Healing What is Hidden

I recently attended a funeral for my friend's dad. A funeral is always somber and emotional. Even though I didn't know my friend's dad, I still found myself tearing up as his grown children and the teenage and young adult grandchildren comforted each other. Loss is difficult, even when someone has had a long life. It's just so hard to say goodbye. 

The Gospel reading the family chose was the story of Lazarus. Listening to it reminded me that I had written a blog post a while ago....it was June!!!...in my journal when I felt inspired in adoration. It never got onto my blog because I was waiting for the right timing and then I completely forgot about it until the funeral. When I went to try and find it in my journal, which I figured would take me a while, I opened up right to the page where it was written! I'm taking that as a "God wink" that the timing is now.:)

"When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went and met him, while Mary sat in the house. Martha said to Jesus, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. And even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you. Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again." Martha said to him, "I know that he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day." Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and whoever lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this? She said to him, "Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the son of God, he who is coming into the world."(John 11:20-22)

Entering into Martha's grief, I feel the emotion in her words to Jesus. I hear the "Why, Lord?"  I also see the trust. Martha knew and believed who Jesus was. Martha had hope in what Jesus could do in this life and, more importantly, she had the hope of eternal life.

I cry out "Why, Lord?" to God in really hard situations. Grief is so painful to go through. Avoiding grief doesn't work. Although our minds think that it's self preservation, stuffing our feelings just makes everything harder. Having to go through grief reminds me of one of my kids favorite children’s books, “We’re Going On a Bear Hunt”. Here's my spin on it:

“Uh Oh, Grief! We can’t go over it, we can’t go under it. Oh no, we have to go through it.”

I wrestle with the why in difficult life situations, especially in moments of great loss. I wrestle to understand and make sense of the pain. So did Martha. It had been four days since her brother had died. More than that since Mary and Martha had sent word to Jesus, “Lord, he whom you love is ill.” They had been living the fear, angst, and grief of loss. 

Both Mary and Martha told Jesus at separate moments, “Lord if you had been here my brother would not have died.”(Martha in verse 21 and Mary in verse 32.) Mary fell at Jesus’ feet weeping in grief as she said the words. I have done the same; weeping in adoration as my broken heart continued to break as I cried to Him, "If only You had not let this happen to us.”

And just as He felt with Mary in verse 33, Jesus’ heart is “moved in spirit and troubled” when we pour out our broken hearts before Him. Just as He asks Mary, “Where have you laid him?”, Jesus asks us in those moments that grief overwhelms us, “Where is your brokenness? Where are your dead places? Show me the places where you only see brokenness and despair.”

This Bible story doesn't end with Martha and Mary's grief. This is a story about God's plans being greater than our plans. This is a story of miracles and healing. When does healing happen? I think that there are three steps that Jesus shows us in the healing of Lazarus that we can ponder in our own lives.

"Then Mary, when she came where Jesus was and saw him, fell at his feet, saying to him, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled; and he said, "Where have you laid him?" They said to him, "Lord, come and see."

The first step towards healing is when we tell Jesus, “Come and see.” Martha and Mary brought Jesus to the source of their pain. We need to do the same. When we show Him where our hurts are and when we show Him where our brokenness is....that's when we open ourselves to the grace to start the journey towards healing.  

What did Martha and Mary expect to happen at the tomb? Not the miracle of their brother being raised from the dead. They were too grief stricken. They thought all hope had passed. They thought that they missed out on the miracle that could have been..."Lord, if you had been here...". 

But Jesus had another plan. He always has a plan. We often don't understand or "see it". We get trapped in our grief and stuck in everything that seems impossible and hopeless. We forget the words in Matthew 19:26; "With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." That's the second step; Faith. Can we push past our limited vision and be open to possibility...especially impossibilities? Can we be open and vulnerable even it we don't have the answers or the final outcome all worked out? That's not easy!

Then Jesus, deeply moved again, came to the tomb; it was a cave and a stone lay upon it. Jesus said, "Take away the stone." Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, "Lord, by this time there will be an odor, for he has been dead four days." Jesus said to her, "Did I not tell you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?"

Jesus says "Take away the stone" and Martha says, "Lord, there will be an odor." Martha could not see past the pain and loss. She saw no other possibility than the reality of the moment. It cost too much to hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. But Jesus knows and understands how much Martha is hurting, so He encourages Martha. "Did I not tell you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?" I hear those words spoken with a tone of comfort and gentleness. I hope you can too.

Jesus encourages us to open our brokenness to Him. He encourages us to allow Him access to the areas in our life that are dead and seem hopeless. That's the third step. We have to "roll away the stone". We have to let down all of our modes of self protection-all the walls we've emotionally erected to try and keep the pain away. We need to step away from all the distractions that we try to avoid looking at and feeling our hurt and brokenness. We need to not be afraid of the "odor" of our festering wounds caused by others and by our own sins. We need to be willing to reopen the wound, because what is hidden cannot be healed. 

Don't just skim over that last sentence. Say it slowly and let it sink in. 

What is hidden cannot be healed.

This time of year is filled with lots of  traditions, family and checking things off the endless lists to create special holiday moments. For many of us, this time of year also carries a lot of sadness and big emotions that we can often try to white knuckle through. Using sheer will to "get through" the holidays isn't good, and in the end just leaves us with more brokenness. It also steals our joy. Advent is the perfect time to let His light into the darkness of our hearts. 

Where are your broken places? Where do you feel dead inside? Where have you lost hope? Bring Jesus to those places. Remove those heavy stones and see what Jesus' plan is. Let's all try to bring our brokenness to God, have faith(and patience) while we wait for Him to show us His plan, and roll away the stone around our hurts to give God access to bring true healing. 

"What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man conceived, what God has prepared for those who love him." 1Cor 2:9

Celebrating Love and Marriage

 “Love between man and a woman cannot be built without sacrifices and self denial.”~John Paul II

Monday, October 24th, is a big day for us. The 24th marks 30 years since Jay and I said “I do”. We started this wild and crazy journey together on shaky ground…young and in love and completely ignorant to living life as adults. While it’s true that “ignorance is bliss”, reality certainly crashes through soon enough and we both had lots of learning to do! 

There was a big learning curve in those first few years. Learning to communicate with each other had its challenges. I had unrealistic expectations that Jay would understand my feelings and needs because….how could he not? It was so obvious! 

Case in point, when our first son was just an infant, Jay had been at his college classes all day and then, shortly after he got home, was going to lift weights with a friend. He thought all was good because I hadn’t said otherwise. But in my head….I had convinced myself that he didn’t really love me anymore and didn’t want to be with us. So when poor Jay ran in from classes to change, he found a tearful wife who shared those worried thoughts. He was like a deer caught in the headlights! My fears were unfounded…(clearly, since I’m writing this blogpost;). But that moment was just the first of many over the years as we learned…and are still learning…how to communicate our needs. I’m still figuring out that men’s brains don’t work the same way our brains do, and being open and honest is important because they really have no clue what is going on in our minds!(Even after 30 years of marriage!)  

Life is filled with so many different seasons, but the need to work on communication is something that has always continued to come around. Which makes sense because as life changes, our needs change, and how can we understand each other if we aren’t talking about how we are feeling? Unless our men finally get the ability to sense our subtle..(and sometimes not so subtle)… cues and learn to read our minds? Anyone have any luck with that? Me neither! So I guess we have to keep on talking about the real things on our heart…

Open and honest sharing is not always easy. Life gets busy. I might have something that’s bothering me but Jay’s really tired…so I decide to wait to address it. And the next night I’m really tired and don’t feel like dealing with it. And the next night one of our kids has needs that need to be met. It’s easy to push it all off until I finally just push the thoughts aside completely because “maybe it isn’t really that important anyway”. Except that it almost always is. By brushing it off, I’m actually keeping a part of my heart from my spouse and not giving him the opportunity to know me in that place. I’m also not allowing myself to be known in that vulnerable place and to be seen, acknowledged, validated and comforted. 

You would think that after 30 years(!) I would have this communication thing down pat! Except I absolutely don’t. In fact, changes in life stages seem to highlight just how much we still have to work on and grow in as a couple…even in a good marriage. Life is so busy! We had so.many.years with babies and toddlers and lots of little kids to take care of. Then, for good measure, God gave us a couple of bonus babies to add to our crew. We had all the things most families have…lack of sleep, stomach bugs, school projects, years of sports practices and games. We have also had some big crosses like losing a child, raising a child with profound special needs, and having a fracture in our family. All of these seasons and struggles have brought their own challenges and highlighted the need to continue to connect as a couple. We have been blessed with a marriage that has survived all the statistics. We survived getting married very young, we survived after losing a child, and we have survived while raising a child with severe autism. Just one of these life situations has a high percentage of divorce…never mind all three! I know that it is lots and lots of Grace that has kept us together through all the storms we've endured and continue to endure in our marriage. 

We are now entering a different stage of our marriage. We have only half of our children living under our roof. One is Peter, who is an adult but will always be with us and requires a whole different focus inplanning for his future as he ages and we age. Another is Ellen, who is also an adult and halfway through college and well on her way to being independent. Then there are Luke and Kate, who at 13 and almost 11 are very independent in their own ways. The dynamics of our family have changed greatly, and so have the conversations Jay and I have. We are trying to shift our focus to “smaller” family living.(I know 4 is still above average for many people, but for us it’s a lot smaller!) We want to concentrate on making memories for the kids still at home and “family vacations” don’t always mean traveling with our whole crazy crew. 

There were lots of years that Jay and I struggled to spend time together as a couple. Now that our lives have shifted again, we need to make scheduling more regular “us” time a priority. It’s easy to just let the weeks pass by because they are so busy and full, but the day isn’t too far off that the kids’ schedules won’t fill our lives. We need to make sure that we have fun and meaningful connections as a couple now to help to keep our marriage strong and growing.

As our kids get older, the biggest change has definitely been for me.  Over the years, Jay has coached little league teams for our older boys and, more recently, run youth groups for our teenagers and middle schoolers on a monthly basis for the past 11 years. I have always been the one at home taking care of little ones. Now things have shifted..at least a little. Right now, I'm taking care of my 18 month old twin grandsons three days a week. My days off give me some time to work on some personal growth amidst the many tasks of running a household. It's taken me several years to try and figure out what adventure God has for me to pursue in this new season of my life. It's hard to shift gears when more than two decades of my life had been spent carrying, birthing, nursing and nurturing babies and small children. 

I still can’t believe that three whole decades have passed since we got married! That’s just such a long time! Most days I’m trying to figure out how I got this old and how fast life is going by. Nothing makes you face the truth to life going by and getting older more than your own children getting married and grandchildren being born! I could ignore the fact that I was getting older just fine until Andrew and Jon got married and before too long we were watching our grown kids having babies! I blinked and we were planning Sarah’s wedding and I am now completely steeped in the reality that time is passing faster than I would like it to.  

This new season of life is growing and stretching me in new ways. It is teaching me to live in the moment and to be more present and attentive. Experiencing how much changes as my kids become adults and how fast it all goes makes me want to be more deliberate about how I live my life and spend my time. I also want to be more deliberate about spending time as a couple and setting goals and making plans for adventures, both big and small. 

A selfie from our little 30th Anniversary adventure!

God willing, Jay and I still have lots of life to live together. Communication….and lots of Grace(!)…will be key as our life continues to shift and our family changes and grows.  I think St. Zelie, St. Therese of Lisieux’s mom, says it best:

“It is necessary that the heroic becomes daily, and the daily becomes heroic.”

May all of us have the Grace to live her message in our vocation of marriage!

The One Where We Gave Our Daughter Away

It's taken me over a month(!)...that seriously felt like it went by on warp speed...but I'm finally ready to share about Sarah's wedding day.:) It's very surreal that another one of our children has gotten married and started a life of their own!

How do you begin to sum up a day that is so much more than just the "play by play" moments. The road to giving our daughter away at the alter felt very different than either of our sons' weddings. It was a different level of emotion for both of us...but especially for Jay. All of our girls have always been very attached to Jay. "Daddy's little girl" is certainly a living phrase at our house. Sarah was the first to have her daddy wrapped around her little finger from the moment he saw her for the first time. Letting go has not been easy.

Sarah and Mike's wedding day was sunny, clear and VERY hot! It was right in the middle of those couple of weeks of extreme heat we had at the end of July/beginning of August. I made sure to get up early and get all the AC's in the house going strong to keep everyone comfortable!

Our day started early with the make-up artist arriving before 7am followed shortly after by the two hair stylists. The day had a real deja vu feeling for me....in the last 3 years both Liz and Marisa got ready for their weddings at our house. 

Having those two experiences certainly helped with the timing of the day. As I kept an eye on keeping girls jumping into hair or make up chairs as soon as they were vacated, Jay helped to make a special breakfast to make sure no one got "hangry". (Especially the bride..it's a Hamel trait!) Breakfast consisted of fresh bagels made by Sarah's favorite local restaurant, Jay's special breakfast potatoes, scrambled eggs, bacon, linguica, apple chicken sausage, and fresh fruit. 

Everything moved smoothly and before we knew it, everyone's hair and make up was done and wedding time was approaching. After a quick lunch/snack of sandwiches and fruit, it was time for everyone to get dressed and get ready to head to the church. Ellie and I helped Sarah to get dressed. It seems like just yesterday that the two of them would play dress up and hold pretend weddings with their Barbie dolls. I'm not exactly sure how we actually found ourselves with a daughter old enough to get married, but here we are.

While Sarah was getting dressed, Jay was helping get a cooler together with ice water for after the wedding.(because it was SO hot!) Sarah did not want to leave my bedroom until she was sure that Jay was in the living room so he would see her in her wedding dress first. All she cared about was his reaction. For one last moment, her Daddy was the only man Sarah had eyes for. As she walked out of the bedroom, her gaze locked with Jay's and she headed right towards him even as her whole bridal party ooh'd and aah'd. It’s definitely a moment engrained in my heart. #passthetissues

We all piled in the cars, headed to church, and it was "go" time! Jay did a very good job handing Sarah over to Mike after walking her down the aisle. I saw only a minor hesitation. (Which was a big improvement from the rehearsal the day before when Jay walked Sarah up the aisle and clearly paused when Fr. Ryan said to give Sarah's hand to Mike....I could see Jay fighting himself in his head! One of the bridesmaids whispered, "Mr. Hamel, you could always just pick Sarah up and run back down the aisle and out the door!" To which I answered, "Edilia, don't give him any ideas! He just might!")

The wedding itself went beautifully. The bride and groom were all smiles...and those smiles didn't leave their faces for the rest of the day. And just like that, we had a new Mr. and Mrs. in the family....but this time with a different last name.

While everyone watches the bride walk down the aisle, I like to watch the groom's face. 
And we were sitting in the perfect spot for a good shot:)

The reception was lots of fun. Lots of beautiful pictures. Lots of dancing with family and friends. The bride and groom certainly have lots of amazing memories to last a lifetime! 

me and my girls

Mike's Mom and Dad

Daddy/daughter dance:
They danced to Steven Curtis Chapman's "Dancing with Cinderella"
Sarah and Ellie used to play this song when they were younger to make Jay tear up!
If you need a good cathartic cry, click here after you finish perusing the rest of the pictures:)

My Kindred Spirit Moment With A Turkey

Last week, as I was driving to do some errands, I passed a house where a turkey was walking back and forth frantically along the outside of one section of a chain link fence. The turkey would stop, peck at the fence, and then trot over to the other end of the same section and stop and peck there. It continued to walk back and forth, clearly very agitated, stopping and pecking over and over again. 

In the less than 10 seconds it took me to drive by that particular house, I have to say that I felt a real connection to that poor, frazzled bird. Like we were kindred spirits. Seeing that poor turkey, and the deep compassion that welled up in me at its momentary plight, made me realize how very much I have been feeling just like it. I've been frantically "pecking" at a section of emotional "fence", getting more and more stressed as I continued to go back and forth over the same details of the situations that I feel "trapped" in right now.  I can't seem to find the answer or the opening to move forward and find the peace I'm looking for. 

I wish I had time to stop that day..(and the confidence that I wouldn't get my eyes pecked out by a stressed out turkey(!)...and that I had been able to convince that poor, frantic bird to walk just 16 more feet to the left. Then, that turkey would have found the end of the fence and a completely open space to easily head to wherever she(or he?) wanted to go. 

I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about that 10 second moment over the last week. It's funny what God can use to speak to us. If I had to take a gander at what He was trying to tell me, it's that He wants me to stop panicking and stop trying to "peck" my own way through the circumstances in my life that seem impenetrable. I need to keep moving forward and trust that there's an opening that I just can't see from my current view.

Or, in in Cliff Notes version, stop being a turkey.;)

Countdown To Another Wedding

This might feel a little deja vu to my readers that have been around for a while...but we are planning another family wedding. This time it's our daughter, Sarah, preparing to walk down the aisle. It's very surreal to think that once we get to August, in the last three years, three of our children will have gotten married and given us three grandsons! 

In another deja vu moment, Sarah's bridal shower, that was supposed to take place at the end of June, had to be postponed because Covid went through most of our house. Some of you will remember that Jon and Marisa had quite a few rescheduled and altered wedding plans back in 2020. It is so crazy that we are still dealing with it 2 years later!

Thankfully, the rescheduling was only a (frustrating) hiccup and "Take 2" of Sarah's shower happened this past weekend. The weather was amazing and so many people helped to make the day really special. It definitely took a village, but it all came together. Sarah was so excited leading up to the shower and she enjoyed every moment of the day! Once the shower ended, Sarah kept saying how happy she was and that her face hurt from smiling so much.:)

Since a picture is worth a thousand words, I will share a bunch and let them speak for themselves.

We had a few party crashers...but they were so cute we let them stay;)

Ambrose

Xavier

Leo

Thank-you so much to all of the family and friends that helped to make this such a special day for Sarah! 

Welcome to Second Lent!

My goal of blogging once a month flew out the proverbial window during Lent! As one of my friends likes to say, it was one of the “Lentiest Lents”. Ironically, the last blog post I wrote in February was about trust and living in a way that was not just survival mode. And yet, during Lent, I found myself in that very spot for the majority of those very long 6 weeks. Or at least for about five of them! 

The first week of Lent wasn’t bad. We had just gotten back from a nice vacation with my parents where we got to enjoy a lot of sunshine and warm weather. My absolute favorite time of year to go to Florida is February. That short month can seem VERY long in New England with the seemingly endless cold weather! Getting some sunshine, lots of time outside(without 6 layers), and seeing actual colors with all the trees, grass and flowers just does wonders for my mindset. It’s a great reminder that, even though it feels like it, winter will not last forever!

The beginning of Lent is a little exciting almost. It feels good to slow down and take an account of the areas you feel need some fine tuning…or a total overhaul! Lent is a great excuse to finally work on things I’ve been avoiding. I come up with my plan, trying to be prayerful about it to make sure it’s God’s plan too. Usually week one…which is really only a half a week since Lent starts on a Wednesday(!)… goes pretty well.

And then comes week two.

That’s when those “involuntary” sacrifices start. That’s when kids get sick, or the car breaks down, or any number of unplanned things rain down. Suddenly, it feels pretty overwhelming balancing those voluntary penance that sounded like such a good idea a week ago, with all of the “surprises”.

Our involuntary penances made life a real struggle for several weeks. It was overwhelming and hard to dig out of emotionally. It was rough. One morning, when we got to the “less than two weeks until Easter” mark, I had a different perspective. I actually had a moment where I felt a little hopeful. I noticed the longer days, more light, and warmer weather. I was tired and a little emotionally weary, but felt like things were settling down and heading in the right direction. I felt myself finally starting to look forward to Easter and celebrating with my family. 

That lasted precisely 24 hours.

Then, we found out that Peter, our 20 year old son who is severely autistic, was going to need surgery that was going to mess up every.single.normal.routine in his life for at least 3-4 weeks.  (Which also means it was going to mess up every.single.normal.routine in my life for 3-4 weeks! Which sounds so selfish when I see it written out, but I’m being transparent and real.)

It was like that scene in Nemo where Marlin and Dory are in the deep looking for the diver’s mask, and they see the light from the angler fish. Marlin says, “I’m feeling…happy. Which is a big deal for me!” And seconds later, they see the jaws of the big fish, and he says quickly, “Good feeling’s gone!” That was me finding out about Peter needing surgery!

First, there was numbness and shock. Jay and I just blankly stared at each other for several minutes. Then, we had lots of, “There must be some other way!” and “How is this even happening?” moments. When it was apparent that there was not, I felt angry. Really, really angry. The “What the heck, God? Did I really not have enough crosses that You felt I needed this???” kind of angry. Other miscellaneous rants, “Lent is almost over and now we have to start over?!?”, “How come we have to have a “Second Lent”??, I’m not a freaking Hobbit!!”, and the classic, “Do you even care about me a little?”. I even used one of St. Teresa of Avila’s famous quotes several times..”If this is the way you treat your friends, no wonder why you have so few!”. I was a hot mess. I was wallowing there for a few days. Confession finally helped even me out of the mess and to be somewhat functional again, but I was feeling pretty defeated emotionally.

Jay, though stressed, was much more rational. He decided to use FMLA time to help take care of Peter for three weeks.(Mostly to save his wife’s waning sanity.) Which was good, but I was still mad we had to go through it at all. Not very humble...but , again, I'm being real and transparent.  

You would think that would be enough for a “Second Lent”. But, no. Like a ‘made for tv’ product…. “But wait, there’s more!”

On Monday of Holy Week, and five days after the news about Peter, Jay dropped off Josie at the vet to have a growth removed from her ear that was contributing to constant ear infections. When he arrived, Josie jumped across Jay when he opened the door. His finger got caught in her collar, and it broke in 5 places. He ended up in a full hand cast and, since he’s a physical therapist and needs to be able to catch people if they are falling as part of his job description, is out of work for at least six weeks. (And the kicker….they ended up not even being able to do the surgery on Josie…which is a whole other frustrating  story/saga we are still working out. Did I ever mention that I never wanted a dog?!?)

Fast forward to today. Peter had surgery last Thursday. The surgery itself went well. Recovery is a struggle…it feels more like it’s been a month! Trying to keep him still is a monumental task. He’s (understandably) irritated and frustrated that he can’t do all his normal things. We have to constantly have eyes on him to remind him to not sit a certain way, to lay down and rest, to not pick up anything, etc. For Peter, the hardest part is missing his school routine. In the morning, when other kids are getting ready to head out to school, Peter is clearly more agitated and elevated. Heck...when he woke up from surgery, the first thing he said to me was, “I’m awake. Go to school now?” Poor guy!

My routine is certainly upside down. Everything is off and I can't really figure out how to adjust. I couldn't even really process Peter's upcoming surgery and all of a sudden Jay is home all the time. I love spending time with my husband, but having him home is a huge change. It all just feels so strange. With Peter now home constantly, and all the extra care he needs, I still haven’t figured out my “new temporary normal”. 

I felt a certain kinship with St. Peter in the Gospel story from Sunday. (John 21:1-19) St. Peter was feeling pretty emotionally banged up and lost. His routine of the past three years had been completely uprooted. He was trying to find something to ground himself with..something that made sense, felt familiar, and that could soothe his tumultuous heart. For St. Peter, that was fishing. The line that really stuck out to me was right after they catch all the fish in verse 7. "That disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, "It is the Lord!" When Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on his clothes, for he was stripped for work, and sprang into the sea."

It wasn't Peter who recognized it was Jesus on the shore. It was John. Even though the first miracle of the fish happened in Peter's boat about three years prior(see Luke 5)....the miracle that convinced Peter(then Simon) to leave everything and follow Jesus in the first place(!)...the present situation didn't spark his memory. Peter did not connect the dots. I think he was just too lost in his pain and his confusion and his guilt. Peter didn't expect the Lord to show up that morning. Even when the Lord did visit, Peter's heart was so broken that he just couldn't see past it. Peter couldn't recognize Jesus. It took Peter's good friend to show him the Lord. 

I think that happens to us too. Sometimes our hearts are so broken and discouraged that we can't even see Jesus moving in our lives. It takes our friends, family, and sometimes even professionals to help us see past our brokenness and recognize the way Jesus is working in our lives. Like St. Peter, we are stuck in our pain but desperate for healing. 

I have to say that, despite all we've been going through, there have been a lot of "John's" in our life in the past few weeks. We have received gifts, cards, meals, encouraging texts, and most importantly, prayers. Even though I'm still not sure why we needed to go through "Second Lent", our friends and family have helped me to see Jesus in the midst of it.(Especially on the hardest days when giving up seemed preferable!)

There are lessons in the hardship, and pain will not be wasted. I just want to make sure I learn the lessons so I can avoid Lent Part III: The Musical!

P.S. You have to love the way Peter responds to John's, "It is the Lord"...he throws his clothes back on and "sprang into the sea"! Peter knew he needed healing and peace, and when he finally recognized Jesus, Peter rushed to the source. I'm praying we can all do the same!

No More "Just Surviving"

A little over a week ago, Luke started talking to me about a school project that he had about a week to do. He told me he was “aiming to get at least an 80”. We talked about how that was too low of an expectation and he needs to aim for something higher than the lowest grade he hoped to get. It bothered me a little that Luke’s goal was so mediocre and that his focus was on doing “ok”. I want to make sure he isn’t looking at challenges from a place of lack. I want him to have confidence in himself and his ability to apply himself and get a good grade.

That conversation with Luke popped into my head when I was at daily Mass on Wednesday. Fr. Steve talked about the virtue of hope and he quoted a line from the Catechism: 

"The virtue of hope responds to the aspiration to happiness which God has placed in the heart of every man" (CCC 1818).  

It sounded kind of technical at first and I needed to think about it for a while. I knew there was some kind of connection God was trying to show me. Here's how my mind broke it down. Hopefully it makes sense to you because my mind can be a scary place! Sometimes, I think things make perfect sense in my head but when I try to relate it to Jay, he looks at me like he's wondering if he needs to be concerned.(or maybe call in a professional!)

So first I focused on this part of the quote: “The aspiration to happiness which God has placed in every man.” Then, I looked up the meaning of "aspiration". Here's what I found. Aspiration: A hope or ambition of achieving something. 

So God has placed the hope of achieving happiness in every person. The hope of achieving happiness. Saying that line in my head made me feel like I was trying to turn some rusty gears that hadn't been used in a while.  I'm not sure that I've really had the hope of achieving happiness in my heart for a while. Maybe even a long time. Hard seasons in life can do that to you. They beat you down and make you weary. Life becomes about trying to survive...even if it's just emotional survival. 

We all have hard seasons in life. I’ve had several seasons that have been about surviving.  Losing a child, struggling through many difficult years with a special needs child, and carrying our current heavy cross of working through an extremely difficult and painful family situation, has left me burned out and emotionally stretched thin over a large portion of my adult life. Not to mention the last two years navigating through a worldwide pandemic! 

Maybe reading this brings to mind your own difficult times...or maybe you're struggling through a hard season right now? 

You are not alone.

Let's add in a visual...

I think of life as being in the ocean. Some days, it's a fun day in the water. Some days, the waves are pretty big and we are able to jump and float at the right times to handle them. But some days(aka hard seasons)....those waves throw us around like a rag doll, dragging us underwater and throwing us against the sand as our arms and legs flail around trying to figure out which way is up. We choke on salt water, end up with lots of cuts and bruises, and drag ourselves back onto the beach completely exhausted, spent, and emotionally shaken. 

Coming out of those difficult times leaves a person feeling pretty bruised and battered. It makes you feel beaten down and broken in many ways. Those hard times can make you feel vulnerable, afraid of more pain, and looking for ways to protect yourself. We end up erecting walls or barriers around our own hearts, and we don't even realize they are there. 

If I’m being honest with myself, I’m not looking for or seeking happiness right now. My goal is just to be “ok”. But what does that even mean? Not hurting? Not falling apart? That my family isn’t in crisis? That my family is emotionally stable? “Ok” is small, and boring and limiting. "Ok" feels flat and numb. "Ok" is filled with walls and exhaustive micromanaging. "Ok" is survival mode…but it is not truly living. It is not life giving.

Aiming for "ok" shows a lack of hope. It shows a lack of trust. I am putting limits on God and what He can do in the hard places…in the broken places. I stopped aspiring for happiness at some point. I stopped believing that God can do big things…seemingly impossible things. I’ve slipped into a gray muted world where I’m just trying to survive and protect myself. Self protection does not allow us to pick and choose which emotions filter in. If I’m trying to block out pain, I’m also inadvertently blocking out hope, joy, and happiness. While that self protection might keep out some pain, it ends up causing even more.

I’m aiming for a ‘C’ level of existence….a mediocre existence. That’s certainly not the “abundant life” God calls us to aspire to.(See John 10:10)

So how do I open my heart and reach higher? 

My default is to try harder and do better. But it's not always about praying more or doing more or working harder on my faults. All of those things are good. But I can even make good things all about me...what I can do and accomplish. That's not trusting in God, stepping away from micromanaging, and just watching what He can do. Even good things can become unbalanced. Good aspirations can be twisted and used to pull us away from a relationship with God. 

One of the books I’m reading is Forty Weeks: An Ignatian Path to Christ with Sacred Story Prayer. I’m in the beginning of the book where it tells the story of St Ignatius’s conversion story. St. Ignatius had a conversion from a very ‘me centered’ life to wanting to live a life for God. He got tripped up in the beginning. He became scrupulous about confession; saying the same things over and over...(even though he was no longer doing those "things")... because he never felt “he had gotten to the bottom of his immoral deeds”(p.35) A good practice, frequent confession, got twisted by the enemy and caused St. Ignatius a lot of psychological grief. It even pushed him to want to just give up the spiritual life completely…until St. Ignatius finally was open to the grace to realize that giving up was not an inspiration from God and that he was being led down the wrong path. St. Ignatius gave up reconfessing sins he had already been forgiven for and had moved away from in his life.  Even more importantly, Ignatius gave up earning his own forgiveness. He realized his “destructive habit of reconfessing past sins was rooted in a pride to try and save himself. This pride forced him to his knees. On seeing this, he “awoke as if from a dream” and was given the grace to stop the habit.”(p.36) 

St. Ignatius stopped trying to do God's job! 

I am totally guilty of attempting to do God’s job at times. Surprise, surprise…it never ends well. It is a grace for God to show us those areas in our life that we are trying to micromanage Him. I feel pretty certain that God is using a homily and a conversation with Luke as a way to illuminate an area in my life that has gotten twisted and is in need of some attention. 

Struggles with trust are nothing new to me. But every time this lack in my life comes up, it’s an opportunity to get a little closer to God and the truth of who He really is. It’s an opportunity to heal the twisted version of God that I perceive through my own brokenness. Healing will break down those walls I've built that don’t actually protect me in any way, and finally allow hope and joy and wonder in so I can truly live. 

No more just surviving. It’s time to raise our expectations and see how God is going to transform and rebuild our broken places. 

"They shall build up the ancient ruins, they shall raise up the former devastations; 

they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations. 

Instead of your shame you shall have a double portion, 

instead of dishonor you shall rejoice in your lot; 

therefore in your land you shall possess a double portion; 

yours shall be everlasting joy.“ Isaiah 61:4;7