Enough...Revisited

Around the first of the year, the "buzz" in the blog world was finding your 'word' for the year.  At first, I didn't really give much thought to it, but then a word seemed to fit just right!  That word was...

ENOUGH.

Like most things that we think about around the first of the year, the word 'enough' faded away into the background.  In the past few weeks, that word has been popping into my head again.  Actually, it was jumping up and down in my head during our crazy whirlwind week-and-a half of graduation, graduation, and graduation!  Trying to make each of my children's graduation days special, while still taking care of the other 5 kids needs, was more than challenging!  It took all of my emotional energy...and then some...to pull it off. 

I still haven't completely recovered.  

At the end of last week I was driving around town doing those countless 'Mommy errands' and taxi driving that is part of our jobs.  The van was getting low on gas but I was trying to hold out until Friday to fill up...you know, payday:)  

Since our van is fairly new, it has a display that pops up when it is low on gas.  It starts at 50 miles to empty and then continues until you feed it or you reach 0.  (Thankfully, the latter has never happened to me!)

I felt like the tank was mimicking my own internal, emotional feelings.  As I drove it on Thursday and Friday and Saturday, until I was down to 20 miles to empty and I finally stopped to get gas, I would notice the numbers on the tank being slowly drained and thought, "That's how I feel right now.  35 miles to empty...then 29 miles to empty..then 23 miles to empty." 

But I just can't seem to figure out how to "fill up".  

The obvious answer is prayer....and I have been.  It's just one of those times that my prayers are answered with silence.  I've been around this block before....and I can't say that I enjoy it.  Everything just lacks...something.  I just feel internally 'blah'.  

It's like everything is oatmeal...without the sugar or the cinnamon or the raisins or the craisins.  Just blah.

There's always a 'why' to how we feel.  I just haven't been able to figure it out.  I know that burnout is definitely a contributing factor...but it isn't the only one.  

Again, I find myself turning to that word, "enough", just in a different way.  What if I never have enough to fill me?  What if I'm just sooooo needy that even God won't have enough to fill me?

Why do I have to be so needy, anyway?

While I know in my head the truth.......

"but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power[c] is made perfect in weakness.” So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me."  2Corinthians12;9

....I'm waiting for the God's healing grace to touch my heart in its present messy state.  

Until then, His Word on my heart will continue to be:

Psalm 43:5

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God.

Rhythm

I'm linking up with Lisa Jo for Five Minute Friday today because that's what I have!  Hope your Friday is fabulous as you jump into the weekend!

The word of the day is.....

RHYTHM

Lately, I feel like I have no rhythm.  I'm not talking about dancing either....because I've never had rhythm for dancing!  I enjoy being on the dance floor but 'it ain't pretty'!  

But I digress...

I feel like the rhythm of my life is just 'off'.  It's been so busy for so long that I haven't had time to breathe.  I miss the nights when we can just hang out after dinner, do the dishes, and play with the little kids until they pass out.  I call it, "regular nights".  

It seems that those kinds of nights are more like special nights lately.  There are just too many nights with a meeting or an activity for one of the kids.  I just don't feel like we have good balance right now...and I don't know how to fix it.  Living the paycheck to paycheck life like most people....or actually the paycheck to OMG how am I going to make this last until the next paycheck(!) life like most people....is making me tired...and stressed.  

I find myself craving time...which there is never enough of....especially time reconnecting with my husband.

Praying about it....waiting on some answers.   

Hearts Wide Open

Today was the Mass for the end of Ellen's school year.  It was her last official day as a fourth grader!  Yikes...it seems like yesterday when Mike was a fourth grader!  Sigh...time just keeps on flying by!

Sarah and I took Luke and Kate to Mass.  Taking Luke and Kate to Mass is always an adventure!  Kate was especially antsy this morning and we didn't even make it to the Gospel before I had to walk with Princess Screechy into the 'cry room'.

Many days at Mass, I don't get to hear much of the readings.  Between Luke and Kate, distraction has become my middle name!  Today, I did catch a few words from the first reading that stuck with me.  I figure that it must be important since God allowed me to hear something so clearly and actually retain it!

So...here it is:)
 
2 Corinthians 9:6-7
6 Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. 7 Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. 


A cheerful giver.  Those two words were bouncing around my head during my cry room time.  What is a cheerful giver?  Am I a cheerful giver?  What is God asking me to give?


Things that make you go hmmmmm.......

My thoughts among doling out goldfish crackers and shushing the kids drifted to, "Do I live with my heart wide open?"  I know the expression "Eyes Wide Open" which, in Wikipedia, is defined as "an expression that means that a person is fully aware of a true situation." 

Being fully aware of a situation with your eyes....and your mind....is sometimes much different that being aware of a situation with your heart, don't you think?

I can look at a situation with my eyes and understand what the truth is without living with my heart wide open.

Living with my heart wide open is harder than living with my eyes wide open.  Having a wide open heart  allows me to feel complete joy, but also be left open to pain.  Having a wide open heart means that I am completely open to God's will, but also need to retract my own will when my plans are not the same as His.

While at Church this morning, my thoughts of living with my heart wide open were connected with my children, particularly my oldest 3.  This letting go process is really hard.  I spent most of the last 2 decades trying to guide and protect them and now, as they begin to take the first steps is venturing out on their own, much of how we relate is changing.  Change has been going on slowly for a while, but now we are on the very edge of the mountain where they are getting ready to jump into their own adult lives and I don't have control about what is underneath them!

I know this is the way it is supposed to be, but it isn't easy!  I can't say I'm living with my heart wide open in regards to their growing up and making their own ways.  I'm not 100% ready.  I'm not on the roller coaster with my hands up in the air enjoying the thrill of the ride.  Most of the time I feel like I'm riding the track up to the top of the highest drop thinking, "Why on earth did I ever get on this ride in the first place?!?"

My heart isn't wide open...it has boxing gloves on in a guarded position trying to keep from getting hurt!

The problem is that when you try to protect yourself from pain, you also keep yourself from letting in the joy.  Such a Catch 22!

There is a particular beach that our kids like to go to when we visit Martha's Vineyard.  It's a beach that gets a lot of big waves whenever a ferry comes to Oak Bluffs Harbor.  The excitement starts as soon as the ferry is spotted and shouts ensue encouraging siblings to race to the edge of the water.  Sitting in the shallow water, those giant waves come in and crash into my children....throwing them head over heals as they laugh and grin at each other and right themselves to enjoy each wave!  Sure they get a little water in their noses and a ton of sand in their bathing suits....but they enjoy the ride.(Even the oldest ones that like to pretend they don't enjoy anything sometimes!)

I think that's how I have to make my heart: jumping into the joy and power of life's waves....despite the water up my nose or the sand in my bathing suit!

Oh...and the blessings of a cheerful giver....2Corinthians 9:8

 And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

Hopping into Monday...(pun intended)

It was a nice weekend with family.  I got some nice 'action' shots:)

The big Saturday chore that spilled into Sunday and will be finished up tonight(hopefully!), was opening the pool!  Jay found a tree frog for Luke.  Luke walked around with his new 'friend' all afternoon!

Luke pointing to the frog...

Luke's frog he named, originally, "Frog":)

In the last pic, I told Luke to say "cheese".  He said, "Mom, frogs can't talk.  They can't smile either!"  LOL

Kate and Luke had some 'cousin fun' after brunch at our house on Sunday.  I couldn't get Kate and Mya to look at the camera at the same time!  But they are cuties anyway! Luke and Brayden were using the noodle as a telescope of their pirate ship...such great imaginations! 

I got these cute shots of Kate...

I just love that little face!

Today, Sarah and I took Kate and Luke to Ellie's school's field day at Cathedral Camp.  Ellie liked having her siblings there!

The school year is winding down...2 more days for Jon and Ellie and 3 more days for Peter!  Just as their year is winding down, I am looking into financing option for Mike's loans at Assumption and Andrew is at an overnight orientation at UMass!

Never a dull moment around here:)  Hope you are having a great Monday!

Father's Day

Father's Day is a pretty big day around here...seeing as Jay has become a father many times!  Figuring out how to honor a man who, every day, gives his all to his family is no easy task.  I was thinking about re-posting one of my favorites, Ode to My Husband, but then changed my mind!

Here's what I came up with....

The following are my top 9 memories of Jay...one with each of my kids.

(I know what you're thinking, Jay, 

(And for any of you readers that just thought)...

"Oh, she should just go for an even 10 and have one more!"...

I'm giving you my angry eyes!)

In order of birth......

1.  Michael

The memory that pops into my head first of Jay with Mike actually occurred while Mike was still in utero.  It was our first ultrasound.  We were young, overwhelmed teenagers trying to adjust to the new path our lives had taken.  Seeing Mike on the ultrasound screen made everything real.  I remember Jay being so excited to see Mike on the screen, looking like he was using my bladder for a trampoline.  Jay was grabbing and rubbing my foot since the only place for him to stand was at the end of the table.  Not all guys would have stepped up into a father role at that point in life, but Jay jumped in with both feet!

2.  Andrew

Andrew was a very colicky baby.  He was sooo challenging during the day for the first thirteen years few months.  Andrew took two 15 minute naps a day and demanded to be carried(facing out) the rest of the hours he was awake!  Jay worked at a nursing home the summer before he started grad school when Andrew was an infant.  Jay would come home and I would just hold Andrew out to him without saying a word.  I.was.always.done by 5pm!  Jay would take Andrew and walk around our neighborhood cuddling him and talking and singing to him.  Jay always loves the kids as babies...even the difficult ones!

3.  Jonathan

Jonathan loved to toddle around Jay.  Jon especially loved being Jay's sidekick during the summer that we grew tomatoes and Jay made and canned homemade tomato sauce.  Jon would sit on the counter with his pudgy little legs "helping" to pour in ingredients.  Jon always wanted to lick the spoon that the tomato paste was on!  (eww...never understood that one!)  But, I love that the boys always wanted to be doing whatever daddy was doing...and that Jay had the patience to let them join in!

4.  Therese

This is a tough one because Therese was with us for such a short time....and the time was intense and filled with so much grief.    The best memory that I have is of Jay laying Therese in her crib for the first time...and though we didn't know it at the moment, her last time.  He had just stayed up cuddling her and holding her until her midnight feeding so that I could get a little sleep before her 3am feeding.  I woke up as he walked into the room and laid her in the crib that we had bought just for her.  Some memories are extra precious because you have so few....

5.  Sarah

Sarah was born 364 days after Therese...and having a healthy baby girl was like balm to our broken hearts.  My favorite memory was captured in a picture that I need to find.  It hung on our wall for years.  Sarah was dressed in her little pink outfit just laying in the hospital bassinet while we were waiting to be discharged.  Jay leaned over to kiss her perfect baby cheek and I snapped a picture.(pre-digital cameras!)  The look on his face was priceless...complete joy, happiness and peace!  (And he's been 'wrapped' ever since!)

6. Peter

With Peter, I want to share an overall theme rather than a memory.  Having a child with very pronounced disabilities is incredibly difficult.  It's like having the most difficult baby and toddler phase that you can think of at the same time....and it lasted 8 years before it got a little easier.  It's not as hard now...at least compared to what it used to be like.  It still is far from easy.  Jay does so much to take care of Peter....from bathing him to taking care of him when he wakes up at night to taking him for rides on the highway to the town next to us because, for whatever reason, it's something Peter is obsessed with and loves to do and it makes him so happy!  Jay is a great dad even when it's hard for the long haul!

7. Ellen

Ellen was born a few months before Peter's 2nd birthday-which was pre-diagnosis.  Because Peter was so hard at night, and I was supplementing with Ellie, Jay took care of Ellie's night feedings.  Every night for the first 18 months of her life, Jay got up and gave his baby girl her bottle.  Just like her big sister, Ellie is a 'Daddy's girl', too!

8.  Luke

As soon as Luke figured out that there was more to life than nursing(!), he has been Daddy's little helper.  Armed with his plastic 'tools', Luke works side-by-side with Jay tearing down walls, building cabinets, painting, or whatever the project happens to be.  Luke knows the sound of a sander or saw from several rooms away.  He might be engrossed in a tv show, but as soon as he hears a tool he goes running to the garage!  Jay gives him a 'Lukie job' and they work side-by-side.....even though Luke sometimes makes more work for Jay than he started with!

9.  Kate

Last but not least is our newest little daughter that has her Daddy wrapped around her little finger.  All Kate has to do is look up at Jay with her big blue eyes and say, "Dadeeee", and Jay visibly melts!  He is the horsey ride giver, block tower so she can knock it down maker, and creator of the bath bubbles!  Kate adores her Daddy as much as Jay adores his little girls!

If we want to make Jay cry, all we have to do is talk about one of his little girls getting married!  If the song Dancing With Cinderella comes on....it's all over!  Break out the tissues!

Happy Father's Day to an incredible father!  Jay, I'm so glad we are on this wild, crazy ride together!  Thanks for not running away screaming and for making it fun and meaningful despite all this chaos!

Happy Father's Day!

linking up with Julie for the Distinguished Dads Link up!

We Made It To Friday!

Linking up with 7 Quick Takes Friday...

1.  Sarah's Special Weekend

Well, really it was a loooong weekend because it started on Friday with her class field trip to an amusement park...

Having fun despite the rain!  Notice the Burger King Crown!
She's such a goof!

Posing with the "duck face" for the camera!

2.....continued with a Baccalaureate Mass and Semi Formal dance on Saturday....

3.....and ended with graduation on Monday night...

Sarah giving the Valedictorian Address!
She did a great job:)
 Her speech centered around making a difference by getting involved.  Here is the main part of it...(forgive me...I'm a proud mama!:)
" We are the Church and the nation now.  It is our actions that influence it.  Get involved;  it is the best thing you can do.  Let nothing hold you back, but only push you forward.  You are needed and wanted.   Our community needs you, whether it is a small task or a larger one.

Right now, we may not be in a position to cause monumental changes in the world.  In the words of  Blessed Mother Teresa,   "Not all of us can do great things.  But we can do small things with great love."  

Small acts like smiling at a friend or at a stranger, choosing to be positive and not  gossip, defending someone being bullied, befriending someone who is lonely…..these are all small things that make a big difference.  You could save a life by just giving a smile or a friendly comment.

I would like to end with a quote from Blessed Pope John Paul II.  He dedicated his life to helping youth wherever they were.  He was a hero to everyone who knew him.  

He said, “The future starts today, not tomorrow.”

Proud parents with the happy graduate:)

4.  Father-Daughter Dance

Ellie's school held their annual Father-Daughter Dance on Sunday afternoon.  Special Daddy and Ellie time, dancing, friends, and sundaes....doesn't get much better than that!

I love when she wears blue...it compliments her beautiful, blue eyes!

5.  Strawberry Season!

Tuesday was my mom's birthday and her favorite dessert is strawberry shortcake.  The first strawberries of the season usually begin right before her birthday so I always make a homemade shortcake to go with these delicious, local berries!  Kate sampled a few while I was baking.....

Kate loves, loves, loves strawberries!
 (I'm not sure the strawberry  stain is coming out of that shirt, though!)

6.  Tebow Time!

Tim Tebow became a New England Patriot on Monday!  This caused quite a bit of excitement at our house since my boys are huge Patriot fans and had become huge Tebow fans when he was in Denver.  When Tebow became a Jet, it was a great disappointment....How can you cheer for your favorite player on the enemy rival team?

NO MORE ANGST!  Tebow is "one of us" now!

(Just in case you're reading this, Grandma,.....the boys have already put Tebow jerseys on their Christmas lists.  But Mike can't have one because every jersey he gets seems to result in the hurt/trade of the player....like Maroney, Mayo, Chung, and Brady right before he tore his ACL.  Jon says, "He(mike) is a monster that needs to be stopped!  He needs to start buying Bronco stuff!"

7.  Potty Progress!

After successfully potty training 6 other children, Luke has been giving me a run for my money!  On Saturday night, Jay used some positive peer pressure and told Luke that his cousin had gone potty.  That news opened Luke to wearing underpants on Sunday.  Sunday was a rough day...2 successes and lots of accidents.  Luke went through every pair of shorts and pants that he owns!  After his bath that night, I brought out his diaper and jammies and he got all excited..."I get to wear my diaper!!!!!"  That didn't bode well!  Who would have thought someone could be so attached to a diaper?!?

We persevered and Luke's attempts got better on Monday and by yesterday he was down to one accident!  Whoop, whoop!

This morning, Luke woke up with a dry diaper.:)  After going potty, he put on underpants.  Kate got all upset because she wants to do EVERYTHING Luke does and she wanted underpants, too!

Love it!  They are super cute!

Hope you have survived your week and have some fun planned for this weekend!

St. Anthony, St. Anthony Come Around!

Today started off really well.  I didn't have anything official to do today.  We woke up to sunny weather, but a quick peak at the weather channel app on Jay's phone showed that there was more rain to come...sigh.  So I headed outside early with Kate and Luke so that Kate could get in her "winging" and Luke could get his sandbox fix in!  Kate and I were still in our jammies!

We had some nice playtime.  Luke and Kate were swinging on the hammock swing together.  They were so cute!  It was one of those perfect family moments.....until Luke stood up quickly and knocked Kate flat on her face.  Much crying ensued, but no blood!

....here are some pre-drop pics!

Once our outside fun was finished, we headed inside to clean, clean, clean!  I had a double incentive to my day.  Today is the feast day of St. Anthony of Padua.  I think he is best known for helping people find lost things!(St. Anthony was also a very holy man and an incredible speaker!)  I was seeking out his help to find a couple of lost items today!

I hadn't seen Peter's Ipad since Tuesday and our kindle fire has been m.i.a. for about a week!  Since the house needed a good cleaning, using it as an excuse to search for lost items seemed like a good idea.  So with a prayer, my vacuum, my broom, and my dust bin and brush, I started in a favorite tablet hiding place...under or in our living room couches!  I cleaned out and vacuumed under the cushions and moved the couches and cleaned out everything underneath.  No luck...but it was nice knowing the room was clean.

Then I moved onto another tablet hiding place:  under Peter's bed.  I moved the bed, put away all the clutter, cleaned under the bureaus, but still nothing.

I moved onto the family room.  That couch eats things...literally! (there's a hole under one of the cushions and lots of things fall in there!)  I found 5 remotes(!), batteries, plastic dinosaurs, blocks, leftover popcorn....but still no tablets.

Next, I tried under and around Ellie's bed...it can get a little scary around there sometimes.  It really wasn't too bad today, and again, I didn't find what I was searching for.

So, I headed to the room I was avoiding...my room, which is in serious need of a thorough cleaning!  I started  under the bed.  I found one of my missing shoes, a couple of empty cups, pictures, paper, and other miscellaneous items.  I started hanging up clean clothes that were sitting in 'the pile', but got side tracked by a cranky baby.

Ironically, I found the ipad on the sideboard underneath a sweatshirt!  Oh well, at least some rooms got some good cleaning!

I had given up looking for the kindle.  I started dinner and went into Peter's room for something...and the kindle was laying on a pile of blankets I had folded that morning!  My guess is that Peter had heard I was searching for the kindle and had previously stashed it in his closet.  He went in his room and removed it from its hiding place and put it on the blanket.

....or maybe St. Anthony paid us a visit;)

I'm just thankful that I know where both devices are...at least for the moment!