Trusting in God, Despite a Broken Heart

 A couple of months ago, I woke up with a particular Bible verse swimming around in my mind:

"Father, I want to thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I have said this on account of the people standing by, that they may believe that you sent me." (John 11:41-42)

The verse is from the Gospel story when Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. He says those words after the stone is rolled away, but before Jesus calls Lazarus out of the tomb.

So I went back and read the whole story and, as often happens, He highlighted some new perspectives on a story I have heard or read many times before. (See John 11)

Jesus was very close to Martha, Mary, and Lazarus. John 11:5 even says, "Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus."  When Lazarus fell ill, Martha and Mary sent word to Jesus. They believed in Him and saw and heard of the miracles that He did. So, of course, they reached out to Jesus. 

But Jesus didn't come right away. And while the disciples who were with Jesus knew His reason why, "This illness is not unto death; it is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified by means of it,", (vs 4), Martha and Mary did not. They were left to care for their brother, watch him die, and bury him, while dealing with the added grief that Jesus never came.

When Jesus finally arrives, Lazarus has been in the tomb for four days. (vs 17) Martha runs to meet Jesus when she hears that He is coming, but "Mary sat in the house." (vs 20) Martha and Jesus share an emotional exchange. Martha opens her deep brokenness and disappointment that Jesus wasn't there and that He could have prevented her loss. But still she believes and trusts despite her broken heart.

Then Martha goes back to the house and "called her sister Mary, saying quietly, "The Teacher is here and is calling for you. And when she heard it, she rose quickly and went to him."(vs 28) "Quietly" sticks out to me in that line. Gentleness, reverence, missing the harshness of Martha's earlier rebuke of Mary in Luke 10: 38-42. Martha's gentleness shows a compassionate understanding of how Mary is carrying her pain and loving Mary within her emotional struggle.

I imagine that in the time between sending their message to Jesus and Lazarus' death, they would have spoken about their hope that Jesus would come and heal their brother. After Lazarus' death, they must have grieved together and asked each other why Jesus didn't come? They had hoped in Jesus to save them from this suffering, but He never came. 

Just like when Jesus doesn't save us from our suffering in the way they had hoped He would...

At Jesus' arrival, Martha's quick reaction to run outside of town to meet Him seems to show that she carried disappointment but also a level of acceptance. 

Mary's reaction seems to show that she was struggling with feelings of abandonment. Mary needed an invitation. She needed proof that she was wanted, that she was not forgotten and abandoned in her pain.

 When Mary reaches Jesus, she falls at his feet, weeping. I can imagine her words coming out in anguish amidst her grief and tears, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."

How many times have we fallen before the Lord on our knees in our grief? In adoration, on our bedroom floor, in our showers, while we weep tears of anguish and grief and cry to Jesus;

~You weren't here! 

~You could have saved them! 

~You could have saved me!

~You could have saved all of us from this, but you didn't.

~I cried out to you over and over and over again, and You didn't come!

Jesus' reaction to Mary in her deep grief, and His reaction to us in our deep grief, is not one of reproof or anger for questioning Him. "He was greatly moved and troubled." (vs 33)  Jesus meets us with love and gentleness in our pain. Jesus does not rebuke them, or us, for any negative feelings they wrestled with towards Him. Whether we wrestle with whether God is good, or question if God really is who He says He is, or struggle with our own self-worth because Jesus didn't save us from our crosses in the way we had hoped, Jesus' response is always love and gentleness. 

Jesus is completely present with our brokenness. He sees the depth of our pain, even the parts that we try to hide from others and, at times, even ourselves. Jesus' reaction is an intimate sharing in their suffering and in our suffering.

"Jesus wept."(vs 35)

Jesus wept for the pain that Marth and Mary carried, even though He knew that He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead in mere moments. Jesus weeps with us over the pain we carry, even though He will resurrect our brokenness in His time.(see Roman's 8:28)

Jesus asks Martha and Mary,  "Where have you laid him?"(vs 34) But Jesus knew ... He always knows. Jesus is asking Martha and Mary to lead Him to their greatest place of brokenness at that moment. They don't reject Jesus or push Him away in anger, or bitterness, or resentment. Martha and Mary open their brokenness to Him and invite Jesus in with their response, "Lord, come and see." (vs 34)

Within the brokenness of our own hearts, Jesus asks us, "Where have you laid what you thought was dead?" He asks with that same gentleness and love that He asked Martha and Mary. Jesus asks our permission to enter into the darkest, messiest caves of our hearts, where we have buried our deepest hurts. He wants to roll away the stones of self-protection that we have used to try (without real success if we are honest), to protect ourselves from the pain and grief of our broken places.  

Jesus' timing is usually not what we had asked for. His arrival will not come when we expected it. But the grace and peace that He will bring to resurrect our broken places will be far beyond anything we ever expected as we whisper to Him ... come and see.

(This article first appeared on Catholicmom.com)  

Rebuilding the Broken Places

Have you ever spent much time in the book of Nehemiah? Apparently, I spent a little time reading Nehemiah last year, which I forgot all about until I flipped through some of my older journal entries. (I would forget everything if I didn't write it down!) 

Chapter 4 of Nehemiah really resonated with me. In it, the Israelites have newly returned to Jerusalem and are trying to rebuild the wall around the devastated city. The groups surrounding Jerusalem didn't want them to rebuild, planned to attack, and there is a lot of discouragement and hopelessness.

"The strength of the burden-bearers is failing, and there is much rubbish; we are not able to work on the wall." (RSV Second Catholic Edition)

I was thinking about the hearts of the Israelite exiles who had finally been allowed to return and rebuild their city and the wall that would protect them. In returning to Jerusalem, they would have had to face the physical ruins and all that they had lost. They must have been grieving for all that had been; the way that things used to be, and the people they had lost. They worked hard day by day, taking the damaged stones dug out from the rubble of their homeland and trying to make it new. 

They were literally rebuilding their lives.

Isn't that the same for us when we go through something really hard? It can feel like a part of our lives, or even our hearts, has been broken and shattered into unfixable pieces. We are grieving and hurting, and the process to work through and "rebuild" what is broken in our lives can feel overwhelming on the best days and hopeless on the worst.

The Israelites had toiled and pushed through to the point of having the wall built halfway, and that's when taunts and deceptions from the lands and rulers around them began. (see verse 6) The Israelites "prayed to God, and set a guard as a protection against them day and night."(verse 9) 

The Israelite's enemies sought to crush them, as does the evil one when he sees us making progress, working through our own wounds.  Rebuilding and healing take so much effort. It's not easy to go back to the painful moments in our lives and allow God to minister to the hurt. It's not easy to allow ourselves to hope again.  

So how did the Israelites keep moving forward when discouragement, anxiety over further destruction rose, and their hope started to waver? Well, Nehemiah set people by families in the low and open spaces in the wall, which were the weakest spaces. He gave them strength in community, reminded them who they were fighting for, and, most importantly, reminded them that the Lord and His strength were with them.

"Do not be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and terrible, and fight for your brethren, your sons, your daughters, your wives and your homes."

God protected the Israelites and thwarted the enemy's plan.

Rebuilding continued until it was complete with more watchfulness, more protection, and a readiness to defend and fight. The foundation of the Israelites' plan for rebuilding was their trust in God and their reliance on each other. 

When we are working with God to rebuild our own broken places in our lives, we also need to be aware of areas that make us susceptible to our enemy's attack. It's a little different for everyone, but some common areas of attack are our identity as beloved children of God, no matter what choices we've made or how badly we feel like we've "messed up". Falling into self-sufficiency instead of depending on God to lead and provide for us. Not being willing to be vulnerable and ask for help from a loved one, friend, spiritual director, or therapist. (Just like Nehemiah set people by families by the weak points in the wall, we need friends and family interceding for us and supporting us.)

Nehemiah encouraged the Israelites by reminding them about God's strength and that they were rebuilding for their families. We need those reminders and encouragement, too. 

The Israelites felt empowered after the encouragement. While they worked on the wall, the burden bearers worked with one hand and held a weapon in the other. The builders had a sword belted on their side. The man who held the trumpet stood beside them, ready to sound the alarm at any sight of their enemy so that everyone could come quickly and help.(see verse 17-18) Their trust had greatly increased, and they believed that "Our God will fight for us."(verse 20)

When we are encouraged by others and feel like we don't fight our battles alone, our faith in God is strengthened. We feel provided for, loved, and cared for. We need people in our lives to "blow the trumpet" when they see the enemy sowing lies into our woundedness. We need to hold "weapons" in our hands; in particular, receiving the sacraments, and using our Bibles and our Rosaries. God's truth in His Word will dispel the enemy's lies, and Mary will fight with us and keep us close to her Son. Our Guardian Angels and the Saints that we feel drawn to (because they have chosen us!) are our allies as well. We need to call on them for assistance and use the stories from their lives as inspiration. 

Working through grief and rebuilding our broken places takes courage, humility, and time. Especially time. God's efficiency isn't our efficiency. We get frustrated that we aren't healing enough, but that's because we need to give our hearts time to feel safe. Love is patient, love is kind. Jesus is that to us. We need to internalize kindness, patience, and gentleness towards ourselves and allow our hearts to go at a pace they are ready for. I don't know about you, but I'm not really good at that! My internal demands don't sound much like kindness, patience, and gentleness most of the time. I just want to get rid of the hurt ... but that process takes time.

But just as Nehemiah reminded the Israelites, I will "remember the Lord." And as God's Word promises, "My God in his steadfast love will meet me."(Psalm 59:10, RSV2CE)

His steadfast love will meet all of us!

Pic of all my grandsons from a recent family getaway:)

(This post was published first on CatholicMom)

What Happens Next?

 We all love a good Disney ending...

"...And they lived happily ever after!"

When I think of it, it fills me with a sigh of contentment. The main character has been saved from danger, love conquers all, everyone is reunited, and life is perfect. But in reality, that "perfection" only lasts a hot minute because life goes on ... and life frequently has lots of messy moments. True conversion and growth require constant effort. Flynn Rider (Tangled) had to wrestle with learning to live a life that didn't involve illegal means to survive. Elsa and Anna (Frozen) had to learn to accept and live with Elsa's gifts and grieve a past marked by isolation, fear, and loss. Moana and her family had to learn to live without fear and step into who they were meant to be all along. Those kinds of deep transformations don't come easily or quickly, even though it's nice to think they can when the movie ends, because that's SO much easier (and less painful) than reality!

One of the podcasts I listen to regularly is Poco a Poco. Throughout Lent, they focused on the Gospel of the prodigal son through the eyes of story. It's a familiar passage for many. A family made up of a father and two brothers. The younger brother asks his father for his inheritance and leaves the family, squandering everything. Reduced to working in a pigsty, he decides to go home and ask to work as a hired hand for his father. His father, ever hopeful and watchful for his return, runs to greet the wayward son and welcomes him home with a great party. The older son is resentful that his father welcomed his brother home after his brother squandered everything he was given, and refuses to enter the house. His father comes out to plead with his older son to come and celebrate his brother, who was dead and is now alive. 

But what happened after that?

Was the older son able to let go of his bitterness and resentment? Was he able to receive a new perspective and his father's love? To find healing and reconciliation with his brother? To feel secure in his own identity and connection to his father? Was he able to end the internal emotional journey that had him as lost as his younger brother ... just as far away from his father's love, even though he never left? And how long did it all take to get to a place of healing and restoration?

And what about the younger son? Was he able to accept his father's forgiveness and love? Was he able to feel secure in his identity? Was he able to let his plan/role in his family unfold and let repair happen in all of his relationships? Or did he get caught up in trying to earn love back and earn his place back in his family? Did he try to earn acceptance after it was freely given by his father because he struggled to forgive himself?

We don't know the rest of the story. And maybe that's because we are supposed to find ourselves in that story and ponder what ending we hope for.  

We've spent the 40 days of Lent entering the desert of our hearts. Our prayer, fasting, and almsgiving have been meant to show us the places within us where we have wandered away from God and become attached to worldly things, and/or where our hearts have become hardened through bitterness or resentment, leading to an inability to receive the Father's love. Hopefully, this time has been enlightening for us! It's always difficult- (and humbling!)-to see the areas that need work in our inner world!

So what's next for us?

I think that, like the brothers in the Prodigal Son, we have some choices to make and work to do. What we give up for Lent is usually something we have a strong attachment to, and if we are completely honest with ourselves, we have a disordered attachment to it at some level. The concepts of forgiving myself and receiving the Father's love without striving or trying to earn it are things I wrestle with all.the.time.

While talking about the younger brother on the Poco a Poco podcast this Lent, Fr. Innocent said that "the son is going to need to get up every day and fight for the mercy to accept his father's love. We need grace because the 'shame hangover' is real."

The younger son has to choose to stay in the father's gaze and believe who his father says he is because the enemy will be attacking the unhealed wound as he processes his mistakes, his bad choices, and how he has hurt himself and others. That's not just an issue for the younger son in the story. That's a huge stumbling block for all of us. The enemy doesn't give us a "pass" to work through our brokenness! When the enemy sees a way to hurt us and keep us focusing on our own misery instead of on God's mercy, he attacks. 

We have to choose to not be frozen, looking inward, trapped by our feelings of shame and guilt. As hard as it is in those moments, we need to continually lean into God and bring our brokenness to Him. We need God to remind us over and over again who we are to Him, and allow His healing graces to transform our hearts and minds. 

Throughout the Easter Season, I hope we can soak up all the available grace and continue our journey that we started in Lent. "Happily Ever After" might only be for Heaven, but we can continue the path God started us on way back on Ash Wednesday. Easter wasn't the finish line. We can continue relying on His mercy and His plan for us.

A pic of all the grandbabies on Easter

A Little (Much Needed!) Winter Inspiration

I am not a lover of winter, and this winter season has given me extra reminders of why I'm not a fan. Last week, I sat on my couch as snow just continued to fall and fall and fall. On one hand, it was awe-inspiring to see the effects that one blizzard can have. On the other hand, it was very overwhelming and left me feeling trapped with no control. 

So as I sat on the couch, I pulled up pictures on my phone from last summer, remembering warmer days and reminding myself that winter doesn't last forever. (Even when it truly feels like it might never leave!) There were lots of pictures of backyard pool time fun with the grandbabies. Fun photo memories of our trip to Maine. Beach pictures, outdoor birthday celebrations, and pictures that remind me how fast babies change in just six months.

Then there were pictures that I took during a local harbor cruise. Among the beautiful sunset pics and the laughter of friends were images I had forgotten all about. As we travelled around the harbor that day, listening to lots of fun, historical facts, I was inspired by some of the names of the fishing boats.

Who would have guessed that those pictures would be such an encouragement all these months later, giving me reminders that God is everywhere ... all the time! Even on a harbor cruise and in a blizzard!

Google says that "in a Catholic context, the phrase, 'God is my vindicator', means trusting that God, as a righteous and just Judge, will ultimately defend your reputation, clear your name from false accusations, and bring justice to situations where you have been wronged." Seeing this boat reminds me that God is in charge of all circumstances and outcomes. He is the one who fights for me and saves me. And since one of the lies I fall into much too frequently is "It all depends on me," the reminder that I'm not the one in charge and that I don't have to figure everything out on my own is important. 

The Oxford Dictionary defines diligence as "careful and persistent work or effort". Diligence is a great word that goes along with adulting. I want to have diligence in my marriage, my motherhood, the way I keep our home, and our finances. 

You can find the word 'diligent' a few times in the book of proverbs. My favorite verse is Proverbs 13:4, 

"The soul of the sluggard craves, and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied."

Isn't sluggard such a great sounding word?!? It's not something I want to be ... I want to be the "soul of the diligent" and be "richly supplied"! But, like Buddy the Elf says, "That's fun to say!"

 

Who doesn't want more wisdom?? There are lots of good verses on 'wisdom' in the Bible. One of my favorites is James 1:5.

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives to all men generously and without reproaching, and it will be given him."

I'm always lacking and always asking! Please and thank you, God, for your kindness and generosity!

This is just a cool sunset pic that I took:)

Ah...endurance! Something I need so much of in this crazy life. Endurance to get through the day, endurance to parent through difficult situations, endurance in the crosses of life. I need endurance by the bucketloads! 

This last one is my favorite: Fearless. It's not the prettiest boat, but I think that tells the story of the word even better! Being fearless often means getting messy, being stretched beyond our comfort zones, and trusting that God will provide for us along whatever road (or ocean!) that He asks us to journey on. 

I am not fearless. I am more what you would call fear-filled. But God is working on me.:) And since some form of "Fear not" or "Do not be afraid" appears 365 different times in the Bible, I don't think I'm alone in my struggle!

I just need to have a few of those 365 verses on a sticky note hanging on my mirror, in my Bible, or anywhere prominent so that when the fear comes, I can focus on God's words instead of the heightened anxiety starting to twist and grow deep inside of me. Words like:

"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Fear not, I will help you."

And so ends my little tour down memory lane. :) Wishing you warmer weather, an early spring, and that God provides all the inspiring words you need!

No Resolutions Required!

In complete transparency, I heard almost none of the homily at the Mass for the Solemnity of the Mother of God. (Sorry, Fr. Ryan!) Our pastor began his homily on New Year's Day by highlighting the fact that the first reading of the Mass was all about a blessing:

"...The Lord bless you and keep you! The Lord let his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you! The Lord look upon you kindly and give you peace! So shall they invoke my name upon the Israelites, and I will bless them." Numbers 6:24-27

And after his initial words, I didn't really hear anything else. My mind just latched onto this thought:

"The Church is beginning this new year with a blessing ... not a self improvement to-do list."

And that's all I could ponder.

Maybe I've done New Year's wrong for the majority of my life!?! 

Most years, I have a whole list of ideas of how I want my new year to look like and the things I have to do to achieve those goals. Midnight on New Year's Eve has been like the gunshot at the starting line of a race - hurry, go, don't look back, and try your hardest not to fail! After an advent season and Christmas octave full of not only memories, traditions, friends and family, but also overindulgence, sensory overwhelm, and no semblance of routine, the thought of a reset with clear goals and objectives is often welcome. But I often try to overcorrect! Instead of just embracing a reentry into a more normal life rhythm, my pendulum swings from overwhelmed and overindulged to some kind personal reset boot camp that is in no way sustainable, (or often even reasonable!).

Taking a Necessary Pause

In regards to New Year's goals and resolutions, an important question to consider is where our motivation to make and achieve these goals is coming from. Did we even give ourselves a little time to pray and ask God what He wants our focus to be as we start a new year? Did we take a little time to reflect over the journey God has led us on over the last year? Where were our greatest joys, where were our greatest sorrows and where were the blessings that God brought out of all circumstances? Where are the areas that we noticed growth? Have we experienced more awareness, patience, or peace in situations or with people that we have previously struggled with?  Did God bring healing to any area of brokenness in our lives? What were the things that God showed us through prayer that left us pondering and led to spiritual growth?

Most years, I don't consider any of those questions. My mind is already running into the new year before I've made peace with the old. I already know I need to be better, and out of my insecurities and inadequacies I am picking areas that I can strive harder and hopefully make some gains. I've often tried to force growth under my own strength and my own will power. But that just leads to burnout and abandoned resolutions.

We Are SO Good at Falling Into the Trap of Self Sufficiency. 

We need to pause our own thoughts on what we think we should focus on and instead ask that question of God? We will only know if we ask and then quiet ourselves on the inside and wait to hear His answer. Very often His answer is very different from what we think we should be doing. It's not always about speeding up and adding more. Sometimes it's about slowing down to the speed of the Holy Spirit. It's about waiting for His whisper, waiting for His invitation to take a step. It's about going deeper, leaning in, and drawing nearer.

Sometimes it's not about adding anything new at all and just about continuing on the journey we've been on. 

Here's the Good News!

Just because it's no longer New Year's Day doesn't mean we've blown it! With almost all of 2026 still before us, we have plenty of opportunity to course correct. Thankfully, God's Word says that His mercies are "new every morning", not just on January 1st! (see Lamentations 3:23)

So today, regardless of the date on the calendar, carve out a few minutes to ask God where your focus for this new year should be. Don't try to figure it out on your own, or try to convince God that your ideas are the best way to go. Ask and then wait. Maybe your answer comes immediately and maybe it doesn't. Allow God to unfold the answer in your heart in His timing. 

Welcome to 2026. I pray that this year is filled with grace and blessings for all of us! 

(No resolutions required!)

Go Pats!;)

gospel reflection 1/15/26

"A leper came to him [and kneeling down] begged him and said, "If you wish, you can make me clean." Moved with pity, he stretched out his hand, touched him, and said to him, "I do will it. Be made clean." The leprosy left him immediately, and he was made clean. Then, warning him sternly, he dismissed him at once. Then he said to him, "See that you tell no one anything, but go, show yourself to the priest and offer for your cleansing what Moses prescribed; that will be proof for them." The man went away and began to publicize the whole matter. He spread the report abroad so that it was impossible for Jesus to enter a town openly. He remained outside in deserted places, and people kept coming to him from everywhere."

-Mark 1:40-45

This is one of my favorite Gospel stories. I can just feel the discouragement and the desperation in the leper's voice as he approaches Jesus and falls to his knees. This man has suffered under the cross of his illness that has stripped him of any other identity other than leper; an illness that has sentenced him to a life of exile from his family and from his community. He has lost everything except for his constant companions of pain and loneliness.

There are times in my life that I have felt stripped of any identity other than the pain of the brokenness that I have carried. When all of the darkness in my heart has created the feeling of emotional exile from even those closest to me. It's at those times of deep heartache that the posture of my heart mimics that of the leper in this Gospel. I see myself falling to my knees in front of Jesus, my self sufficiency utterly spent and my heart completely opened and surrendered to Him. In humility, I utter words begging Jesus similar to the leper. "If you wish....you can heal my heart." "If you wish ... you can heal my family." "If you wish ... you can take this cross from me."

I always long to hear Jesus speak the same words he said to the leper, "I do will it." Sometimes Jesus' answer to my prayers filled with deep longing are answered quickly with the outcome I had hoped for. But even when His answer to me is "not yet", a prayerful interaction with Jesus brings the Grace to continue hoping and waiting on His timing. 

Is there something in your own life that makes you feel like the leper in this Gospel passage? Are you ready to kneel before Jesus and ask Him for relief from the burden you are carrying?

Jesus, please give us the grace to lay our hearts before you. Please hear and tend to our deepest longings and heaviest burdens to give us the peace beyond all understanding. Thank you for your merciful love. Amen.

Don't Miss the Knock

In 2019, the last full year of my grandfather's life, I took on the responsibility of bringing him the pills he needed each day to his assisted living. I got to know the women who ran the front desk and some of the residents that frequented the common areas at the time I came. There was Dennis, who was super outgoing and always had a joke to tell me.  Sweet Maria, who always had a smile. Joe, the very kind head of maintenance and Mia, who kept everyone's rooms clean but, more importantly, always loved on everyone with her big smiles, constant encouragement, and heartfelt concern. 

And then there was Cliff. Cliff wasn't very old. He was probably in his 50's, but had some cognitive struggles. It took me quite a while to warm up to Cliff. I saw him almost every morning, walking quickly down the hallway with his head down and, what seemed to me, an angry expression on his face on his way out for a cigarette. He made me feel uncomfortable. Not because of anything he said, because he never actually spoke to me. It was just his demeanor that made me feel uneasy. Every day for months, Cliff walked by me with his quick pace down the hallway, head down, with the same off-putting expression.

A Different Perspective

Then there was one day that I noticed something other than Cliff's quick pace and demeanor. I noticed that Cliff had a hole in his sneaker. For the next week or two, I kept noticing that same hole, and I felt a little nudge in my heart that I should buy him a new pair of shoes . That nudge made me inwardly groan because Cliff made me feel uncomfortable and I didn't want to get involved or have a conversation with him. (I know...not very virtuous. But that's what I was thinking.) 

I dragged my feet for a few days, but every morning I noticed Cliff in the same pair of shoes with that same hole. I finally worked up the courage to ask the secretary what his name was and if she thought he would be ok with it if I bought him a pair of sneakers. She enthusiastically said he would be and introduced us so I could ask him what his shoe size was and his color preferences. Our conversation was quick, but he wasn't unkind. Then I stopped by the shoe store after work and brought him the new sneakers the very next morning.

After I gave him the shoes, everything changed. While he still walked quickly down the hall each morning, Cliff no longer kept his head down when he passed me. He always looked my way with a big smile and greeted me with, "Hi, Buddy!" I was no longer uncomfortable around Cliff now that I got to see this different side of him.  And we remained friends.

When covid hit in March of 2020, my grandfather's assisted living no longer allowed me to bring his pills in every day. When they finally started allowing adult visitors in July, residents weren't allowed to congregate in the common areas yet. My grandfather passed away that August, and that chapter of my life came to a close. 

I still think about the people that became friendly acquaintances for that season. I'm grateful that God gave me the opportunity to step out of my own comfort zone and do a small act of kindness for a stranger. Giving the gift of a pair of sneakers was so small compared to the gift of a different perspective that God gave to me. 

As we grow closer and closer to Christmas, my experience with Cliff makes me think of the innkeeper in Bethlehem on that long ago night. Amidst the hustle and bustle of trying to manage an overcrowded inn, a man and a woman ready to give birth appear on his doorstep seeking shelter. He could have just sent them away and let them find some other innkeeper that might be able to help. But he doesn't. Even though he can't offer them everything they need, the innkeeper offers them what he has; shelter in his stable. (See Luke 2:7)

My own life is also filled with hustle and bustle! It's easy to just try to get through our day jumping from task to task on my never ending to-do list. (And this time of year, that to-do list is extra never ending!)

When God knocks on the door of our hearts, it can be easy to push aside whatever task or interaction He's asking from us because we're just too busy to fit something else into our already over planned day. Or we miss it altogether because our ears have become hard of hearing to His gentle knock in our lives. His knock is drowned out completely by the noise of the world, and my over intense focus on my own plans. I can forget to leave room for His plans for me each day, especially in December, when list making, cleaning, baking, and shopping are in overdrive!

I want to grow in a way that I never miss one of God's knocks or nudges in my life.

I still think about the people from my grandfather's assisted living that became friends for that season. I'm grateful that God gave me the opportunity to step out of my own comfort zone and do a small act of kindness for a stranger. It has become a reminder of a time in my life that God knocked and I had the grace to answer. Giving the gift of a pair of sneakers was so small compared to the gift of a different perspective that God gave to me. 

No Batteries Required

We are on the cusp of one of the most challenging seasons of the year! As moms, we carry so much of the pressure to make magical holiday memories. There's a lot of list making, menu planning, grocery shopping, baking, cooking, gift buying and decorating that we will be managing until the end of the year. So, how can we create moments of delight while fostering peace, faith and all of the true meaning of the holiday season?

Focus, Pacing, and Heart Posture

I've been thinking about how to make peace and simplicity a focus of my own Advent this year. That doesn't mean I'm going to cut out all of my usual planning and traditions. I think it's more about my overall focus, pacing, and heart posture. 

What's our motivation behind all that we do to make Thanksgiving and Christmas special? The most important motivation for me is to show my family that I love them. And yet, I know there are moments in each holiday season when I lose sight of that, and my actions and reactions can make it seem that my to-do list is more important than the hearts I'm trying to serve well. When I allow overwhelm to run the show and become too rigid and try to white knuckle it through "my" plans instead of being flexible and accepting God's grace to pivot when things don't go as I had hoped. Age and experience has helped in my rigid hold on perfectionism, but it still trips me up from time to time. Especially during the holidays.

I'm noticing an internal desire growing inside of me to create space for quiet as part of my to do list for the season. Finding a less frenetic pace is also important to me. I want to avoid feeling like I'm in a constant state of overwhelm from Thanksgiving to New Year's Day! That constant adrenaline rush might help me get all those extra holiday tasks accomplished, but it leaves me exhausted, burned out, and joyless. I don't want to feel like I'm merely surviving or "getting through" the holidays. I want to be able to enter into them and extract any joy and grace that God wishes to give me in this particular year; the only year my children will be this particular age, and my grandchildren will be this particular age, and our parents are here celebrating with us. I want to remember that this time is a gift to unfold and unwrap even with all its imperfections. 

I'm thinking about all of our family traditions that create new memories while, at the same time, bring up past memories I want to savor. I find that as I get older, I'm spending more time reflecting on those memories and looking at them from a "grown-up" perspective. As a child, I was just excited to see my cousins and play whatever pretend game we came up with in the moment while sneaking black olives to put on our fingers. But now, I appreciate how much work my grandmother put into all those big holiday dinners so much more. I have a much better understanding how much time and love went into making a big meal, including the five different pies waiting in her sewing room for all of us to enjoy!

While Christmas gifts were always exciting, (and always hidden behind my grandfather's favorite chair where us kids were forbidden from peeking at until present time which was pure torture!), I can't recall any of the toys I received. ... even though I remember circling potential gifts in the Sear's catalog my Grandma handed me each Fall. The only gifts I actually remember specifically were the homemade slippers my grandma crocheted for each of us grandchildren and the footy pajamas she always gave us. I remember how we would change into them before we left her house on Christmas Eve and my dad would carry me and my sister to the car, (because our dress shoes wouldn't fit over the pj feet), and we would look at all the Christmas lights all the way home. 

I'm trying to remember that those are the memories that I've held onto after all these years as I create Christmas for my family this year. The impulse buys that overextend my budget and take away my peace aren't going to be what they remember. Stuff that overwhelms spaces isn't going to bring true joy. This is really hard for me because I really love to shop and I really love to give gifts! But this year, I am 100% dedicated to creating Christmas within our set budget. (Ok...if I'm honest I'm only 75% committed but I'm relying on God's grace to get me the rest of the way there! This is another way to turn away from my self-sufficient attempts to create the "perfect" Christmas on my own, and to strengthen my trust muscle and rely more into God's plan.)

I want my heart posture to mimic that of Mary as she travelled to Bethlehem carrying Jesus within her. Mary didn't have everything figured out, but she trusted. I can imagine the peace and the comfortable silence that filled large parts of the journey that must have been exhausting and uncomfortable for Mary.  But God provided, God was enough, and that first Christmas brought the greatest joy for Mary to savor. 

No batteries required. 

And in the spirit of sweet baby snuggles, I'm sharing a picture of our youngest granddaughter, Monica<3

Words and Mindset Matter

Words and mindset matter. 

That phrase might make a good t-shirt or mug, but it can also help to make a good life. What we think and our perspective can make a big difference when we face life struggles and decisions. 

I tend to be more prone to strive in life that to abide. I have a hard time with patience and trust...waiting for God, and truly believing that He will take care of me in the painful circumstances in my life, doesn't come naturally. I tend to do a good amount of doubting and second guessing: "What if God doesn't really hear me? Or doesn't have time for me? Maybe He already gave me a direction and I missed it?"

There was something that Sister Miriam James Heidland said in a recent Abiding Together Podcast (Season 17 Episode 2)  that has stuck in my head.  "The mystery is not something to be solved, but something to unfold."

This simple sentence gives me a whole different perspective. If I'm trying to "solve" a mystery, I'm actively working hard to figure it all out. My mind is constantly turning to think of different angles, causes, and outcomes. The mystery is taking up the majority of my time, energy and focus. Everyone and everything else around me is getting my scraps ... or being completely ignored. I can't ever turn off or truly rest until I figure it all out, or get to a point when I am so frustrated that I just give up altogether. 

But if I look at a mystery as Sister Miriam suggested, as something that needs to "unfold", then it gives me a completely different feeling internally. Letting something unfold does not depend all on me. Letting something unfold does not illicit a feeling of hurry or anxiety. Letting something unfold opens a sense of curiosity, watchful waiting, and hopeful expectancy. 

When I compare solving vs. unfolding, there's a clear winner for me. I'm all for less striving, more abiding and not feeling like everything depends on me. There's just one small problem. Letting life unfold requires two things that I'm not very good at. 

Why is it so hard to wait and to trust?!?

I mean, how will it unfold if I don't "help"? If I stop solving and striving, then I'm also giving up my illusion of control. The key word in that sentence is "illusion" because I was never really in control anyway. But I am really, really good at creating scenarios where I feel like I'm in control. 

What's behind this desire to hang on to imaginary control? For me, the driving emotion is fear. Fear of facing the reality that life might not turn out like I want it to. What if I can't help orchestrate the deep desires of my heart, or the desires of my child's heart or husband's heart or friend's heart? I could be disappointed or worse...devastated.

But the reality is that I was never in control. And I will never be in control. Holding onto the illusion of control is just me trying to self-protect. (Spoiler alert: self protection also doesn't really work. When we try to self protect, we actually cause more harm to ourselves. Our attempts to shelter us from emotional pain also blocks out joy and keeps us from living authentically.)

So what does work? And what do I gain if I wait for God and trust Him to unfold the mystery at the pace He wills?

One thing I gain is greater endurance and patience. Waiting for God to unfold the situations in my life are all opportunities to strengthen my "trust muscle". (And God is very generous at providing circumstances to practice trusting Him!)

I also grow in humility as I gain a deeper understanding of how little my worry, overthinking and micromanaging actually affects the outcomes of the "mysteries" in my life. Another thing that I gain is greater peace as God reminds me and teaches me that everything doesn't depend on me. My faith in God also grows. Everything always turns out better when I stop trying to do God's job, and let Him do all that He is able to do instead of getting in the way with my "helping". 

Maybe we can practice letting go of control and allowing God to unfold whatever "mysteries" we find ourselves facing in our lives this Fall, while focusing on having a sense of curiosity, watchful waiting, and hopeful expectancy. I'm going to give it a try!!

And just for fun, here's a cute pic of my granddaughter, Claire!
I just love her dimples and her little ponytails!

Seven Things We Can Learn From Our Lady of Sorrows

Our Lady of Sorrows has become a special devotion in my life. The feast day of Our Lady of Sorrows is September 15th, and I wanted to honor her with a blogpost. There's SO much to say about the depth of suffering that Mary endured while living her continual fiat to God's will for her and for her beloved Son. I want to share some things that I've learned from Mary's Seven Sorrows.

1. Prophecy of Simeon

Pictures of Our Lady of Sorrows show the seven swords that pierced her heart over Jesus' lifetime. The first of those swords came from the prophecy of Simeon, who tells Mary that her beloved infant will suffer and that her own heart will be pierced. Despite the fear and sorrow that Mary must have felt in that moment, she leaned into God and trusted. 

We've all had moments when circumstances in life inject fear deep into our heart and we have the choice to turn to God or to self-protect and turn to our own "isms" to try and cope. (i.e. food, alcohol, scrolling, etc.) Unfortunately, I seem to be better at choosing the second option. But through Mary's example and God's grace I'm learning to trust God more and turn to Him first, or at least more quickly, when life sends those zingers that hurt my heart.

2. Flight Into Egypt

Mary left everything at a moment's notice after Joseph's dream that sent them fleeing to Egypt to save Jesus from Herod's wrath. I can imagine the fear and the deep loss they felt as The Holy Family left everything they knew and everything familiar. But Mary still trusted and continued to step out in faith, even as her life took an unchosen and unexpected path. 

We can turn to her for consolation and to follow her example of having to create a life with less than ideal circumstances. Whether it's a move, a loss, a diagnosis, or some kind of trauma that leaves us in unfamiliar territory trying to piece together and create a "new normal", Mary understands when situations in our own life place us on a journey that we would not have chosen.

3. Loss of the Child Jesus in the Temple

Mary's faith and calm in the midst of fear is an amazing example for us. Diligently searching for Jesus and filled with worry, Mary still leans into God. And when she finally finds Jesus, Mary is honest about her feelings without any emotional fit.(I can say with certainty that my reaction would have come with a side of "freak out".) But Mary brings everything to God and "kept all these things in her heart."(See Luke 2:51) That's what she encourages us to do. In hard moments we are meant to pour out all of our big emotions to God so that He can help us to see His perspective so that we can react in patience and love. 

4. Meeting Jesus on the Road to Calvary

Mary teaches us to accompany those we love when they carry heavy crosses. Even though we can't take away their suffering, our prayerful presence can be the encouragement and comfort they so desperately need. Feeling as if we suffer alone makes any burden so much heavier. Maybe you can recall a time in your own life when a particular trial was lightened, even a small way, through another person's thoughtful words or a kind gesture? I know that I can. And while their action didn't take away all my pain, it did lessen the weight on my heart and let a little light shine into the darkness I was going through.

5. The Crucifixion

Mary gives us an example of unwavering faith as she stood at the foot of Jesus’ cross and watched her Son’s crucifixion. Mary did not despair, but continued to trust in God through her pain and tears. She held firm to God and His promise that He would never leave us or forsake us even when the circumstances she was facing could have convinced her otherwise.

We are given the gift of Mary's unwavering faith when we cling to God in tragic circumstances of this fallen world. When our lives fall apart, all we feel is darkness and brokenness, and yet we lean into God. Just like Mary. 

6. Jesus is Taken Down From the Cross and Laid in Mary's Arms

In the midst of intense loss, Mary's eyes were only on her Son. Mary did not try to bury her pain or distract herself from the pain by railing at the soldiers or the crowd that desired her Son's death.  Mary stayed in the moment and allowed herself to feel the deep grief piercing her heart. She continued to lay her heart before God and pour out all of her brokenness for Him to hold. 

Mary reminds us that in times of great sadness and grief, it's important to pour our own hearts out to God. We aren't meant to stuff or ignore or rush through our hard feelings. 

7. Jesus is Laid in the Tomb

This is my favorite Sorrow, although "favorite" seems like the wrong word to use when talking about Mary's deepest pain and suffering. But it's this Sorrow that gives me the greatest hope to cling to when I'm carrying unresolved brokenness and grief, because Mary never gave up hope as she walked away from the tomb. Despite the way it looked, the story didn't end when the stone was rolled in front of the tomb.

There was more.

There's always more. Even when we don't really believe it. Even when all we see before us is an ocean of brokenness and all we feel is pain and grief. That's not the end of our story. God is still working. He has a plan and His plan is good.

I pray that Mary keeps each and every one of us wrapped in her mantle, especially in times of suffering. Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us!

(This post first appeared on Catholicmom.com:)

This is one of my favorite pics of OLOS. You can find it on Etsy at Sanctified Souls!

P.S. I was on a podcast!!!! It was such a fun experience to be a guest on the Mourning Glory Podcast! We had a great conversation about Our Lady of Sorrows. Here's the link so you can take a listen!

Mourning Glory Podcast: Our Lady of Sorrows

Having Hands and Hearts Wide Open

As soon as the calendar turns from July to August, there's an ache I try to ignore. Because every August I go through a cycle of grief and loss. As the days of August slip by, seeming to gain momentum even as I try my hardest to slow down and hold on tight to summer days, the first day of school looms closer and closer on the calendar for those of us in the Northeast. 

I start to become more reflective, looking back over the summer months that always seem like an almost endless amount of time when school vacation starts in June but always goes by way too quickly. I think of all of my summer goals that I hoped to accomplish, many that still stare back at me from my to-do list. I question whether I loved enough, was present enough, or had a good balance of activities making fun memories and time to "just be". Did I do a good enough job helping my kids to "live life" detached from technology? Did I use the time that I was given well enough?

There Is No Perfection In Motherhood

The reality is that, just like every summer, there are times when I lived up to the hopes and expectations that I set for myself and times when I fell short. There is no perfection in motherhood! There is only the opportunity to wake up each day and try to live in the moment, love my kids as best I can, and trust that God will make up any difference between what they truly need and what I'm able to give them.

New Routines and New Graces

Surrendering to the change of routine and accepting the end of those special summer moments can be hard. There is an element of relief to get back into a steady routine ... and for some moms there may be downright giddiness for kids to be back in school!

Wherever we find ourselves on the barometer of feelings, change is here. And for all of us, there is Grace to navigate these new routines and expectations. Even though I can't grasp and hold onto summer, I can hold fast to the truth that God is always with me and that, as it says in Lamentations 3:22-23,

His "acts of mercy are not exhausted, his compassion is not spent, 

They are renewed each morning - great is your faithfulness!

New graces every morning make me feel hope for the coming months. And speaking of hope, I remembered something this week! Even though I'm grieving the end of the slower paced days of summer and surrendering to time moving forward in the lives of my last two children still in school, one thing that hasn't ended yet is the Jubilee Year of Hope. I can look to this next season to watch for the special graces that God still has planned for me and for my family and friends.

That feels like a consolation to me. It's a reminder to me that God is still working, that He still has plans for me and that those plans are good.(see Jeremiah 29:11) And that's especially true in this Jubilee Year. I so want to be open to each and every grace that God might desire to pour into me. I long for Him to fill all of the places where I feel so inadequate, that are in darkness, or that are broken. For God to fill every part of me where I long to have His merciful love pour into and bring wholeness and healing so that I can be a better wife, mother, grammy, daughter, sister and friend. Graces for clarity and direction to fulfill whatever His plans are for me in this next season of my life. 

And while I will certainly allow myself moments to feel and process the sadness and the bittersweet passing of time, I choose not to get stuck there. The posture I want to have is one of gratitude for the summer memories, mercy for the times I failed to live up to my expectations, and hope for what God will reveal as August turns into September and beyond.

I hope that we can all stand with our hands and hearts wide open for whatever blessings God has prepared for us this Fall!

A pic from our short Maine summer getaway 

Waiting With Hope

In honor of this Jubilee Year of Hope, Catholicmom.com wanted to do a series for July called "Hope Found in Prayer".  Prayer is such a personal experience and different for everyone. We may be saying the same prayers out loud, but the words are being absorbed into our hearts and minds in different ways. Even as individuals, the same prayer or Bible passage can hit us in completely different ways depending on the season of life we are in or whatever situation we are working through.

For this particular Catholicmom series, all of the contributing writers were asked to share about a specific prayer that brings them hope. For me, the prayer that brings me hope is the Seven Sorrows of Mary. 

Mary suffered so much over the course of her life. And because of her experiences, we can be assured that we have a Heavenly mother who understands our own painful life circumstances and who longs to pour consolation into our hurting hearts. 

A Grace From Mary

Learning about the Seven Sorrows of Mary was a grace for me when our daughter, Therese was born with a fatal genetic disorder and passed away at sixteen days old in 1998. Mary's Seven Sorrows gave me a way to connect some of the most sorrowful moments of my life to each of her sorrows during Therese's 16 day journey on earth. In the time of some of my deepest grief, Mary's experiences helped me to feel understood and less alone in my pain.

 The Seven Sorrows

For anyone not familiar with the Seven Sorrows of Mary, it consists of saying seven "decades" that include an Our Father and seven Hail Mary's. For each "decade" you meditate on the following sorrows that Our Lady suffered during her lifetime:

1. The Prophecy of Simeon
2. The Flight into Egypt
3. The Loss of the Child Jesus in the Temple
4. Meeting Jesus on the Road to Calvary
5. Standing at the Foot of the Cross
6. Jesus is Taken Down from the Cross and Placed in Mary's Arms
7. The Burial of Jesus

Out of the Seven Sorrows, it's the Seventh Sorrow that gives me the most hope right now. Which seems pretty ironic ... after all, in the Seventh Sorrow, Jesus has died and is laid in a tomb. Mary no longer even has the presence of Jesus' body to give her any semblance of comfort. She walks away from the tomb after the day when the most horrific pain and grief has pierced her heart. But that's not the part of the sorrow that gives me hope.

What gives me hope is Mary's unwavering trust and hope that remains alive in her broken heart even in the most hopeless of circumstances. Mary leaves Jesus' tomb grieving, but she doesn't despair. She is waiting on God and trusting that He will bring good out of the horror that she had just lived through. As Saint John Paul the Great said about Mary after Jesus had been laid in the tomb, Mary "alone remains to keep alive the flame of faith, preparing to receive the joyful and astonishing announcement of the Resurrection."(Address at the General Audience, 3 April 1996; L'Osservatore Ramano English edition, 10 April 1996, p.7)

When everyone else around her had given up, Mary was the only one who kept the hope of the church alive on that first Holy Saturday. Mary's example gives me hope and courage. Because as women and mothers, how often do we find ourselves trying to keep faith alive within our family? The brokenness in our lives that appears to have little hope, yet we still call out to God and wait for Him to resurrect what seems lost. The relationships that only He can breathe life back into that we refuse to give up on.

What situations are you waiting for Jesus to resurrect in your life?

And while it will most likely take longer than one Holy Saturday for the circumstances and relationships that we are waiting on and praying for to be resurrected, we can wait with our Heavenly Mother for the redemption of our circumstances in God's timing. She will tend to our broken hearts, console us, and give us hope and fortitude in our waiting.

Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us!

(If you would like to read more articles written for Catholicmom's Month of Hope, click here)

This is currently one of my favorite pictures of OLOS. You can find it at Sanctified Souls.

Tea For Two & T-Rex For Tea

What do you do when you have a combined birthday party for a sweet two year old little girl and a dinosaur loving four year old boy? Well, you invite some dinosaurs to a tea party, of course!

This past weekend, we celebrated my grandson, Xavier's, 4th birthday and his sister, Claire's, 2nd birthday. We hosted the party at our house, but my son, Andrew, and daughter-in-law, Liz, (aka Xavier and Claire's mom and dad), created the party themes, decorations, and favors for the special day.

I love being a part of themed parties. I really enjoy all of the research to find cute ideas on different blogs and Pinterest. There's always a wide array of creativeness, difficulty, and cost to what people have spent creating party magic. One blog I read mentioned "only spending a few hundred dollars" on balloon arches! (Gulp!) That wasn't in our particular budget...(and thankfully when we have parties with balloon arches, my creatively dispositioned daughter-in-law, Marisa, takes care of that for us for only the cost of the balloons!.)

The day of the party, we had amazing weather for our outdoor party! (Thank you, God!) Warm but not humid. Perfect for swimming in the pool, which almost all the kids took advantage of. There was a nice breeze in the shade that made it perfect for sitting out side. It was just a perfect summer day!

Andrew made this sign:)

And we had to have a Happy Birthday sign with a dino flair, too!

Of course, the food is the most important part of the party! (and was a group effort!) 

A pretty fruit platter for Claire

A dino veggie platter(thanks to Auntie Kate!)

And what's a party without desserts! Adorable tea cup and dinosaur cupcakes(thanks to Babci..she's so creative! and I love the dino cupcake toppers I found on Amazon!), brownies by Aunt Jenny, fun (and tasty) confetti scones by Liz, chocolate chip cookies, dino sugar cookies that Xavier, Ambrose, and Leo helped to decorate and flower sugar cookies that I asked Marisa to make pretty! 

Liz made these cute and tasty tea sandwiches! turkey and pesto, cucumber and chicken salad!

Also served but not pictured: pulled pork, "Brontosaurus burgers", "Gigantosaurus Glizzies"(hot dogs), "Raptor Bites"(dino chicken nuggets), "lava lasagna"(thanks, Grandpa), potato salad(thanks, Grandma Red), "pterodactyl wings"(doritos), "dino scales"(chips), and "dino eggs"(grapes)

The birthday boy!

The birthday girl!

Ambrose and Leo

Charlie

Grandma and Pa with Aurora

Pool fun!

Claire is a cookie monster!

Babci and baby Monica

More Monica cuteness!

Liz created a dino egg hunt that all the kids loved! (Thanks for hiding the eggs Uncle Luke!) and she found the cutest favors for all the kids(we had 13 kids 6 and under at the party!) The kids all loved them!

Xavier trying out the dinosaur party favors!

Our niece, Isla, sporting the girls' tea party favor<3

Ambrose and Leo using the favors for a real life adventure in Dinosaur State Park in CT the day after the party!

It was such a fun day visiting with extended family and family friends. Xavier and Claire had a great time playing with all the kids. (And nobody went home hungry!) I call that a success!