My goal of blogging once a month flew out the proverbial window during Lent! As one of my friends likes to say, it was one of the “Lentiest Lents”. Ironically, the last blog post I wrote in February was about trust and living in a way that was not just survival mode. And yet, during Lent, I found myself in that very spot for the majority of those very long 6 weeks. Or at least for about five of them!
The first week of Lent wasn’t bad. We had just gotten back from a nice vacation with my parents where we got to enjoy a lot of sunshine and warm weather. My absolute favorite time of year to go to Florida is February. That short month can seem VERY long in New England with the seemingly endless cold weather! Getting some sunshine, lots of time outside(without 6 layers), and seeing actual colors with all the trees, grass and flowers just does wonders for my mindset. It’s a great reminder that, even though it feels like it, winter will not last forever!
The beginning of Lent is a little exciting almost. It feels good to slow down and take an account of the areas you feel need some fine tuning…or a total overhaul! Lent is a great excuse to finally work on things I’ve been avoiding. I come up with my plan, trying to be prayerful about it to make sure it’s God’s plan too. Usually week one…which is really only a half a week since Lent starts on a Wednesday(!)… goes pretty well.
And then comes week two.
That’s when those “involuntary” sacrifices start. That’s when kids get sick, or the car breaks down, or any number of unplanned things rain down. Suddenly, it feels pretty overwhelming balancing those voluntary penance that sounded like such a good idea a week ago, with all of the “surprises”.
Our involuntary penances made life a real struggle for several weeks. It was overwhelming and hard to dig out of emotionally. It was rough. One morning, when we got to the “less than two weeks until Easter” mark, I had a different perspective. I actually had a moment where I felt a little hopeful. I noticed the longer days, more light, and warmer weather. I was tired and a little emotionally weary, but felt like things were settling down and heading in the right direction. I felt myself finally starting to look forward to Easter and celebrating with my family.
That lasted precisely 24 hours.
Then, we found out that Peter, our 20 year old son who is severely autistic, was going to need surgery that was going to mess up every.single.normal.routine in his life for at least 3-4 weeks. (Which also means it was going to mess up every.single.normal.routine in my life for 3-4 weeks! Which sounds so selfish when I see it written out, but I’m being transparent and real.)
It was like that scene in Nemo where Marlin and Dory are in the deep looking for the diver’s mask, and they see the light from the angler fish. Marlin says, “I’m feeling…happy. Which is a big deal for me!” And seconds later, they see the jaws of the big fish, and he says quickly, “Good feeling’s gone!” That was me finding out about Peter needing surgery!
First, there was numbness and shock. Jay and I just blankly stared at each other for several minutes. Then, we had lots of, “There must be some other way!” and “How is this even happening?” moments. When it was apparent that there was not, I felt angry. Really, really angry. The “What the heck, God? Did I really not have enough crosses that You felt I needed this???” kind of angry. Other miscellaneous rants, “Lent is almost over and now we have to start over?!?”, “How come we have to have a “Second Lent”??, I’m not a freaking Hobbit!!”, and the classic, “Do you even care about me a little?”. I even used one of St. Teresa of Avila’s famous quotes several times..”If this is the way you treat your friends, no wonder why you have so few!”. I was a hot mess. I was wallowing there for a few days. Confession finally helped even me out of the mess and to be somewhat functional again, but I was feeling pretty defeated emotionally.
Jay, though stressed, was much more rational. He decided to use FMLA time to help take care of Peter for three weeks.(Mostly to save his wife’s waning sanity.) Which was good, but I was still mad we had to go through it at all. Not very humble...but , again, I'm being real and transparent.
You would think that would be enough for a “Second Lent”. But, no. Like a ‘made for tv’ product…. “But wait, there’s more!”
On Monday of Holy Week, and five days after the news about Peter, Jay dropped off Josie at the vet to have a growth removed from her ear that was contributing to constant ear infections. When he arrived, Josie jumped across Jay when he opened the door. His finger got caught in her collar, and it broke in 5 places. He ended up in a full hand cast and, since he’s a physical therapist and needs to be able to catch people if they are falling as part of his job description, is out of work for at least six weeks. (And the kicker….they ended up not even being able to do the surgery on Josie…which is a whole other frustrating story/saga we are still working out. Did I ever mention that I never wanted a dog?!?)
Fast forward to today. Peter had surgery last Thursday. The surgery itself went well. Recovery is a struggle…it feels more like it’s been a month! Trying to keep him still is a monumental task. He’s (understandably) irritated and frustrated that he can’t do all his normal things. We have to constantly have eyes on him to remind him to not sit a certain way, to lay down and rest, to not pick up anything, etc. For Peter, the hardest part is missing his school routine. In the morning, when other kids are getting ready to head out to school, Peter is clearly more agitated and elevated. Heck...when he woke up from surgery, the first thing he said to me was, “I’m awake. Go to school now?” Poor guy!
My routine is certainly upside down. Everything is off and I can't really figure out how to adjust. I couldn't even really process Peter's upcoming surgery and all of a sudden Jay is home all the time. I love spending time with my husband, but having him home is a huge change. It all just feels so strange. With Peter now home constantly, and all the extra care he needs, I still haven’t figured out my “new temporary normal”.
I felt a certain kinship with St. Peter in the Gospel story from Sunday. (John 21:1-19) St. Peter was feeling pretty emotionally banged up and lost. His routine of the past three years had been completely uprooted. He was trying to find something to ground himself with..something that made sense, felt familiar, and that could soothe his tumultuous heart. For St. Peter, that was fishing. The line that really stuck out to me was right after they catch all the fish in verse 7. "That disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, "It is the Lord!" When Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on his clothes, for he was stripped for work, and sprang into the sea."
It wasn't Peter who recognized it was Jesus on the shore. It was John. Even though the first miracle of the fish happened in Peter's boat about three years prior(see Luke 5)....the miracle that convinced Peter(then Simon) to leave everything and follow Jesus in the first place(!)...the present situation didn't spark his memory. Peter did not connect the dots. I think he was just too lost in his pain and his confusion and his guilt. Peter didn't expect the Lord to show up that morning. Even when the Lord did visit, Peter's heart was so broken that he just couldn't see past it. Peter couldn't recognize Jesus. It took Peter's good friend to show him the Lord.
I think that happens to us too. Sometimes our hearts are so broken and discouraged that we can't even see Jesus moving in our lives. It takes our friends, family, and sometimes even professionals to help us see past our brokenness and recognize the way Jesus is working in our lives. Like St. Peter, we are stuck in our pain but desperate for healing.
I have to say that, despite all we've been going through, there have been a lot of "John's" in our life in the past few weeks. We have received gifts, cards, meals, encouraging texts, and most importantly, prayers. Even though I'm still not sure why we needed to go through "Second Lent", our friends and family have helped me to see Jesus in the midst of it.(Especially on the hardest days when giving up seemed preferable!)
There are lessons in the hardship, and pain will not be wasted. I just want to make sure I learn the lessons so I can avoid Lent Part III: The Musical!
P.S. You have to love the way Peter responds to John's, "It is the Lord"...he throws his clothes back on and "sprang into the sea"! Peter knew he needed healing and peace, and when he finally recognized Jesus, Peter rushed to the source. I'm praying we can all do the same!
