No More "Just Surviving"

A little over a week ago, Luke started talking to me about a school project that he had about a week to do. He told me he was “aiming to get at least an 80”. We talked about how that was too low of an expectation and he needs to aim for something higher than the lowest grade he hoped to get. It bothered me a little that Luke’s goal was so mediocre and that his focus was on doing “ok”. I want to make sure he isn’t looking at challenges from a place of lack. I want him to have confidence in himself and his ability to apply himself and get a good grade.

That conversation with Luke popped into my head when I was at daily Mass on Wednesday. Fr. Steve talked about the virtue of hope and he quoted a line from the Catechism: 

"The virtue of hope responds to the aspiration to happiness which God has placed in the heart of every man" (CCC 1818).  

It sounded kind of technical at first and I needed to think about it for a while. I knew there was some kind of connection God was trying to show me. Here's how my mind broke it down. Hopefully it makes sense to you because my mind can be a scary place! Sometimes, I think things make perfect sense in my head but when I try to relate it to Jay, he looks at me like he's wondering if he needs to be concerned.(or maybe call in a professional!)

So first I focused on this part of the quote: “The aspiration to happiness which God has placed in every man.” Then, I looked up the meaning of "aspiration". Here's what I found. Aspiration: A hope or ambition of achieving something. 

So God has placed the hope of achieving happiness in every person. The hope of achieving happiness. Saying that line in my head made me feel like I was trying to turn some rusty gears that hadn't been used in a while.  I'm not sure that I've really had the hope of achieving happiness in my heart for a while. Maybe even a long time. Hard seasons in life can do that to you. They beat you down and make you weary. Life becomes about trying to survive...even if it's just emotional survival. 

We all have hard seasons in life. I’ve had several seasons that have been about surviving.  Losing a child, struggling through many difficult years with a special needs child, and carrying our current heavy cross of working through an extremely difficult and painful family situation, has left me burned out and emotionally stretched thin over a large portion of my adult life. Not to mention the last two years navigating through a worldwide pandemic! 

Maybe reading this brings to mind your own difficult times...or maybe you're struggling through a hard season right now? 

You are not alone.

Let's add in a visual...

I think of life as being in the ocean. Some days, it's a fun day in the water. Some days, the waves are pretty big and we are able to jump and float at the right times to handle them. But some days(aka hard seasons)....those waves throw us around like a rag doll, dragging us underwater and throwing us against the sand as our arms and legs flail around trying to figure out which way is up. We choke on salt water, end up with lots of cuts and bruises, and drag ourselves back onto the beach completely exhausted, spent, and emotionally shaken. 

Coming out of those difficult times leaves a person feeling pretty bruised and battered. It makes you feel beaten down and broken in many ways. Those hard times can make you feel vulnerable, afraid of more pain, and looking for ways to protect yourself. We end up erecting walls or barriers around our own hearts, and we don't even realize they are there. 

If I’m being honest with myself, I’m not looking for or seeking happiness right now. My goal is just to be “ok”. But what does that even mean? Not hurting? Not falling apart? That my family isn’t in crisis? That my family is emotionally stable? “Ok” is small, and boring and limiting. "Ok" feels flat and numb. "Ok" is filled with walls and exhaustive micromanaging. "Ok" is survival mode…but it is not truly living. It is not life giving.

Aiming for "ok" shows a lack of hope. It shows a lack of trust. I am putting limits on God and what He can do in the hard places…in the broken places. I stopped aspiring for happiness at some point. I stopped believing that God can do big things…seemingly impossible things. I’ve slipped into a gray muted world where I’m just trying to survive and protect myself. Self protection does not allow us to pick and choose which emotions filter in. If I’m trying to block out pain, I’m also inadvertently blocking out hope, joy, and happiness. While that self protection might keep out some pain, it ends up causing even more.

I’m aiming for a ‘C’ level of existence….a mediocre existence. That’s certainly not the “abundant life” God calls us to aspire to.(See John 10:10)

So how do I open my heart and reach higher? 

My default is to try harder and do better. But it's not always about praying more or doing more or working harder on my faults. All of those things are good. But I can even make good things all about me...what I can do and accomplish. That's not trusting in God, stepping away from micromanaging, and just watching what He can do. Even good things can become unbalanced. Good aspirations can be twisted and used to pull us away from a relationship with God. 

One of the books I’m reading is Forty Weeks: An Ignatian Path to Christ with Sacred Story Prayer. I’m in the beginning of the book where it tells the story of St Ignatius’s conversion story. St. Ignatius had a conversion from a very ‘me centered’ life to wanting to live a life for God. He got tripped up in the beginning. He became scrupulous about confession; saying the same things over and over...(even though he was no longer doing those "things")... because he never felt “he had gotten to the bottom of his immoral deeds”(p.35) A good practice, frequent confession, got twisted by the enemy and caused St. Ignatius a lot of psychological grief. It even pushed him to want to just give up the spiritual life completely…until St. Ignatius finally was open to the grace to realize that giving up was not an inspiration from God and that he was being led down the wrong path. St. Ignatius gave up reconfessing sins he had already been forgiven for and had moved away from in his life.  Even more importantly, Ignatius gave up earning his own forgiveness. He realized his “destructive habit of reconfessing past sins was rooted in a pride to try and save himself. This pride forced him to his knees. On seeing this, he “awoke as if from a dream” and was given the grace to stop the habit.”(p.36) 

St. Ignatius stopped trying to do God's job! 

I am totally guilty of attempting to do God’s job at times. Surprise, surprise…it never ends well. It is a grace for God to show us those areas in our life that we are trying to micromanage Him. I feel pretty certain that God is using a homily and a conversation with Luke as a way to illuminate an area in my life that has gotten twisted and is in need of some attention. 

Struggles with trust are nothing new to me. But every time this lack in my life comes up, it’s an opportunity to get a little closer to God and the truth of who He really is. It’s an opportunity to heal the twisted version of God that I perceive through my own brokenness. Healing will break down those walls I've built that don’t actually protect me in any way, and finally allow hope and joy and wonder in so I can truly live. 

No more just surviving. It’s time to raise our expectations and see how God is going to transform and rebuild our broken places. 

"They shall build up the ancient ruins, they shall raise up the former devastations; 

they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations. 

Instead of your shame you shall have a double portion, 

instead of dishonor you shall rejoice in your lot; 

therefore in your land you shall possess a double portion; 

yours shall be everlasting joy.“ Isaiah 61:4;7

The Gift Of An Unexpected Connection

 About two months ago, I was in my weekly Saturday morning adoration hour and I was struggling emotionally. One of the things I usually do during that hour is to say a prayer and open my Bible and read the passage that is in front of me. Sometimes, it feels like an "inspired flip"...other days, not so much.

On that particular Saturday, I flipped to the beginning of Mark Chapter 5, which is the story of the Gerasene demoniac. That reading didn't feel particularly comforting to my hurting heart. I didn't feel any real connection to it. Not that it's abnormal...it's not like every week I turn to a passage that feels like God is saying something just to me. Far from it. It's just that on that particular Saturday, I was really hoping for some guidance and consolation.

The next day, we were at Mass and the reading was from Mark 10: 46-52. It's the story of the blind beggar, Bartimaeus. You can imagine my surprise when our Pastor, Fr. Ryan, connected the story of the Gerasene demoniac during the homily! Fr. Ryan talked about how both stories happened in the same geographical area. The Gerasene demoniac story happened a while before Jesus healed Bartimaeus.

When Jesus went to the country of the Gerasenes and healed the demoniac, the people in the area asked him to leave. The demoniac begged to go with Jesus, but Jesus told him to ""Go home to your friends, and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you." And he went away and began to proclaim in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him; and all men marveled."(Mark 5:19-20)

When Jesus goes back to that same area some time later, one man's story of being healed has changed  everyone’s reaction. When Jesus arrives the second time, all kinds of people come out to see Him and ask for healing, which was such a different reception than the first visit. Because of the healed demoniac, Bartimaeus knew what Jesus could do. Bartimaeus had hope and faith that Jesus could heal him too.

One person't story gave another person hope.

As Fr. Ryan preached, my mind was moving a million miles a minute! I was trying to absorb everything he was saying and, at the same time, my heart was being touched by so many different aspects of his homily. (Thankfully, I wrote it all in my journal later that day since it's taken me almost two months to blog about it!)

One thing that touched me deeply....

Fr. Ryan emphasized in his homily how "just one person was worth Jesus' time and energy". Jesus knew that the people in the town were going to be all freaked out and ask Him to leave. But Jesus still went. He even traveled through a great storm and scared the apostles to get there!(see Mark 4:35-41)

I spent some time thinking about that demoniac...pre-healing. That man "lived among the tombs", "no one could subdue him", "chains he wrenched..shackles he broke", "night and day he was always crying out, and bruising himself with stones". That poor man was a wreck. Everyone knew it and no one could do anything about it.

Then I thought about myself. How sometimes I'm a wreck. Maybe everyone doesn't know it...but Someone does. He sees my pain. He sees the way I cry out night and day. The way my fear and sadness and burdens bruise my soul. How no one is able to help me. That I feel alienated and alone.

And I realized that Jesus will come for me, too. That I'm important to Him. Even if it's only me. He sees me when I'm in incredible pain, brokenness, loneliness and emotional torment. 

It doesn't stop there either. As He heals me, even if it's not instantaneous like is was for the demoniac, He will use my story to give another person hope.

Maybe you're hurting right now? Maybe you're crying out night and day? Maybe your fear and sadness and burdens bruise your soul? Maybe you feel no one can help you? Maybe you feel alienated and alone?

God comes for you. You are important to Him. Even if it's only you. He sees you when you're in incredible pain, brokenness, loneliness and emotional torment. And in time, when you are healed, He will use your story to give another person hope.

That Sunday, God even put an exclamation point to the hope and encouragement He had poured into me through Fr. Ryan's homily. As Luke and I were waiting in the car after Mass for the rest of our crew, Luke pointed out two birds that were on the truck next to us. I looked and saw two sparrows. One flew away, and the other stood there for a minute and just looked at me. Then it flew away, too. For the last 18 months, sparrows have been my little signal grace from God. It's His "wink" to me to remind me that I'm important to Him, that He cares for me, and that He hasn't forgotten me.

 "Fear not..you are of more value than many sparrows."(Matthew 10:31)

Quick Takes and Catch Up

 It's been forever since I've written a blogpost...well, at least one I've officially typed up. I've "written" a dozen in my head over the past few months but just never gotten around to/took the time to actually sit down and type them out officially. There's a lot of reasons for that...the cop out would be to say I've been busy just riding the wave of life. And that's partially true....and for now it's the easiest reason. I'm praying on getting back into deeper posts, though I'm not quite there yet. 

I thought a little catch up might help me ease back into the blogging waters.

I can't believe it's been three whole months since I posted! Lots of life has been lived and a new little person has been added to our family! I think I'll try to stick to (mostly) chronological order and go from there!

1. Graduation(#1)

Ellie finished high school! As for many families, Covid wreaked some havoc in our lives and Ellie, Jay and I made the prayerful decision for Ellie not to return to Bishop Stang last fall. Instead, she was officially "homeschooled" but took classes through our local community college that fulfilled the rest of her high school credit needs and gave her credits for college. It wasn't a traditional way to do senior year, but it was the way that worked best for her. If we have learned anything over the 28 years that we have been parents, it's that what works for one child won't necessarily work for another. We have to be ready to zig and zag and let go of plans and expectations. Not an easy thing to do sometimes. 

Even though finishing up her classes didn't have the fanfare and ceremony that accompanies a traditional senior year, Ellie did great and will be commuting to Bridgewater State University next week to study Business. Between some AP credits and her BCC classes from last year, she's starting as a Sophomore, which is exciting!

Ellie and Leo

2. A Much Needed Small Family Getaway

With all the chaos of 2020 and 2021, I was feeling a little desperate to just get away. By January/February last year, the usual winter isolation was so much harder to deal with as we were still dealing with masks and things shut down or just still so far from "normal". Being stuck inside because of the cold was even harder to deal with than other winters. I started looking daily at how inexpensive it would be to fly to Florida and sending Jay text messages about trips. But with the twins due in March, we didn't feel like it was the best decision to go away at that point. I really needed something tangible to look forward to, so we decided to plan a trip for mid June. But then, Liz's doctor told her that there was a possibility that her baby could arrive early depending on how well they were able to control her blood pressure issues, which fell at that mid June mark. Since I really needed to plan a trip away for my mental health, Jay and I decided to plan a trip for the third week of May. We took Peter, Luke and Kate out of school and flew to Disney for a week. We didn't tell them about it until 2 days before we left, because so many things have had to be postponed or canceled over the last year that I didn't want them to be disappointed.

Like most people travelling, we didn't share a lot about our trip. There has been a lot of "shaming" going on in social media for doing things that some consider "too risky" because of covid, so we had an old fashioned, non social media documented trip. Well, at least until now! ;) 

It was a lot of fun! We stayed in hotels that most of us have never stayed in before. We did a split stay: 4 nights at the Polynesian and 3 nights at the Boardwalk. (I stayed at the Polynesian a couple of times as a little girl, and I also stayed there last October during another undocumented short trip that I took with just Jon and Peter that was a rescheduled graduation trip....originally planned for the day the world shut down in March, 2020!)

Luke and Kate loved the volcano pool at the the Polynesian! Since it was May, and hot(!), we spent a lot of time in the pool around our visits to the parks. Jay loved his stay at the Polynesian because of the close proximity of dole whip! lol We tried some new restaurants, ate at some of our favorites, tried new snacks, and I finally got a boba ball drink in Animal Kingdom. Our goal for the trip was for it to be life giving and child led. The last year has been a lot for everyone, Kate and Luke included, and with all the changes in our family Jay and I felt like the youngest have been short changed at times in the attention department. We've never taken them on a trip by themselves, and it was really nice to only divide our attention among 3 kids! Planning a trip for 5 people vs 12-14 is SO much easier!!! 

3. Vaca Pics

Since #2 was more of a "long take" than a "quick take", pics get their own spot!:)

Luke driving by himself!

Via Napoli...one of our favorites! Especially Kate's!

Luke loving all thing Star Wars!

Kate getting a ride in Peter's wheelchair.
Peter wasn't hurt...it's just easier for us to keep
him from wandering off and getting lost in a crowd!

Jungle Cruise

Yak and Yeti...such a good meal!

Mickey Pops! My favorite snack!

Date night in!

Toy Story Mania

Pirate Luke...Aargh!

Rise of the Resistance...such a cool ride!

Peter...sitting and snacking in his happy place!

4. Countdown To Grandbaby #3

The month of June was a big countdown to Grandbaby #3. Liz wanted to be surprised about having a boy or a girl...much to Andrew's chagrin! Andrew would say, "Liz, you hate surprises! Why do you want to be surprised about one of the biggest moments of your life?!?" But Liz held firm, so we were all left to guess who this new little bundle would be.  Liz did great through the end of her pregnancy, navigating a mild case of gestational diabetes and sacrificing all the fun foods and monitoring her blood sugars multiple times a day. 

I took this the night before the scheduled induction.
Liz looked great!

We all held our breath as June came to an end. The doctors decided to induce the night of the 30th, but Liz went into labor on her own  during the day. The process was long and tedious as first labors sometimes are. Liz did great with Andrew being so supportive by her side every minute and, at 5:35 am, Xavier Christopher made his debut! Xavier weight 6lbs 12oz and 20.5 inches long. Mom was healthy, baby was healthy and our family was blessed with another grandson! 

Xavier Christopher

Fun fact, Andrew is not only Kate's brother, but also her Godfather. They have a really special relationship and are very close. Andrew told Kate that she could be the first person in our family to know whether she had a niece or a nephew. So, even though I got very frequent labor updates through the night from Andrew, when the baby was born, Andrew called the house to tell Kate first! She stumbled out of bed when she heard the phone ring, because she knew that call was going to be for her! It was so sweet to see her so excited...and of Andrew to treat his little sister in such a special way.

5. Graduation #2

At the end of July, Sarah graduated from Bridgewater with a graduate degree in Speech Therapy. Sarah worked really hard in a very intense program and finally reached the end! The graduation ceremony was at Gilette Stadium. She is so glad to be finished. She got a job at a local private practice and really loves the kids she is working with. She's also loving getting a paycheck! Now she gets to do those fun adulting tasks like making a budget. She's getting married in September, 2022, so she has just over a year to do some saving. With the encouragement of her older brother, Jon, who has spent a lot of his free time in the last couple of years learning about investing and saving strategies based on the FIRE movement(Financial Indepedence:Retire Early), she also opened a Vanguard account. 

Jon also writes a blog post about his experience as a college student to save money and now as a new husband and dad...(he's the one with the twins.) The name of his blog is Frugal Jon and you can check it out here!

6. Vacation Week...aka #momfail

Jay has to pick his summer vacation week in March every year. I had debated over two different weeks because of where Luke's birthday fell, but it turns out that the week I wrote on our calendar was not the same week that I gave to Jay to take off! We didn't find out about it until 3 days before his actual vacation started... I had written it down for the week after.

We had a weekend trip to the Vineyard planned that I thought was starting our vacation, but now turned out was going to be the end of our vacation and had to now be shortened a day because we had to be back on Sunday night. The biggest bummer was that we had planned a mini trip to Lego Land for Kate, Luke and Peter and they didn't have the same package for our actual week off. I moved the trip to Columbus Day weekend, but Kate and Luke were definitely disappointed. They handled it well, but Ugh:(. Not my best mom moment.

The week looked different than I thought it would, but it still went ok, and we were happy to have Jay home. The first weekend was spent celebrating Luke's 12th birthday...Laser Gate with some of his siblings and his favorite chicken pie for dinner...and saying goodbye to our Pastor who was being transferred. One day, we did an escape room with Ellie, Peter, Kate and Luke as well as lunch and shopping in Mashpee. That was a fun outing. Another day, Jay and I even got a few hours for a lunch date.  It wasn't a complete fail, but it definitely felt a little flat...at least for me.

Ambrose and Leo enjoyed the carousel...the beach, not so much!

#7. The End...Of Summer That Is

We are less than a week away from school starting. This time of year is always bittersweet! (And hectic!) School supplies, finishing summer packets, checking to see what part of their uniforms fit/need to be replaced, and trying to squeeze in just a little more summer fun can be a tad bit overwhelming! While I like Fall weather, and I like routine, I'm not feeling ready to jump back into all the early morning lunch making and afternoon homework. (Except for Peter...he needs to go back to school! Special needs kiddos thrive on their routine, and having him home full time since 8/6 has burned me out. I'm ready for a break!) But with everyone else, return to school feels bittersweet. #honesttiredmom

Lots of changes are happening for me this Fall. I will be watching the twins three days a week while Marisa is at work. One of her aunts is going to do the other two days. It will be a big adjustment! They are SO cute! Also, quite a lot of work since there are two of them! I give Jon and Marisa lots of credit...especially with the night time wake ups. (That is definitely one part of having babies that I don't miss!) 

Hopefully, we can figure out a routine that works pretty quickly. The boys and I have had a few "discussions" about going easy on Grammy since she's outnumbered!

To end on a completely positive, (and adorable) note, here are a few pics of our small gaggle of grandsons!

Leo

Ambose

Xavier

Our three amigos

Pupa and Xavier

Leo and Ambrose

Ambrose

Xavier

Holding Xavier at home for the first time

Xavier

Joining in with Kelly for Quick Takes!

The Adventures of Pupa and Grammy

 I've had this blog post written in my head for several weeks, but I think about writing it when I'm holding babies and my arms are always too full to type. (Which is an amazing problem to have!)

It's been a little over 8 weeks since the twins made their grand entrance into the world after the longest induction process I have ever seen! Marisa went into the hospital on the morning of Thursday, March 18th. A medication was started to soften her cervix further. We all thought the boys would arrive on St. Joseph's feast day, but Friday came and Marisa needed more meds to continue the cervix softening process. We were all convinced that Saturday must be the day.....WRONG! The doctor determined that Marisa still wasn't ready for pitocin on Saturday am. It was a VERY long three days in the hospital for Marisa and Jon...and quite the emotional roller coaster to psyche yourself up for labor only to be put off day after day! Because of Covid rules, no one could visit her in labor and delivery. Jon could be with her, but he couldn't leave. And because Marisa was carrying twins, they wouldn't let her go home for a night and sleep in her own bed. 

It was a loooong three days! (For the grandparents, too! It's hard not to worry and it's hard to be on the outside just receiving information and not able to do anything.)

Finally(!). around 3am Sunday morning, the doctor gave the green light for pitocin! Labor progressed slowly, (I repeat, slowly), the entire day! Marisa loved getting the epidural and declared that it was the best she felt since before she got pregnant! So clearly it worked well for her. 

Finally(!!), about 8:30pm Marisa was 10cm and it was time to push. It was the longest 45 minutes of my life. It's so hard to wait to find out that everyone is ok! 

And, FINALLY(!!!), at 9:17, Leo Jason was born! Leo was healthy, Marisa was good and, only 7 minutes later at 9:24, Ambrose Thomas joined his brother! 

For the entire pregnancy, Ambrose was "Baby A" and Leo was "Baby B"....then, right before delivery, Leo snuck ahead of his brother and was born first! I think that's going to be a big part of his personality-a tease just like his daddy! Luke commented that Leo was going to hold it over Ambrose's head that he is the oldest. Then Kate, who has empathy for being the youngest child, said that when they play board games and the rules say that the youngest goes first, then Ambrose will have the upper hand!

Leo was 6lb 4oz and Ambrose was 6lbs 7oz....which are great sizes for twins! Marisa is glad they were born almost three weeks early! Both boys were 20 inches long.

Adjusting to life with twins has been challenging! Sleep deprivation with two babies is no joke! Thankfully, they have lots of people willing to hold babies so they can take naps. It's given us extra opportunities to snuggle the boys...which is an amazing experience.

Marisa and Jon are great parents! The boys are thriving. At their one month appointments, Ambrose was 9lbs and Leo was 8lbs 14oz. And they are definitely bigger than that now!

Now that they have hit the 8 week mark, you can see them starting to slip into more of a routine with sleeping and awake time. They are starting to be content to sit in their swing or bouncy seat for half an hour or more and they are starting to fall asleep without needing to be held all the time. (Marisa and Jon are very excited and hopeful! It's amazing what you're able to get done when you can use two hands!) They are looking forward to their sleep blocks to extend a little longer...which I'm sure will be soon at the rate they are growing! 

Being a grandparent has been a joyful experience. There is just nothing like holding and snuggling a baby...and getting to hold and snuggle two babies is even more amazing! We are so blessed that they live close by and we get to see them frequently. Most week days since Jon went back to work, I get to spend some time with the boys so Marisa can shower and get ready for the day. Although, I don't think they will need me for that much longer now that the boys seem to be happy to be in their seat/swing for an extended period of time. But I'm sure that Marisa will still want a break...or a nap!...most days, so I shouldn't miss out on too many baby snuggles!

How many pics have we taken....too many to count! But here are some of my favorites:)

 

                                              Meeting these two bundles of joy for the first time!

Ambrose

                                                                        Little Leo:)

                                                (Ambrose is on the left, Leo on the right)

Jay and I are thoroughly enjoying our adventures as Pupa and Grammy!