A little over a week ago, Luke started talking to me about a school project that he had about a week to do. He told me he was “aiming to get at least an 80”. We talked about how that was too low of an expectation and he needs to aim for something higher than the lowest grade he hoped to get. It bothered me a little that Luke’s goal was so mediocre and that his focus was on doing “ok”. I want to make sure he isn’t looking at challenges from a place of lack. I want him to have confidence in himself and his ability to apply himself and get a good grade.
That conversation with Luke popped into my head when I was at daily Mass on Wednesday. Fr. Steve talked about the virtue of hope and he quoted a line from the Catechism:
"The virtue of hope responds to the aspiration to happiness which God has placed in the heart of every man" (CCC 1818).
It sounded kind of technical at first and I needed to think about it for a while. I knew there was some kind of connection God was trying to show me. Here's how my mind broke it down. Hopefully it makes sense to you because my mind can be a scary place! Sometimes, I think things make perfect sense in my head but when I try to relate it to Jay, he looks at me like he's wondering if he needs to be concerned.(or maybe call in a professional!)
So first I focused on this part of the quote: “The aspiration to happiness which God has placed in every man.” Then, I looked up the meaning of "aspiration". Here's what I found. Aspiration: A hope or ambition of achieving something.
So God has placed the hope of achieving happiness in every person. The hope of achieving happiness. Saying that line in my head made me feel like I was trying to turn some rusty gears that hadn't been used in a while. I'm not sure that I've really had the hope of achieving happiness in my heart for a while. Maybe even a long time. Hard seasons in life can do that to you. They beat you down and make you weary. Life becomes about trying to survive...even if it's just emotional survival.
We all have hard seasons in life. I’ve had several seasons that have been about surviving. Losing a child, struggling through many difficult years with a special needs child, and carrying our current heavy cross of working through an extremely difficult and painful family situation, has left me burned out and emotionally stretched thin over a large portion of my adult life. Not to mention the last two years navigating through a worldwide pandemic!
Maybe reading this brings to mind your own difficult times...or maybe you're struggling through a hard season right now?
You are not alone.
Let's add in a visual...
I think of life as being in the ocean. Some days, it's a fun day in the water. Some days, the waves are pretty big and we are able to jump and float at the right times to handle them. But some days(aka hard seasons)....those waves throw us around like a rag doll, dragging us underwater and throwing us against the sand as our arms and legs flail around trying to figure out which way is up. We choke on salt water, end up with lots of cuts and bruises, and drag ourselves back onto the beach completely exhausted, spent, and emotionally shaken.
Coming out of those difficult times leaves a person feeling pretty bruised and battered. It makes you feel beaten down and broken in many ways. Those hard times can make you feel vulnerable, afraid of more pain, and looking for ways to protect yourself. We end up erecting walls or barriers around our own hearts, and we don't even realize they are there.
If I’m being honest with myself, I’m not looking for or seeking happiness right now. My goal is just to be “ok”. But what does that even mean? Not hurting? Not falling apart? That my family isn’t in crisis? That my family is emotionally stable? “Ok” is small, and boring and limiting. "Ok" feels flat and numb. "Ok" is filled with walls and exhaustive micromanaging. "Ok" is survival mode…but it is not truly living. It is not life giving.
Aiming for "ok" shows a lack of hope. It shows a lack of trust. I am putting limits on God and what He can do in the hard places…in the broken places. I stopped aspiring for happiness at some point. I stopped believing that God can do big things…seemingly impossible things. I’ve slipped into a gray muted world where I’m just trying to survive and protect myself. Self protection does not allow us to pick and choose which emotions filter in. If I’m trying to block out pain, I’m also inadvertently blocking out hope, joy, and happiness. While that self protection might keep out some pain, it ends up causing even more.
I’m aiming for a ‘C’ level of existence….a mediocre existence. That’s certainly not the “abundant life” God calls us to aspire to.(See John 10:10)
So how do I open my heart and reach higher?
My default is to try harder and do better. But it's not always about praying more or doing more or working harder on my faults. All of those things are good. But I can even make good things all about me...what I can do and accomplish. That's not trusting in God, stepping away from micromanaging, and just watching what He can do. Even good things can become unbalanced. Good aspirations can be twisted and used to pull us away from a relationship with God.
One of the books I’m reading is Forty Weeks: An Ignatian Path to Christ with Sacred Story Prayer. I’m in the beginning of the book where it tells the story of St Ignatius’s conversion story. St. Ignatius had a conversion from a very ‘me centered’ life to wanting to live a life for God. He got tripped up in the beginning. He became scrupulous about confession; saying the same things over and over...(even though he was no longer doing those "things")... because he never felt “he had gotten to the bottom of his immoral deeds”(p.35) A good practice, frequent confession, got twisted by the enemy and caused St. Ignatius a lot of psychological grief. It even pushed him to want to just give up the spiritual life completely…until St. Ignatius finally was open to the grace to realize that giving up was not an inspiration from God and that he was being led down the wrong path. St. Ignatius gave up reconfessing sins he had already been forgiven for and had moved away from in his life. Even more importantly, Ignatius gave up earning his own forgiveness. He realized his “destructive habit of reconfessing past sins was rooted in a pride to try and save himself. This pride forced him to his knees. On seeing this, he “awoke as if from a dream” and was given the grace to stop the habit.”(p.36)
St. Ignatius stopped trying to do God's job!
I am totally guilty of attempting to do God’s job at times. Surprise, surprise…it never ends well. It is a grace for God to show us those areas in our life that we are trying to micromanage Him. I feel pretty certain that God is using a homily and a conversation with Luke as a way to illuminate an area in my life that has gotten twisted and is in need of some attention.
Struggles with trust are nothing new to me. But every time this lack in my life comes up, it’s an opportunity to get a little closer to God and the truth of who He really is. It’s an opportunity to heal the twisted version of God that I perceive through my own brokenness. Healing will break down those walls I've built that don’t actually protect me in any way, and finally allow hope and joy and wonder in so I can truly live.
No more just surviving. It’s time to raise our expectations and see how God is going to transform and rebuild our broken places.
"They shall build up the ancient ruins, they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations.
Instead of your shame you shall have a double portion,
instead of dishonor you shall rejoice in your lot;
therefore in your land you shall possess a double portion;
yours shall be everlasting joy.“ Isaiah 61:4;7
