. Each of my grandchildren's pregnancy and birth stories have been special, and all filled with their own moments of joys and sorrows. We recently welcomed our sixth grandchild into our family. Her story has been filled with lots of twists and turns, but also with lots of reminders of Who is in control regardless of our circumstances.

Hoping to Become a Mama

My daughter, Sarah, is our third child to get married. She was looking forward to having her own little one after she married her husband, Mike, in August of 2022. After a year without a positive pregnancy test, they met with a doctor to do a few tests to make sure there weren't any issues. Unfortunately, right before Christmas last year, Sarah was harmed in one of the procedures by an incompetent technician and what should have been a 24 hour easy recovery ended up being three months of horrible, incapacitating pain. 

The first month after the procedure Sarah was unable to care for herself on her own. The constant physical pain also ended up causing a trauma response of debilitating migraines. It was horrible to watch my self sufficient, young adult daughter be unable to even walk to the bathroom by herself! 

About two months after the procedure, Sarah was prayed over with a first class relic of Saint Teresa of Calcutta. Just a couple of weeks after that experience, Sarah had a positive pregnancy test and was able to share the exciting news that she was expecting!

A Bumpy Start

The first few months of pregnancy were really rough for Sarah. Her body was still healing from the procedure and she spent the first 20 weeks of her pregnancy vomiting multiple times a day. It was so hard to see her so sick after she had already suffered so much from the procedure. Just when I thought she might be one of those poor mamas who spend their entire pregnancies feeling ill, thankfully the nausea subsided and Sarah lost her temporary shade of green!

Once Sarah was feeling better, we had a gender reveal party and all cheered when we saw pink. We were excited to add another little princess to our crew. With four grandsons, our only granddaughter, Claire, needed a buddy! At her baby shower in late September, Sarah announced her daughter's name: Aurora Theresa. Theresa was in thanksgiving for St. Teresa's intercession and the spelling with an "h" was a nod to Sarah's older sister, Therese, (named after St. Therese of Lisieux), who passed away from a genetic disorder before Sarah was born. You can't have too many Teresa's/Therese's praying for you!

A New Plan

On October 9th, Sarah texted me in the morning: "One month until my due date!" But at lunch time that same day she called me saying, "I don't feel right."  We ended up in her doctor's office where Sarah's blood pressure of 178/110  and diagnosis of preeclampsia earned her a quick trip to the hospital. Thankfully, a couple of doses of medication and an IV of magnesium got her blood pressure under control and kept her from an emergency c-section. But Aurora was now arriving earlier than anticipated as the doctor gave Sarah medication to get her body ready to induce labor.

We were all worried about Sarah because of her blood pressure issues and about Aurora coming four weeks early and the potential for needing time in the NICU. But we had lots of family and friends praying for us, including some local Missionary of Charity Sisters, and God gave us some "God winks" along the way that reminded us that He was with us and in charge of the situation

The blankets Sarah had in the labor room reminded me of Mother Teresa's sari. That felt like a God wink and reminded us of her continued intercession for Aurora.

There was also a really special event that happened the night Sarah was in labor that felt pretty miraculous. The night that Sarah was in labor, the Aurora Borealis was visible in the night sky in Massachusetts! What a special story for Aurora to hear about the night before she was born! It felt like a gift from God.

And even though from the hospital room in the city we only got a glimpse of faint green light, Mike's mom got this amazing pic from her house just one town over from where we were!

Aurora's name means "the dawn" so it felt just right when she arrived into the world at 6:28 am, just before sunrise on the morning of October 11th. Aurora is small but fiesty, (just like her mama), and came in the room with lots of crying and a headful of dark hair. 

Reflections As the Mom of the Mama

Being in the delivery room was a really special experience for me. Although I have given birth nine times, this is the first time that I got to be part of the support squad. I loved being able to encourage Sarah as she went through the labor process and also encourage Mike as he lovingly supported Sarah through labor. I prayed throughout the whole labor for the grace to give them both whatever they needed most at the moment. Sometimes it was my presence, sometimes it was advice, and sometimes it was knowing when to give them both some space and privacy to experience this life changing moment as a couple. It was a delicate, but worthwhile, balance.

I got to marvel at the beauty of the design of a woman's body and all that our bodies are capable of doing to grow and deliver a whole new person! There is a sacredness that surrounds the birth of a new little life. And there are moments of those long hours with Sarah that are etched on my heart with a beauty that words just can't capture.

There were many special moments, but I had two favorites. The first occurred shortly before Aurora's grand entrance into the world. After Sarah's epidural was topped off around 2am, the three of us were able to get a couple of hours of much needed rest. I woke up around 4:30 in the quiet, semi-dark room while Sarah still slept peacefully. I knew that Sarah was on borrowed time for being able to deliver without a c-section because of her blood pressure. I was praying that Sarah's labor had progressed in the time that she was sleeping and that she could avoid surgery. I prayed for Sarah and Aurora's health and for all the graces their new little family would need in the coming hours and days. And I thanked Him for protecting Sarah and Aurora and the care they had received in the craziness of the past twenty-four hours. I felt a sense of peace, serenity, and surrender. 

Sarah woke up soon after, calm and smiling. We got to share a special quiet moment. That sense of peace continued to envelop the whole room. And when the midwife came in and found Sarah had dilated to 9cm, we were able to breathe a sigh of relief and were filled with gratitude that she had progressed and Aurora's arrival was getting close!

My other favorite moment happened after Aurora's birth. It was disappointing when Aurora needed a little oxygen and some time in the NICU. Shortly after her birth, Sarah was able to go over and visit Aurora. At first the nurse told Sarah that she couldn't hold Aurora, which was really hard. But Aurora started crying and wouldn't be consoled until the nurse put her in her mama's arms. As soon as Aurora rested against her mama's heart, there was a palpable peace that fell across the whole room. Aurora settled right down and Sarah slipped into her new vocation utterly and completely as she spoke words of love to her baby girl in a soft, soothing voice. It was a beautiful moment. 

Aurora came home after just five days in the hospital, (on the feast of St. Teresa of Avila...another Teresa!!!)... and is very loved by her (very tired) mommy and daddy. I'm so grateful for all of the ways that God showed us His love and intercession on Aurora's journey into our family.  

Our Precious Aurora Theresa

The Long Road of Rediscovering Myself

October is my favorite month of the year! I love the fall days that are still filled with lots of sunshine. I love the cooler weather and putting on a soft, comfy sweater to stay warm. My absolute favorite thing about October is the colors. Living in Southern New England means leaves of red, yellow and orange turning the outdoors into a constantly changing work of art. I love to sit in our backyard as my young grandsons play and gaze at the beautiful leaves against the bright blue sky. Every time I'm outside I just try to soak up the beauty of this season that always passes by quicker than I want it to.

Our newest granddaughter, Aurora Theresa.(3 weeks)
Photo credit to her mama's creativity!

Ambrose enjoying Pupa's leaf pile!

Leo joining in on the fun:)

The changing of the world around me has inspired reflection about the seasons of my life. Like October, the different seasons of motherhood are filled with moments of beauty that pass quickly. When I was a young mom with many little children, (we had seven children in ten years), life felt that it would never change and I was in a perpetual season of pregnancy, nursing, and managing crazy life with babies, toddlers, and school age children. 

Even though it felt like life would be the same forever, the reality is that it's always changing. Even within that busy part of my story, there were subplots. My children started reaching school age, I started a journey to work on my mental health after not addressing the emotional pain I carried for years from losing our first daughter to a genetic disorder and having a son diagnosed diagnosed with severe autism. Eventually you reach a point where new opportunities appear and you have choices to make about which path you want to follow. 

My First New Season

When the youngest of my crew entered kindergarten, I felt pretty lost. After 15 years of having at least one child at home all the time, the change felt so dramatic. I felt like my life purpose was over. (see...dramatic!) But after a few months I found a routine of working part time, taking care my family and actually enjoying a little free time. I started thinking and praying about other paths that I could take in this new season. Sometimes the new paths aren't as straight as they look. God likes to throw in surprises.  And just as I settled in and started to enjoy my new routine, the road that I was on took a sharp right turn!

God seems to love a plot twist. After grieving for several months what I thought was the end of my journey with babies, accepting a new path, and starting to get excited about new adventures, I found out I was expecting our first bonus baby, a little boy we named Luke. And, yes, I said "first" because two years later God sent us a "bonus, bonus" baby, our daughter Kate. 

Even though in some ways I started over, the short experience that I had considering new paths God seemed to be opening up gave me an expanded view of motherhood this time around. Especially once Kate was born and the challenges of having an infant and a busy toddler felt a little isolating. I started to look for or create opportunities for connection that worked for the life stage I was in.

Since getting out with two little ones is challenging, I started inviting a few other moms that I had met through church and my older children's school for a small book study in my home. This lasted for several years and was a great way to grow friendships and enjoy sharing thoughts over lots of good books. I also started a blog, which fulfilled the desire that I had to write about my adventures in parenting and sharing my faith.

Five years later, when Kate entered kindergarten, it was an easier transition emotionally for me. (Although I still cried when I dropped her off on the first day!) But I was ready to see what God had in store for me beyond parenting littles. The journey was not a straight, easy path. I worked for several years, tried a few grad school classes, and felt like I was floundering at times. I helped several adult children plan weddings. (and when my son got married in the summer or 2020, I helped plan, unplan and replan that wedding multiple times!) My role as "mom" was expanded to a new title of "grammy" six times in the last three years. And through all the changes, I was still trying to see who God meant for me to be in this new stage of life.

The Newest Journey

While I'm still very involved as mom, especially to the four kids who still live at home, (and "grammy" to all the littles I'm blessed to see multiple times each week), I'm also discovering a new path God has opened up for me. The desire to write has continued for me and has expanded in the last year beyond just blogposts. I'm currently working on a book project with Pauline Books and Media, which is such an exciting and amazing opportunity. I'm not really sure what the future holds, but for right now I am enjoying this writing adventure. It's quite the learning curve(!), but God continues to put wonderful people in my path that encourage me, inspire me, and mentor me. Seasons continue to change, but each one brings moments of beauty that only God can create.

I would love to hear about the passing beauty of the season that you find yourself in. Feel free to share in the comments.:)

Works of the Heart

Over the years, I have attempted to learn how to knit and crochet many times. I've always loved the beautiful colors of yarn on the store shelves, their soft texture just begging me to run my fingers along the neatly rolled skeins. I would enthusiastically begin projects that I lacked fortitude to finish when I couldn't figure out how to fix the many mistakes I kept making. It was easier to give up than ask for help and keep working at the skill until I became proficient.

That all changed about twelve years ago.

My grandmother was an amazingly talented knitter and crocheter. We still have all the blankets, sweaters and hats that she lovingly made for her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Now that my own kids are starting their families, I've started passing these treasures down to them. I think it's so special that these little ones are wrapped in blankets made by their great-great grandmother!

Twelve years ago, my Grandma was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I wanted to show my love for her by crocheting her a blanket. This time, my motivation was much deeper than just the beauty and feel of the yarn. I wanted Grandma to know that what she gave to me...loving her family by cooking for them, making handmade gifts of beauty, and praying for all of us with her daily rosary...meant so much to me. I inherited my Grandma's love of her faith, big family meals (with lots of homemade desserts(!), and I wanted to be able to push past my lack of fortitude and pride to create something beautiful for her.

It's Not About Perfection

I asked my friend, Carol, to help me learn a simple crochet stich and feverishly started working on a blanket with beautiful, soft yarn in multiple shades of purple. Grandma's health declined fairly quickly as I spent every night after my kids went to bed working on stitch after stitch. While it was certainly a work of love more than perfection, (there were quite a few uneven rows!) I was able to finish it in the nick of time. I delivered the gift the last time I saw my Grandma. It was the last day that she was awake and just a couple of days before she passed. My aunts were caring for her full time in my Grandmother's small apartment in elderly housing, and they laid my blanket over her legs.

Even though the blanket wasn't perfect, it brought me so much joy to be able to give my grandmother a gift that came from my heart. The blanket felt like a whispered thank-you for all that she had taught me by the example of her life.

Even though I didn't regularly crochet after that first special project, it gave me the desire and the confidence that I could carry on my grandmother's creative legacy. (Along with making her stuffed quahogs and apple pie!)

About four years ago, I learned that I was going to become a grandmother for the first time. Crocheting a blanket for this new little life and continuing my Grandma's tradition was really important to me. After learning that there would be twin boys joining our family, I watched some youtube videos, bought some yarn in blue and green hues, and jumped right in!

Now, each of my grandbabies gets a hand crocheted blanket from Grammy before their arrival. (and so do my kids' friends who have started families of their own.) I'm currently working on a blanket for grandbaby number six, a sweet little girl that is due to join our family in early November.

The Grace of Connection

Creating these gifts of love feels like I'm crocheting more that just yarn. I feel like I'm stitching together history of our family; one woman's love passed down from one generation to the next, like a string just waiting to be crocheted into the lives of the next generation. 

My grandmother might not have had wealth or celebrity status or anything that the world would have seen as special and admirable, but she did have the most important thing: love. And she poured out her love to all of us in small, hidden ways her entire life; even knitting or crocheting for her great-grandchildren at the age of 93 despite the pain of severely arthritic fingers!

Grandma wanted each and every member of her family to know her love for them. It's the last words that I heard her say. Grandma knew she was in the last hours of her life at my last visit with her. As I stood by my Grandma's bed holding my almost one year old daughter, Kate, my grandmother reached out to touch her little legs saying over and over again, "I love you. I love you. I loved you." Grandma wanted to make sure that Kate knew how loved she was by her, since she wouldn't be here to tell Kate as she grew up. To Grandma, love was always the most important thing.

I hope that my Grandma is smiling down from Heaven every time one of her great-great grandchildren is wrapped in the work of her hands...and the work of her heart. 

Just a couple examples of my Grandma's creations!:)

Patient Perserverance

During Lent of 2023, I started on an adventure of a big writing project on Our Lady of Sorrows. As part of my Lenten practices that year, I decided to pray one or Mary's Sorrows each day of the week...which was so convenient since there are seven of them! That practice continued once Lent was over ...as did my writing project... and I still pray one sorrow (most!) mornings.

Each of Mary's Sorrows has it's own inspiration as we see how the virtues of our Blessed Mother shine through in the most traumatic moments of her life. There are moments in my life that I can relate to the emotional trauma of the different sorrows. Knowing how Mary continually leaned into God and trusted Him despite tragic circumstances helps me to try and do the same when life becomes dark and feels hopeless. It's also very comforting to know that I have a Mother who desires to console me and can understand what I'm experiencing when I face deep loss and grief. 

The sorrow I find myself resonating with most at the moment is the Seventh Sorrow: The Burial of Jesus. Mary's unwavering trust in a moment that seemed so hopeless encourages me in the situation in my own life that seems impossible to resurrect. Mary surrendered to God's plan without knowing all of the details. Mary trusted even though her heart was shattered watching her beloved Son be tortured and killed. Mary laid down her own will as she watched Jesus' body be laid and sealed in a tomb. And in a great act of trust, Mary walked away from that tomb, not in despair, but carrying her pain in quiet perseverance as she waited on what God would do. 

Waiting is hard. And it's especially hard when we are waiting for God to redeem pain and brokenness in our life or in the lives of those we love. I can't say that I always wait on God with Mary's quiet perseverance and trust. I sometimes find myself in a pendulum swing dangerously close to despair. When I'm in that dark place, I'm struggling to find hope and believe that God can or will resurrect the brokenness in my life. I'm doubting His goodness and His love for me. Those doubts can get pretty loud in my head and the more I focus on them, the more they grow (and grow and grow) so that they are the only things that I can think about. My fear and anxiety drown out God's truth and light.

But just like the tomb wasn't the end of the story, our own struggles don't end in the darkness. God is always with us and will never leave us or forsake us (see Deuteronomy 31:8), even if we can't feel Him at the moment. Like Sister Miriam James Heidland says on the Abiding Together Podcast  Season 14 episode 22, we need to "accept the fragments" that God sends us each day. While God certainly could, (and it would be amazing if He would!), fix our pain and trauma in an instant, that's not usually the way He works. Rather, God sends us what we need a fragment at a time. As we learn to look for and accept the fragments He sends, God teaches us to trust Him and turn to Him in our emotional poverty more and more. 

And as we gather the fragments that God always sends-things like a Bible verse that touches our heart, a song that speaks to our pain, a spouse or friend that wants to sit with us in our brokenness, a book that consoles us, a bird or a butterfly or a flower that is meaningful to us, or in any way because God is God and He can use anything(!)- it lets a little bit of light push back the darkness that we are feeling. And as we collect the fragments and more light and hope comes in, we are able to return to our stance of surrender and waiting with patient perseverance, just like Mary teaches us.

The Waning Days of Summer

Several weeks ago I pulled into the parking lot of one of our local grocery stores and noticed my daughter-in-law, Marisa, getting out of her minivan. When I got out of my car, my twin three year old grandsons walked beside her. When Ambrose and Leo saw me, their faces lit up, (which warmed my "Grammy heart"), and they rushed over for hugs. Ambrose, thinking I had already done my shopping said excitedly, "Grammy, what treat did you get me?!?" 

I love that Ambrose assumed I had thought of him in the grocery store and looked forward to whatever "treat" I had placed in my cart that week.

Pouring Out Our Mama Hearts

As a mom, I pour so much of myself into my kids, (and grandkids). From favorite snacks at the grocery store, seeing something one of them might like at the mall, or making them a favorite recipe when they are having a bad day, I'm almost always thinking about them and trying to show my love to them. 

Despite pouring out my heart each day, it often feels like it's not enough. As summer wraps up for us here in the Northeast, I find myself analyzing the past couple of months that always go by way too fast. I find myself questioning if I did enough this summer. Did we spend enough time with them? Did I plan enough to make some good memories? Did I waste too much time? Did I make enough family time and opportunities for connection before they start another school year, when many of their hours will be spent away from home and each other? 

Even Good Change is Hard

August is so bittersweet for me. I want to savor every moment of summer with my kids, but the beginning of fall sports and the first day looming at the end of August forces me to address those back to school lists and new sneaker needs way before I'm ready to! There's a grieving that happens as we head to a new school year. By the time next summer rolls around our kids will be a year older and have grown to a new level, both physically and emotionally. The end of summer highlights how fast time goes by as our kids grow and change more and more each year. And while change certainly isn't all bad...there are definitely some early stages of parenting that I don't miss now that my "baby" is twelve...change can still be hard.

Though I'm tempted to live in my own head, wrapped in my worries and 'mom guilt', I realize that would be the biggest waste of time. As much as I dread having to address my kids' upcoming school year needs, I know that not waiting until the last minute and adding extra stress to my 'end of summer' grief is my next best step. Taking pockets of time to handle the necessary evil planning will allow me to enjoy the summer we have left more fully. 

Staying in the Present Moment

While not avoiding the necessary preparation that will help me manage the back to school stress, I also need to focus on living in the present moment. I need to soak up each and every waning moment of summer, being grateful for all of them, whether they were extraordinary or merely mundane. Because even in the moments of sitting in the AC on a blistering, humid day while we each read a good book or work on a crafting project is meaningful. Family time and rest can happen in many different ways. 

Instead of focusing on the days I have left, I'm trying to lean into God's grace and to be grateful for all of the slower speed summer days that have been so necessary for my heart. I also need to trust that, in any ways that I fell short this summer in regards to my kids or my own expectations, that God will make up the difference. 

Sweet baby Charlie enjoying the beach!

Emotional Drifting

 Growing up, my family always had a boat. We lived one town over from the ocean and spent most summer weekends visiting a local island and going fishing. When we reached a fishing spot, my dad often dropped an anchor to keep us from drifting. He would lower the anchor off of the bow of the boat and let out lots of line until the anchor reached the bottom. Then my mom would reverse the engines slowly until the anchor caught on the bottom and secured us in one place while we tried our luck with our fishing poles and baited hooks. Being anchored gave us a sense of security and helped us to focus on the task at hand; seeing who would catch the biggest fish!

Sometimes life can feel like a drifting boat. Life changes, new routines, struggles with a child, lack of connection with your spouse or a friend, unrest in our society, (or any number of reasons),can leave us feeling unmoored. When I feel like I'm emotionally drifting, my initial reaction is always to try and control my surroundings. This usually centers around overthinking everything and trying to "do" more or "be" better. While that might occasionally work for smaller, easier resolved issues, most of the time overthinking just leaves me with a lack of peace paired with a side of anxiety. Overthinking and anxiety are like throwing my anchor over the side but never getting it to catch on the bottom of the ocean. I remain adrift despite my efforts.

The Best Way To Anchor

photo credit: lovepeaceprayers.com

I've finally started to realize in the last couple of months something that helps to truly anchor my heart in times of emotional drifting and storms: holding on to God's Word. It almost feels too simple to be truly helpful. (Like all of those ads that come up on my social media feed for all of the "easy", "just do this one simple thing" in order to finally drop all the pounds you want to!) And yet, God's word is powerful and His truth quickly reaches the places in our hearts that feel lost and adrift.

During this past Lent, I read one Psalm a day and highlighted anything that felt meaningful to me and touched my heart. It's a practice I've continued since there are many more psalms than Lenten days. Last week when I felt ungrounded and all of my overthinking was leading me down the rabbit hole of "what ifs" and worst case scenarios, I read through some of the verses that I highlighted until I got to one that made my emotional anchor catch. On that particular day with the struggles that were burdening my heart, God used Psalm 59:10 to anchor me: 

"God in his mercy will meet me."

God's words entered into my anxiety and anchored my heart in His truth. Even though the circumstances of my situation weren't changed, my mind stopped spinning and I was able to focus on God's truth in that short sentence and find rest for my anxious heart. And every time the anxiety started to bubble up again, I would repeat and choose to focus on those words, "God in his mercy will meet me."

Truth For Every Situation

You don't have to read and highlight your way through the Psalms in order to find a verse that calms your anxious heart. A quick google search showing verses of the bible dealing with whatever emotion is burdening you at the moment ... anxiety, fear, anger, hopelessness, etc ... will bring up lots of suggestions. Then, spend a short amount of time looking up those verses in your bible until your anchor "catches" on the verse that touches and calms your heart. Write it down in your journal to not only remember the verse, but also to remember how God reached out to care for your heart. I also like to write it down on a Post It note and stick it to my mirror. (I have a bit of an addiction to those things!). Another idea is to make it the lock screen of your phone. You just want to make sure it's easily accessible so you can repeat it as often as you need to. 

Needing to feel emotionally anchored comes up so often throughout our whole lives! Learning to turn to God and to be anchored in His truth is a skill that will help immensely when circumstances make us feel as if we are unmoored and drifting. His truth cuts through the most difficult emotions and lies of the enemy and allow us to live in the way that is described in Philippians 4:7;

"And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, 

will keep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Emotional Drifting

Growing up, my family always had a boat. We lived one town over from the ocean and spent most summer weekends visiting a local island and going fishing. When we reached a fishing spot, my dad often dropped an anchor to keep us from drifting. He would lower the anchor off of the bow of the boat and let out lots of line until the anchor reached the bottom. Then my mom would reverse the engines slowly until the anchor caught on the bottom and secured us in one place while we tried our luck with our fishing poles and baited hooks. Being anchored gave us a sense of security and helped us to focus on the task at hand; seeing who would catch the biggest fish!

Sometimes life can feel like a drifting boat. Life changes, new routines, struggles with a child, lack of connection with your spouse or a friend, unrest in our society, (or any number of reasons),can leave us feeling unmoored. When I feel like I'm emotionally drifting, my initial reaction is always to try and control my surroundings. This usually centers around overthinking everything and trying to "do" more or "be" better. While that might occasionally work for smaller, easier resolved issues, most of the time overthinking just leaves me with a lack of peace paired with a side of anxiety. Overthinking and anxiety are like throwing my anchor over the side but never getting it to catch on the bottom of the ocean. I remain adrift despite my efforts.

The Best Way To Anchor

photo credit: lovepeaceprayers.com

I've finally started to realize in the last couple of months something that helps to truly anchor my heart in times of emotional drifting and storms: holding on to God's Word. It almost feels too simple to be truly helpful. (Like all of those ads that come up on my social media feed for all of the "easy", "just do this one simple thing" in order to finally drop all the pounds you want to!) And yet, God's word is powerful and His truth quickly reaches the places in our hearts that feel lost and adrift.

During this past Lent, I read one Psalm a day and highlighted anything that felt meaningful to me and touched my heart. It's a practice I've continued since there are many more psalms than Lenten days. Last week when I felt ungrounded and all of my overthinking was leading me down the rabbit hole of "what ifs" and worst case scenarios, I read through some of the verses that I highlighted until I got to one that made my emotional anchor catch. On that particular day with the struggles that were burdening my heart, God used Psalm 59:10 to anchor me: 

"God in his mercy will meet me."

God's words entered into my anxiety and anchored my heart in His truth. Even though the circumstances of my situation weren't changed, my mind stopped spinning and I was able to focus on God's truth in that short sentence and find rest for my anxious heart. And every time the anxiety started to bubble up again, I would repeat and choose to focus on those words, "God in his mercy will meet me."

Truth For Every Situation

You don't have to read and highlight your way through the Psalms in order to find a verse that calms your anxious heart. A quick google search showing verses of the bible dealing with whatever emotion is burdening you at the moment ... anxiety, fear, anger, hopelessness, etc ... will bring up lots of suggestions. Then, spend a short amount of time looking up those verses in your bible until your anchor "catches" on the verse that touches and calms your heart. Write it down in your journal to not only remember the verse, but also to remember how God reached out to care for your heart. I also like to write it down on a Post It note and stick it to my mirror. (I have a bit of an addiction to those things!). Another idea is to make it the lock screen of your phone. You just want to make sure it's easily accessible so you can repeat it as often as you need to. 

Needing to feel emotionally anchored comes up so often throughout our whole lives! Learning to turn to God and to be anchored in His truth is a skill that will help immensely when circumstances make us feel as if we are unmoored and drifting. His truth cuts through the most difficult emotions and lies of the enemy and allow us to live in the way that is described in Philippians 4:7;

"And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, 

will keep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

My Personal Jubilee Year

We've come to a big milestone in our family. After 23 years, we are downsizing from a 12 passenger van to a minivan. 

It feels like the end of an era. In some ways it is. When we bought our first big van, I was very pregnant with our fifth child. Even though we technically still fit in our minivan, with two car seats and three sons that were all very tall, (and not always tolerant of being squished together in a seat!), my husband and I made the leap to a 12 passenger van for the good of growing family ... and our sanity.

We added three more babies to our family in the years that followed and eventually traded our first van in for a more updated model. I found myself feeling a little emotional and nostalgic as I  handed the van over. I still remember the first day we brought home our original van. With our two year old, Sarah, in her car seat, the boys all climbed in excitedly "claiming" seats and having lots of room to spread out. I can still hear Sarah's squeaky toddler voice in my head as we drove down the street with the windows down saying, "My hair's goin' 'whipedy, whipedy!" as her disheveled hair blew all over her face in the wind. (Sarah never liked having her hair in a pony tail!)

With only four kids left at home, downsizing seems like the right decision. I waffled a little as my husband and I discussed it. We have 5 young grandchildren.(#6 is due in November!) We are blessed that they all live locally and we get to see them all the time. But, in reality, I never have them all at once to drive around somewhere. So getting a big van for a very occasional opportunity didn't seem worth it.

Who knew that so much emotion could come out of buying a minivan!

This purchase has just been another area of reflection as I quickly approach a milestone birthday. 

In the months leading up to fifty, I've been a little apprehensive about how I was going to handle it all. I've definitely been talking about it more in an effort to process my feelings and not just ignore or stuff them! (One of the benefits of experience is learning what doesn't work!)

A couple of weeks ago, our Deacon gave a homily where he talked about the Jubilee Year in Jewish tradition. God told the Jewish people that every seventh year was to be a year of rest for the people and the land. Every seven seventh year (7x7), God declared that the 50th year would be a Jubilee year. It was a year when debts were forgiven, slaves were set free, and land was returned.(see Leviticus 25 and Day 49 of Bible in a Year) 

God works in special ways in the Jubilee Year. It's a year of rest and restoration, both for the land and the people. It's also a time of trust in God, because people had to trust that the provisions grown in year 48 would last through year 49 and 50 as well!

I felt like God was speaking to my heart in that homily. I felt like the Holy Spirit was talking to me about a personal "Jubilee Year". It made me think of the parts of me that are held in emotional bondage that I've been working on "setting free". It also made me think of the "land" as the parts of my heart that I have had to give away will be returned; The hope, joy, and love that I have "sold" because of my debt to fear, anxiety, and loss. 

That homily changed my mindset of turning 50 from one of dread to one of hope and curiosity. It kept me from focusing on all the negatives of getting older. God used that homily to turn my focus back to Him and reminded me that God's promise in Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." 

   

 

  

Coming to the end of our Nazareth Years

May is a very full month for moms! Our calendars are filling the calendars with field trips, Spring concert nights, and honor society inductions. College age kids are stressing through the overwhelming work of papers and final exams. If it's a graduation year for one(or more) of our kids there are all the award ceremonies, special trips, masses, and proms to juggle. We are trying to manage the ever filling calendar while also looking ahead to summer to plan camps and vacations. 

It's a lot.

I've had years of multiple graduations. Our record is four; one graduated with an associates degree, another from high school, as well as an 8th grade and pre school graduation! That year was a whirlwind..not only for our schedule but also for my mama heart. That much change at one time was a lot to process!

Now that more than half of my eight children are adults and finished with school, graduations aren't coming so fast and furious. This year we only have one. My youngest son, Luke, is graduating from 8th grade and heading to high school. While I've been through lots of middle school graduations, I have to say that this one is hitting me a bit harder than the rest. I think that the combination of having a "big" decade birthday creeping up on me next month combined with my "baby boy", who is just shy of 5'11'' and definitely not a baby(!) is making me extra introspective. 

My history loving son, Luke! 

With Luke graduating from middle school, that will just leave my youngest, Kate, at the Catholic K-8 school that we've had at least one child in for the last 26 years! Kate only has two years left before she heads to high school, so we are on the cusp of the end of a parenting era for our family. 

In some respects, I'm more than ready to move on. I can't wait until there are no more science and history fair projects to deal with! I'm a tired, (aka lazy), parent after many years of a similar schedule and routine. My expectations are a lot different as an older ,(ahem), more experienced parent. I still want my kids to learn to work to the best of their ability and be proud about what they've accomplished, but most of the time I'm able to be more relaxed.  As I've matured I've learned, (slowly and painfully with lots of practice because, well, 8 kids!), that somehow, the projects get done, they (eventually) learn to be more organized and focused, and despite my fears at times none of my kids live in my basement playing video games all day! 

With Luke's graduation count down, I've been praying a lot about all the emotions it's bringing up for me. Luke was one of my "bonus babies". (We were lucky enough to have two!) Because Luke and Kate came later in my parenting journey, I was able to appreciate their stages in a deeper way because I had learned by experience how fast childhood goes by. I was able to slow down and savor the moments as they have grown. Of course, it's also bittersweet because with each change marks my "last" as a parent. One of the greatest consolations of a big family is that, even as older kids grow, there are younger ones to love on and care for. But eventually you still get to the end of the line and I have arrived!

Successful mothering is a bit ironic. We spend the beginning of motherhood completely attached to our children: they grow inside of us for nine months, we nourish them with our bodies for the first year(or more), and we do our best to meet their emotional and physical needs as they grow. Then, at some point in the preteen/early teen years, we need to unlearn all the ways that we have cared for and poured our love into our kids as we start the long, slow, (sometimes painful) process towards their independence.

I've found myself drawn to the Bible story of the Wedding Feast at Cana lately. The quick exchange between Mary, "They have no wine." and Jesus, "Woman, what have you to do with me? My hour has not yet come." is a life changing moment. Then Mary's words to the steward, "Do whatever he tells you."(see John 2:3-5) When Jesus performs the very first of his public miracles by changing the water into wine at the request of his mother, it launches Him into the unfolding of God's plan for our redemption. Mary's request is a catalyst in the fulfillment of Jesus' life's purpose.

Just as Mary encourages Jesus in the purpose God has for His life, so do we, as mothers, try to do the same for our children as they grow. We stop looking at their lives in a narrow way; homework, school projects, sports games, and youth group commitments that fill our calendar and make the years pass quickly. Instead, we start to look at the bigger picture. Who did God create them to be and how can we help to encourage and foster their emotional and spiritual growth to help prepare them to say their yes? 

This comes with a price. Mary knew that once Jesus stepped out publicly into His full purpose that life would never be the same for her. Those quiet years in Nazareth would be over and would be a source of grief for her. 

This is true for us as well. We are blessed with the "Nazareth years" with our children. Then we work to help them choose the best high school, college, and the best major that will bring them to independence and away from us.  As our children grow and stretch their wings, it stretches the bonds that have attached our hearts to theirs since the moment we knew of their existence.

The journey of letting go as a mom is not easy, even when you've experienced it multiple times! There are certainly quite a lot of tears, but there is joy as well. Seeing your children grow into young adults and find their vocation is a beautiful thing. 

We will always have the memories of our "Nazareth years".  And even though what they need from us changes, the new relationships that develop can be just as meaningful.

And the best part? We won't have to deal with any more school projects!

Embrace the Inconveniences

I was in a "try not to drown" mode all winter! After a fall and winter that had been filled to the brim with constant illnesses and a major health crisis for my oldest daughter that was finally starting to resolve, to say I was tired and burned out was a complete understatement. 

In February, my parents had invited us on a family vacation that I had spent the last year planning out all the details for. And there were lots of details! It was a Disney vacation that included the majority of my family. We even had a bonus "just like family" member. (It was my daughter-in-law's sister who is also one of my daughter Ellie's closest friends.) In all, we travelled with 18 people, including my autistic young adult son, three 2-year-old grandsons, my 8-month-old granddaughter and 5-month-old grandson. 

While I was hoping and praying that this trip would allow for at least some snippets of rest and recharge, I knew that overall, it was going to be very busy. Trying to create a schedule which met the needs of babies, toddlers, teens, young adults, young families, and my senior citizen parents (who will not like being labeled as such(!) and who thankfully are very mobile, active and act much younger than their actual age) took lots of creativity, thought, and many adjustments!

I boarded the plane feeling anxious and emotionally depleted but resolved to focus on staying in the present moment, so I didn't miss out on the joys ahead of us. I was also focused on being flexible for any "hiccups" that travelling with a large group of people would most likely bring. 

I pulled out my rosary beads as the plane pulled away from the gate. (Flying is not my favorite!) As I started praying, I felt God say in my heart, "Embrace the inconveniences". And my first thought was, "Oh.no!" I didn't have long to ponder, though, because moments later our plane stopped as we approached the runway, the engine shut off, and the pilot informed us that we were being delayed at least 30 minutes because of too much air traffic on the East Coast.

After 30 minutes of helping to distract one of the 2-year-olds and listening to another family's toddler completely lose it the entire time ... I felt so bad for that poor mom! ... the engines started and 10 minutes later it was our turn on the runway. The flight went great, I had handled the delay with patience, and I was tentatively hopeful that maybe we had got the "inconvenience" out of the way! 

I have to admit that the warning and direction God gave me came in handy. We landed in Florida to rain and chilly weather, but I was able to embrace that inconvenience and just be grateful to be on vacation. The next day brought more and heavier rain, but we made the best of it. Each time an inconvenience popped up, I tried to embrace it. At the same time, I felt like I was bargaining with God, "That's enough inconveniences now, right?" And, yet every.single.day we faced some pretty sizable challenges that kept me from just slipping into the carefree vacation mindset I so desperately felt I needed.  

Over the course of the next week, one son's family came down with pinkeye, my 5-month-old grandson came down with croup in the middle of the night and needed an early morning ER visit, my dad got sick and missed out on 3 park days, one of the 2-year-olds needed an urgent care visit for an ear infection, my special needs son developed an awful stye, and my dad went into AFIB for part of a day. Even though it t didn't rain again, the temperature was too cool to enjoy the pool except on one afternoon. That was really disappointing since it's always one of my favorite parts of a trip to Florida in February. 

I was trying so hard to "embrace the inconveniences", offer things up, and stay positive despite all the challenges. I did well until the second to last day of our trip when there was just one too many frustrations and my overwhelm spilled over and I snapped at two of my adult kids, then cried because I lost my patience. I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to not beat myself up over one bad moment. 

I cried in the bathroom the morning we flew out on what would have been a perfect pool day. While there were certainly many joyful moments during the trip, overall, it had been disappointing and not what I had hoped. It's also hard when you spend so long planning and looking forward to something and it isn't what you hoped it would be. (And my expectations were honestly pretty low to start with because of the amount of littles in our group!) Maybe you can relate? Life often throws unfortunate details into our well formed plans.

There was something my heart felt it desperately needed that it just didn't get. It wasn't about the weather or the illnesses. It was the exhaustion and lack of peace in my heart. I needed rest...a deep soul rest that probably wasn't possible to get on that vacation even if it had gone perfectly.

Sometimes the good that God brings out of hard situations is a deeper understanding of our own hearts. It can become apparent that we have to address the needs that we've been putting off for too long that quick fixes or emotional "bandaids" aren't going to manage anymore. I realized that I had to address my deep need for rest because it was affecting my daily life. Shortly after the vacation, God opened the door for a silent women's retreat that He gave me the courage to walk through. Silence with Him away from the many, many responsibilities of home life was the CPR my soul needed.

If you find yourself in a place of burnout and emotional need, take that seriously. Ask God to show you how He wants to address how you're feeling. Open up to your husband and/or a good friend. Consider speaking to a Catholic therapist or spiritual director. It's important to care for our hearts in order to better care for our families. We can't give what we don't have. 

It's so hard to get three busy boys to look at the camera and say "cheese"!
Thankfully, Xavier was all in!

It's a little easier with two!

My parents with sweet baby Claire

Every trip someone needs a pic with a Viking helmet!
Luke was happy to oblige! 

Sweet baby Charlie!

Claire adores her Pupa.
(The feeling is mutual!)

Happy Charlie

 

My favorite Disney princess!

Faithful Saint Joseph

For the last several weeks I've been praying and thinking about the Third Sorrow of Mary, the loss of the child Jesus for three days, as part of a larger writing project that I'm working on. It's the last of Mary's Sorrows that St. Joseph is a part of and his presence within Mary's suffering is worth diving into a little deeper. 

What really stood out for me in this particular sorrow were the faithfulness and trust of Mary and Joseph that weaves throughout the Gospel story. When I picture the scene in my head, Mary, Joseph and Jesus have just finished celebrating Passover in Jerusalem with all of their relatives and friends and had started the long 91 mile trek back to Nazareth. It was a multiple day journey where men and women traveled in separate caravans. Because of Jesus' age at the time, it would have been appropriate for him to travel with either group. When they finally stop for the night, I can imagine Mary seeking out Joseph. Can you imagine their eyes meeting in the crowd of family and friends and the smile they shared at being reunited? Maybe they gave each other a short embrace as Mary asked, looking around expectantly, "Where's Jesus?" I can also feel the anxiety that they both might have felt as Joseph answered, "I thought He was with you?"

What followed next was not a "blame game". There wasn't any bickering between Mary and Joseph, blaming the other about who should have been in charge or who should have noticed Jesus wasn't there. Even in their worry, Mary and Joseph just focused on the next right thing, which was to search among their friends and family for Jesus. As the asked each person, hearing "I haven't seen him" over and over again must have been heart wrenching.

With anxiety in their hearts, Mary and Joseph did the next right thing and started the long trek back to Jerusalem, where they did not find Jesus right away. I can imagine all of the silent pleas leaving both Mary and Joseph's hearts asking God to protect Jesus and for assistance to find him safe and unharmed as they leaned on each other for support. They were the Holy Family, and they were not spared from grief and worry. 

When they find Jesus, Mary speaks for both herself and Joseph and is honest with their feelings. "Son, why have you treated us so? Behold, your father and I have been looking for you anxiously."(Luke 2:48) Mary and Joseph don't sweep their feelings under a rug, nor do they completely freak out from their fear. They don't threaten to ground Jesus for the next 10 years. Instead, they honestly ask why this happened and wait for His answer, which was " How is it that you sought me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?"(Luke 2:49) Verse 50 says that "They did not understand the saying which he spoke to them. And he went down with them and came to Nazareth, and was obedient to them; and his mother kept all these things in her heart." 

Mary and Joseph show us how to walk through really difficult and traumatic circumstances by relying on God's grace. Even when the fear they suffered was resolved without understanding why it happened, they both continued to do the next right thing; which for their family to return to Nazareth together. Mary and Joseph didn't close their hearts off. They didn't fall into self-sufficiency or self protection to try and shield their hearts from further fear or pain. Mary and Joseph leaned into God and trusted Him to reveal His truth in His timing to their hearts.

How can we use this example given to us by Mary and Joseph? How can we search for Jesus and staying faithful in our own lives? How can we trust God even when we don't understand why we are on a painful path we can't make sense of?

This Gospel story has been such a consolation for me lately. Seeing Mary and Joseph's example of faithfulness in a time of great anxiety and the faithfulness they showed is so encouraging and inspiring. When you're going through a hard time it helps so much to know you aren't alone. Others have gone through hard times too, suffered well and made it through. Like Mary and Joseph, we will find Jesus again. Even if we don't understand why we were on a particular path, we have Mary's example of what to do: we can keep things "in our heart" and allow God to help us to process everything with Him and in His time. 

Let's ask St. Joseph to intercede for us and send us consolation and endurance where we find ourselves searching for Jesus in our own lives. Saint Joseph, pray for us! 

The Other Side of Christmas

The tree is down. Decorations are put away. Our lives slid back into a "normal" school routine. But instead of the usual mix of emotions that bubble up this time of year-sadness that this special time has ended and, at the same moment, relief to be back into a familiar routine- I find myself in a different place entirely. 

Advent started for me in a focused and reflective way. The last blog post that I wrote early in December, (but didn't post until the week before Christmas to coincide with its release on Catholicmom.com), represented the way I felt for the first half of Advent. (By the time I actually posted the blog, I was in a different emotional place entirely! I even struggled with the idea of actually sharing it.) By mid-December, my Advent had taken a sharp right turn from the road towards a newborn baby in a stable in Bethlehem, barreled down a bumpy, dirt road, and crashed into a barren desert that felt and appeared to be Lent! 

The night of Gaudete Sunday was the beginning of an emotional tornado that began with Kate coming down with the flu that kept her out of school the entire week and sick for her birthday and continued with a medical procedure that went horribly wrong for Sarah. This tornado lasted through most of Christmas vacation as other family members succumbed to the flu, Peter struggled in his program, and Kate came down with pneumonia. Caring for normal illness and having to cancel or postpone family holiday plans was disappointing. Adding to that the worry for an adult child traumatically harmed through a medical procedure and trying to help her husband care for her and find the additional medical help she needed was incredibly difficult and heart wrenching. 

And it was Christmas!!! It was important to me as a mom to make it as nice as it could be for the kids that lived with us and whoever was brave enough to visit, despite all the difficult circumstances we were dealing with. Although my list was simplified daily because we were in 'survival mode', I still received the Grace, and maybe some white knuckling, to pull off a much simplified version of my original Christmas plans. The stress and exhaustion took it's toll on me though, and Christmas night I spiked a fever that kept me couch bound for several days and low energy for even more. Not one of the projects that I had been planning to tackle when I had extended time during my "week off" between Christmas and New Year's ever happened!

Every day of the week leading up to Christmas through New Year's Eve felt like our life was a series of dumpster fires and I never knew each day which one I was going to need to run to and use my very inadequate fire extinguisher to try to calm the flames.

I'm still completely emotionally discombobulated and feel like I'm walking in a cloud of confusion trying to figure out exactly how I got here and trying to make sense of it all. I haven't gotten any great insight or even peace about everything. I'm just working hard on trying to calm my sensory system, focus on self care when I can, and slowly emerge out of survival mode. 

I guess in sharing this Advent misadventure, I'm hoping that anyone that had their own difficult Advent and Christmas season won't feel so alone. If you didn't jump into this new year with a list of resolutions and hope for the months ahead, that's ok. Sometimes, life is really hard and just getting through the day is a pretty big accomplishment! Sometimes we just need some TLC and a little more time to recover emotionally before we are ready to move forward. 

My entry into 2024 is a lot slower and more cautious than usual. It's just where I'm at. If you find yourself in a similar place, just know that it's ok. Sometimes life is all about baby steps. Maybe we can find encouragement in one of my favorite movie quotes from the movie Elizabethtown; 

"All forward progress counts!"