The Long Road of Rediscovering Myself

October is my favorite month of the year! I love the fall days that are still filled with lots of sunshine. I love the cooler weather and putting on a soft, comfy sweater to stay warm. My absolute favorite thing about October is the colors. Living in Southern New England means leaves of red, yellow and orange turning the outdoors into a constantly changing work of art. I love to sit in our backyard as my young grandsons play and gaze at the beautiful leaves against the bright blue sky. Every time I'm outside I just try to soak up the beauty of this season that always passes by quicker than I want it to.

Our newest granddaughter, Aurora Theresa.(3 weeks)
Photo credit to her mama's creativity!

Ambrose enjoying Pupa's leaf pile!

Leo joining in on the fun:)

The changing of the world around me has inspired reflection about the seasons of my life. Like October, the different seasons of motherhood are filled with moments of beauty that pass quickly. When I was a young mom with many little children, (we had seven children in ten years), life felt that it would never change and I was in a perpetual season of pregnancy, nursing, and managing crazy life with babies, toddlers, and school age children. 

Even though it felt like life would be the same forever, the reality is that it's always changing. Even within that busy part of my story, there were subplots. My children started reaching school age, I started a journey to work on my mental health after not addressing the emotional pain I carried for years from losing our first daughter to a genetic disorder and having a son diagnosed diagnosed with severe autism. Eventually you reach a point where new opportunities appear and you have choices to make about which path you want to follow. 

My First New Season

When the youngest of my crew entered kindergarten, I felt pretty lost. After 15 years of having at least one child at home all the time, the change felt so dramatic. I felt like my life purpose was over. (see...dramatic!) But after a few months I found a routine of working part time, taking my family and actually enjoying a little free time. I started thinking and praying about other paths that I could take in this new season. Sometimes the new paths aren't as straight as they look. God likes to throw in surprises.  And just as I settled in and started to enjoy my new routine, the road that I was on took a sharp right turn!

God seems to love a plot twist. After grieving for several months what I thought was the end of my journey with babies, accepting a new path, and starting to get excited about new adventures, I found out I was expecting our first bonus baby, a little boy we named Luke. And, yes, I said "first" because two years later God sent us a "bonus, bonus" baby, our daughter Kate. 

Even though in some ways I started over, the short experience that I had considering new paths God seemed to be opening up gave me an expanded view of motherhood this time around. Especially once Kate was born and the challenges of having an infant and a busy toddler felt a little isolating. I started to look for or create opportunities for connection that worked for the life stage I was in.

Since getting out with two little ones is challenging, I started inviting a few other moms that I had met through church and my older children's school for a small book study in my home. This lasted for several years and was a great way to grow friendships and enjoy sharing thoughts over lots of good books. I also started a blog, which fulfilled the desire that I had to write about my adventures in parenting and sharing my faith.

Five years later, when Kate entered kindergarten, it was an easier transition emotionally for me. (Although I still cried when I dropped her off on the first day!) But I was ready to see what God had in store for me beyond parenting littles. The journey was not a straight, easy path. I worked for several years, tried a few grad school classes, and felt like I was floundering at times. I helped several adult children plan weddings. (and when my son got married in the summer or 2020, I helped plan, unplan and replan that wedding multiple times!) My role as "mom" was expanded to a new title of "grammy" five times in the last three years. (Soon to be six times come November!) And through all the changes, I was still trying to see who God meant for me to be in this new stage of life.

The Newest Journey

While I'm still very involved as mom, especially to the four kids who still live at home, (and "grammy" to all the littles I'm blessed to see multiple times each week), I'm also discovering a new path God has opened up for me. The desire to write has continued for me and has expanded in the last year beyond just blogposts. I'm currently working on a book project with Pauline Books and Media, which is such an exciting and amazing opportunity. I'm not really sure what the future holds, but for right now I am enjoying this writing adventure. It's quite the learning curve(!), but God continues to put wonderful people in my path that encourage me, inspire me, and mentor me. Seasons continue to change, but each one brings moments of beauty that only God can create.

I would love to hear about the passing beauty of the season that you find yourself in. Feel free to share in the comments.:)

Works of the Heart

Over the years, I have attempted to learn how to knit and crochet many times. I've always loved the beautiful colors of yarn on the store shelves, their soft texture just begging me to run my fingers along the neatly rolled skeins. I would enthusiastically begin projects that I lacked fortitude to finish when I couldn't figure out how to fix the many mistakes I kept making. It was easier to give up than ask for help and keep working at the skill until I became proficient.

That all changed about twelve years ago.

My grandmother was an amazingly talented knitter and crocheter. We still have all the blankets, sweaters and hats that she lovingly made for her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Now that my own kids are starting their families, I've started passing these treasures down to them. I think it's so special that these little ones are wrapped in blankets made by their great-great grandmother!

Twelve years ago, my Grandma was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I wanted to show my love for her by crocheting her a blanket. This time, my motivation was much deeper than just the beauty and feel of the yarn. I wanted Grandma to know that what she gave to me...loving her family by cooking for them, making handmade gifts of beauty, and praying for all of us with her daily rosary...meant so much to me. I inherited my Grandma's love of her faith, big family meals (with lots of homemade desserts(!), and I wanted to be able to push past my lack of fortitude and pride to create something beautiful for her.

It's Not About Perfection

I asked my friend, Carol, to help me learn a simple crochet stich and feverishly started working on a blanket with beautiful, soft yarn in multiple shades of purple. Grandma's health declined fairly quickly as I spent every night after my kids went to bed working on stitch after stitch. While it was certainly a work of love more than perfection, (there were quite a few uneven rows!) I was able to finish it in the nick of time. I delivered the gift the last time I saw my Grandma. It was the last day that she was awake and just a couple of days before she passed. My aunts were caring for her full time in my Grandmother's small apartment in elderly housing, and they laid my blanket over her legs.

Even though the blanket wasn't perfect, it brought me so much joy to be able to give my grandmother a gift that came from my heart. The blanket felt like a whispered thank-you for all that she had taught me by the example of her life.

Even though I didn't regularly crochet after that first special project, it gave me the desire and the confidence that I could carry on my grandmother's creative legacy. (Along with making her stuffed quahogs and apple pie!)

About four years ago, I learned that I was going to become a grandmother for the first time. Crocheting a blanket for this new little life and continuing my Grandma's tradition was really important to me. After learning that there would be twin boys joining our family, I watched some youtube videos, bought some yarn in blue and green hues, and jumped right in!

Now, each of my grandbabies gets a hand crocheted blanket from Grammy before their arrival. (and so do my kids' friends who have started families of their own.) I'm currently working on a blanket for grandbaby number six, a sweet little girl that is due to join our family in early November.

The Grace of Connection

Creating these gifts of love feels like I'm crocheting more that just yarn. I feel like I'm stitching together history of our family; one woman's love passed down from one generation to the next, like a string just waiting to be crocheted into the lives of the next generation. 

My grandmother might not have had wealth or celebrity status or anything that the world would have seen as special and admirable, but she did have the most important thing: love. And she poured out her love to all of us in small, hidden ways her entire life; even knitting or crocheting for her great-grandchildren at the age of 93 despite the pain of severely arthritic fingers!

Grandma wanted each and every member of her family to know her love for them. It's the last words that I heard her say. Grandma knew she was in the last hours of her life at my last visit with her. As I stood by my Grandma's bed holding my almost one year old daughter, Kate, my grandmother reached out to touch her little legs saying over and over again, "I love you. I love you. I loved you." Grandma wanted to make sure that Kate knew how loved she was by her, since she wouldn't be here to tell Kate as she grew up. To Grandma, love was always the most important thing.

I hope that my Grandma is smiling down from Heaven every time one of her great-great grandchildren is wrapped in the work of her hands...and the work of her heart. 

Just a couple examples of my Grandma's creations!:)

Patient Perserverance

During Lent of 2023, I started on an adventure of a big writing project on Our Lady of Sorrows. As part of my Lenten practices that year, I decided to pray one or Mary's Sorrows each day of the week...which was so convenient since there are seven of them! That practice continued once Lent was over ...as did my writing project... and I still pray one sorrow (most!) mornings.

Each of Mary's Sorrows has it's own inspiration as we see how the virtues of our Blessed Mother shine through in the most traumatic moments of her life. There are moments in my life that I can relate to the emotional trauma of the different sorrows. Knowing how Mary continually leaned into God and trusted Him despite tragic circumstances helps me to try and do the same when life becomes dark and feels hopeless. It's also very comforting to know that I have a Mother who desires to console me and can understand what I'm experiencing when I face deep loss and grief. 

The sorrow I find myself resonating with most at the moment is the Seventh Sorrow: The Burial of Jesus. Mary's unwavering trust in a moment that seemed so hopeless encourages me in the situation in my own life that seems impossible to resurrect. Mary surrendered to God's plan without knowing all of the details. Mary trusted even though her heart was shattered watching her beloved Son be tortured and killed. Mary laid down her own will as she watched Jesus' body be laid and sealed in a tomb. And in a great act of trust, Mary walked away from that tomb, not in despair, but carrying her pain in quiet perseverance as she waited on what God would do. 

Waiting is hard. And it's especially hard when we are waiting for God to redeem pain and brokenness in our life or in the lives of those we love. I can't say that I always wait on God with Mary's quiet perseverance and trust. I sometimes find myself in a pendulum swing dangerously close to despair. When I'm in that dark place, I'm struggling to find hope and believe that God can or will resurrect the brokenness in my life. I'm doubting His goodness and His love for me. Those doubts can get pretty loud in my head and the more I focus on them, the more they grow (and grow and grow) so that they are the only things that I can think about. My fear and anxiety drown out God's truth and light.

But just like the tomb wasn't the end of the story, our own struggles don't end in the darkness. God is always with us and will never leave us or forsake us (see Deuteronomy 31:8), even if we can't feel Him at the moment. Like Sister Miriam James Heidland says on the Abiding Together Podcast  Season 14 episode 22, we need to "accept the fragments" that God sends us each day. While God certainly could, (and it would be amazing if He would!), fix our pain and trauma in an instant, that's not usually the way He works. Rather, God sends us what we need a fragment at a time. As we learn to look for and accept the fragments He sends, God teaches us to trust Him and turn to Him in our emotional poverty more and more. 

And as we gather the fragments that God always sends-things like a Bible verse that touches our heart, a song that speaks to our pain, a spouse or friend that wants to sit with us in our brokenness, a book that consoles us, a bird or a butterfly or a flower that is meaningful to us, or in any way because God is God and He can use anything(!)- it lets a little bit of light push back the darkness that we are feeling. And as we collect the fragments and more light and hope comes in, we are able to return to our stance of surrender and waiting with patient perseverance, just like Mary teaches us.

The Waning Days of Summer

Several weeks ago I pulled into the parking lot of one of our local grocery stores and noticed my daughter-in-law, Marisa, getting out of her minivan. When I got out of my car, my twin three year old grandsons walked beside her. When Ambrose and Leo saw me, their faces lit up, (which warmed my "Grammy heart"), and they rushed over for hugs. Ambrose, thinking I had already done my shopping said excitedly, "Grammy, what treat did you get me?!?" 

I love that Ambrose assumed I had thought of him in the grocery store and looked forward to whatever "treat" I had placed in my cart that week.

Pouring Out Our Mama Hearts

As a mom, I pour so much of myself into my kids, (and grandkids). From favorite snacks at the grocery store, seeing something one of them might like at the mall, or making them a favorite recipe when they are having a bad day, I'm almost always thinking about them and trying to show my love to them. 

Despite pouring out my heart each day, it often feels like it's not enough. As summer wraps up for us here in the Northeast, I find myself analyzing the past couple of months that always go by way too fast. I find myself questioning if I did enough this summer. Did we spend enough time with them? Did I plan enough to make some good memories? Did I waste too much time? Did I make enough family time and opportunities for connection before they start another school year, when many of their hours will be spent away from home and each other? 

Even Good Change is Hard

August is so bittersweet for me. I want to savor every moment of summer with my kids, but the beginning of fall sports and the first day looming at the end of August forces me to address those back to school lists and new sneaker needs way before I'm ready to! There's a grieving that happens as we head to a new school year. By the time next summer rolls around our kids will be a year older and have grown to a new level, both physically and emotionally. The end of summer highlights how fast time goes by as our kids grow and change more and more each year. And while change certainly isn't all bad...there are definitely some early stages of parenting that I don't miss now that my "baby" is twelve...change can still be hard.

Though I'm tempted to live in my own head, wrapped in my worries and 'mom guilt', I realize that would be the biggest waste of time. As much as I dread having to address my kids' upcoming school year needs, I know that not waiting until the last minute and adding extra stress to my 'end of summer' grief is my next best step. Taking pockets of time to handle the necessary evil planning will allow me to enjoy the summer we have left more fully. 

Staying in the Present Moment

While not avoiding the necessary preparation that will help me manage the back to school stress, I also need to focus on living in the present moment. I need to soak up each and every waning moment of summer, being grateful for all of them, whether they were extraordinary or merely mundane. Because even in the moments of sitting in the AC on a blistering, humid day while we each read a good book or work on a crafting project is meaningful. Family time and rest can happen in many different ways. 

Instead of focusing on the days I have left, I'm trying to lean into God's grace and to be grateful for all of the slower speed summer days that have been so necessary for my heart. I also need to trust that, in any ways that I fell short this summer in regards to my kids or my own expectations, that God will make up the difference. 

Sweet baby Charlie enjoying the beach!

Emotional Drifting

 Growing up, my family always had a boat. We lived one town over from the ocean and spent most summer weekends visiting a local island and going fishing. When we reached a fishing spot, my dad often dropped an anchor to keep us from drifting. He would lower the anchor off of the bow of the boat and let out lots of line until the anchor reached the bottom. Then my mom would reverse the engines slowly until the anchor caught on the bottom and secured us in one place while we tried our luck with our fishing poles and baited hooks. Being anchored gave us a sense of security and helped us to focus on the task at hand; seeing who would catch the biggest fish!

Sometimes life can feel like a drifting boat. Life changes, new routines, struggles with a child, lack of connection with your spouse or a friend, unrest in our society, (or any number of reasons),can leave us feeling unmoored. When I feel like I'm emotionally drifting, my initial reaction is always to try and control my surroundings. This usually centers around overthinking everything and trying to "do" more or "be" better. While that might occasionally work for smaller, easier resolved issues, most of the time overthinking just leaves me with a lack of peace paired with a side of anxiety. Overthinking and anxiety are like throwing my anchor over the side but never getting it to catch on the bottom of the ocean. I remain adrift despite my efforts.

The Best Way To Anchor

photo credit: lovepeaceprayers.com

I've finally started to realize in the last couple of months something that helps to truly anchor my heart in times of emotional drifting and storms: holding on to God's Word. It almost feels too simple to be truly helpful. (Like all of those ads that come up on my social media feed for all of the "easy", "just do this one simple thing" in order to finally drop all the pounds you want to!) And yet, God's word is powerful and His truth quickly reaches the places in our hearts that feel lost and adrift.

During this past Lent, I read one Psalm a day and highlighted anything that felt meaningful to me and touched my heart. It's a practice I've continued since there are many more psalms than Lenten days. Last week when I felt ungrounded and all of my overthinking was leading me down the rabbit hole of "what ifs" and worst case scenarios, I read through some of the verses that I highlighted until I got to one that made my emotional anchor catch. On that particular day with the struggles that were burdening my heart, God used Psalm 59:10 to anchor me: 

"God in his mercy will meet me."

God's words entered into my anxiety and anchored my heart in His truth. Even though the circumstances of my situation weren't changed, my mind stopped spinning and I was able to focus on God's truth in that short sentence and find rest for my anxious heart. And every time the anxiety started to bubble up again, I would repeat and choose to focus on those words, "God in his mercy will meet me."

Truth For Every Situation

You don't have to read and highlight your way through the Psalms in order to find a verse that calms your anxious heart. A quick google search showing verses of the bible dealing with whatever emotion is burdening you at the moment ... anxiety, fear, anger, hopelessness, etc ... will bring up lots of suggestions. Then, spend a short amount of time looking up those verses in your bible until your anchor "catches" on the verse that touches and calms your heart. Write it down in your journal to not only remember the verse, but also to remember how God reached out to care for your heart. I also like to write it down on a Post It note and stick it to my mirror. (I have a bit of an addiction to those things!). Another idea is to make it the lock screen of your phone. You just want to make sure it's easily accessible so you can repeat it as often as you need to. 

Needing to feel emotionally anchored comes up so often throughout our whole lives! Learning to turn to God and to be anchored in His truth is a skill that will help immensely when circumstances make us feel as if we are unmoored and drifting. His truth cuts through the most difficult emotions and lies of the enemy and allow us to live in the way that is described in Philippians 4:7;

"And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, 

will keep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Emotional Drifting

Growing up, my family always had a boat. We lived one town over from the ocean and spent most summer weekends visiting a local island and going fishing. When we reached a fishing spot, my dad often dropped an anchor to keep us from drifting. He would lower the anchor off of the bow of the boat and let out lots of line until the anchor reached the bottom. Then my mom would reverse the engines slowly until the anchor caught on the bottom and secured us in one place while we tried our luck with our fishing poles and baited hooks. Being anchored gave us a sense of security and helped us to focus on the task at hand; seeing who would catch the biggest fish!

Sometimes life can feel like a drifting boat. Life changes, new routines, struggles with a child, lack of connection with your spouse or a friend, unrest in our society, (or any number of reasons),can leave us feeling unmoored. When I feel like I'm emotionally drifting, my initial reaction is always to try and control my surroundings. This usually centers around overthinking everything and trying to "do" more or "be" better. While that might occasionally work for smaller, easier resolved issues, most of the time overthinking just leaves me with a lack of peace paired with a side of anxiety. Overthinking and anxiety are like throwing my anchor over the side but never getting it to catch on the bottom of the ocean. I remain adrift despite my efforts.

The Best Way To Anchor

photo credit: lovepeaceprayers.com

I've finally started to realize in the last couple of months something that helps to truly anchor my heart in times of emotional drifting and storms: holding on to God's Word. It almost feels too simple to be truly helpful. (Like all of those ads that come up on my social media feed for all of the "easy", "just do this one simple thing" in order to finally drop all the pounds you want to!) And yet, God's word is powerful and His truth quickly reaches the places in our hearts that feel lost and adrift.

During this past Lent, I read one Psalm a day and highlighted anything that felt meaningful to me and touched my heart. It's a practice I've continued since there are many more psalms than Lenten days. Last week when I felt ungrounded and all of my overthinking was leading me down the rabbit hole of "what ifs" and worst case scenarios, I read through some of the verses that I highlighted until I got to one that made my emotional anchor catch. On that particular day with the struggles that were burdening my heart, God used Psalm 59:10 to anchor me: 

"God in his mercy will meet me."

God's words entered into my anxiety and anchored my heart in His truth. Even though the circumstances of my situation weren't changed, my mind stopped spinning and I was able to focus on God's truth in that short sentence and find rest for my anxious heart. And every time the anxiety started to bubble up again, I would repeat and choose to focus on those words, "God in his mercy will meet me."

Truth For Every Situation

You don't have to read and highlight your way through the Psalms in order to find a verse that calms your anxious heart. A quick google search showing verses of the bible dealing with whatever emotion is burdening you at the moment ... anxiety, fear, anger, hopelessness, etc ... will bring up lots of suggestions. Then, spend a short amount of time looking up those verses in your bible until your anchor "catches" on the verse that touches and calms your heart. Write it down in your journal to not only remember the verse, but also to remember how God reached out to care for your heart. I also like to write it down on a Post It note and stick it to my mirror. (I have a bit of an addiction to those things!). Another idea is to make it the lock screen of your phone. You just want to make sure it's easily accessible so you can repeat it as often as you need to. 

Needing to feel emotionally anchored comes up so often throughout our whole lives! Learning to turn to God and to be anchored in His truth is a skill that will help immensely when circumstances make us feel as if we are unmoored and drifting. His truth cuts through the most difficult emotions and lies of the enemy and allow us to live in the way that is described in Philippians 4:7;

"And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, 

will keep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

My Personal Jubilee Year

We've come to a big milestone in our family. After 23 years, we are downsizing from a 12 passenger van to a minivan. 

It feels like the end of an era. In some ways it is. When we bought our first big van, I was very pregnant with our fifth child. Even though we technically still fit in our minivan, with two car seats and three sons that were all very tall, (and not always tolerant of being squished together in a seat!), my husband and I made the leap to a 12 passenger van for the good of growing family ... and our sanity.

We added three more babies to our family in the years that followed and eventually traded our first van in for a more updated model. I found myself feeling a little emotional and nostalgic as I  handed the van over. I still remember the first day we brought home our original van. With our two year old, Sarah, in her car seat, the boys all climbed in excitedly "claiming" seats and having lots of room to spread out. I can still hear Sarah's squeaky toddler voice in my head as we drove down the street with the windows down saying, "My hair's goin' 'whipedy, whipedy!" as her disheveled hair blew all over her face in the wind. (Sarah never liked having her hair in a pony tail!)

With only four kids left at home, downsizing seems like the right decision. I waffled a little as my husband and I discussed it. We have 5 young grandchildren.(#6 is due in November!) We are blessed that they all live locally and we get to see them all the time. But, in reality, I never have them all at once to drive around somewhere. So getting a big van for a very occasional opportunity didn't seem worth it.

Who knew that so much emotion could come out of buying a minivan!

This purchase has just been another area of reflection as I quickly approach a milestone birthday. 

In the months leading up to fifty, I've been a little apprehensive about how I was going to handle it all. I've definitely been talking about it more in an effort to process my feelings and not just ignore or stuff them! (One of the benefits of experience is learning what doesn't work!)

A couple of weeks ago, our Deacon gave a homily where he talked about the Jubilee Year in Jewish tradition. God told the Jewish people that every seventh year was to be a year of rest for the people and the land. Every seven seventh year (7x7), God declared that the 50th year would be a Jubilee year. It was a year when debts were forgiven, slaves were set free, and land was returned.(see Leviticus 25 and Day 49 of Bible in a Year) 

God works in special ways in the Jubilee Year. It's a year of rest and restoration, both for the land and the people. It's also a time of trust in God, because people had to trust that the provisions grown in year 48 would last through year 49 and 50 as well!

I felt like God was speaking to my heart in that homily. I felt like the Holy Spirit was talking to me about a personal "Jubilee Year". It made me think of the parts of me that are held in emotional bondage that I've been working on "setting free". It also made me think of the "land" as the parts of my heart that I have had to give away will be returned; The hope, joy, and love that I have "sold" because of my debt to fear, anxiety, and loss. 

That homily changed my mindset of turning 50 from one of dread to one of hope and curiosity. It kept me from focusing on all the negatives of getting older. God used that homily to turn my focus back to Him and reminded me that God's promise in Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."